Hmm, sorry, but I didn't really understand it. The second to last line was pretty strong (and really funny in a sick way), when she started screaming and her parents told her to shut up. That line was great. But some of it, such as the rolling over (maybe there was symbolism here? - sorry, I guess I can't figure it out), just didn't make much sense. Maybe it's just me - I don't know. I mean, I can see that she's paranoid, but some things just seemed really random.
Here are some other little tips:
Quote:
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Emily woke up feeling that infamous need to roll over.
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How can it be infamous when you just got done talking about how great it was?
Roll
Quote:
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Tears streaming down her face,
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Weak transition and overused.
Quote:
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theres too many people living here for it to be possible that not one person heard her
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I don't like the way this sounds. How about
:
"there are so many people in this house,
someone must hear her"
Quote:
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That night was just like any other.
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*yawn*
I'm kind of bored of that line.
Very interesting story, overall. You were able to spark my interest enough to keep reading, mostly just to figure out what the rolling over had to do with anything. But the line where her parents tell her to shut up - that was good. Get rid of the whole thing about rolling over and seeing shadows in the night, and just jump to the part with the intruder, where her parents scream at her to quit making so much noise.
Good luck!
