Thread: Aqua at play

My most reviewed SS and many have said I should make into a childrens book.
This is the second story of Blu, Aqua and Azuless. The first is at least PG13, this one is pure G.

Aqua Joltson, hatchling dragon daughter of Azuleton Joltson, wanted to rush out into the exciting world outside her cavern home. She had explored most of the cave, and wanted to see something new. But mother did not have her excitement, and needed a lot of encouragement to keep her moving towards the entrance. Adult dragons were so slow in Aqua’s opinion.

Azuleton, also known as Blu, Azuless her older daughter and Aqua are dragons, sky blue in color, Aqua has a dark blue pattern on her sides. Azuless is just three years older than Aqua, but in development she is far ahead. But Aqua is only a few months old. She is learning fast, and thinks that she should be able to do everything that her sister could. Aqua’s strength and coordination are not as developed as Azuless’s. Aqua barely even notices when she falls, trying to see everything and do everything she can.

Azuless, Aqua’s sister was already out playing, which was not fair in Aqua’s eyes. She should be able to go out too. She did not need anyone to walk or carry her; she is capable of going outside by herself. She is a dragon, what does she have to fear?

Well, other than the softening, the agonizing time when dragon skin softens signifying a time of growth. Aqua hated that time because everything itched. She only had one softening, but that was enough. From what Aqua understood, sister had softened three times or more. She was a lot bigger then Aqua.

Aqua is a big dragon now, she is three feet long. Her sister is over six feet long but Aqua is quite proud of her size. If growing meant another softening she wanted to stay this size forever.
Aqua sees the sunlight at the end of the cave, she darts forward almost past her mother when she is grabbed and stopped by her mother.

“Not so fast little one.”She says softly. “When leaving the cave, even the toughest dragon looks out first for signs of danger.” Aqua looks up at her mother in frustration. Aqua groans as her mother keeps a hand on her shoulder ensuring she did not run away. There was so much to see and do out there, and mother wants to walk out into it as if it is nothing.

Blu gets to the edge of the cave, and looks out. Azuless is playing in the open area just down the hill. Most of her games included short glides and trying to land on something or close to something. She was learning to fly. Aqua’s games were more along the line of jumping and pouncing. She loves chasing things blowing in the wind.

“It is safe to go out.” Mother says looking down at her young daughter, and finally releases her. Aqua lets out a squeal of joy and charges into the clearing more than a score of things blowing about. She dashes after one, pouncing on it, she finds it’s a leaf; she leaps after another object blowing in the wind, and leaps on it, a larger leaf. Leaves blowing in the wind are little evil bats trying to invade her cave.

She bounds towards a vine whipping around from a tree branch. She drops onto the ground as flat low as she can get, and slowly inches forward. The vine is a snake, taunting her. She moves forward again, judging the distance, finally she leaps and lands short, so she jumps again, and bites down on the vine in mid jump. But the snake is tricky, somehow it makes her flip over, she opens her mouth in surprise and falls flat on her back. That’s what that crafty snake did last time… or is it something else?

She hears her mother laugh; surely Aqua did not do anything amusing so sister must be doing something silly. Aqua scrambles to her feet, and charges after a leaf that flitters by. She leaps and lands on the leaf, but her claws catch in the dirt and stop instantly, she topples forward rolling to a stop. She hears her mother laugh again; she wondered what her sister was doing that was so funny. But then the snake in the tree is waving at her again. She charges back with her vicious growl, actually a high pitched screech, and bites down on the vine and shakes it vigorously, for making Aqua fall the first time.

Aqua’s eyes fix on a leaf blowing away, she had to get it. She charges after it but it was further away and it was getting close to the edge of the woods, the boundary mother would not let her cross alone. She leaps at the last second, she catches it in her claws and she squeals with delight, she lands her claws still clutching the leaf, so she tumbles to the ground and rolls to a stop. She lifts her head, looks up at the tree next to her. Then she hears her mother calling.

“Aqua come out of the woods. Stay in the clearing.” She wished she could speak, she wanted to complain. She was a big dragon now and could take care of…

What is that noise, someone is walking towards her. She squeals in fear and scrambles to her feet. The beast is brown with short fur, a patch of white on its chest, scraggly horns protruding from its head, like tree limbs, it stops and paws at the grass with a cloven hoof. This beast was scary. She shrieks and charges back towards mother. Mother rushes towards her, why was she smiling? She hears the beast scramble back in surprise.

“It was shocked at how fast I can move.” Aqua tells herself.

“Aqua, it is alright. It is a deer.” Blu says kneeling to catch Aqua in an embrace.

The deer lowers its head to nibble on the grass. The beast was not so scary now.
Maybe having Mother around is a good thing sometimes.

Yes, it would be a great children's book. Very nice. Blue dragons with sweet personalities. I'd like a little more description, perhaps you can slip it in here and there -- color of eyes, size of feet. wings if any, baby dragon teeth? Don't write a descriptive sentence, just wedge it into existing sentences, by adding a blink, a wink, a smile, a flutter of winds, a tramping of feet. Since I collect dragons and write fantasy I like to see them. There are so many variations throughout the mythological world and I think most people have their own version. You have to be careful not to be so detailed that a reader can't make their own version fit. By lending actions to the attributes you guide the reader to more fully visualize the dragon that sleeps in their imagination.

You switch quite freely between past and present tense; generally, I'd keep to the past tense, so:

Azuleton, or just plain Blu was a dragon, as were her two daughters; she watched as her youngest, Aqua, tried to copy her sister, Azuless, and fell flat on her face. There was such a difference between them; at a few months old blue dragons should be so much more coordinated. Blu nudged Azuless.
"Help your sister up, dear," she said. Her daughter pouted and seemed about to argue; "Now, then, just because you're three years older than her doesn't mean you can argue with me."
Aqua had struggled to her feet shakily and piped up "I don't need her help! I can do it myself!"

This isn't by any means perfect, but it's better if we can see the description and their attitudes through the things that they say and do, and the things that happen to them, rather than just by you telling us.

I hope that's useful for you ^^

Good suggestion Woodroam.
7 reviews(other forums) and none mentioned those. They would make it better.

Atys: That is a common problem with me, I even noticed it in the most recent work (*Melima meets).
I didn't even look when I read this. I am sure I did it.

The second part I have heard that one too. I think I did it more here(I know I do it in other work too) because Aqua can't talk. I will have to sit down and try to edit the tenses and change from story telling to envolving the reader in the story.
(tell rather then show) I haven't decided when a baby dragon can talk, probably before they can glide. Her sister is gliding at three.

I did like your example too. Although I am trying to keep them in a 6m-1yr baby and 4-5 yr old mentality.

I think that is why I keep posting it on various forums. I get good suggestions from each one. (I forgot I didn't make the changes from the last reviewer. tense)

*Melima meets is a scene in a book I am working on, Melima meets Blu's Grandmother. Not a children's story. I have decided, if the book is about Aqua, it will be a children's story, and if it is about adult dragons, it will have adult content. (common characters, just G rating for Aqua's stories.)

I did some editing.

I think I got the tenses correct now.

I think I can do more dragon describing in the story though.

It could be an interesting read.

Originally Posted by SeverinR

*Melima meets is a scene in a book I am working on, Melima meets Blu's Grandmother. Not a children's story. I have decided, if the book is about Aqua, it will be a children's story, and if it is about adult dragons, it will have adult content. (common characters, just G rating for Aqua's stories.)

Please don't. Many parents will blacklist all of the books if you have some that are adult in nature.
I'd recommend keeping it as a purely children's series.

Thats true.

Blu's stories are bloody.

Aqua's stories are cute.

Maybe I need to seperate the two.

"The names have been changed to protect the innocent."

Difficult to keep track of all those 'a...' names being thrown around everywhere. Try rewriting without using the names so much. You could also cut out a few pronouns without affecting the story.

Your tense is still mixed. I would be tempted to go to present tense for this piece.

I'd also move it more completely to the baby dragons veiwpoint.

Aqua Joltson, hatchling daughter of Azuleton Joltson, prances excitedly around her mother who is walking slowly towards the exit of the cavern. She was bored with playing inside, having explored most of the interior of the cave. Aqua chirps impatiently at her mother to get her to move faster. Her tail swishes behind her in frustration, her spade bouncing off the wall of the cave. She decides adult dragons are too slow.
Azuleton, also known as Blu, Azuless her older daughter and Aqua are Desert lightning dragons, sky blue in color, except that Aqua has a dark blue pattern on her sides. Azuless is just three years older than Aqua, but in development she was far more advanced. Although it has only been three months since Aqua hatched.

Aqua growls when she thinks of her sister already playing outside, she should be out there too. Aqua rushes forward, stumbles and falls, scurries to her feet looking for the chance to get by her mother. Her eyes dart back and forth looking taking in everything. She bleats several times at her mother, voicing her frustration of not being allowed to go out with her sister, ending with another growl at not being able to talk.

“What does a young dragon have to fear?”She thinks to herself as she prances proudly, and then stumbles. Well other then the softening. The agonizing time when a dragon’s skin softens, signifying a time of growth in a young dragon. She hated the softening, because everywhere itched, even places she could not reach to scratch. She only had one softening, but that was enough.

Aqua is now three feet long from nose to spade, or the spiked end of her tail, almost half the size of her sister. She is quite proud of how big she is, and if growing meant another softening, she wanted to stay this size forever.

Suddenly she sees sunlight at the end of the cave, she darts forward squeezing between her mother and the wall of the cave, squirming, she almost breaks through but mother catches her and holds her as she struggles to get free, Aqua’s high pitched growl follows.

“Not so fast little one,” mother says softly, “When leaving the cave, even the toughest dragon looks first for signs of danger.” Aqua whines in annoyance looking up at her mother, showing a few of her spiked teeth, that in a full size dragon might look scary, but not with a dragonet the size of Aqua. She throws her little head around as she tries to wiggle free as her crest horns, not much more then nubs; dig into the dirt behind her head. Mother picks her up to keep her from charging out of the cave. Aqua hisses angrily.

Blu moves to the edge of the cave entrance and looks out into the sunny field. Azuless is running and leaping into the air and gliding short distances, playing carefree in the field just down the hill from them. Most of her games include a short glide and trying to land on something or close to something. Aqua’s games were more geared towards running jumping and pouncing. Her eyes lock on to a leaf dancing in the wind, she bleats as her struggles are renewed.

“Settle down.” Mother growls, and then lowers her to the ground as she says, “It is safe to go outside.” Aqua lets out a squeal of joy as she charges into the clearing, the one leaf that taunted her while mother held her got away, but the one that followed was not as lucky. She leaps for one leaf, then flips back for something else, there are so many things blowing in the wind. She dashes after one, pouncing on it, a larger leaf. Leaves blowing in the wind are little evil bats trying to invade her cave.

She bounds towards a vine whipping in the wind, dangling from a tree branch. She drops to the ground focusing on it, her little head as close to the ground as she can get it eyes wide with concentration. She inches forward slowly. The vine is a snake, taunting her. She darts forward judging the distance, finally she leaps and lands short of the vine, so she jumps again and bites down on the vine in mid jump. But the snake is tricky and somehow it makes her flip over, she yelps and opens her mouth in surprise and falls flat on her back. That’s what that crafty snake did last time...or was it something else? She hears mother laughing; surely she did not do anything funny, so her sister must be doing something silly.

Aqua scrambles to her feet and charges after a new leaf that flutters by. She leaps and lands on the leaf, but her claws catch in the dirt and stop her instantly, she topples forward rolling to a stop. She hears her mother laughing again. So she sits up quickly looking to see what her sister is doing that is making mother laugh. Azuless leaps into the air and glides a few yards and lands on a stick she that she was targeting. Then the snake is waving at her again, she charges back with a vicious growl, actually a high pitched screech and bites down on the vine and shakes it vigorously for making her fall last time.

Aqua’s eyes fix on a leaf blowing away. She had to get it before it escaped. She charges after it, but it was further away and it was getting close to the edge of the woods, the boundary mother would not let her cross alone. She leaps clamping her tiny wings tightly against her body, and she catches it in her claws in the mid air. She squeals with delight, staring at the leaf in disbelief. She lands her claws still clutching the leaf, so she tumbles to the ground and rolls to a stop. She lifts her head shaking some dirt from her crest horns, and looks up at the tree next to her. She shakes vigorously to shed the grass and dirt from her body. Then she hears her mother calling.

“Aqua!” Blu calls to her, “come out of the woods. Stay in the clearing.”

Aqua hisses in frustration, wishing she could talk, “She is a big dragon now and could take care of...”

“What was that noise?”Aqua’s head spins around, footsteps, something walking towards her. She squeals in fear and scrambles to her feet. The beast has short brown fur, white fur on its chest, scraggly horns protruding from its head, like tree limbs, it stops, looking at her, and it paws at the grass with a cloven hoof. The beast is scary! She shrieks and charges back towards her mother screaming the whole time. Instinctually, her tail flails behind her to ward off any attack. Mother rushes towards her, why was she smiling? She hears the beast scramble back in surprise.

“It was shocked at how fast I moved.”She tells herself.

“Aqua. It is alright, it is just a deer.” Mother says kneeling to catch Aqua in a warm loving embrace.

She looks back nervously, the deer lowers its head to nibble on grass. The beast was not so scary now. Maybe having mother around is a good thing... sometimes.

Aqua looks up sweetly into her mother’s eyes and then reaches up and nuzzles her mother and electricity arcs between their noses and she coos happily.

Too many sentances start with Aqua

I agree, I didn't notice.

Added some dragon body part descriptions and replaced Aqua with pronouns.