phu

I wrote this assuming everyone was familiar with the series I was basing it on (hence the lack of explanations for any reference to previous episodes), but I thought I want to see how much this makes sense to an "outsider." There's something I don't like about my writing and I'm sure it'd be obvious when someone pointed it out, but right now I can't put my finger on it (hence my decision to post this in public).

(By the way, the characters do talk like that throughout the series, so yeah.)

lin

Your assumption that everybody is familiar with these characters is a bit off.

__________________

Sam Winchester

That's an understatement, Lin! Honestly, I haven't a baldy's notion who the characters are. Is it Pokemon?

I'll give a detailed critique if you want, but if it's Pokemon, I won't read it. I despise that show.

Sam.

__________________

Ilasir Maroa

I'm fairly certain that this site does not allow fanfiction. Perhaps try ff.net.

__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."

www.theoddvillepress.com

Sam Winchester

Good point, Ilasir. Forgot about that!

Sam.

__________________

RinK

Um, lin, I think she meant for her audience (whoever that is), because then she said: "but I want to see how much this makes sense to an outsider."

This is a pretty good piece, I think. Well written overall, with an interesting ending. Also, it's brief but not rushed, which is good. I don't know if I can give you much more than that, since I would probably need to know more about the characters, but I enjoyed the read.

There are little bits and pieces I found that just didn't work:

Helping Yiping help? Lol - I think this one speaks for itself.

Suddenly and out of the blue mean the same thing, so you're basically just being repetitive. Just say, "she asked suddenly," or better yet, just "she asked," because there's no need for the suddenly anyway. If you were trying to stress the fact that it was sudden, then this word would be useful, but I don't see why it's necessary.

Nice job, though. It's a well-written piece, I think.

Xx Kane xX

As an outsider, I'm utterly confused. But it's called Fan Fiction for a reason, so it's obvious that your intended audience is going to get it.