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Old 05-26-2008, 07:19 AM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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ajdawson is on a distinguished road
Post AJ's book gray Time's

Chapter 1 page 1

LIFE AS WE KNOW IT

Jess was half way through maths when an announcement came through on the PA “ Jess Gray can you come to the front office please” “ okay Jess you can leave your work and to the office said” miss shipway. “Yea, I’m Jess Gray what’s wrong? “Oh nothing “ said the secretary at the desk . You just have a phone call that’s all. Sorry if you…”the secretary went to say. “Where’s the phone” asked Jess, “ oh yes. sorry in the conference room” replied the secretary” “ thank you” said Jess with a smug look on her face.

“Hello Jess Gray here” “ Hi Jess. It’s dad here, just calling to say I won’t be home for tea, so eat without me.” “ Yep, okay then Jess said disappointed” “ I should see you in the morning” said Erick “ okay I’ll see you then” said Jess.

“ Hi Jess what are you doing here?” Jess turned around to see Hayley with a smile standing next to the secretary’s desk. I just had a phone call that’s all” said Jess with a smug look on her face “ Yeah? would you like to come over and hang out maybe have some tea with mum and me?” asked Hayley , No thanks I might stay home for tea tonight but thanks anyway.” said Jess

Come on Jess, it’s Friday night. Let’s go out and have fun! What do you say? suggested Hayley “ I said no okay! God, why are all you people feeling sorry for me? Jess is feeling mixed emotions of anger, sadness, lonesome and can’t take the sympathetic look’s she gets from people. So what if my mom died 4 years a go, and so what if my dad is never home? I don’t need him, I don’t need anyone!!!” said Jess in a fit of anger

“ I was just asking that’s all,” said Hayley with a shocked, sad face. “ Well, you know what Hayley? I don’t want your pity or anyone else’s for that matter. Just because my mom has gone, you think my dad will go too? Well go to hell all of you!

But Jess, we all care about you. You’re different and I think you need help. I also think you should see someone,” Hayley said looking worried

Jess knew what she was saying to Hayley was not true, but Jess was upset and angry and she wanted people to know how she felt. All through Jess’ life, she had been invisible. No one listened to her.

Even as a young child Jess was how should I say different from the other little girl’s. she is what you call a gifted child, yes that’s right she has powers. Handed down from every generation with theirs powers Jess can read people, look in the passed and future of both hers and other people’s.
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Old 05-26-2008, 04:26 PM   #2
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Inky is on a distinguished road
Each quote from a new person should be in a new paragraph, on most occassions. A lapse in time or a new scene would constitute a new paragraph as well. The story flow is much too quick, try to even the tempo with a few descriptions or thoughts from the character. The last paragraph has an example of narrative description, but this information would be better shown than told.
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