Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Critique and Advice
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Critique and Advice Works seeking critique, advice or assistance.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 07-07-2008, 05:56 PM   #1
Prolific Writer
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 200
kookicat
What do you think?

Intense, unyielding pain. It is all that I am. It is all that I can remember. What am I? Who am I? The questions seem to float in the air around my face. Face. Face? I have a face? The pain is so bad that is has become a state of being. If it stops, I’ll shatter. Face. The word nags me. Why?

A movement and the blank whiteness turns into a thousand pretty colours. The northern lights inside of my own mind. A lightshow to rival any other. Face. That word again. Oh, alright. Hand. Arm. Move. The words throw themselves at me like battering rams. Hand.
The smallest twitch of broken, hurting fingers and the word connects. Hand. I have hands. Arm. It’s caked it blood and other things but reluctantly obeys. A jolt of colour, from wrist to shoulder.

Trembling fingers dance over torn lips and damaged teeth. A flare of bright yellow from my cheek. I don’t like it. The colour is... wrong. My arm drops. More colour. Bright red. I ignore it. Hu... wom... Human. Woman. The words have no meaning. Like a jigsaw puzzle with the edges cut off, nothing connects. Human. Woman.

Those words again. Hand. Arm. Face. Human. Woman.

That’s me. And my name is Jill.



This is something I wrote while pretty much asleep. I can't really remember writing it, and don't know what to make of it because it's not really my style. Feel free to rip it
__________________


Aerial (working title)
kookicat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-07-2008, 06:06 PM   #2
Prolific Writer
 
Sen Yama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Internet
Gender: Female
Posts: 239
Sen Yama is on a distinguished road
sorry, the word 'pretty' pulled me right out of the story...
__________________
Writing is the dance of the fingers across keys.
Writing is the fluid motion of pen on paper.
Writing is the soul dancing before another's eyes.
Writing is something that must be loved to be done well.
Sen Yama is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-07-2008, 06:22 PM   #3
Prolific Writer
 
starStuff's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: earth
Gender: Male
Posts: 223
starStuff is on a distinguished road
Send a message via AIM to starStuff
interesting. it seemed to me like some abstract monologue someone may perform on stage at an open mic or a coffee house. Not sure how it would hold up in a story, but it had a certain poetic appeal to it.
__________________
Please read and critique my Novella-in-Progress, tentatively titled:
The Gadon Stone
Prologue
Chapter 1: The Library

Chapter 2 is in the works. These are posted in the Critique and Advice forum here.
starStuff is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-11-2008, 05:52 AM   #4
Addict
 
Andrew Carson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Surrey, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 119
Andrew Carson is on a distinguished road
Send a message via MSN to Andrew Carson Send a message via Skype™ to Andrew Carson
I think it could hold up in a story but as a prologue maybe? I like it for the fact that it is interesting and diffrent. Infact thinking about it, I would put it into a prologue! Then you could go on to talk about Jill's life and how she got into that state.
Andrew Carson is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:30 PM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers