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Old 07-09-2008, 01:16 PM   #1
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A Bloody Facade (256 words)

A Bloody Façade
It was a portrait. A portrait of a man smiling on a warm summer day, holding up his child with love and care. The warm sun shined on the grass and the trees in the background swayed with a cool breeze. The man’s eyes were glistening with love for his child and the pure joy of the moment. His smile was the smile of a man without worry or care. His child wore a small spotted dress which was blowing in the breeze. She was practically glowing in the sunlight. She was the man’s precious child, whom he would always look after till the end of his days.

It was a beautiful picture. A picture of a moment in time when all was good. Some might even call it a masterpiece. Each blade of grass was painted with the utmost detail. Each wrinkle on the man’s face, each spot on the child’s dress all painted to perfection. The painter put as much love into this painting as the man had for his child. It was an amazing, and beautiful thing.

It was a portrait. Painted in blood on the wall of a shoddy hotel room. The same man in the painting was lying in a heap against the wall with a bloody gash across his stomach. His organs peeking out of gash as he sat in a dried pool of his own blood with the same smile as above plastered to his face.

The worst thing of all is perversion disguised as beauty.
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Old 07-09-2008, 01:55 PM   #2
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Sorry, Lontepark, I just can't believe it. How could you paint such a detailed scene in just one color? And you don't mention a brush. That spoiled it for me. I get why he painted it, but "perversion disguised as beauty?" I think it should be "perversion that recognizes beauty."

Hope that helps,

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Old 07-09-2008, 02:06 PM   #3
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Grammatcally incorrect sentences and there's no way you can see the sun shining and stuff if the whole painting is one colour (and blood doesn't make for very good paint). Sounds like it tried too hard to change the mood from - something happy and gay to something horrifyin - it fails with this. 'Blood' is mentioned too often.

and that peversion sentence in the end just makes it look like a poor story about morals - or a poem or something.
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Old 07-09-2008, 02:29 PM   #4
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Bah. I dunno. I guess it was sorta a poor story about morals, haha. Thing is I was reading a story (not on this site) about a guy who fell in love with his sister, and the thing was beautifully written, but the idea of the thing was so creepy. I guess I wanted to convey how perversion can be disguised as beauty, but I missed the mark. I'm not that great at descriptions in the first place.

Also, I guess the beauty wasn't relevant to the scene, so the moral fell short. Probably would've illustrated the moral better if I showed the guy obsessing over his daughter or something of the like.

Thanks for reading it! And sorry if I creeped any of you out.
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Old 07-09-2008, 03:43 PM   #5
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you didn't creep me out - it may have been because I didn't understand the message.
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