Abuse - Writers Forum

tucanbundy · 07-08-2008, 09:55 AM

I wrote this out of nowhere.It is a personal story.It uses a character from my book (Taylor Kurten) and mentions another (Akira MacFarlane), but it's not related to it at all.You can rip it apart all you like, I don't really see anyone even responding, so any review is a good one.

A man sat at one end of the table while Taylor sat at the opposite end, sobbing.A glass pitcher of water sat nearby on the table.
"So tell me again what it is you want." the man said.
"I want you to hit me..."
"What?"
"I want you to hurt me."
"Why do you want me to hurt you?"
"Because I like it."
"You like being in pain?"
"Yes." she took a deep breath. "I like it when I'm hurt."
"Why do you like to be in pain?"
"Because it turns me on."
"You get off on pain?"
"Blood, bruises, tears...everything."
"I see."
"I wish I was Akira, she's always in pain."
"I don't think she enjoys it."
"But I do." Taylor started sobbing again. "Are you gonna hurt me?"
"No."
"Please?"
"Why would I-"
"If you don't, I will."
"You'll what?"
"I'll hurt myself."
"What do you mean?"
Taylor stood up.
"You said you'd help me."
"I will, but-"
"So hurt me!"
"But what would that-"
"Hurt me, you fucker!" Taylor pounded her fist on the table. "I wanna bleed!I wanna cry!I wanna cum!"
"I'm not going to hurt you!"
"Then I'll fucking do it myself!" Taylor picked up the water pitcher.The man stood up.
"Taylor, what are you doing?Put the pitcher down!"
Taylor threw the pitcher to the ground, causing it to shatter.She picked up a large shard of glass.
"Taylor, you don't want to hurt yourself." the man slowly approached her as she backed away from him.
"Stand back!" she swung the shard around like a knife. "I told you, if you didn't hurt me, I will!"
"I'm not gonna hurt you."
"YES YOU WILL!"
"You know I won't, I'm a psychologist, I want to help you."
"THEN I'LL DO IT!" Taylor held the shard up to her throat.
"Do you really want to kill yourself?"
"I don't know.Do I?" she started panting.
"Where did this outburst come from?" he held his hand out. "Please, Taylor, calm down."
"It's too late!"
"What?"
"IT'S TOO FUCKING LATE!"
"Calm down!"
"Say a prayer for me!"
"Don't do it!"
Before he could stop her, Taylor slit her own throat.

edropus · 07-08-2008, 11:08 PM

Kind of at a loss. There's nothing really wrong with it, except as a stand alone piece it doesn't mean much. It's quick, the dialog is relatively natural, and it does have an appropriate sense of urgency. I'd be interested to read something like this from start to finish; I like fast, no-sense dialog, which you present pretty well.

I'd normally complain that the psychologist keeps calling her by her name, but that might be something that a psychologist does when trying to reason with a maniac.

Kast13 · 07-09-2008, 12:25 AM

I really wanted him to punch her in the teeth...other than that it wasn't bad. The problem I did have with it was it reminded me of fight club.

Taylor Kurten
Tyler Durden

TYLER: You're welcome. But, I want you to do me one favor.
JACK: What's that?
TYLER: I want you to hit me as hard as you can.
JACK: What?
TYLER: I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

Man: So tell me again what it is you want.
Taylor: I want you to hit me...
Man: What?
Taylor: I want you to hurt me.

I know its completely different, I'm just pointing out my reaction.

tucanbundy · 07-10-2008, 01:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by edropus

Kind of at a loss. There's nothing really wrong with it, except as a stand alone piece it doesn't mean much. It's quick, the dialog is relatively natural, and it does have an appropriate sense of urgency. I'd be interested to read something like this from start to finish; I like fast, no-sense dialog, which you present pretty well.

I'd normally complain that the psychologist keeps calling her by her name, but that might be something that a psychologist does when trying to reason with a maniac.

It's actually the first part of a series.The second part is with a boy who raped his younger sister.

I'm planning on doing twelve different segments.

Malone · 07-10-2008, 02:52 AM

I'd like more of a scene description. I didn't know if they were in a restaurant, dining room, or doctor's office. Some more physical movements would have been nice too, but not too many that it dilutes the quick back and forth of the dialog. The end should have been more graphic and detailed. And if he's a psychologist, why would he need her to explain masochism to him? This wasn't bad, but with that title, and some of the stories I've heard you tell about yourself, I was expecting something much more fierce and disturbing. I never really felt her pain. All my criticisms might be irrelevant if this is just an excerpt from a longer chapter though. As it's own segment, even one of many, it just isn't enough.

Akira MacFarlane? Is that japanese-scottish?

tucanbundy · 07-10-2008, 04:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Malone

I'd like more of a scene description. I didn't know if they were in a restaurant, dining room, or doctor's office. Some more physical movements would have been nice too, but not too many that it dilutes the quick back and forth of the dialog. The end should have been more graphic and detailed. And if he's a psychologist, why would he need her to explain masochism to him? This wasn't bad, but with that title, and some of the stories I've heard you tell about yourself, I was expecting something much more fierce and disturbing. I never really felt her pain. All my criticisms might be irrelevant if this is just an excerpt from a longer chapter though. As it's own segment, even one of many, it just isn't enough.

Akira MacFarlane? Is that japanese-scottish?

In Scotland, Akira is a girl's name.She's just Scottish.I do homework for my characters' names because I consider myself an equal oppurtunity offender.Akira is a unisex name in Japan and she was based on a Japanese character, though.

It is part of a longer story.No criticisms are irrelevant, though, I appreciate all feedback.As I mentioned, it's one twelfth of a short story.Taylor's pain addiction is described more in my actual book, but due to the length of the chapters I can't post any of it (unless I do it in seperate posts, which I would do if I weren't so goddamn lazy).

In the actual book, Taylor is predominately a comic relief character.In one chapter she explains her childhood and pain addiction in more detail, and it does bear some similarities to my own life.I've considered writing a book based on my life, but I feel like I'm too young to do that.I probably could write a more disturbing story, given my own experiences.But Abuse isn't done yet, I still got to write eleven more segments.I didn't want it to be disturbing because I don't want people to think I write for shock value, since the stuff I've written for my stand up routine is fairly similar.

I agree that the ending should have been more graphic.I also agree that I should have described the setting better.I think I should have made it a little longer, too, because rereading it it looks like she just snaps.I don't normally write serious stuff, but I'll work on it a little bit.This is just a rough draft.

It looks almost like I read your comment backwards.Anyway, thank you for the advice.

crazed scribe · 07-10-2008, 12:28 PM

The fluency in your character's speech and the method you have used to slowly reveal the whole situation is brilliant but it seems like the only description is the very beginning line so maybe you could just work on describing a lot more of the scene. Good Luck and I hope it helps! CS

alanmt · 07-10-2008, 12:36 PM

I also did not know where they were at first, incorrectly assuming they were in a bar.

It seems that she only got the first thing she wanted - to bleed. She didn't get to cry or cum. Maybe she should have thought it through a little bit more.

seigfried007 · 07-10-2008, 12:49 PM

Well, if it's a psychologist, they don't usually meet near tables or with glass pitchers available--think 'den' type rooms with comfy couches, pretty scenery or windows and pictures on the walls if they can't have windows and scenery. They might have a low-slung coffee table but most of the time, just an end table or two for cute table lamps and a desk for the shrinks PC.

Hate saying this, but the lack of spaces between sentences bugs me to no end.

Shrinks don't usually need the patient to explain things like masochism to them, Malone, but they like a patient thinking through the whys of tehir problems for themselves. Also, without said questions, incorrect diagnosis (and treatment) are quite possible.

Not all people who crave pain are masochists.

Nicco · 07-10-2008, 03:22 PM

Your dialog flows well, but I think you should make this piece longer, or more descriptive, or something because I didn't feel too interested in it or in the characters. The psychologist needs some work. For an Average Joe he is believable, but as a professional I'd expect him to seem better trained at handling her.

To be honest though, I'm probably not the best person to critique this. I've had quite a bit of exposure to violence against women when I was younger and the subject tends to leave me with an extremely heavy and uneasy feeling. It's just not something I desire to read about so I'm probably being excessively critical here.