Very last part of a story - 120 words. - Writers Forum

MrMicrowave · 05-08-2008, 08:21 AM

The sun was setting. Jaime sat on a cliff, looking out towards the sea. The win blew cool through his hair.
Sitting there with his earphones in and Mp3 player feeding the voice and words of Jim Adkins into his ears, he reached into a bag he had brought from home.
“Again”
His hand grips on to something hard and cold.
“I shall ask you this once again”
Slowly, he pulls his hand out and reveals a gun in his grip.
“He said”
Jaime opens the chamber. 1 bullet. He cocks the gun.
“I am but one small instrument.”
Jaime puts the gun to his head. One deep swallow, then a loud ringing noise.
“Do you remember that?”

Nothing.

KangTheMad · 05-08-2008, 01:52 PM

Umm... generally you dont post the ending first. The beggining is called that for a reason. And I have no clue if this is good without the rest of the story.

rosearche · 05-08-2008, 02:23 PM

Mr Microwave,
I'd be inclined to agree with some of the comments of Kangthemad; it's a little difficult to express how poignant the ending is until you're at the end. However, commenting on the piece as it stands; the sun was setting - an awful waste of a description considering someone is about to put a gun to their head.
The wind was cool through his hair - we tend to feel the temperature of the wind on our faces than in our hair.
"Again" - ?
His hand gripped on to something hard and cold - guns aren't cold, especially their grips, maybe the metal body but only because it's cold outside. It's a cliche in my opinion and I used to work on a police firearms team.
Opening the chamber suggests a revolver - one bullet - if you want to load only one bullet, you have to position the chamber in the right place, on some weapons it goes anti-clockwise and dead easy to get wrong.
then a loud ringing noise - of course if he had committed the deed, he won't have heard that.

Just observations, trying to give you a reply without picking holes, but you haven't given us much to go on. Hope this helps and stick with it, desperate measures on a cliff top at sunset are all very promising.

KangTheMad · 05-08-2008, 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrMicrowave

The sun was setting. Jaime sat on a cliff, looking out towards the sea. The wind blew cool against his face.
Sitting there with his earphones in and Mp3 player feeding the voice and words of Jim Adkins into his ears, he reached into a bag he had brought from home.
“Again” Huh?
His hand grips on to something hard and cold. Guns are not cold, actually go to a shooting range before writing about guns.
“I shall ask you this once again”
Slowly, he pulls his hand out and reveals a gun in his grip.
“He said”
Jaime opens the chamber. 1 bullet. He cocks the gun.
“I am but one small instrument.”
Jaime puts the gun to his head. One deep swallow, then a loud ringing noise.
“Do you remember that?”

Nothing.

Overall kind of pathetic. Give us the rest of the story.

silverfoxgirl · 05-09-2008, 09:36 PM

I think maybe the quotes in the paragraph are from the song he is listening to on the ipod, maybe they are mentioned at another point it the story.
"1" should be written out.
rosearche-- I think it is possible that the character could here a loud ringing noise when he shoots himself, though I guess we will never know unless we try it ourselves. I guess the whole ringing-noise-thing is a bit more dramatic.

rosearche · 05-10-2008, 01:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silverfoxgirl

I guess the whole ringing-noise-thing is a bit more dramatic.

That's a good point, although guns tend to go bang than ring especially in a wide open space such as a cliff top.

Perhaps, Mr Microwave, you could comment on why the just the ending?