Thread: Spying on children or spouse, acceptable?

I'm not talking about just to be nosy. I'm talking about if you have a good reason to suspect that something isn't right. As parents, everyone has a responsibility to see that thier kids are safe. According to a search on Google, 40% of kids in the UK admitted to sexting or sending/receiving pornographic pictures of themselves to friends via a cell phone.

I posted yesterday about the software that is available to listen in or record cell phone conversations, log each keystroke of texts, locate them through the built in GPS or activate their phone remotely to listen in on what is going on around them.

Spouses aren't immune. Many will actually go into the bathroom to send or receive a text leaving their phone on vibrate to conceal the ring. Modern technology makes it a lot easier to cheat via cell phones or online. But software exists to reveal everything that a person does. If they are doing nothing wrong, they have nothing to hide.

It all depends on what you consider "good reason" -- like hard evidence, or maybe something a friend told you? I guess I'd be worried if my wife was always going into the bathroom to use the phone. Some behavior is pretty hard to explain away. Regardless, no matter how hard people try to cover their tracks, they'll get caught out eventually. And the longer something goes on, the sloppier people get about it. It's usually just a matter of time. Although, sometimes a spouse will be in denial, and let things go on indefinitely. I've seen that.

This is a difficult topic. For someone who genuinely believes that they are being cheated on, there have obviously been enough signs to make them think that way in the first place. There are ways and means of finding out whether your spouse or partner is being unfaithful without logging their every move with technology.

With regards to the "spying", this can be useful and helpful to creep track of your children, but it can also become a problem. There are many parents who are over-protective of their children as it is. You can only imagine how over-the-top this can become. What about a jealous boyfriend / girlfriend or ex? This can become a shocking invasion of one's privacy.

I am not sure how exactly I feel about this, but I am leaning towards the negative.

With kids you often know whether you can trust them or not, it's what other kids are trying to tempt them to do that you have to be on guard against. some kids are just rotten to the core due to bad parenting and can be a bad influence.

Spouses on the other hand can be quite devious. A lot of times, there is no obvious "hard evidence" until one looks. A lot of people cheat as evidenced by the divorce rate. I suppose that some rednecks around here have those game cameras that detect motion and snap pictures while they are at work.

Originally Posted by Jinxi

This is a difficult topic. For someone who genuinely believes that they are being cheated on, there have obviously been enough signs to make them think that way in the first place. There are ways and means of finding out whether your spouse or partner is being unfaithful without logging their every move with technology.

With regards to the "spying", this can be useful and helpful to creep track of your children, but it can also become a problem. There are many parents who are over-protective of their children as it is. You can only imagine how over-the-top this can become. What about a jealous boyfriend / girlfriend or ex? This can become a shocking invasion of one's privacy.

I am not sure how exactly I feel about this, but I am leaning towards the negative.

An ex cannot gain access to your cell phone or computer unless they burglarize your home. The target cell cell phone must be programmed with the software as must the computer. As far as a jealous boyfriend/girlfriend goes, a shocking invasion of one's privacy pales in comparison to being betrayed while one smiles in your face. Some people stay in a marriage long after the love is gone for money, the kids or just comfort.

It is a difficult topic, but one that is good for a debate. The only people I could see objecting to it would be those who are not being honest.

Originally Posted by Ditch

It is a difficult topic, but one that is good for a debate. The only people I could see objecting to it would be those who are not being honest.

I am an honest partner, but I would still have a problem if my man wanted to log the texts that I sent or follow my whereabouts on GPS. It's creepy. If you believe that your spouse / partner is being dishonest, there are already problems in your relationship. Tracking it with technology is not going to change that, it will only clarify it.

I suppose everyone will have a different opinion on this

Originally Posted by Jinxi

I am an honest partner, but I would still have a problem if my man wanted to log the texts that I sent or follow my whereabouts on GPS.

There is is, you are an honest partner so there is no good reason to suspect or spy as I stated. Relationships all have different comfort zones and what is allowed within the relationship. Some people have no problem whatsoever with their spouse going out to lunch with a member of the opposite sex, carpooling or meeting after work for drinks. In other relationships this would be seen as a major problem and a betrayal of trust. I'm not judging either, just saying that all people are different in what is acceptable in their relationship.

One may see nothing wrong with the repeated texting of a member of the opposite sex as long as it is innocent. Their partner however may get extremely upset about this if it is not known and only done behind their back, understandably so. Once the partner makes it plain this is unacceptable, if it stops, no problem. They still may be upset that it ever happened to begin with, knowing that their spouse would not tolerate such behavior out of them and see it as cheating.

Originally Posted by Ditch

It is a difficult topic, but one that is good for a debate. The only people I could see objecting to it would be those who are not being honest.

So what you're saying is that, because I'm a loyal partner, I should have no problem with my partner using technology to listen to my phonecalls or hack into my email account? I shouldn't be concerned about it if I've got nothing to hide? Or maybe I just value my privacy. There is a huge difference between wanting privacy and have something to hide. My bank statement doesn't have anything in it that I need to hide, but I'm not going to invite the neighbours round to have a look at it.

If someone is even thinking about spying on their partner or spouse, then the relationship is already over. Either the spouse is cheating and the person spying will be upset, or the spouse is innocent and will be upset when they find out they've been spied on.

NB - A point in case. My partner just walked into the room while I was typing this and wanted to quickly check something on the computer. I minimised the screen before handing the mouse over because I hate people reading anything that I've written before it's been posted. My partner wasn't remotely bothered!

When we were children, we would go onto a rooftop at night to spy on a woman who liked walking around her apartment in the nude. Spying on children? One could argue we turned the tables.

You can only spy at the expense of trust. Not just their trust. Your trust too. Neither's ever easy to grow back. Sometimes, some people might decide it's worth it. But there'll always be cost.

No spying. If I think my kids are doing something, I will ask flat out and expect answers. When they drive, they will be given a phone for their use and so I can reach them if I need to only. I trust my husband. He knows if he chooses someone else, he has chosen to let me go. Same goes for me.

Pretty much pizzes me off that I might be spied on in the city too. Inside a business, I understand. Outside on the sidewalk, I am not happy about that.

Back in the 1980's, my college girlfriend used me to cover the fact that she was sexually involved with her father. She told me, first date, that she was a virgin and intended to stay that way as she was religious (great cover story, huh ?). Anyway, I bought into it, and as graduation neared, we became engaged, but grudgingly on her part ("why is marriage necessary ? Do we really have to live together ?"). I saw weird things on half a dozen occasions and dismissed them, thinking no 22 year old, in college, would be doing her dad. Finally, she fessed up and broke off the engagement.

That taught me a lot. When I went on first dates, I would tell dates, "Don't lie to me. Not even the tiniest of lies. I'll get over a brutal truth, but not a lie."

Yes, some people, lies are a daily part of life. First lie, and the relationship is over. A lie means that she doesn't respect me and regards me as inferior.

Some were surprised that I practice a no tolerance approach on this.

It's why I'm a fifty year old bachelor. I will not compromise my principles. If that means that I end up alone, so be it.

So what you're saying is that, because I'm a loyal partner, I should have no problem with my partner using technology to listen to my phonecalls or hack into my email account?

That's not what I said at all, ever. What I said was...

I'm not talking about just to be nosy. I'm talking about if you have a good reason to suspect that something isn't right.

Let me put it like this. Say if your young teenage daughter had a few of their friends over and they were sitting on the porch talking. The window is open and you can hear their conversation but you aren't really paying attention to it. Then you just happen to pass by and hear the words, "getting high, getting stoned, getting drunk," or "Having sex". You, as a good parent would and should then listen to the conversation to protect your daughter from a bad influence, would you not?

The computer software is very adaptable. You don't have to record every keystroke or email. You can simply turn those features off and just use "keyword alerts" You set the alerts, if your kid types or receives say the words, "get drunk, get stoned, weed, ecstasy, have sex, parents gone, meet me" or whatever. Then you have a good reason to be a lot more alert as I said in the beginning. You can't be around your kids 24/7 and the world is full of bad influences.

Sexual predators posing as a teenage boy, talking for hours to a kid, then luring them to a mall to meet. Most major police stations have a squad dedicated to staying in chat rooms posing as 13 year old girls guarding against such thing, it happens every day. Thank God they spy on our kids for their safety. Setting keyword alerts is nothing more than parental controls on a computer to stop bad websites from being visited. My stepson spent the night with a friend and his parents gave him full access to the computer, no parental controls whatsoever. They were 13 and the software allowed me to see they spent hours looking at hardcore porn. I see it as a burglar alarm or added security system.

Spying on an errant partner or children is a complete waste of time. If you don't trust your partner then what is the point of the relationship. If she or he wants to play the slut then let them. There is nothing you can do to change a slut into a virtuous person anyway. It will simply bring you lots of grief. The sooner they step into depravity the better and then you are free to seek a decent partner.

Regarding children, if the children you have raised are going to ignore everything you ever taught them and race around into illegal activities then you have failed. Either because you never tried or because you have not set an example. If yo are rotten then the odds are the children will follow your example and become and act rotten.

What on earth makes you think you can make a rotten apple fit for eating. If the apple is rotten you had best throw it away. Speak to your children, teach them what is right. Show them love and demonstrate affection that would be a better use of your time.

Originally Posted by ewan

.Regarding children, if the children you have raised are going to ignore everything you ever taught them and race around into illegal activities then you have failed. Either because you never tried or because you have not set an example. If yo are rotten then the odds are the children will follow your example and become and act rotten.

That's not really true. It's very often not about "failure." I know parents who have set very good examples and done just about everything right -- and the child still goes down the wrong path. I used to be pretty skeptical when a parent would say, "my child fell in with the wrong crowd" -- but really, that's all it takes -- sometimes it can be just one friend or boyfriend or girlfriend that can lead a child into trouble.

I've also seen siblings raised more or less the same way -- and one gets in trouble and the other doesn't. At some point, you have limited control. Ask any parent who's raised teenagers and they'll tell you -- whether or not a kid stays on the straight and narrow has a lot to do with pure luck. And if they don't, it's very often not do to some "failure" on the part of the parents. I've also seen kids turn out OK who have "rotten" parents. My wife would be an example. She was raised by a single mom who mostly ignored her -- virtually no parenting except criticism -- and you couldn't turn out better than she did.

Speak to your children, teach them what is right. Show them love and demonstrate affection that would be a better use of your time.

Is this something you've actually done, or is this all theory on your part?