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Critique and Advice Works seeking critique, advice or assistance.

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Old 05-23-2008, 04:21 AM   #1
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Singularis is on a distinguished road
Very short story, tell me what you think

This was done in a writing society (University society) induction meeting; I did not return, but I did do this story there. It is new to me, check it out



The troposphere was now cladded in a slate white cloud. The sky loomed as if attempting to retain a hidden force within pushing its way out. It would be in vane.
Several minutes later she looked up at the snowy sky. All around her the grass blades stood still as if hiding from the frosty predator about to strike from the sky. Maybe if they stood still they would not rouse the tempests fury?

Then the flakes began to glide gracefully to their respective graves, already provided by the uneven soil in which small canyons lay.

Slowly she looked around at her surroundings and steadily more icy patterns fell. A deep sense of anticipation and excitement warmed her soul in the cold.

She wondered, would it settle?

Ahead of her a bird darted towards it's woody home expertly dodging the falling snow. Then her eyes met on a window; its windows were frosted over, the water inside them frozen, obscuring her view slightly.

She moved over to the hedge and drew herself closer to the window and peered in curiously. The first thing she saw was a mantelpiece with pictures on; pictures of her.

A warm fire glowed beneath casting a soft glow about the rest of the room. The cast shadows highlighted the stockings pinned above. A tabby cat curled up in front of the fire looked nothing more than a still silhouette, occasionally fletching it's weapons lazily along the floor. To the right of her limited perspective she saw a portion of a decorated tree.

A tall man then appeared to the left of the fire. He was dressed in a mock tartan dressing gown and dark slippers...he seemed forlorn and succumbed to the arm chair in front of the fire.

It was her father

A smaller woman then approached from the same space her father had done moments before and kneeled on the floor next to the man, it was her mother, as she stretched to stroke the tabby cat she rested her head dejectedly on her husband’s knee. He offered a paternal right hand to comfort her.
The snow was heavy now, but the girl wanted to be inside in the warm with her parents...

But what was wrong with them? Why were their faces long and drawn as if years had been etched in the skin by a careless sculptor, yet to finish his masterpiece; why did they succumb to their current positions with no reluctance or grace? And most pressing of all, why were they spending time together in this most homely scene without their only daughter?

Then her parents both looked directly at her, they would see her and they would smile, and her mother would rush out to come and get her little girl, to save her from the icy maiden above them all...but instead they looked at her and their faces were sorrowful...a tear was clinging to her mothers right, light blue eye.

Maybe the windows were steamed up....it was warm in there and cold out here. Yes that was it. They would notice her though when she came into the room shivering…then she realized she was not shivering at all....even in this cold air she felt how she always did when she slept, warm; but she was awake?

A chill wind began to pick up.

The girl pulled herself from the window and attempted to approach the front of the house, however she began to feel as if she could not move. The wind picked up with a new vengeance and enthusiasm and almost blew her back to where she came from...the woods was it?
She resisted and tried to move forward, but the wind renewed its assault with new vigor.

Then she remembered…she could never come back.

And to the forest it carried her.
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Old 05-24-2008, 11:46 AM   #2
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The troposphere was now cladded in a slate white cloud. The sky loomed as if attempting to retain a hidden force within pushing its way out. (not a big fan of this sentence. Sky loomed? Looking up it's so big, how can it get bigger? It feels like a literary push to get the story started. Maybe 'the sky buldged'?) It would be in vane(vain?).
Several minutes later she looked up at the snowy sky. All around her the grass blades stood still(again the image fails. How about 'the grass blades held still like a newborn fawn, hoping to be missed by the predator) as if hiding from the frosty predator about to strike from the sky. Maybe if they stood still they would not rouse the tempests fury(could delete this sentence and again 'd say this is an attempt to start the story with a bunch of literesy words but all it does is slow it down. Literary is fine but if you turn off the reader then who's going to read it. I heard from several agents and publishers that you should cut the first 50 pages of your novel, the first 50 words of your opening chapter. It's there that we warm up our writing and we are mainly writing for ourselves see how fancy we can be. I know I am guilty of that sin.)?

Then the flakes began to glide gracefully to their respective graves, already provided by the uneven soil in which small canyons lay.

Slowly she looked around at her surroundings and steadily more icy patterns(by icy patterns, you mean flakes. I don't like it) fell. A deep sense of anticipation and excitement warmed her soul in the cold.

She wondered, would it settle?

Ahead of her a bird darted towards it's woody home expertly dodging the falling snow. Then her eyes met (they came together? Wow! Maybe use 'settled' 'stopped')on a window; its windows (the window windows?)were frosted over, the water inside them frozen, obscuring her view slightly.

She moved over to the hedge and drew herself closer to the window and peered in curiously(delete curiously. "She moved toward the window slowly, head cocked to the side, brow furrowed. Cupping her hands to shade the glare from behind her, she looked inside). The first thing she saw was a mantelpiece with pictures on(sitting on it); pictures of her.

A warm fire glowed beneath (comma)casting a soft glow about the rest of the room. The cast (delete cast)shadows highlighted the stockings pinned above. A tabby cat curled up in front of the fire looked nothing more than a still silhouette, occasionally fletching it's weapons lazily along the floor. To the right of her limited perspective she saw a portion of a decorated tree.(all too Hallmark. Use more description to get people to believe you are not there looking at a sappy christmas card.)

A tall man then appeared to the left of the fire. He was dressed in a mock tartan dressing gown and dark slippers...he seemed forlorn(you can show this..head down, hand massaging his furrowed forehead, shoulders slumped.) and succumbed to the arm chair in front of the fire.

It was her father

A smaller woman (gee, could it be her mother? If she is looking inside her own house, why the mystery? Wouldn't she know the cat, perhaps even have a name for it? Why would she look through the window with curiosity if it's her house?)then approached from the same space her father had done(come from) moments before and kneeled on the floor next to the man, it was her mother(surprise!), as she stretched to stroke the tabby cat she rested her head dejectedly(how would you know this from resting it with love, boredom, or trepidation?)on her husband’s knee. He offered a paternal right hand to comfort her.
The snow was heavy now, but the girl wanted to be inside in the warm with her parents...(this sentence is not right. What does the heavy snow have to do with her wanting to be inside. To have a 'but' there needs to be confilct of like kind)

But what was wrong with them? Why were their faces long and drawn as if years had been etched in the skin by a careless sculptor, yet to finish his masterpiece; why did they succumb to their current positions with no reluctance or grace? And most pressing of all, why were they spending time together in this most homely scene without their only daughter?(could it be because the daughter is actually dead and now her ghost peers through the window?)

Then her parents both looked directly at her, they would see her and they would smile, and her mother would rush out to come and get her little girl, to save her from the icy maiden above them all...but instead they looked at her and their faces were sorrowful...a tear was clinging to her mothers right, light blue eye.

Maybe the windows were steamed up....it was warm in there and cold out here. Yes that was it. They would notice her though when she came into the room shivering…then she realized she was not shivering at all....even in this cold air she felt how she always did when she slept, warm; but she was awake?

A chill wind began to pick up.

The girl pulled herself from the window and attempted to approach the front of the house, however she began to feel as if she could not move. The wind picked up with a new vengeance and enthusiasm and almost blew her back to where she came from...the woods was it?
She resisted and tried to move forward, but the wind renewed its assault with new vigor.

Then she remembered…she could never come back.

And to the forest it carried her.

Okay, so my comments seem a bit harsh. I just don't want to sugarcoat them because then you won't believe that I believe in them. Not to feel too bad though because it shows some good writing skills that can be easily improved through continued writing and reading of good authors. The Shipping News by Anne Proulx is filled with literary images and a story, if someone told me in advance I what it was about I would never had read it, that captures immediately. It's like an unfunny Sienfield, about nothing but I loved it. Read it or at least a bit and see how she sets scenes and works characters. Others here will also give advice and remember, this is only my opinion and I am the only one who thinks highly of it. Even if you need to PM some of the people here, try to get at least 3 reviews before you take anything to heart.
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Old 05-24-2008, 03:21 PM   #3
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Hah okay, thanks for the critique; I was only really looking for the effect that it has on people, it is not meant to be perfected, I just wanted to know if it conveyed its point at all well.

Thanks again though.

PS I wrote this in about 30 minutes, thus the occasional SPAG ^^ and it wrote itself, I did not have a plan until near the end
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