Thread: Edit this for me?

Something just doesn't seem right at the end of this.

Days only seemed to get only longer for Max. The memories of last year haunted him. Now that Max was 18, he felt wiser, though every now and again he would scare himself. The last time he smiled was in September, when he defeated the first follower. Other than that, not even a hint of happiness crossed his lips. But, what frightened him the most was what he did yesterday. He felt depressed like he normally was sometimes, but instead of coping with it, he took water and tried to pour it into his eyes. For Max, it felt as if he was a chair that couldn’t take any more weight, like he couldn’t carry his burden. All he wanted to do was cry for once in his life, as he watched his friends did when Noah died. The thirst for tears never felt so strong now.

I'm no expert but

Days only seemed to get (only?) longer for Max. The memories of last year haunted him. Now that Max was 18 he felt wiser. Every now and again he would scare himself. The last time he smiled was in September, when he had defeated the first follower. Other than that, not even a hint of happiness had crossed his lips. But what frightened him the most was what he did yesterday. He felt depressed like he sometimes was, yet instead of coping with it he took water and tried to pour it into his eyes. For Max, it felt as if he was a chair that couldn’t take any more weight. It was as if he couldn’t carry his burden any longer. All he wanted to do was cry for once in his life as his friends did when Noah died. The thirst for tears never felt so strong now.

Hope I helped
GH

Hey, there, magmafly!

Could you explain what doesn't seem right to you? Do you mean grammar-wise or mood-wise or something else?

Aside from what Gravehound said, what I can think of is:
- How/why did he scare himself? In what way does it contradict him feeling wiser?
- Something about the sentence "He felt depressed like he normally was sometimes, but instead of coping with it, he took water and tried to pour it into his eyes." I would change it to "He felt depressed like he had lately..." (maybe not the best choice, but 'normally' and 'sometimes' seem to contradict each other somehow) And I don't understand the part about pouring water into his eyes. Did he do it as a punishment? Or because he was desperate? I don't know, I'm just stuck there.
- Also, I would change the part where he feels like a chair. I guess you could count it as a style-thing, but I would write "Max felt like a chair that couldn't take any more weight."

Good luck and let us know if that's what you even meant.

Days only seemed to grow longer for Max. The memories of the past year haunted him. He was eighteen now, and wiser, though every now and again he would scare himself. The last time he had smiled was in September, when he had defeated his first Follower. Since then, not even a subtle smile rose in his heart. But what frightened him most, happened just yesterday. He felt depressed as he often did, but instead of coping with it he took water and poured it into his eyes, just to bring back the faint memory of what tears once felt like. Max was a tired horse that couldn’t take any more weight, like as if his burden had finally conquered him. For once in his life, all he wanted to do was cry, like his friends had done when Noah died. His longing for tears could never be felt as strongly as they were now.

So, I obviously changed a lot. But this is how I would write this piece. I understand that there are probably some things that you'd like to stay and of course it’s just a matter of style and opinion.

However, the use of the chair seemed a little difficult to imagine as a reader. To me, a chair doesn’t get a lot of weight. But something like a bench or a horse usually carries a lot of weight and it’s easier in my mind’s eye to imagine what he’s going through.

Also, the sentence about him scaring himself is hard to understand why. There wasn’t too much depth to it so it left me wondering. Does he scare himself because he still does childish things? Does he scare himself because of how mature he is? I wasn’t quite sure. Maybe explain in a little detail why?

And last but not least! I love the idea of him taking water into his eyes just to remember what it felt like to cry. Very different!

Let me know what you think!

I'm very new to this, and this is my first attempt, so take it with a grain of salt.

His days only seemed to get only longer for Max and the memories of last year haunted him. Now that Max was 18, he felt wiser, though every now and again he could still scare himself. The last time he had smiled was September when he had defeated the first follower. Other than that, not even a hint of happiness crossed his lips. But, what frightened him the most was what he had done yesterday. He felt depressed which was nothing new, and as usual, instead of coping with it he took water and splashed his face as if trying to wash the feelings away. For Max, it felt as if he was a chair that couldn’t take any more weight, if so much as a feather was added on he would collapse. All he wanted to do was cry, for once in his life, as he had watched his friends do when Noah died. The thirst for tears had never felt so strong before now.

I have to agree with Avery, I am left with a lot of questions.

What happened to make him so sad?
What did he do yesterday that was so frightening?
Why can't he cry? Is it pride that won't let him, or something else?

Hope it's ok