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| Critique and Advice Works seeking critique, advice or assistance. |
05-20-2008, 02:42 PM
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#1
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Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 14
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My first writing in more than 2 months
I'm just wondering what you think of this. I haven't been able to write for two months; I'd like any and all input.
Thanks so much.
Fragile Souls There are moments, too long
When my fragile soul escapes-
The dark robot fills the empty space
To watch the minutes burn the hours of my life.
Tomorrow-
Is it not a pointless, random thought?
Like an actor without a script
I must improvise
Before an audience who, like me,
Is insignificant and alone.
We are the honored legion
Whose ranks are left unbroken
While tens of thousands perish, so far away,
Buried in rubble without a rest
Or single dying hope.
The cries of the children silenced
As they are crushed into the earth
On my secluded hill I sit confused and ashamed, yet safe for now.
Whatever truth there is here,
It alludes me.
But life goes on and so do we
On our mapless quest without an end
We navigate our trivial and selfish highway
With clumsy arrogance
Without apology or remorse.
We pretend at greatness
As others, more or less fortunate,
Feel the iron boot fall upon their heads
And their fragile souls return.
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05-20-2008, 03:13 PM
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#2
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Scribe
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Earth
Gender: Private
Posts: 96
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Wow, that's very nice.  I enjoyed it a lot, and the last line was perfect. |
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05-20-2008, 04:29 PM
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#3
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Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 14
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Thanks!
Thanks for the feedback. It encourages me to get on with it.
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05-20-2008, 05:58 PM
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#4
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Scribe
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Earth
Gender: Private
Posts: 96
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Welcome. You should certainly write more. I'd be happy to read it. |
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05-20-2008, 06:00 PM
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#5
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Gender: Private
Posts: 958
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is there some hidden meaning or reference to something?
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05-20-2008, 06:09 PM
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#6
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Gender: Private
Posts: 958
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doesn't matter- its good in my opinion
i'm usually not a fan of poetry, but this was interesting, emotional, didnt confuse me at any point, had good imagery- everything i think a poem should be.. its hard to put good imagery in a poem, but you pulled it off perfectly..
like someone before me said: do not stop writing
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05-21-2008, 09:13 PM
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#7
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Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 22
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Well, you sound so expert in this field. Your work is really good knowing that this is your first composition. I'm impressed with your wordings and for sure you will become a better writer eventually.
Anyway, I love this part
Quote:
But life goes on and so do we
On our mapless quest without an end
We navigate our trivial and selfish highway
With clumsy arrogance
Without apology or remorse.
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