Does this opening work? - Writers Forum

Wildcard · 05-06-2008, 04:52 PM

Hi all.

I started a new piece that is taking a look into the life of a serial killer named Jack Layne. I'm a tad bit skeptical about the opening and wonder what you guys think. Should I change it or keep it as it is?

W.C~~

MEET JACK LAYNE

ONE

Hi, I’m Jack and I’m a serial Killer.

Please forgive my forwardness, but I was never a big fan of pussy footing. If we were out on a date, I assume this is the part where you’d whack me across the face and call me a bastard, right?

Now before we go any further allow me to get a few things straight; I was never abused as a child, and no I don’t have mental problems. I never tortured animals or set fire to houses. I kill for the simplest of all reasons; because I want to.

Most psychologists would probably look for ways to blame my behavioral patterns on some kind of childhood trauma I endured, or some form of mental breakdown, but I had a very happy childhood. My family and my parents are wonderful people, and all Christian. Well, except for me. I was never the religious type. I don’t believe in heaven and as far as hell goes, I think we’re already in it.

I remember my first night. The very first time I left home with the intention of hurting or possibly killing someone.

It was a Wednesday night around 12:30 am when I pulled my beat-up Nissan into Club V’s car park. Of course, my car was in perfect condition a few weeks before, until some idiot in a trailer truck decided that I needed a little extra bodywork. But we’ll get back to that asshole later.

I was sucking on a toothpick and staring at my rearview mirror, scoping everyone outside the club. There were a few people, about twenty or so, and even fewer cars. I was a little disappointed at first, because I was expecting it to be a lively night. I’d even brought along my mom’s digital camera with the hopes of photographing any possible victims.

You know… do a little stalking first. It lay next to me on the passenger’s seat.

I pulled a pack of cigarettes from my cubby hole as I sat there adjusting the mirror so I could see all areas of the car park. B & H menthol was the only brand I smoked and I replaced the toothpick with a cigarette, neatly tucking it behind my right ear to suck on later. Yeah, toothpicks are a little habit of mine. I’m a certified CTC (Compulsive Toothpick Chewer).

astralis · 05-06-2008, 05:02 PM

I think it's fine up until he says CTC.

I like how he thinks he has no issues (all serial killers think they're normal -- as most people think). And I liked how you gave him all the behaviors of a serial killer right after he said he has no behaviors of a serial killer. Stalking victims while sucking on a toothpick is a fantastic image so I didn't like him going into CTC.

This works because of the contradiction and therefore it made it real for me.

Ungood · 05-06-2008, 05:10 PM

I have to agree. Admitting to an "issue" is not a good sign of a Serial Killer, they don't have "Issues".

All in all.. great!=D>

Ungood.

nacreous · 05-06-2008, 06:21 PM

I think this diary format has been done to death

I'm sorry. I just dont think its a good "hook."
cheers.

astralis · 05-06-2008, 07:22 PM

Nacreous, it doesn't hook you because it's in diary format or because of the story it's building? Isn't first-person usually in a diary-like format?

An example:

Quote:

Chapter 1

1801. - I have just returned from a visit to my landlord - the solitary neighbour that I shall be troubled with. This is certainly a beautiful country! In all England, I do not believe that I could have fixed on a situation so completely removed from the stir of society. A perfect misanthropist's heaven: and Mr. Heathcliff and I are such a suitable pair to divide the desolation between us. A capital fellow! He little imagined how my heart warmed towards him when I beheld his black eyes withdraw so suspiciously under their brows, as I rode up, and when his fingers sheltered themselves, with a jealous resolution, still further in his waistcoat, as I announced my name. 'Mr. Heathcliff?' I said.

"Wuthering Heights" by Emily Brontë (1847)

lin · 05-06-2008, 08:50 PM

Quote:

(all serial killers think they're normal -- as most people think).

Get real.

Not bad. I find it a little too bright. He's spending all his time addressing the "serial killer" stereotype without talking about himself. Which is what people most like to talk about.

I would find away to work personal insights, issues, peeves, etc into this, I think.

Good luck

astralis · 05-06-2008, 09:01 PM

Quote:

Get real.

It's as real as it gets when someone does something wrong that they rationalize it and normalize it by believing they a) had no other choice b) simply believes society is wrong (pedophiles believe this for the most part) c) believe they can steal because no one is really going to get hurt or that they are righting a wrong (e.g., stealing a loaf of bread or shooting the person who murdered your daughter because justice let them free).

Understanding the motivation of your characters, especially when they're involved in crimes, is important because they do not see themselves as the bad person. The writing above exemplified this very well.

Eli Cash · 05-07-2008, 12:00 PM

I'll quote myself from a different thread:

Quote:

The idea of writing a novel/story from the first-person perspective of a killer is so closely associated with The Killer Inside Me it would be like undertaking to write a third-person omniscient narrative about hobbits.

The Killer Inside Me - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

How do plan on distinguishing your work from that well-known existing book?

nacreous · 05-07-2008, 12:06 PM

I feel that the first person narrative style has so many inherent limitations that it is not really a valuable tool for the writer. Too self-centered. I am not saying that YOu are self-centered... I dont know you at all and I'd have no basis to say that. I am now talking about the style in general, in a philosophical sense.
But, hey, I did a few in the first-person. It was fun. I just dont do that anymore. You did, however, ask for opinions o this subject, not me. That is my opinion. Sue me if we dont agree. it s like being sued for my choice of chocolate over vanilla.
You'll certainly write in many different styles before you die. Enjoy it while you can.
Cheers.

Wildcard · 05-07-2008, 12:40 PM

You've lost me completely Eli.
So what you're saying is that because there was already a work dealing with a serial killer from the FPP(first person perspective), it is more or less impossible to create another such work that would be distinguishable?
That bit about the hobbits has no relevance in my opinion. I think a good example of what I'm trying to say would be Bram Stoker's work "Dracula". Stoker did not create the vampire, but he used the species to create a protagonist.
Each serial killer is different. They have different characteristics, methods and motives which are the driving forces behind who they are and why they do what they do. So I think your quote couldn't be more out of place.
I also think that is what would mostly intrigue the reader. The fact that you are getting into this person's life and you more or less have a front row seat as each unfortunate victim meets thier demise. I understand what you are saying Nacreous but understand, the story is about Jack Layne.
That bit about sueing you for prefering chocolate; would you walk into a store that says "Vanilla Ice Cream Only" at the entrance and then demand a rocky road?

lin · 05-07-2008, 09:16 PM

Quote:

It's as real as it gets when someone does something wrong that they rationalize it and normalize it by believing they a) had no other choice b) simply believes society is wrong (pedophiles believe this for the most part) c) believe they can steal because no one is really going to get hurt or that they are righting a wrong (e.g., stealing a loaf of bread or shooting the person who murdered your daughter because justice let them free).

Understanding the motivation of your characters, especially when they're involved in crimes, is important because they do not see themselves as the bad person. The writing above exemplified this very well.

What has this got to do with anything?
My comment was directed to all the pop-psych defininite statements about sociopaths, which are under-informed and naive, merely parroted from somewhere.

Which has NOTHING to do with rationalization.

Understanding a character is best acheived not by reading up on "types" but creating characters that manifest one's impressions of people an the world.

By the way, astralis, your signature link is dead.

Sorry, but I just HAVE to believe that's for the better.

Shawn · 05-07-2008, 09:39 PM

A person who is content with themselves has no reason for conflict.

If your character thinks they are doing the wrong thing, but feels powerless to do otherwise, it would make a much more interesting character than, say, someone who thinks they are doing the right thing.

Just try looking at the story in a way that you can extract the maximum amount of conflict, because that forces a character to change, and a changing character is the sign of good... characterization, I suppose.

Shawn · 05-07-2008, 09:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lin

By the way, astralis, your signature link is dead.

The URL is just spelled wrong.

Entertaiment, instead of Entertainment.

Ungood · 05-07-2008, 10:03 PM

True.

Like for Example Charles Manson and Ted Bundy.

Very different men.

The idea here is that one work has done this, a very good job of it. So it harder.

Much harder.

Ungood.

astralis · 05-07-2008, 10:18 PM

Quote:

If your character thinks they are doing the wrong thing, but feels powerless to do otherwise, it would make a much more interesting character than, say, someone who thinks they are doing the right thing.

Absolutely. Everyone rationalizes their actions and it's that rationalization that exposes a conflicted character.

This is a good illustration: Incest dad upset at media "monster" image

Quote:

Mayer made his comments when asked to confirm a report Wednesday by the newspaper Oesterreich that quoted Fritzl as saying he was not a monster and that without him, his 19-year-old daughter Kerstin would no longer be alive.

Quote:

The URL is just spelled wrong.

Entertaiment, instead of Entertainment.

Fixed. Thanks.