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Old 06-21-2008, 02:55 AM   #1
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The First Words Ive Written in 22 Years

Yep its been that long since I even tried to write a story, and perhaps with a bit of critiquing here we can make it 22 more.......just kidding.

Ive had this scene in my mind for a few days now, and to be honest it was starting to annoy me, that plus an idea for a sci-fi story thats probably way beyond my tiny little reach right now. Hey but no one ever mistook me for being smart so Ill give it a try anyway.

I started to write a brief outline but even that is going to take some time since I have mental constipation at the moment. Any way here gos what I have so far, oh and by the way , yes I am a terrible speller and will have to use some sort of spell check software, dont mean to grate on anyones nerves.

.................................................. .................................................. ............................

Time.

It seems like some sick joke played on anybody affected by it. When life is good and all in the world seems right,it passes like the wind,but when things go sour and cruel it just grinds to a halt.

In the stone and steel womb of Koth Prime ,time stood still as a statute. Here rockcrete cells peeking out onto dimly lit halls through cold iron bars were always a reminder. A reminder that no one gets out of this womb walking upright. When the stone whore spat out her children,they came out stiff and cold.

Grey skys trickled little light into Mu'Hadib's cell, winter was slowly creeping its way back into the world but that mattered little here, where every day was damp,cold and stale.

Five years has passed since his arrival to Koth, two years prior Mu'Hadib was held on the main continent of Antronicus. The powers that be decided to ship him off to their main prison facility of Koth until they decided whether or not his life was worth the air he inhaled.

Five years here,thinner than he could ever remember being, with hair and beard long and unruly, with no one to talk to except the roaches or the occasional rat that decided to pay a visit via the comode in the far corner of his cell.

His keepers were all still scared of him after all this time, not of any physical strength or prowess he might have left, but of what he could do with mere words.

Mu'Hadib was Arkenite, a shadow talker, a will bender and a host of other titles.Given enough time with his keepers he could have them escorting him out of confinement with food in his belly and money in his pocket. No chances were taken with this one, a lone prisoner, tucked away in a lone cell, far from general population.
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Old 06-21-2008, 03:01 AM   #2
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Seems original so far, so keep going.
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Old 06-21-2008, 03:04 AM   #3
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I think you can do better than this.
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Old 06-21-2008, 03:10 AM   #4
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I think you can do better than this.

Now if I can convince myself of that mr godofliterature, than we will have accomplished something! But never the less Ill do my best.
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Old 06-21-2008, 03:11 AM   #5
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Maybe if you imported this "man with will-bending powers" into a modern, "real world" setting, it would work better.
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Old 06-21-2008, 10:05 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by beaglegod View Post
Time.

It seems like some sick joke played on anybody affected by it. When life is good and all in the world seems right,it passes like the wind,but when things go sour and cruel it just grinds to a halt.
Okay, here's a little critique.

The opening did nothing for me. The lure of using the time passes quickly or slowly depending on the character's situation (it's almost like pathetic fallacy) is not enough to overcome the cliche of it all. Cut it. Start with the second full paragraph (the one about the stone womb), although the imagery here could be tunned up a bit too.

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Five years here,thinner than he could ever remember being, with hair and beard long and unruly, with no one to talk to except the roaches or the occasional rat that decided to pay a visit via the comode in the far corner of his cell.
Not sure if this is run-on or not, but I think you should split up the ideas here and expand on them, giving the reader more of a picture of the life this inmate is facing.

Quote:
Mu'Hadib was Arkenite, a shadow talker, a will bender and a host of other titles.Given enough time with his keepers he could have them escorting him out of confinement with food in his belly and money in his pocket. No chances were taken with this one, a lone prisoner, tucked away in a lone cell, far from general population.
I think if you were to jump into the story right here, and show the guards anxiety towards the man instead of telling it, you could capture the reader's attention and start to build Mu'Hadib's character. Also I always think it's better to introduce a shadow talker without ever calling him a shadow talker; makes it more mysterious.

Anyways what you got here is a good start. Although the actual prose itself does need to be cleaned up (I'll leave that to someone more qualified than myself), the story does seem exciting. Keep at it. Honestly it's easy to give up, but you'll see that the more you start writing again, the easier it'll be to not get as mentally constipated!
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Last edited by Katastrof : 06-21-2008 at 07:12 PM.
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Old 06-21-2008, 12:36 PM   #7
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I think you should expand the first paragraph a bit. It will be like a prologue. But the rest is great. It has potential.
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Old 06-21-2008, 04:52 PM   #8
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You should consider revising your grammar and vocabulary a bit. Example, 'skys' instead of 'skies', also 'five years has passed' instead of 'five years have passed'. Typos such as 'statute' instead of what I would imagine was supposed to be 'statue'. It's difficult to concentrate on the style (although I've noticed some lack of spaces after commas) and furthermore, the story itself, with all those errors around.

A final thought. Be more direct and decisive in your writing. While you might believe '...lit halls through cold iron bars were always a reminder. A reminder that no one gets out...' is an okay transition, it's actually not. '...lit halls through cold iron bars were always a reminder that no one gets out...' is much more acceptable.
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Old 06-21-2008, 04:58 PM   #9
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A useful start. There is a voice here, wanting to be heard... run with it and see where it takes you...

Go with it and good luck.

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Old 06-21-2008, 08:07 PM   #10
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You should consider revising your grammar and vocabulary a bit. Example, 'skys' instead of 'skies', also 'five years has passed' instead of 'five years have passed'. Typos such as 'statute' instead of what I would imagine was supposed to be 'statue'. It's difficult to concentrate on the style (although I've noticed some lack of spaces after commas) and furthermore, the story itself, with all those errors around.

A final thought. Be more direct and decisive in your writing. While you might believe '...lit halls through cold iron bars were always a reminder. A reminder that no one gets out...' is an okay transition, it's actually not. '...lit halls through cold iron bars were always a reminder that no one gets out...' is much more acceptable.
Yes this is going to be a problem with me for the forseable future. I am terrible with spelling and not the best at proper punctuation. Probably will be best if I have someone help me correct things before I show a piece of work or idea.

To Mr Katastrof, those helpful hints are greatly apreciated, in fact most of them I feel will influence how I try my hand at this from here on! Especially:

"I think if you were to jump into the story right here, and show the guards anxiety towards the man instead of telling it, you could capture the reader's attention and start to build Mu'Hadib's character. Also I always think it's better to introduce a shadow talker without ever calling him a shadow talker; makes it more mysterious."

Thats quite a gold nugget right there, thank you, and to all for any/all encouragement. Needless to say I will need tons of it as Im not a college professor or english major, just a guy who's read a lot of good books.
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