Just a vision I had on the train - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Omnisu · 05-12-2008, 08:04 AM

Quote:

Well even still I would like them to read the take III post as that is the most up-to-date version and is the work in progress.

Except it's several posts down in the thread. Edit the original post, and people just coming to the thread will see it right away. As it was, I read the first version, scrolled down, saw the new version, got mildly annoyed and skipped it.

Singularis · 05-12-2008, 12:16 PM

Okay that is a very good point. The most recent one is now the first post

Singularis · 05-17-2008, 05:38 PM

See post one. I updated it (overwrote it with a new draft) on the 17th May, so it's very recent ^^

Singularis · 05-24-2008, 11:44 AM

Newly updated piece.

Nevermore · 05-28-2008, 07:07 PM

Hi Singularis

Sorry it's been so long since i posted last, but i've had a lot going on. However, this story has been at the back of my mind for a while. Here's my critique;
The introduction of the decomposing smell to the wolf is a great idea but, i think you should try to explain what it smells like more than Jen's memory of it... I can imagine that would be hard if you haven't smelled anything that's rotted before, but perhaps you could ask around. Or failing that, leave some ham in a box for a week or so... I dunno, you'll work it out.
On a similar note, i think you should take out the little comments about Jen's history. You've got plenty of time to do this in other parts of the story, but at the moment these little digressions are halting the pace.
The mushrooms are an interesting dynamic, but I think its a dynamic too many. Perhaps used as a minor decoration to the wolf's entrance it would work, like 'as it stalked towards her, a ring of small mushrooms
proceeded it, like an aura of decaying life' or something similar; try to make them an addtion rather than a separate feature.
There are still phrases here and there which make reading a little bumpy. I think the best thing that could be done is to comb through and take out or edit the words that block the flow.
As much as Jen's history was slowing the action, it was nice to hear more about her. Every time i read this story I like it more and more, keep it up!

Singularis · 05-29-2008, 06:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nevermore

(Enter Nevermore)
...
A general comment would be to use sensory imagery to create links of memory for your reader. Focus on smells, textures, the more unique sounds, bring them to your reader and they will relate.
Also, there are still slivers of technical details that are riuning the sleek nautre of your story's structure. Like your sentences, the bits that don't flow will become obvious in time.
There was a reference to 'bowels' in there that made me think, 'Uhh... eew.' The use of bodily imagery can create a lot of drama, but this just make think of, well.. nastiness. Perhaps 'stomach' would make a good substituion.

Finally, with Ungood's comment in mind, I think you should you type Bernard's Letter into Goggle and watch the think thing you find. In fact, I think everyone should do this. I think I'll make this part of my signature. it might even be down there now...

Nice critique but you have gone back on yourself with the comment about her history.

To me that in-bold statement means bring some of her history into it, which u just said I shouldn't do. I have already mentioned that it smells like rotten eggs, sweat, and drew in a memory to amplify the type of smelll it is. So I am confused as to what else I can put in there to describe the smell of a putrefying dog.

And the fact she recognises the woman is important so I shan't be removing that.

As for bumpy phrases, an example would be good, because I haven't managed to identify them in the 7 drafts I have done (The one you see is not radically different from the 7th...just less passive voice).

Thanks for the statements, I am just getting a little confused as to what you are meaning in certain things.

Sing

Nevermore · 06-04-2008, 11:29 AM

Hi Sing

Apologies again for the delay and for being too vague in my comments. What I meant was that you should cry to create link's to the reader's memory and senses, to help create good description. Sorry about that

I realise its important for the reader to know that Jen remember's a few things about her experiance her, so yes, leave them in. But there are still points where the action fades, particularly the paragraph beginning 'Once in the past Jen owned a dog...' I would remove this or shorten it a great deal.
As for the bumpy sentences, this is the first one I found on re-reading;

"Within a minute they started moving again and the bush that had attracted Jen’s attention moved suddenly and a cloaked figure ran straight toward her from its depths."

The two 'and's make this a run-on sentence. I don't like to do grammer checks, but really that's all the needs done. In most places the flow of your writing is clear and unintrusive.

I hope all this helps you

Nevermore