FWGEE

Well, I've hung around long enough and finally plucked up the courage to make a post.

It's the opening to one of my works-in-progress - let me know what you think, but remember, I'm fragile!

1

With her head clamped between his knees her muscles tightened. The Lady MayLing pushed. Pain. She screamed. Such pain, and fears. The blindfold added to her dread as she struggled against her bonds.

Tokatar backhanded her across the face. The ring on his finger raked across her cheek. Warm blood dribbled down her face. "No you don't you witch-whore. You'll not look into my eyes, or that of the child." His mission would fail if she were to name the babe.

Again she pushed. It was done. Words of power echoed in her mind as she fought for breath.

Toktar reached down and slashed his knife across the umbilical cord. The blade travelled on and sliced into her thigh. Blood spurted from the severed artery and splashed on to the face of the baby who yelled.

MayLing whimpered. "Please, spare the child."

He laughed. A twisted, sardonic kind of laugh that sent shivers through her sweat streaked body. "The child is no longer yours. He belongs to Boraxe." He stabbed her in the chest. "Go meet your God, you bitch."

Her head fell back onto a bloodstained pillow. The cries from the child were barely audible against the cacophony of sound from outside the tent where his men slaughtered what were left of her retainers and guards.

He sat back on his haunches and looked at the bloodied heap between MayLing's legs. How had Boraxe known she would birth to a boy child? He looked at the midwife and pointed to the babe. "You live if the child does. You understand?"

She nodded and picked up the babe. She washed the blood from his body and then wrapped the child in a small blanket which bore the crest of a panther.

Tokatar stood. "How are you named?"

"I is Megan, I is."

She did not fear him, the steel in her eyes as cold and sharp as the frost outside. "You are not Xarian?"

"A was taken by your kind when a child, when they attacks my village."

"Now you serve me. Wait here." He wiped his hands down his trouser legs and strode out of the pavilion. He knelt to wash his hands in the snow, the blood would not come off. He shrugged and moved to join his men.

Except for the midwife – and the goat for milk – all members of MayLing's entourage were dead. Their eyes, hands, and feet removed and then burned in separate pits to prevent their spirits from seeking him out in the afterlife.
The Xarian dead, thankfully only three - conscripts, not true warriors - he ordered buried in a clear patch soil some distance from the camp. They would be remembered at the feast that awaited him when he reached his destination.

The morning sun would melt the snow and he doubted any who found the camp would be able to follow. He then split his force into several groups. Each would take a different route back to Xaria whilst he, with his personal guard, would head east to meet Boraxe.

He smiled.

When he sent for MayLing's corpse, his men reported it gone. He ran to Megan, grabbed her arm, and spun her around to face him. "The witch has gone. Where is she"?

She shrugged her shoulders and smiled.

He slapped her.

She turned her head back to him. Blood seeped onto her lips from an upper tooth which leaned to one side.

"You kills me and you's got none to care for the child."

Her crooked smile mocked him. Was she too a witch woman? He let go her arm and ordered his men to widen the search. He knew she could not survive with such a wound, but he could not delay any longer.

The search revealed nothing. No tracks from her pavilion and no trace of her spilled blood anywhere to be seen. The Warlord ordered twenty of his men to make a broader sweep around the camp while he readied his departure. They did not find her body.

end

__________________
It is not the darkness I fear, but the lack of a light.

Akumu

What I think you should do to pull the reader in is to make us visualise what's going on more. So, rather than saying "Such pain, and fears," explain them to us so we can feel what she's feeling. Don't just say it, but make us afraid.

__________________
"Art is a guarantee of sanity." - Louise Bourgeois

FWGEE

Thanks Akumu.

I'll see what I can do.

__________________
It is not the darkness I fear, but the lack of a light.

spider8

One or two things didn't feel right at the beginning. Firstly, the head/knee- clamping bit. That was difficult for me to visualise; with nothing to go on I didn't know if she was kneeling and he was standing and she was facing the ground, or if she was sitting and - well, you'll get the point. Secondly you make reference to a blindfold and then he says no, you will not look into my eyes. Then I was wondering why, with her bonds and a blindfold, why she needed the knee-headclamping at all. The very last sentence could be improved upon, it feels light but the import of it should place it in a beefier paragraph to build up to it more. The whole thing read okay though I do come across a lot of fantasy fiction on this site- The Quaziquorgs of Quarg, The Magic Staff of Olirad etc. But it read quite smoothly, so well done.

FWGEE

Thanks for the note - the opening is one of three. Still dont know which to use as yet.

__________________
It is not the darkness I fear, but the lack of a light.

The Hack

Can we see the other beginnings?

I liked the story; I hated the opening. When I read the first sentence, I cringed and wondered if I should read on. The good thing is that I'm glad I did.

karax268

On the whole I liked it.
One thing though. You begin in the POV off May Ling and continue in the POV off Toktar. Is this intentional? If so, it might be better to make the change more clear.