Nataanii

Ok, so this is half of the first chapter of my story....I am three pages away from ending the first chapter and I know I have alot of grammar and punctual changes to make, but I just wanted to show you all the first chapter. So what do you think?

Chapter One





Isabella Daniels sat in the living room of her home in shock and sadness at what had occurred just hours ago in her life. Her fiancée of two years had not only severed his engagement to her but also his relationship with her. Tears filled her eyes as she stared at the framed photo of them together. She quickly wiped her tears away and walked to her front door where she heard knocking. She was relieved when she saw her best friends Sherri and Robert standing in front of her.
“Hey sweetie, we heard the news.” Robert said in a sympathetic tone.
Isabella’s eyes dropped to the floor as tears clouded them immediately. She broke into more silent tears and slowly walked over to the sofa and rested her head in her hands and cried. Francis and Robert walked over to her and sat down beside her.
“I—I don’t understand,” Isabella said through tears. “I’m a great woman, I’m attractive, great sense of humor, I own my own business, why do I keep getting the wrong ones?”
Robert sighed hard.
“Maybe you’re trying too hard kid,” Robert said. “You’re only twenty-eight, live a little first.”
“You know what I think you need?” Sherri said with a smile. “You need a vacation, free your mind with some fun.”
Isabella laughed as she wiped her tears away.
“Where the hell am I going to go?” Isabella asked with a faint smile.
“C’mon, let’s go to Paris.” Sherri said with a laugh.
Isabella gasped loudly.
“Paris? Please, I went there already two years ago.” Isabella said with a laugh.
“Yeah and remember how much you loved it last time?” Sherri asked.
“C’mon sweetie, we’ll make a whole month out of it,” Robert said. “I have already two made films stored, so I can take a vacation for a while. What do you say huh, vacation in Paris?”
Isabella smiled, sighed and laughed silently.
“Alright, Paris it is.” Isabella said with a smile and a loud laugh that was shared by Sherri and Robert as well.


APRIL 17th, 1903



William “Bill” Matthews walked into his large, white plantation house and into his well furnished office with his forehead gleaming with perspiration. His father, Michael was sitting behind Bill’s office desk, sipping a glass of cold ice tea, relaxed.
“My god father, it’s steaming out.” Bill said in a low voice.
Michael looked up and smiled briefly.
“That’s why you should let your workers handle the labor son.” Michael said.
Bill sat down in one of the plush chairs in the office and sighed.
“Yes, I know father,” Bill said, “but I feel the workers are becoming slow with their work ethic. It takes them hours sometimes to do just one job.”
“Fire them son,” Michael said. “Hire new people.”
“Yes father, maybe I will.” Bill said. “They’re becoming useless to me now.”
Bill looked at his father with frustration. Bill felt the urge to speak what was rimming the walls of his mind.
“Father—I’m, I’m so bored here.” Bill said. “I long for a life of fun, do you understand my meaning?”
Michael looked at Bill with confused eyes.
“Why whatever do you mean son?” Michael asked.
Bill sighed and dropped his eyes to the floor while biting down on his lower lip gently.
“I want—to see the world more. “Bill said. “I want adventure, fun, romance—especially romance. I long for the day I can find the love I read about in those rubbish books of mine.”
Michael laughed silently and sat back in his chair.
“You’ve got all the adventure you can stand here boy, in Paris.” Michael said with a smile. “Besides a rich man like you, you don’t have time for—romance. Bill, we own every bank in Virginia. You are the richest man underneath me in Virginia, who needs romance?”
Bill looked at his father with pleading eyes. Bill knew his father could never understand the full meaning behind his logic.
“Father, people always see me as the rich William Matthews, I don’t want that anymore. I want a—free life. I want to have a life like the ones I read about with Tristan and Isolt or Persephone and Hades.”
Michael sat up and stared at Bill directly in his eyes.
“Son, there’s something you must understand,” Michael said. “You are my son—MY son, and as my son there are just some things you can’t do. I just can’t allow it to happen. You must tread and follow in my footsteps in order to achieve success.”
Bill laughed silently.
“Father, please, “Bill said with a smile. “I’m not a child anymore. I’m far from it; I’m thirty-nine years old. I—”
“I don’t care son,” Michael said sternly. “If I die, you will take over all of my riches, now that is why you must obey my wishes. Do you want to be a poor penniless man with nothing to your name because you disobeyed me?”
Bill looked at Michael with disappointed eyes that quickly dropped down to the floor.
“No father, I don’t.” Bill said in a low voice.
“You know what happened to your sister Rebecca when she disobeyed me and now she’s poor and begging people for a place to lay her head at night. She has nothing because of her disobedience to me. Please don’t follow in her footsteps. Do you understand?”
Bill swallowed hard.
“Yes father, I do.” Bill said in a low voice filled with disappointment.
Michael got up and patted Bill on the shoulder with a smile.
“Great son,” Michael said. “I’m glad you do.”

Nataanii

part two of first chapter:


April 17th, 2008





Isabella looked out the airplane window endlessly waiting for the plane to land. Numerous thoughts were rambling through her mind as she stared at the sky blue clouds. She kept replaying her fiancée’s words in her mind. The words that broke her heart into. Isabella was sure that she would never love again after being hurt by the man who was once her fiancée. How could she ever trust her heart to love again? How could she ever again feel that passion, that warmth that she felt years ago? Isabella felt that because of her heartbreak, she might never believe in love again. She looked over at Sherri and Robert and smiled when she heard over the airplane intercom that their plane was one minute from landing. As Isabella gathered her belongings and stepped off the plane, she could feel the heat from the weather immediately.
“So, what’s the first thing you’re going to do when you get to the hotel?” Sherri asked as she, Rob and Isabella were walking to a nearby taxi from the airport terminal.
Isabella shrugged silently.
“I don’t know,” Isabella said in a low voice. “I’m probably going to sleep. I need to be alone tonight.”
Robert laughed.
“What? Nah uh,” Robert said with a smile. “We are going out partying tonight. C’mon, this is Paris.”
Sherri laughed silently.
“No, look I just need to be alone ok? Please?” Isabella said with a depressed sigh.
Sherri looked at Isabella observantly; she knew not to press Isabella any further. Sherry knew Isabella was emotionally wounded, the pain was written all over her face.





April 17th, 1903




It was past midnight, and Bill was sitting at his big, bay window in his room looking out at the starry night sky endlessly. It bothered him that he was a grown man still living in a home with his father. He had always been afraid to leave his father’s side; one of the reasons was because apart of Bill was still needy of his father, the other reason being because he was fearful of the repercussions of his actions and the penalties he’s face from his father if he told his father he wanted to leave. Michael was the kind of man that refused to let his children be independent. However, Bill hoped his luck would change. He hoped that one day his hopes and dreams wouldn’t be so far from reality. Bill was waiting to be rescued from the enslaved life that he had been living for so long.






April 17th, 2008



Despite it being past one in the morning, Robert and Sherri had persuaded Isabella to stay up with them and hang out in their hotel room for a little while. Isabelle knew she really couldn’t say no, after all, her friends were the only reason she decided to vacation in Paris. So there Isabella sat on the floor with candles lit all around the three of them, forming a circle. Isabella had no idea of what the candles were for. In her mind, the place looked like a darkened crypt with the lights off. Robert dropped down to the floor with a smile.
“Ok, guess what I got people?” Robert said with a smile.
“Some beer?” Sherri asked with a laugh.
Robert smiled briefly.
“No, I picked up some—supplies from the Clover Leaf store two days ago.” Robert said.
“Wait, that’s that witchcraft store.” Isabella said.
Robert shrugged silently and shook his head.
“Well, yeah, kind of,” Robert said, “but the point is I brought some supplies just for tonight. Did you know that this very hotel was built on the land of some old plantation that used to be here in the 1900’s? They say some of the rooms are still haunted by the people who used to live on the plantation. So tonight, we’re going to commune with the spirits.”
“Oh no, I’m not doing it.” Isabella said sternly.
“Oh, come on Bella, why not?” Sherri asked.
“Well, what if something happens?” Isabella asked in a concerned tone. “I think its some things you just don’t go messing with.”
“Please, Isabella, if there’s anyone who knows about spooky shit, it’s me.” Robert said with a laugh.
“Yeah, c’mon Bella, take a chance for once.” Sherri said.
Isabella looked at her friends with confused eyes. She hated when they put the pressure on her. Isabella had a feeling about what Robert was about to do and most of the time, her feelings were always right.
“Fine, ok,” Isabella said. “Only for one hour though, after that I’m going to bed.”
Robert nodded.
“Ok, ok, that’s how long it takes anyway.” Robert said.
Robert took a big, brown bag out of his jean jacket pocket and reached inside. He started sprinkling white powder on the floor in the shape of a pentagram.
“Goddess of the sun,” Robert said in almost a low voice while sprinkling the powder, “send to us the spirits that invoke this area. Bring them to us and let us commune, let us commune like the stars and the moon, let us commune like the stars and the moon. So mote it be.”
Robert closed his eyes and was silent for several moments. Isabella looked at him like he may have been nuts. Did he actually think someone could believe that? She sure didn’t, she was a grown woman playing teenage games. Was this what her life had succumbed to? Isabella gritted her teeth and laughed silently. Robert opened his eyes and looked all around him.
“Did anything happen?” Robert asked.
Sherri looked at Robert and laughed.
“No baby, I don’t think you did it right.” Sherri said with a smile.
“Aww, no yes I did.” Robert said with a laugh. “Aww, forget it, I need a beer.”
Sherri laughed and got up off the floor with Robert.
“I’m going to bed guys.” Isabella said as she got up and walked over to the door.
Sherri looked at Isabella and walked over to her and hugged her.
“Goodnight hun,” Sherri said with a smile.
“Try to feel better tomorrow sweetie huh?” Robert said to Isabella as he opened up a can of beer and began guzzling.
Isabella nodded in silence. She could feel her tears of unhappiness building up inside her, but she refused to let her friends see her cry again. Isabella hugged Sherri once more before leaving the room. As Isabella walked to her room, she broke into silent tears. She knew no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t be the fulfilled person she was before her breakup with her fiancée. She felt unwanted now and used, more so she felt like damaged goods. As she walked into her hotel room, she dropped down on her bed and cried herself to sleep hoping to dream of a life of better joy and pleasure for herself, a life filled with love and happiness rather than one of hurt and despair.

Nataanii

part three of chapter one:






April 18th, 1903




Isabella felt a swift breeze brush the side of her face. She slowly opened her eyes and yawned. When she took view of what was in her view, she gasped loudly, she sat up and looked all around her wildly. She had no real idea of where she was or how she arrived there. She was lying in what looked to be the middle of the woods on a bright, warm, sunny day. She looked in front of her and saw a beautiful lake that glistened just right under the sun and brightness of the day. She saw her friends Sherri and Robert lying on the floor beside her asleep. She quickly jumped up and shook both Rob and Sherri.
“OH my God! Wake up!” Isabella yelled. “Wake up dammit!”
Robert woke up quickly and looked annoyed.
“What? What the hell do you want?” Robert asked in a low voice.
“Where are we?!” Isabella asked with panic in her voice. “Where is the room we were in?!”
Robert looked all around him and jumped to his feet.
“What the hell,” Robert said slowly.
Sherri awakened and stood next to Robert quickly.
“Baby, you dragged us outside?” Sherri asked as she rubbed her eyes slowly.
“No, I—don’t know how—we got here.” Robert said while still looking around him.
“See, that’s why I knew that damn—communion thing was trouble!” Isabella yelled. “I know what’s going on now has something to do with that!”
“Wait, just calm down Isabella.” Robert said in a much stronger voice now.
Behind her, Isabella heard footsteps though the woods. She turned around swiftly and faced the woods. She saw a man walking quickly through the woods towards them.
“Who’s that?” Isabella asked in a low voice as she backed up towards Robert.
“I don’t know,” Robert said with his eyes looking towards the woods. “Hey, who are you?!”
The man in the woods stopped in his tracks and stared at Isabelle, Robert and Sherri observantly. He walked quickly towards them with his eyes glued on them. Sherri looked at him and laughed, mainly because of his clothing attire. He was wearing black pants with a white shirt on a medium sized tie with a long, black overcoat on and long, black boots. In Sherri’s mind, he looked like someone straight off the television show Deadwood. He was tall and slender with shiny, black hair that fell just right into his Texas blue, shimmering eyes. He was incredibly handsome with a bright, smooth face and full lips with looks that Sherri was sure would make any woman stand at attention. The man stopped when he stood just feet from Robert, Sherri and Isabella.
“Who are you?” The man asked in a deep but raspy voice. ‘What are you doing on my property?”
“Um, your property?” Isabella asked.
“Is this not the hotel?” Robert asked with a laugh. “What do you work here?”
“No, I live here,” the man said, “and I know not of any hotel that you’re referring to. You are on my property. Give me one reason why I shouldn’t shoot you for trespassing.”
Robert scoffed lightly and laughed.
“Look, buddy, take it easy.” Robert said. “We were sleeping in a hotel last night and we woke up this morning and we’re here—in the middle of nowhere. We’re not trying to uh—trespass ok?”
The man looked at Robert confused.
“Sir, there ARE not any hotels around here,” the man said sharply. “More so, what is a hotel?”
“What’s a hotel?” Robert asked with a laugh. “Look, we’re leaving, c’mon guys.”
“Wait,” Isabella said while staring at the man. “Who are you?”
“My name is William Matthews,” the man said. “Who are you and why are you dressed—like that? Those clothes are absurd. Are you from Gettysburg?”
“What? No this is Los Angeles buddy.” Robert said with a laugh.
“No—this is Virginia—sir.” William said coldly.
“What?! Rob, see, I knew I shouldn’t have went on vacation with you!” Sherri yelled. “You got us all out here in boring Virginia?!”
Robert laughed loudly.
“Oh please baby, this guy is joking.” Robert said with a smile. “Besides, it’s 2008 and you’re still with me.”
“Wait, excuse me?” William said. “It’s not 2008—it’s 1903, what’s the matter with you people?”
“It’s what year?” Isabella asked with wide surprising eyes.
“It’s 1903,” William said, “April 18th, 1903 why?”
Isabella looked at Robert with shock.
“OH my God,” Isabella said in almost a low voice. “Rob, I think you’re spell worked.”
“Excuse me, I do not understand your meaning.” William said.
“Wait a sec Will,” Robert said. “What do you mean my spell worked?”
“Remember we did that communion spell last night?” Isabella asked. “Well the—spirits did more than just let us commune with the spirits, it sent us back in time to 1903!”
Robert looked at Sherri with relief when he saw her smile on her face.
“Holy mother of God,” Robert said with a smile.
“Great, now how are we going to get back?!” Isabella yelled. “I bet we’re stuck here!”
“Relax, I stuck my brown bag of magic back in my pocket last night.” Robert said. “We can go back whenever we want.”
“I’m sorry can you please leave my property?” William asked.
“Wait, William,” Robert said. “We don’t have any place to stay. Can we crash at your—house?”
“Crash—at my place?” William asked. “Look, I don’t have any understanding of your words, but I’m asking you to dismiss from my property now.”
“He means can we stay at your place—please?” Isabella asked. “We’ll pay you.”
William looked at Isabella closely. She was beautiful, tall and slender with her long, black hair that flowed down her back, her bright hazel eyes and smooth brown skin. The red polka dot mini dress she was wearing complimented her hourglass figure extravagantly and William definitely took notice of her pretty, brown silky legs. William didn’t care about the fact that she was African American; in his eyes she was still beautiful and youthful in looks. William smiled faintly.
“Well, alright,” William said with his eyes still on Isabella. “Follow me, um I can make a place for you in our barn.”
As Isabella walked a few feet from behind William, she could smell the pleasant scent of his cologne. As they approached William’s house, they looked in admiration at it’s true beauty. The house was white and stretched for five long feet. The grass was green and smelled like fresh rain.
“Um, how come we can’t stay in the house?” Robert asked.
William turned and looked at Robert in silence.
“Well because, only guests stay in the house.” William said sharply. “I don’t know any of you.”
“Well, these are my friends Rob, and Sherri,” Isabella said, “and I’m Isabella.”
William looked at Isabella as if he were searching through her soul.
“Isabella, what an exquisite name.” William said with a brief smile. “Well, I’m going back out to do some labor. Dinner is at six, you may come inside the house then. Good day.”
“Wait, don’t we get breakfast?” Sherri asked.
William sighed and rolled his eyes.
“You missed breakfast this morning.” William said. ‘You’ll just have to wait until dinner.”
“Yeah, but we haven’t eaten since yesterday and we’re hungry,” Isabella said.
William looked at Isabella with a small amount of pity but a large amount of attraction for her. He scoffed lightly.
“Yes, well—alright,” William said in a low voice. “Ill bring you some food, but breakfast is served here at eight a.m. promptly. You will do well not to forget that.”

WriterJohnB

I'm totally lost. Isabella and friends land in Paris and go to a plantation house. (They have plantations in Paris?) Bill is in already in Paris, according to his father's words - “You’ve got all the adventure you can stand here boy, in Paris.” Isabella and friends fall asleep in Paris, awaken somewhere else. Robert says, “What? No this is Los Angeles buddy.” Why would he assume he's in Los Angeles when he fell asleep in Paris? And Bill's here in Virginia, when he was in Paris, according to his father. Does Bill live in Paris, Virginia, maybe?

Another problem. A man in 1903 - the second richest man in Virginia, no less - doesn't know what a hotel is? Better check to see how long hotels have been around. Look at this sentence. There are no hotels around here; what are hotels?" How the hell does he know they're not around if he doesn't know what they are?

The house was white and stretched for FIVE feet!?

William turned and looked at Robert in silence.
“Well because, only guests stay in the house.” William said sharply. How can he be silent when he's talking?

Also, the dialogue was actually annoying at times. "I'm here, father," Bill said. "I see you, son," Michael said. "I've been thinking, father," Bill said. "About what, son?" Michael said. "About life, father," Bill said. "I don't understand, son," Michael said. -- When two people are talking, they don't identify the other in every sentence.

This needs a lot of work, especially the location problem. I'm sorry to have to say that I would not continue reading this, if I weren't critiquing.

JohnB

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astralis

I think the story is working fine. The beginning seems to be complete exposition. It doesn't get interesting until they begin communing with spirits. I would consider starting there. Consider layering your exposition throughout your story. This helps to create suspense as the reader tries to figure out what is happening and how your story's world operates. As a writer, you can keep the reader's interest by withholding information, not giving it. Therefore, don't include what the reader can figure out, that's one of the joys in reading. Reveal only what your reader absolutely needs and wants to know. Have confidence in your reader.

I think I could sum up this chapter as lacking deep subtext. The reason is lacks subtext is because you explain everything without letting the reader figure it out. This is most evident in your dialogue that is full of "on the nose" patterns. On the nose dialogue is speech that tells about your character's world rather than natural scenes with natural dialogue that dramatizes exposition. Your characters already know their world. It's unnatural for them to explain everything.

Do you have to reveal it's not 2008? The reader can slowly deduce it.
Do you have to say the spell worked? The reader can figure it out.
Do you have to reveal immediately that Isabella lost her boyfriend? The reader can slowly discover that she's on this trip with her friends as an escape from her pain. The reader will watch Isabella's behavior and ask "why is she behaving this way?" and it will eventually become apparent and they will come into understanding.

One example from your dialogue:
It's obvious that the spell worked and they've gone back in time so you're already telling the readers what they've already deduced (or will eventually deduce if the characters haven't figured it out yet). You're cheating your story of drama. If everything has gone back in time, then things are going to change. If they don't know it and they're eating dinner with the property owner and someone's cell phone beeps, imagine what the property owner is going to think. Build this type of exposition into your story and create drama instead of telling us everything.

Consider reconfiguring the entire chapter and how it's structured and what happens to convert exposition into drama.

Also, it seems a bit odd that a guy is going to shoot some adults for being on his property, then they act like teens, then he invites them to stay in his barn.

The scene with the father and William was complete exposition, so I'll leave that for you to explore how to change. I'd love to see a rewrite. Good luck!

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How to write a story

lin

LOL!

So if you want the prized "subtext" all you have to do is not explain anything. I love it.

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lin

You've got too many "Name said," things. You can reduce that with a little thought. For instance, when only the man and woman are talking, there is not reason at all to use their names, rather than he/she.

It needs some major smoothing over. Look at the sentence in the first graph that has "heard knocking" I'm betting you can make that a lot more elegant in a hot second.

Comments on exposition refer to things like the first sentence here. You've ground to a halt before you even got going just to clue the reader in.
This would be really easy to work into the normal flow of narrative. Take these two sentences and combine them into one that get's it all across without having to address the reader with newsbrief.

I don't much care for things starting out with the full name of a character, but it's a matter of taste. But the line with "Bill" is really too much. Not only is everybody aware that Bill means William, even if they called him "Stumpy" you can work that in without using quote marks and such.

As a general rule, it works best to get a little action going before laying on back story. She's crying, maybe she hides the picture, she opens the door, deals with the caller. now maybe we can get across the idea of her situation.

No need to say "best friends" about Bob and Sherri, is there?

Come now. Look at that first sentence and tell me you can't save it from it's current scattered state. Then work on the idea of, "How many times can she start crying before we don't care?"

Go through this and weed out the reduncancy and extra words, shape it up. Start with the first couple of paragraphs, hone them down. You'l be learning a reflex that will help you sharpen up the rest, and do further writing with more economy and precision.

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astralis

Lin, why would you think you can't explain anything? Explaining through subtext instead of explicitly explaining, as exhibited in this chapter, is preferred writing. I have no idea why you would have a problem with this.

In my post above, I said, "As a writer, you can keep the reader's interest by withholding information, not giving it. Therefore, don't include what the reader can figure out, that's one of the joys in reading. Reveal only what your reader absolutely needs and wants to know. Have confidence in your reader."

How you reveal something is usually best done through subtext. Instead of having Mary says she's sick, you can have her reach for a box of tissues, her muscles ache that she can hardly lift herself out of bed, etc... The reader deduces that Mary is sick.

In dialogue, subtext is very important. Through the subtext you can explain without being on the nose, which is particularly evident in the William/Father scene.

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How to write a story

lin

Astralis, why do you think I would pay any attention to you, or that anybody here should take you seriously?

You aren't a writer, you're a political flack running "teach english" schemes and questionable websites. You waffle around on the issue, but have produced no reason why anybody should take your concepts to heart.

"Subtext" isn't a particularly useful concept for a writer, just for people who try to get money from writers for "help".

You keep arguing this junk then running off crying to moderators about not being treated nice. But you give NOBODY any reason to think that applying your ideas (which are stated much to generally to be of any help) would lead to any success in writing.

Why don't you just knock it off?

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astralis

I earn my living writing. A writer writes.
Prove your claims.
A political flack? What does that mean? Teaching English schemes? What schemes. What's up with these personal attacks? Prove your claims.
Where have I tried to get anyone's money? This is uncalled for. Prove your claims to me and the moderators. I think it's necessary.

What's up with lying about me and all these personal attacks? I haven't attacked you whatsoever. I haven't cursed at you or insulted you. We have a fundamental disagreement on the philosophy of writing. Get over it.

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How to write a story

SoNickSays...

Slightly off-topic posts...

I do agree with the subtext, though. In some cases it doesn't work, but in this case you would be doing yourself a great favor by using subtext. For example, why would Rob have any reason to say to Isabella "Besides, it's 2008 and you're with me." you're trying to hard to get the point of them going back in time across the readers, when a simple mobile phone can do that for you.

I am slightly lost though, and if this is the first few chapters, how do you intend to carry this on? What is the plot of the book?

I think you need to reserve a long space in your schedule and dedicate it to polishing all of the work you have done on this book.


Nick

Eli Cash

I think you should fix the punctuation and grammar mistakes.

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LeeKav

I think what Astralis is trying to say is don't tell them everything straight off or directly. Try and leave some unknown. There needs to be some mystery. Let the reader work things out for himself.

I agree with this and think it would give your story a little bit more.

Lin, there is no call for that crap. STFU and stop making sweeping unjustified claims.

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