Draft: They Tried to Kill the Sky - Writers Forum

r0ck0sauruzzz · 05-15-2008, 02:47 AM

I'm going to admit that this was horribly done even for a draft. I think I've made many grammatical errors. Oh well, did this in a short time (was late for something). I need advice on improving...and someone help me with the grammar. =/
~~~

When I was five, my cousin brought me to the park to watch a strange parade. Everyone around me was older, and more excited than I was. There were crowds of people defining the road. And, when we had arrived, the parade had already started.

Because I was too short that time, my cousin had to sit me up on his shoulder. Over the excitement of people, I could see a dark green and navy green vehicle. Out of its lid popped men who were also wearing green and navy green. The vehicle rolled across the road and passed us all.

My cousin had told me that this show on how technologically advanced their vehicles of defense was, was to deter aggressors from attacking our country and that the green would camouflage the vehicle in forests. I thought differently. There were no forests here. The green would definitely stand out, and who wouldn’t see this green giant?

I knew why. Green represented jealousy and this giant probably wanted to make enemies jealous and tempt them into increasing the number of giants they had. It was a weapon of jealousy and competitiveness.

When the vehicles had rolled by, many men started to stomp across the road. It was like the sound of thunder clapping. They walked in unison and with good timing. Their left legs would step out, all together at one time, followed by their right legs. And, even their left arms; they’d sway them together, all at the same time. But their right arms were hugging long rifles. They looked more like robots. Finally, I heard a voice yell something but it was inaudible. The men, like a remote-controller, instantly stopped on a spot although they continued stomping the ground. Finally, everything halted and there was a silence for a while.

I was in awe, but the awe wasn’t that experienced when watching a magic trick. It was a feeling of awestricken terror. My cousin had told me that these men too, were to protect us all and destroy the enemy. This robotic display was to show aggressors how organized they were, and how well-coordinated they were. Why in the first place would they need to? If there were no men like this, would there have been any enemies in the first place? Were men like these always used to protect us? And were they always the good ones? Were they ever the ones who were the enemy that killed and plundered other nations?

I wanted to go home. Playing with dolls was even more interesting than this.

But before I could say anything, many planes emerged from nowhere, each plane leaving a trail of bright red smoke behind it. They stained the canvas blue sky with some red writing. I could make out what it said: ‘Fly to Fight’.

I tried to tell my cousin, once again, that I really, really wanted to go home but he couldn’t hear me. The sound of the planes was too loud.

Then, someone yelled something again. The men immediately raised their rifles and pointed them at the sky. At another push of the remote control, all of them fired.

Each shot could kill a man and each man had a gun, but each man took multiple shots. That day, I couldn’t stop crying and my cousin refused to take me out again.

Olly Buckle · 05-15-2008, 04:09 AM

Firstly I would advise you against putting the disclaimer at the beginning, never say your work is bad, if you really believe it why are you showing it to any one without doing something about it, if you don't you will only put people off unnecessarily.
Secondly I really like the sentiment, violence is always counter productive, look what happened to the Pathans before and after they met Ghandi.
The nitty gritty, I am guessing that English may not be your first language, little things, for example we sit down but your cousin would have sat you up on his shoulders and he would have taken (took in context) you to the park.
You line a road rather than surround it
Don't start a sentence with "And"

Because I was too short that time, my cousin had to sit me down on his shoulder
I mentioned up but the whole thing is a bit sideways, we have already established that you were a little girl and he didn't have to do it for example, try:-
As I was only a little girl so my cousin sat me on his shoulder to see.
It should be the excited people, on the other hand an excitement of people is an interesting collective noun I might use myself sometime in the future.
Out popped men, don't need the second out
Whom too were - Who were also
There were no forests here and the green would definitely stand out, and who wouldn’t see this green giant? Firstly you don't need the first "and" and a comma, make lists with commas and just one and at the end, secondly not that it would stand out, it did.
When the vehicles rolled by...
Slightly ambiguous, I believe you mean "after", but using when means it could be read as "while"
that of when watching... Sorry this really is bad grammar "wasn't that of watching" or "wasn't that experienced when watching" or "wasn't that of watching" but not all three, that, of and when together.

I wanted to go home. Surely playing with dolls was even more interesting than this.
The "even" implies that you found this fairly interesting, I would also lose "surely" it makes it a question, you haven't used a question mark and I don't think there is really any doubt.

But before I could say anything, many planes emerged out of nowhere leaving a trail of bright red smoke behind them from each plane.
The "from each plane" is like an after thought, try:-
...nowhere, each plane leaving a trail of bright red smoke behind it.
Oh, and emerged from sounds better than out of, though I don't think it is actually wrong
The sound of the planes was too loud
Most of these points come over as awkwardness rather than ungrammatical, which is what made me take my guess about the second language, If I am right I find this piece very impressive, if I am wrong don't be downcast, it is still pretty good and much more readable than a lot of things about werewolves and such, thank you.

The Backward OX · 05-15-2008, 06:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olly Buckle

. . . it is still pretty good and much more readable than a lot of things about werewolves and such . . .

r0ck0sauruzzz · 05-16-2008, 08:27 AM

Oh well...I guess you can say that english is my second language. My first one is broken english. The standard of english in my country is low. =/ Lol, after I stopped reading, my english deteriorated a lot.

And thx for all the comments/advice&help, I'll edit when I'm free...

Olly Buckle · 05-16-2008, 01:59 PM

Sorry, didn't mean to insult your country or language, look at it like this, Americans speak American, a variation of English, Australians speak 'Strine, another variation, your country has another slight variation, it does not mean that the standard is low or it is broken. You may want to consider some of my comments in light of this, and decide you want to write in your own version of the language, I know if I tried to write like an American it would be silly.
Never stop reading, I have been at it for years and there is still a huge list of things I want to read.

r0ck0sauruzzz · 05-17-2008, 09:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olly Buckle

Sorry, didn't mean to insult your country or language, look at it like this, Americans speak American, a variation of English, Australians speak 'Strine, another variation, your country has another slight variation, it does not mean that the standard is low or it is broken. You may want to consider some of my comments in light of this, and decide you want to write in your own version of the language, I know if I tried to write like an American it would be silly.
Never stop reading, I have been at it for years and there is still a huge list of things I want to read.

I guess there is a slight variation. But nah, didn't insult me or anything. Thx for advice and etc. XD