Singularis

Okay. I have been having some good feedback and advice for this. Also a member stated plainly that, and I understand this, I should keep the edited versions in one place...ie, overwrite old versions so the below is the most recent.

Note: The character name is not a final thing, I just needed a name to help write it
Take III:



Jeniffer’s birthday still ran over and over in her mind…the night before, the day itself. As she sat on an old rickety train, all of it replayed as quickly as the trees ran past the window on her right. The windows and continuous click-click of the wheels over the joints in the track were entrancing. As the sounds echoed through her mind the woodland outside appeared to grow larger until it became a blur. Her eyes were heavy, her head began to sway as it became limp and then sleep claimed her.

She could hear trees being pushed aside and twigs being snapped as unknown entities stormed through the forest. They seemed to stop every now and then as if listening for something. A wind rustled the leaves all around her, large grasses surrounded her, all of which obediently resigned to the gust…but she could not feel the wind. Dead trees lay here and there, whilst the rest stood all about the forest, some of which towered far above the forest floor. Flecks of failing light shone as shafts through gaps in the crown picking out smaller grasses, bushes and small perennials of many different colours. Some of them had been grazed or trampled, but no animals could be seen.


Sharp, stifled breaths drew her attention to the bushes a few steps away; whatever it was must have been exerting itself for some time or maybe it was just afraid. In the distance the group had stopped stamping through the forest. Within a minute they started moving again and the bush that had attracted Jen’s attention previously moved suddenly and a cloaked figure ran straight toward her from its bowels. The black cloak concealed the features and figure of this stranger. Jen bit back a scream and was bracing herself to be attacked but the figure ran straight though her and stopped almost immediately and looked back as if checking their path…maybe they had felt Jen’s presence?

The person continued their run until silence settled again over the forest, nothing could be heard, not even the dusk chorus. Jen’s inquiring mind immediately questioned the image before her but before Jen could formulate a guess the eerie silent veil was shattered by an icy howl from the direction of the party accompanied by several muffled shouts that she did not recognise the language of. A second howl, as chilling as the first, echoed over the forest and Jen’s attention was drawn to the runner again whose run had been cut short by a log; they whimpered in pain and Jen immediately knew the figure was female.

She clambered up again and winced as she put her weight on her right foot…she wore black leather boots. The woman’s right arm automatically reached for the source of the pain and for a moment the cloak relinquished her wrist on which an elaborate piece of jewellery hung…she had a mark on her under arm but Jen could not make it out.

The lady’s attention moved around in frightened glances as if the whole forest was enclosing on her. Shadows appeared to streak around the forest…but that could just be the light couldn’t it?
Gingerly Jen followed the woman’s erratic glances. The woman’s eyes finally settled as if finding something of interest, but as a pose to gaze on, the woman lay closer to the ground as if hoping the fallen log that undermined her earlier would be merciful and hide her.

Jen looked to where the woman was looking once more; all she could see was dark shadow cast by the bough of the ancient trees but there was something menacing about the darkness; she peered in intently.

Two burning coals peered out from the darkness followed by an eruption of guttural growls, snarls and stifled barks. The creature pounced out at the woman, Jen doubled back and the woman released a muffled scream as the animal landed heavily metres from her. It had the face of a wolf, but it was much shaggier; its coat was jet black with no colours to break the darkness. Its glinting eyes seemed empty as it stalked towards the woman who desperately tried to pull herself along the ground away from the creature. She dragged her ankle along the ground inducing agony which flooded her voice.

It didn’t matter if she screamed now.

The animal stalked toward the woman and opened its jaws subtly, out of which a dark vapour approached her. The cloud encroached on her hidden face and hung there as if waiting. The stream from the wolf’s maw severed and the wounded lady’s head moved as if a hand had pulled it back.


The cloak fell from her head to reveal a face stained with tears of determination and mud splatters from the forest floor. Her eyes appeared sunken; droplets had hung to them, drowning them. The lines on her face grew tighter with fear. The vapour entered her nostrils at which point she attempted to extend her arm with her diminishing strength toward Jen ‘hel…hel…me…help…’ then her eyes closed and she fell into unconsciousness.

The wolf walked over to her limp form, a cruel pride hung around it, and looked to the canopy where it opened its mouth again in another chilling howl. Leaves rustled as if disturbed by a breeze and the wolf dissipated into a dark cloud, which hung over the unconscious woman, then ascended to the sky where it began to glow until the darkness obliterated itself in a bright explosion. Within seconds Jen heard shouts come from where she heard the first howl.

Mounted beings trundled through the woods on animals Jen had never seen before, followed by a cloaked figure, but this one did not hide his face; it was decorated in runes and markings. He appeared to be walking briskly past Jen but at the last second he turned around and glided rapidly to where she stood and looked directly into her eyes.

His gaze was like ice, it burned her eyes and she woke from her lucid dream. The words ‘help me’ echoed through her mind as if approaching her, until they sounded as if they were coming from the passenger next to her…she turned around to look, but before she could see whatever phantom it was that talked to her it had faded off like a celestial siren. All she found was a judgemental look from her neighbour.

This was her stop.

She rose unsteadily from her seat breathing heavily, her black clothes stuck to her, her mascara and eye shadow had ran mimicking the tear stained face she just saw. Jen brushed past her neighbour toward the double doors where she alighted, her long black dress being the last thing to whip around the corner. Eyes followed her off of the train and on the platform she stood erect, fearing the trees, and the tracks, that had betrayed her sleeping self with a vision of myth... It was myth wasn’t it?

In the real world dogs made of darkness did not hunt defenceless women down then disappear into nothing. In a real world people did not walk around in cloaks with rune decorated faces…no it couldn’t be real.
“Of course it couldn’t be” she reaffirmed to herself attracting several curious looks, but she didn’t care about them, they had no idea…neither did she.

She’d only been eighteen for a few days and already she was being haunted by dark visions…would they ever stop?

Nevermore

I was really pulled in by this, it's a nice idea and it would be nice to see how this continues. The mixture of the real and surreal worlds helps to keep a reader interested.

However, if 'surgical' means something like stoic, I have to concur. It's a little hard to read too. I think you should re-structure some of the 'clunkier' sentences; a little shuffling phrases and attention to punctuation should do it.
I don't like to quote examples, but I'm sure you'll know yourself where things need touching up. Remember, the way you structure a sentence can help build the tension in your story and with this story that could make this quite spectacular.

I particularly liked how you moved from the train to the dream sequence, by not mentioning the concept of dreams, it doesn't get in the way of the action: nice...

I'd love to see more of this, keep it up!

__________________
That black shadow whose words shone light on the deepest concerns of the soul did give the name "Nevermore"
"Only this and nothing more."
"Oh, and type Bernard's Letter into Google. It'll do ya good."

Singularis

Thank you for the positive critique Nevermore.

I do understand what you mean perfectly, however I am not sure how to condense sentences without them sounding reptitive or unfinished. I know that that is one of the lessons that you can only properly learn yourself, but any pointers would be much appreciated.

As for this extract being part of a bigger thing, it is; but I am writing it as it comes as a pose to chronologically , ie, I am not writing it systematically such as Prologue first, then chapter 1, 2, 3 etc.

Again thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you again soon

Sing

Nevermore

I know how difficult it can be to read your own work with a reader's perspective. All could suggest is;
0ne, really get to grips with punctuation. If you keep it forefront in your mind for long enough, it becomes second nature.
Two, read your work aloud after you've edited it. If you give up or suffocate half way through reading a sentence, you know to change it.

Hope this helps, and that you post more of this story, in whatever order it may come!

Nevermore

__________________
That black shadow whose words shone light on the deepest concerns of the soul did give the name "Nevermore"
"Only this and nothing more."
"Oh, and type Bernard's Letter into Google. It'll do ya good."

Singularis

Hmm some good ideas there, I will try it out. Thanks for the positive reply again

Singularis

Nevermore

In terms of formatting this version is a vast improvement on the last. Although there are still a few run-on sentences etc. I found it much easier to read, which is good news seeing as this is the second time for me.

However, I wouldn't have made some of the other changes. In the introduction, you dropped the part about Jen falling asleep, which you need to imply that this is a dream sequence. Not directly mentoining the dream sequence gives your reader a surprise, but then they can figure out it's a dream and follow it without confusion. That might have been my fault... (bites lip)

Also, there was a moment when you mention Jen not being there physically... I'd get rid of this; it takes from the action. And the part where she rationalises the dream took a lot from the suspence that made me think it might have been a real vision. I don't know what your aim is in this respect but should this turn out to be the case, I would leave that bit out.

When you talk about the party of cloaked figures, don't refer to them as people. Maybe it's just a personal preference, but I find it too simplictic. Maybe something 'crowd', or even referring to them as cloaks would work better.

The middle section about following gazes is good, but there's too much. There's a point where it creates tension and a point where it's a bit excessive. It's hard to say where, but I'm sure you can find it!

One last thing that I tripped up on. Maybe it's just me being a duff reader, but when Jen is leaving the train, I found myself thinking that it was her neighbour getting off. This sounds stupid, but it confused me for a second so there's a chance someone else might be the same.
I think it might have something to do with her dress goin around the corner. The observation is made from a viewpoint that is not that of the main character, so it's a little jarring. Maybe something like: "the hem of her dress flicking around the corner behind her" or something would work better. It's only a tiny thing, but it'll help to change it.

But overall, the piece was far more readable this time round. The only thing I'd suggest now is get rid the lefts and rights and look at starting new sentences in place.

I'm sorry if this sounds really critical, I just want to help. I still really enjoy this idea and I think it'll be excellent once you work the kinks out of it.

More please!

__________________
That black shadow whose words shone light on the deepest concerns of the soul did give the name "Nevermore"
"Only this and nothing more."
"Oh, and type Bernard's Letter into Google. It'll do ya good."

Singularis

On the contrary thank you very much for the critical opinions. I did not notice the statememnt about confusion as to when she slept but I read it with that in mind and it became obvious so I tried to sort that out, added a bit more description of surroundings off of the back of your statement about the left and right stuff. Again you were correct, I try to avoid references to factual dimensions and time periods when writing fantasy...it takes the edge off otherwise! Sometimes though I put 'em in and I don't notice.

Tried to cut down on the gazing and remodel it. Another valid comment!

With regards to the reference to her not being there physically, that also makes sense and I have removed that line

And it is intended to be a vision, but she does not grasp it as such yet.

Finally, no you weren't being a duff reader. I read that line about her dress and yes it did give me the impression it was talking about her neighbour ^^

Anyways below is the edited version!

Thanks for all your help thus far Never. I really appreciate having someone who is not afraid to say exactly what they think, cos I do take my writing seriously. Why do you think I came to this site eh ?

Sing

Singularis

Removed

Ungood

I give... I can't for the life of me place the MC.

I have no idea where I am as I read this. Am I on a train, standing in the forest? Just watching a train go by.

I have no idea where I am or what I am looking at.

With that... I stopped reading.

Ungood.

__________________

Singularis

Maybe you should read the "Take III" post? lol That is the most updated, edited, version. And you won't be able to place the MC properly without reading the rest of what I have in my mind, but for reference, Jennifer is the main character (and Jennifer is not a FINAL name). That extract is a part of a much bigger story.

Furthermore it starts, and ends with Jen and has Jen in it through the rest, and is from her perspective, which would also imply she was the main character here.

And another:
"...like a replay as quickly as the trees running past the window she was sat next at on an old rickety train."

If you read the take III you will see that that line has changed to a more readable standard, but even still it states clearly she is on a train.

If you went to a restaurant and ordered a three course meal and only ate the starter, then said the whole meal was dull, bland, tasteless etc, or whatever else you have to say, do you think the chef would approve?

Basically I implore you to read the edited, refined, text that Nevermore has been estutely aiding me with with his critique.

Sing

Nevermore

(Enter Nevermore)

Well, I think Ungood has a fine point. I also struggled a little at the start of the first version, but I would agree the introduction has improved since then.
However, in light of the subtle shift into the dream sequence, it may be worth putting a little more emphasis on the train separation from the woodland, maybe a starck contrast in warmth and cold - or wet verses dry, something like that - to avoid further confusion.

Anyway, this is yet another improvent on the last version. I still feel that this is hasn't reached its utmost potential, but it's really close. There are little bits of sentences which you will recognise as needing to be fixed as your writing develops, but this will come as you grow used to your own style.
A general comment would be to use sensory imagery to create links of memory for your reader. Focus on smells, textures, the more unique sounds, bring them to your reader and they will relate.
Also, there are still slivers of technical details that are riuning the sleek nautre of your story's structure. Like your sentences, the bits that don't flow will become obvious in time.
There was a reference to 'bowels' in there that made me think, 'Uhh... eew.' The use of bodily imagery can create a lot of drama, but this just make think of, well.. nastiness. Perhaps 'stomach' would make a good substituion.

Finally, with Ungood's comment in mind, I think you should you type Bernard's Letter into Goggle and watch the think thing you find. In fact, I think everyone should do this. I think I'll make this part of my signature. it might even be down there now...

__________________
That black shadow whose words shone light on the deepest concerns of the soul did give the name "Nevermore"
"Only this and nothing more."
"Oh, and type Bernard's Letter into Google. It'll do ya good."

KangTheMad

"And then said the Raven, Nevermore"

Best. Poem. Ever.

__________________
I'm not a pathetically horrible adult writer. I'm a pathetically horrible teen writer. There is a difference.

Singularis

Well even still I would like them to read the take III post as that is the most up-to-date version and is the work in progress. Thank you for the feedback yet again Nevermore, I do not have any experience with this use of sensory imagery though so for the moment this text is on hold heh.

Furthermore I do not know my main character's life enough yet except the major details and memories she has had.

Sing

Singularis

I have had a think about it and this girl is gonna be a city girl with countryside at her heart. As for smells well I'll probs liken tghe smell of the dog to some form of putrefying animal....make it like a undead wolf as it were.

As for the smells and sounds of the forest, considering I live in the countryside I can probably think of some suitable descriptors if I dream enough.