Does this opening work? - Page 3 - Writers Forum

lin · 05-08-2008, 07:48 PM

Quote:

American Psycho was brilliant.

A piece of crap, relying on cheap sensationalism and hinging mostly on brand names, many would say. And, in fact, have.

Remedy · 05-08-2008, 09:20 PM

I'm responding without looking through the rest of the posts (so as not to mix up my thoughts with someone else's), so if there was an update or something, I missed it.

To be honest, it doesn't quite ring true for me. The first line (and the subsequent few) remind me of a giggling teenager; there's no real depth that I can catch. Reading this, I felt like it was just a bravado speech, not something a real serial killer would say.

You have some grammar errors, but I assume you'll pick them up on editing.

Remedy · 05-08-2008, 09:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eli Cash

The problem, of course, is having not familiarized himself with similar works, like The Killer Inside Me or American Psycho, (the Brett Easton Ellis novel, not the movie) WC has no idea if he's still treading the same ground. He doesn't know if he has anything new to say on the topic, because he doesn't know what's already been said.

I think that if anything, it can be a good thing to write before reading similar stories. A few from the general genre are ok, but to read ones that might specifically overlap before writing could be problematic. I've always found that people tend to be more influenced a parallel work, and they may end up unintentionally model their story after the original.

In such a case, I would write my story first, then go back and revise. After that, reading the competition can be beneficial, to see where there are differences and where there is too much overlap. Without that outside influence in the beginning, there should naturally be variations, so any changes necessary can be built off of those.

Wildcard · 05-09-2008, 02:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Remedy

I think that if anything, it can be a good thing to write before reading similar stories. A few from the general genre are ok, but to read ones that might specifically overlap before writing could be problematic. I've always found that people tend to be more influenced a parallel work, and they may end up unintentionally model their story after the original.

In such a case, I would write my story first, then go back and revise. After that, reading the competition can be beneficial, to see where there are differences and where there is too much overlap. Without that outside influence in the beginning, there should naturally be variations, so any changes necessary can be built off of those.

I cannot agree with you more Rem.

Wildcard · 05-09-2008, 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Truth-Teller

"Hi, I'm Jack, and I'm a serial killer."

Great comedy.

Terrible for a thriller.

I can't stop laughing...

Actually Truth Teller, that first line was intentional. This work is not supposed to be some kind of dreary, melancholic walk on the dark side. This is Jack's story from Jack's p.o.v. In that sense, I am hoping to develop a kind of tongue-in-cheek mode of conveying this story, so that the reader would get into Jack's personality as well as indulge in his sinister adventures.

Wildcard · 05-09-2008, 03:09 PM

MEET JACK LAYNE (UPDATED)

ONE

Hi, I’m Jack and I’m a serial Killer.

Please forgive my forwardness, but I was never a big fan of pussy footing. If we were out on a date, I assume this is the part where you’d whack me across the face and call me a bastard, right?

Now before we go any further allow me to get a few things straight; I was never abused as a child, and no I don’t have mental problems. I never tortured animals or set fire to houses. I kill for the simplest of all reasons; because I want to.

Most psychologists would probably look for ways to blame my behavioral patterns on some kind of childhood trauma I endured, or some form of mental breakdown, but I had a very happy childhood. My family and my parents are wonderful people, and all Christian. Well, except for me. I was never the religious type. I don’t believe in heaven and as far as hell goes, I think we’re already in it.

I remember my first night. The very first time I left home with the intention of hurting or possibly killing someone.

It was a Wednesday night around 12:30 am when I pulled my beat-up Nissan into Club V’s car park. Of course, my car was in perfect condition a few weeks before, until some idiot in a trailer truck decided that I needed a little extra bodywork. But we’ll get back to that asshole later.

I was sucking on a toothpick and staring at my rearview mirror, scoping everyone outside the club. There were a few people, about twenty or so, and even fewer cars. I was a little disappointed at first, because I was expecting it to be a lively night. I’d even brought along my mom’s digital camera with the hopes of photographing any possible victims.

You know… do a little stalking first. It lay next to me on the passenger’s seat.

I pulled a pack of cigarettes from my cubby hole as I sat there adjusting the mirror so I could see all areas of the car park. B & H menthol was the only brand I smoked and I replaced the toothpick with a cigarette, neatly tucking it behind my right ear to suck on later.

I rolled the driver’s side window down halfway, as the smoke from my first drag slowly seeped from my lips. Already I could feel the light tingling sensation I always got from my first pull coming on. A pre-high if you would. I took another drag and leaned back in my seat as I continued staring at the mirror.

Every now and then it would afford me a glimpse of a nice pair of legs or a perky set of breasts. Ordinary shit.

Would’ve done a lot better to just stay at home and watch porn at this rate!

Maybe you should get out, have a closer look.

No… too soon. Do a little more investigating first.

…

Fuck investigating!

Don’t be too hasty…don’t wanna screw this up on the first go…

…

Fuck this!

I flicked what was left of the cigarette through the window before winding it back up, and then pulled the rearview mirror down so I could see my reflection. The light from a nearby lamp-post beaming off the glass had fallen in an awkward, yellowish rectangle across my face. My full brown eyes seemed to glisten with it giving them an eerie glow.

I snarled a little, trying to appear sinister.

Who am I?

I’m Jack Layne bitch.

Hahahahaha.

Oh, so you’re laughing now? How about I rip your fucking guts out?

Let’s see you laugh then!

I ran a hand across my stubble-ridden jaw. Amazing how fast my beard grows back. There was a small scar on my left cheek and another one just over my left eyebrow – surfing accident. That happened when I was about nineteen, and I remembered hating those scars from the first day I found out they would be permanent. But that was then.

I love them now. I think they actually give me an edge; intensified my features somewhat.

Enough stalling Jack…let’s go find us a victim.

I took a deep breath and re-adjusted the mirror so that it once again faced the parking lot, which was no livelier than it had been a few minutes before.

I reached over into the passenger’s seat, grabbed the camera and then pulled my door open. My heart rate began to accelerate substantially as my sneakers met the asphalt and a cold breeze blew me a greeting.

I took another deep breath and turned to close the door.

Aren’t you forgetting something Jacky boy?

“Shit,” I muttered.

I quickly got back into the car and reached under my seat. My hand met a firm leather case which I quickly tucked under my belt. I paused a little while, making certain I wasn’t forgetting anything else, and then stepped back into the night.

Let’s go find us a victim!

silverfoxgirl · 05-11-2008, 08:26 PM

Calm down, guys. Its a just story. Its one thing to debate something, but please stop being pissy.
I personally found myself very hooked in by both versions. The most recent one did a better job of making him scarier, but I kind of liked the CTC thing-- I think it made it easier to sympathize with him a little but making him human... In this version, I hate his guts and want him to go die. Personally, I think I would have trouble reading the rest of the story if I can't sympathize with him-- even though he is a murderer and obviously in the wrong.
That is just my opinion though; Honestly, I don't read many books in that genre.
-Hannah

Wildcard · 05-14-2008, 07:49 PM

Thanks for that Hannah, and I agree with you totally about the sympathy issue. But like I said before, this is Jack's story and if his personality makes you want to hate him then so be it. If on the other hand it makes you like him or his style then so be it as well. That is the point I'm trying to get across here. I dont want this to be just another fpp story. I want the reader to actually get into Jack and everything about him.
And about the CTC thing, I'm definately thinking about throwing that back in there.

WC~~