Does this have any Pizazz? - Writers Forum

LolliAdverbs · 05-18-2008, 09:28 PM

An American in Japan was Sam Moriyama’s favorite joke, and Joss was his new punch-line.
This became evident that first day where she, swimming in her own sweat, stiffly waded through the thick humidity to introduce herself.
“Jyazu! Jyazu?” Sam laughed at her name, mutilating it with his Japanese accent. Then, putting one hand up to his head to mimic a shark fin, he sang the theme to Jaws as he walked back in front of her in as menacingly as a man of his petite stature could.
This man was to be her boss.
“Joss,” she repeated, forcing a smile.
“Jaws!” he replied smugly, shook her hand, and then ushered her into his car.
After three months, Joss quickly found that Sam may have been the first to think of the joke, but he was certainly not the last. The entire nation, it seemed, was struck with an incapability of being able to say her name correctly. When she had come to Japan, she had not expected that she would be transformed into a shark. Yet, indeed, everywhere she went, she was stared at as if she had jumped from the sea and bared her sharp white teeth. She had even made a child cry just by smiling at it. When she told Sam about the incident, he just said “of course! When I first met you, I pissed my pants! Did you know?”
However, Sam wasn’t the one always laughing. Joss did her fair share of it. After all, his name wasn’t even Sam, it was Shouta Moriyama. He had chosen the name because he had learned how to speak English from Samuel L. Jackson’s movies. And it was for that same reason he also learned how to cuss flawlessly. His hodgepodge of gangster/academic English always made her giggle loudly, forcing her to apologize, “sumimasen”.
She said that word a lot.

Sorry, weird place to end, but anymore, and I'd fear no one would read it.

Anyway, this is the beginning of my romance novel. My number one problem with writing is that I have trouble catching people's attention in the first few pages. I'm wondering if this beginning is too much telling, and not enough showing... And I wonder if my inherent knowledge of the subject makes it so I gleen over some important facts that the ordinary reader doesn't know. In other words, does it make sense? Is it interesting?

Also, I was wonder if I established their relationship well enough. I am well aware that without the rest of the story, a full blown critique is impossible. I just need to start on the right track, and all that jazz. And if I can't capture the attention and create interesting characters within three hundred words, I'll just be in all sorts of trouble, won't I?

Any thoughts?

Ungood · 05-18-2008, 11:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LolliAdverbs

Sorry, weird place to end, but anymore, and I'd fear no one would read it.

Anyway, this is the beginning of my romance novel. My number one problem with writing is that I have trouble catching people's attention in the first few pages. I'm wondering if this beginning is too much telling, and not enough showing... And I wonder if my inherent knowledge of the subject makes it so I gleen over some important facts that the ordinary reader doesn't know. In other words, does it make sense? Is it interesting?

Also, I was wonder if I established their relationship well enough. I am well aware that without the rest of the story, a full blown critique is impossible. I just need to start on the right track, and all that jazz. And if I can't capture the attention and create interesting characters within three hundred words, I'll just be in all sorts of trouble, won't I?

Any thoughts?

You have a sound, believable, easy to read story opening. I breezed though it quickly and enjoyed what I did read.

I would say, run with this. It looks good.

Ungood.

The Backward OX · 05-19-2008, 02:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LolliAdverbs

I just need to start on the right track, and all that jazz. And if I can't capture the attention and create interesting characters within three hundred words, I'll just be in all sorts of trouble, won't I?

Any thoughts?

It’s worse than that. You lost me with the first nine words.
You have only one chance to make a first impression and in my humble opinion Lolli-san, you just blew it.

I know I can be thick. I’m constantly told I’m not the fastest kid on the block. So when I didn’t “get it” I thought I’d better Google it, see what else I don’t know.

No joy there. That joke clearly is in the narrator’s mind only. And the trouble is that if the reader is put off his stroke before he’s even started, he’s going to be feeling unsettled for pages and pages and pages, waiting for more goofs.

Pity, because it looks like you may know a bit about writing.

Sayonara

Raging_Hopeful · 05-19-2008, 03:14 AM

Mmm would have to disagree with Ox here. I thought it was an easy read and I liked the Jaws reference because I could clearly see the japanese man, imitating a fin! It might also be due to the fact that I'm in Mongolia so my warped cross-cultural sense of humor is especially sensitive these days. I'd be interested to see where this goes though it is hard to imagine them dating each other.

Cheers,
Linz

LolliAdverbs · 05-19-2008, 08:51 AM

Ungood,

Thanks. That was the response I was hoping for.

Ox,

The joke is supposed to be a little strange, and Joss wasn't really supposed to get it. The novel, other than being unashamed chicklit, is about cultural differences.

Anyway, if I explain it, maybe you can suggest to me a better way to phrase it. I was worried about this, after all.

The Japanese system of pronunciation is most always end in a vowel (except for the n sound), so the name Joss is impossible for them. The closest sound they have for "ss" is the "zu" sound. So, her names ends up sounding like the movie "Jaws" with the Japanese accent. Sort of like how my real name is pronounced like the word "ant" in Japanese because they can't do the letter L properly.

Ragin,

You're in Mongolia! How cool!!! Would you mind if pmed you and asked you some questions. I've been desperate to go there for nearly all my life.

And Sam and Joss aren't a couple. But their relationship is the cornerstone for most of the plot, and I sort of wanted readers to be steered in the direction of thinking "maybe they are a couple". The real love interest is.... well, I'm writing like a Japanese/Korean drama, so there are going to be a lot. Hehe.

lin · 05-19-2008, 09:42 AM

Ox is probably (though he probably isn't aware of it) referring to the "American in Japan" phrase. It is, in fact, a bit of a speed bump. You could deal with that by puttting in in quotes or by moving it back so the caps work.
("Sam's favorite joke was An American In Japan") or tossing "just being" to clarify.

Quote:

After three months, Joss quickly found

three months or quickly? Decided

Quote:

English always made her giggle loudly, forcing her to apologize, “sumimasen”.
She said that word a lot.

Another tip from somebody who has a lot of foreign words in almost every work. maybe you've got this all handled, hard to say from here. But I always try to absolutely minimize and explanation of foreign words.
For instance:
English always made her giggle loudly, forcing her to apologize.
She ended up saying sumimasen a lot.

A very minor point, and there's nothing wrong with the way you did it...but you might think about that all the way through...ways to smooth over foreign words simply.
One thing I do is not bother translating or hinting at interjections or words whose general gist is apparent from content, by the way. A guy says, "He's such a pendejo" or "Carajo!!" or "Knock it off, cabron"
They don't need a glossary to figure out what's being said.

Looks pretty good so far. Just so she doesn't end up making it with her jerk boss.

The Backward OX · 05-19-2008, 09:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LolliAdverbs

Ox,

The joke is supposed to be a little strange, and Joss wasn't really supposed to get it. The novel, other than being unashamed chicklit, is about cultural differences.

Anyway, if I explain it, maybe you can suggest to me a better way to phrase it. I was worried about this, after all.

I think lin’s already given you my answer - his second suggestion; "Just being etc"

edit: I know Japs are small but is 'petite' really a good word to use about a man? How about 'diminutive'? (thank you, MS Word thesaurus)

lin · 05-19-2008, 10:25 PM

How about runt?
For all I know women think of men as "petite".

Not me, of course. I am gargantuan

lin · 05-19-2008, 10:25 PM

Brobdinagian is another word that comes to mind.

Raging_Hopeful · 05-19-2008, 11:00 PM

Why of course Lolli you don't even have to ask! My stash of PMs is pitifully small so I always appreciate an addition!

Cheers,
Linz

LolliAdverbs · 05-19-2008, 11:27 PM

No... Petite is definently the word for him

I'll take critiques into consideration for everything, but I'm sort of married to that word (at the moment, at least. Over time, I may change my mind). He is supposed to be sort of feminine, anyway. Everything about him is meant to be incongruous, like how he mixes vulgar slang with academic grammar, he's the head of the department, but still lives with his parents, and like how he's too American to be Japanese yet too Japanese to be American.

Of course, only after 300 words, I can't really expect people to see that about him yet.

The Backward OX · 05-20-2008, 12:19 AM

Umm. . . .and while I'm about it, "stiffly waded" doesn't do it for me either.
No matter the medium, one doesn't wade through it stiffly. Granted, wading through the humidity is brill, but find another adverb please. Or, as the pundits would have it, leave it out altogether and find a stronger word than waded. Floundered maybe. Struggled. Wallowed. You figure it out.
Edit: On second thoughts, maybe waded is ok. Just lose the adverb. And put the 'she' after 'swimming in her own sweat'.

lin · 05-20-2008, 12:26 AM

Lolli
Have you read Matin Cruz Smith's "December 6"?

It's a Japanese/Gaijin romance (sort of) pre world war two (note the title) by the author of "Gorky Park"

The guy is as good a writer as they come and it's an incredible book.
You might find in interesting. On the other hand you might find that it would interfere with you writing this one.

But at any rate, you should know about it if you don't already.

toccoto · 05-20-2008, 09:16 AM

Good so far, if I was to critique based on what you have said you want to do. The one thing I'd watch out for is trying to play too much on cultural differences because America and Japan aren't too far apart. TA lot of times I've known a lot of people to get turned off when writers try to hard to make a foreign country seem to exotic because most city locales are pretty straightforward. Country life I can see, but city life isn't too much different. Now if you have personal experiences in the country and can pick out small quirks that's good. I'd just say be wary of working off of assumed differences.

lin · 05-20-2008, 11:45 AM

I'd say that cultural differences are one of the main stocks in trade for something like this, and to play them like trumps.

Nobody reads books for similarities, differences are what novel is all about.

Keep on keepin' on.

How about some dirty scenes to keep us interested??????