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Old 06-18-2008, 11:23 AM   #1
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"Unification" Chapter 1

Hey All,

Well, I've intro'd myself, and now I think it's time to get to the purpose of why I am here. This is the first chapter of my novel, full working title, Beyond Apocalypse: Unification."
--------------------------


Chapter One

The Prime Minister’s ship flew into the shadow cast from the nearby planet of Ambrooke. It had been many months since he had seen the sprawling capitol, and a sudden rush of homesickness had now come over him. He longed now, more than ever, to see his daughter. The last contact he had made with her was on Crijak, and now that he was only an hour away from her, he wondered what he would say to her. Even though it had only been a few weeks since he had talked with her, it felt like an eternity. And with all his work in the government, always being away from home was starting to take its toll on him.

He knew that he had very trusting people working under him, and that everything would be in proper working order. If he had anyone but the best in his office, he may have been worried, but as of this instant, all that was on his mind was seeing his daughter, the only person he had left in his life. Anyone else that was close to him had been lost in the Dalasees War, leaving only him and his daughter. She was too young to remember the war, and thankfully, too young to fight in it. Had she been of age, he might have lost her, as well.

The memories of his loved ones would not die, due to the curiosity of his young daughter. “Where is Mommy?” she would ask, along with many other questions. Each story he told made him remember, in great detail, his wife and the events leading up to her death.

Nearly fifteen years ago, a war had broken out in the Middle Core worlds. As the then-senator of Ambrooke, he was sent on a peace mission, with the hope of stopping the war from spreading. The plan failed, however, as the edges of the Core Worlds began to war amongst themselves. Being the center of galactic government, the Universal Governing Committee was devoted to bringing a peaceful end to the war; however, a month after the peace talks, a group of terrorists took siege of Ambrooke. The terrorists, not allowing any ships to enter or leave the planet under any circumstances, quarantined the planet. The quarantine lasted for five months until the leader of the terrorist group contacted the senator aboard his ship.

“Senator Bernes,” came the hologram image of the terrorist leader. “I have no doubt that you know who I am.” Bernes, in fact, did know who the man was, but he said nothing, and stared at the image of the man in front of him. He wasn’t one to play games with terrorists.

“I am Valador Al-Karadi, leader of the Greater Good. Perhaps you have heard of some of our work?” Al-Karadi and the Greater Good had seized other worlds in the previous years, and had blown building sky-high, killing millions of people across the galaxy. Bernes was scared of what might happen on Ambrooke but he wouldn’t show it. Not yet.

“What do you want from me?” spat Bernes, looking at the hologram image. “I don’t have anything you need.”

The image sneered up at him. “Of course not,” it said. “Everyone knows that Ambrooke has no weapons, at least, not since the end of the Grand Federation War.”

“So why are you there?” asked Bernes, feeling hatred flow through him. “We have no military value.”

The image of Al-Karadi scoffed. “Having no weapons does not mean a world has no military value. Did Bysk not have any military value to the Grand Federation?”

Bysk was once a Universal Governing Committee member until the Grand Federation took control of it. The planet was one of the Fringe Worlds, easily accessible to the Grand Federation as it worked its way across the galaxy. Bysk chose willingly to hold no weapons, but it came as a foolish mistake. Once the Grand Federation took siege of it, troops easily invaded four other planets on the Fringes and in the Middle Core.

“Bysk only fell from power because of its location in the Sector,” stated Bernes. “Ambrooke is much too centralized to meet that same fate.”

“Ambrooke may be the center of everything in this galaxy,” said Al-Karadi menacingly, “but it is just as susceptible to fall as any other world.”

“The Committee would not let it happen, and you know that,” Bernes nearly shouted. He was letting his anger rise to the surface, and realizing it, he pushed it back down. He wasn’t about to show this scoundrel that he could manipulate him.

“It is only a matter of time before Ambrooke and the rest of the systems in your government fall, and the Committee knows that, Senator.”

“This Committee has stood strong for thousands of years, and it will continue to hold power until the Promised One comes,” said Bernes. “When that day arrives, we are promised peace until the end of time.”

Al-Karadi laughed, as if he had just been told a joke. “Your people—-you always speak of a ‘Promised One,’ but why hasn’t he come yet, hmm? Surely you have put faith in the wrong deity.”

“If you’re suggesting, sir, that my faith is misplaced, you are sadly mistaken,” said Bernes. “We have seen all that was promised to us in our Holy Texts come true, and the Promised One will be delivered to us.”

“You believe that there can be peace in the entire galaxy, Senator?” said Al-Karadi in a stern voice. “Or is that just some empty hope that your Committee has created?”

“If it is written, then it is promised,” said Bernes calmly.

“Perhaps your texts have been falsely concocted by ancient thinkers,” Al-Karadi said. “It could all just be a hope passed down from your people to brainwash you, and make you believe in something that is entirely made up.”

Bernes lost his temper, but only slightly. “Maybe it isn’t I who believes falsely, but you who puts faith in a fictitious god,” he said hotly.

“I do not believe in gods, Senator!” Al-Karadi snapped back. “I believe in Guesswork!”

Bernes took a moment to collect himself, breathing in deeply, and letting it out. Finally, he calmed down and spoke. “Why did you contact me? What do you want?”

He saw a smile start to form on Al-Karadi’s face. The hologram image looked into his eyes. “I have a proposition for you. I want you to think hard about what your answer will be after I tell you.”

“I will never—-” Bernes started, but he was cutoff.

“I think you will, because if you don’t lots of people could get hurt.”

Bernes didn’t know what to say to this threat. A madman with a bomb could destroy a city block, but a large group could destroy most of the city with small bombs. He didn’t know what size or how many bombs were in the city or if there were even any at all.

The hologram continued.

“I can remove the quarantine, stop the war, and save millions of lives,” said the image, “or…”

“What? Or what?”

Al-Karadi’s image was no longer on the hologram. Instead, it was replaced with a blonde woman and a small child. Bernes quickly realized who they were—his wife and daughter. His jaw quivered as he looked at the images in front of him. He could see tears in his wife’s eyes. She was scared.

He couldn’t take it anymore. Hatred and anger poured over him.

“That’s my family!” he cried.

“I know,” said the voice of Al-Karadi who was now out of the image.

“What do you want with them?”

“I will let them live and go with you,” said the voice, “but Ambrooke will be destroyed, and the war will go on. Or, they can be destroyed, and the war will stop, and Ambrooke will be saved. Your choice. Think about it carefully.”

Bernes looked at his sobbing wife. He could see the fear in her eyes as she looked at him.

“Let me speak to her.”

A hand removed the binding from her mouth.

“Trey!” she shrieked, sobbing louder. “Don’t let them kill her!” She clutched her daughter tighter.

“Think about it, Senator. Their lives, or millions.”

His wife turned away.

“Please don’t kill my daughter! She hasn’t done anything wrong! Take me! I’ll go in her place!”

Al-Karadi spoke again.

“She loves her daughter, doesn’t she, Senator? Perhaps I will let one of them go.”

Bernes couldn’t believe it. He was being forced between saving either his wife or daughter, and killing millions of innocent people, or letting one die to save everyone. The choice should have been simple, but it wasn’t.

“What will it be, Senator? I really am a nice guy; I do not want to kill an innocent little girl. Perhaps, then, I can save her and use her as a slave—”

“No!” shouted Bernes.

“You have reached a decision, then?” said Al-Karadi in his cold voice.

Bernes looked at his wife, who nodded slowly, still sobbing. She mouthed the words “it’s okay.” He inhaled deeply.

“Let her go.”

Two hands grabbed the girl away from her mother, and Al-Karadi reappeared in front of him.

“You have made a wise choice, Senator,” he said. “You sacrificed what you love to save millions of people who will never know about this exchange. Your daughter, however, will always question your decision, and grow up without a mother, and she will blame you.”

Bernes was almost in tears.

“Just tell me where I can meet my daughter.”

Valador Al-Karadi gave directions to the location where he could pick up his daughter, and then the hologram image disappeared.

True to his word, Al-Karadi had managed to end the war, but having taken personal loss, Bernes didn’t fell like anything had been won. He would often break down when he looked at the memory banks of his wife, and when his daughter asked questions. He did his best to move on, even though many years later, his daughter reminded him in every way of his wife.



* * *
The ship was now only moments from entering the atmosphere and touching down upon the landing platform. The city world of Ambrooke stretched far into the horizon, with each of its tall buildings shimmering in the golden sunlight. Bernes never felt so happy to be home. He couldn’t wait to se the look of joy on his daughter’s face. He ran over and over in his mind what he was going to say to her. He felt a joy and nervousness that he had never felt in all his forty-three years. This, he deduced, couldn’t be only from seeing his daughter again. There had to be something more to his feelings, though, he couldn’t place his fingers on it. Whatever it was, it would have to be pushed aside. All he wanted to think about was his daughter.

The Descluvius IV landed firmly on platform 76, perched high atop the three kilometer high Interplanetary Control Building. The doors slid apart, and the ramp connected with the steel roof. Prime Minister Bernes disembarked from the Descluvius IV, blinking in the sunlight. He glanced around the rooftop, but to his dismay, he couldn’t find any sign of his daughter.

A short, balding man approached the landing platform, smiling broadly. He had twinkling eyes, and what was left of his hair was a deep brown. He had his hand stretched in front of him.

“Prime Minister Bernes,” he said happily, “it’s good to have you home safely.”

Bernes smiled politely and shook the man’s hand.

“It’s good to be back, Governor,” he said. “What’s happened since I’ve been gone?”

“Would you be surprised if I said ‘nothing at all’?” replied the Governor.

Bernes laughed.

“Of course I would be,” he said. “When was the last time we had nothing to do?”

“Now that you mention it,” the Governor responded, “I don’t remember a time like that.”

“Well, no one said a government job was easy,” Bernes commented. “Especially when you’re running an entire galaxy.” It was true, in fact, that government jobs were no walk in the park. Unless preventing war, organizing trading routes, and managing entire star systems was easy; it was a very stressful job. Since different species spoke many different languages, an interpreter was needed, and in most cases, finding one that could speak clear Standard Galactic wasn’t easy, especially the further one got from the Core Worlds.

As the governor spoke to Bernes about all that had happened in the five months that he had been away, Bernes looked around for his daughter. Where was she? How come she wasn’t there to meet him? Had she misunderstood the time that he would be landing? Could she be in trouble? He didn’t want to think of that. He couldn’t stand to think of losing his daughter. She was all that he had left.

He realized that he had not been paying attention to the governor’s story. He had let his mind drift and wander, as it had been for many weeks. He had good reason to be out of it, though: in a few days, the date would mark the fifteenth anniversary of his wife’s death. Every year around this time, he took a week off from his duties to reflect with his daughter. This year was different, as he hadn’t received time off.

When he returned to reality, he had to interrupt.

“Excuse me, I’m sorry, Governor,” he said. “Have you seen—?”

“Daddy!” cried a voice from behind him. He turned around.

“Lauren!”

She ran over to him, and he embraced her tightly.

“I’ve missed you,” he said in her ear.

“I’ve missed you, too,” she said. He let go of her. “How was your trip?”

“It was nice, but I’d rather have spent time with you.” He bent down to whisper in her ear, “Crijak is a beautiful place, but the people are boring.”

Lauren giggled.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t go with you,” she said.

“No, darling. The Academy needs you. By the end of the summer, you’ll be the best pilot this side of the Hoover Belt.”

She smiled.

“Thanks, Dad,” she said. “I’m sorry I couldn’t meet you off the ship. The Academy ran late, and I—.”

“Don’t worry, sweetie,” he said smiling. “You’re a young woman. I trust you.”

Her smile broadened. Her golden hair glistened in the sun, her light blue eyes sparkling brightly.

“You remind me so much of your mother,” Bernes said to her. “She was so beautiful. She could light up a room just by flashing a smile. She would be so proud of you. She was the best pilot the Academy had ever seen. She could even out-fly the boys. I wish she could be here to see you.”

A single tear welled up in Lauren’s eye, but the smile never left her face.

“She is here, Daddy. She is in our hearts.”

They hugged, and after a moment, Lauren said, “We’d better get home. I’m cooking your favorite meal.”

“Laundry snake?” Bernes asked with a tone of humor in his voice.

Lauren giggled.

“No, Dad, not ‘laundry snake’. It’s ‘Flaunder steak’.”

Bernes remembered when Lauren was five, and had mistakenly called flaunder steak a laundry snake. They had laughed about it for the rest of the day, and now every time they had the meal, they would reference back to that day. It was another moment that he wished he could share with his wife. He knew, however, that wherever she was in the afterlife, she was there watching and laughing with them.

-------------

I hope beyond all hopes that this catches your interests. I would love to post more chapters, upon request. I won't do it all at once in case this doesn't get any comments. However, if you would like more, just ask and I'll gladly post the next one.

Best Regards,

Matt
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Old 06-19-2008, 06:09 AM   #2
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Sorry, but it did not draw me in. It began with introspection, then went straight to back story. Neither did I believe the "sacrifice." What was al Karadi's motivation to kill Bernes's family? I also question why you gave the terrorist a Muslim name. Just an easy way to suggest evil? You might want to reconsider.

At the end, I still don't know what the plot is going to be, only what the past lives of the characters was like. You need to get to the story right away if you're going to "hook" the reader.

Hope that helps,

JohnB
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Old 06-19-2008, 03:04 PM   #3
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Thanks for the input. This is only the beginning; you aren't really supposed to know much more than this at the time. My idea when writing was/is to expect the reader to already know about the world, so therefore I wouldn't explain everything in black and white. Kind of like in Star Wars 4, they tell the back story, but you never really see what's going on, you just sort of have a good idea. I don't believe that as a writer, you ALWAYS need to explain every idea. Read the book "Counting Heads" by David Marusek. He does this very well, except he never tells you anything to explain what a "mentar" is, he just does a good job of telling the story.

As for the "sacrifice", that would all be revealed later. The book is already 12 chapters long and only half way through the first part; I am planning for a trilogy, if time allows. All the loose ends would be tied up in future chapters. See the previous paragraph .

I didn't really "choose" a Muslim name, it just sort of slipped onto the paper. If I have trouble coming up with alien (irony, by "alien", I mean "foreign", not actually aliens, though it does fit here ), names or places, I'll type one letter at a time at random, doing my best to stick with vowel-consonant rules, and see what comes out. I could most definitely change it, and more than likely will. After all, this is just a "first" draft.

I'll gladly take your thoughts into account in hopes of finding a way to merge my ideas and your opinions together to make a stronger introduction. I very much appreciate your time.

I do have more to post, so I can do that if anyone would like me to.

Best Regards,
Matt
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Old 06-19-2008, 03:08 PM   #4
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If you want to see REALLY bad writing, I can show you chapters 11 and 12. You'll never want to read my stuff again .
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