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| Critique and Advice Works seeking critique, advice or assistance. |
05-04-2008, 12:50 AM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Australia
Gender: Male
Posts: 304
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Suspense Thriller - Torture Porn
OK, this is my anti-hero foil for my main character in my short stories, however I'm currently using him as my main character in an RPG. This is mainly because he doesn't have supernatural abilities. Anyhow this little scene that follows is essentially the explanation of why he's such a hard arse. Or how he became a hard arse.
The problem is I have no reason for him being in such a situation or plan for his escape. He does escape of course because this is his road to damascus and its set earlier in his life.
The one idea I've got atm is some other character says "Why are you such a hard arse?" then cut to this as a flashback.
I don't feel that's enough of a story though for the intro & I still have no ending. So I'd appreciate what you can offer.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Her hair swayed in the breeze undulating between the colour of chocolate and licorice. Her skin glowed a milk white alabaster and her touch as soft as silk caressed him.
The silk bit deep into Murphy's flesh as she tightened her grip.
Welcome to Kosovo.
She had her victim tied to the bed. His arms were spread shoulder width apart and bent at the elbows. His legs were bound together and a gag stuffed in his mouth. The victim was effectively rendered immobile.
Moonlight kissed his flesh as she slid the scalpel down the chest cavity making a surgical incision.
"You said you would give me your heart," She smiled at him as the sedative took its course.
She leant over his body until her silky sable hair sway tickled his face. Impulsively she put her face close to his, her blue eyes stared into his and she gave him a tender kiss.
"In moments you will begin to feel a searing pain. Don't worry it wont last long." She reached for a revolver on a nearby chair. She spun the chambered barrel and giggled with delight.
She pulled the gag from his mouth. Murphy moaned softly. She shoved the pistol's barrel into the void.
"Now there seems to be something familiar about this." She put a finger on her lips in a moment of mock thought. "Oh right! I'm usually on the other end of this."
She slid her spare hand down to his crotch and grabbed a handful. "It's not real attentive now is it?"
Murphy moaned again, as best as he could around a gun barrel shoved into his mouth. Showing great dexterity she cocked the revolver with her thumb and pulled the trigger.
Click.
Murphy flinched. "Do not worry my love. There is only one live round."
Murphy's eyes were wide now. A trickle of sweat had begun to form on his brow.
"I see you do have some feelings after all. It is not like you to be caught with your pants down." She squeezed the contents of her fist as she pulled the trigger again and again.
Click.
Click.
Click.
The revolver's chamber spun faster and faster. Murphy flinched every time. Her broad beamed smile would have illuminated the room any other time. Murphy's breath grew heavier and heavier with each pull of the trigger. Rivulets of sweat dripped from his jaw.
Delicate peals of laughter filled the room. She pulled the gun from his mouth and released her grip from his groin.
She tossed the gun on the floor and shoved the spittle soaked gag back into Murphy's mouth.
Murphy grimaced. He gritted his teeth. Pools of sweat dripped onto his pillow. Pain was gathering momentum.
An unadulterated scream reverberated off the roof of his mouth as she peeled back the latissimus dorsi. A furnace of pain erupted from Murphy's gaping wound.
__________________
Heart, Faith, Steel
Latest Work: Oz II, Oz
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05-04-2008, 02:07 AM
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#2
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Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 11
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I really liked this...very powerful, sexual and evocative...Read through it without stopping, and for me thats real rare, my concentration span sucks... couple of things I'd personally alter...
'The victim was effectively rendered immobile.'
This goes without saying, based on the description that precedes it. In my opinion, it doesnt need to be said, and slows down the path to reaching the more exciting action.
'her silky sable hair '
Perhaps overusing the word 'silky'? It was used to describe her skin too...Personally I'd look for another adjective, or leave it at simply 'sable'...
Other than that there are a few things I may change personally, but not for technical reasons, just for semantic preference...And as for this as a flashback as to why he became a 'hard arse' I think it fits well, even though its perhaps a touch cliched (think rambo's flashbacks in his films etc)...But its a formula that has been proven to work over time, and if handled in a captivating way, I see no reason why it cant be convincing...
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05-04-2008, 11:40 AM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Around - On the Road
Gender: Male
Posts: 467
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Why is she cutting his back his back muscles if she is going to crave out his heart?
Also, technical terms are killers, unless they are "Part of the Story' IE: a medical doctor is talking or something, they might go over the normal reader (Like me.. I had to look up what a latissimus dorsi was)
Also, Flashback is cool, good pose and flowed well.
All in all, I liked it.
Ungood.
__________________
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05-04-2008, 02:37 PM
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#4
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Scandinavia
Gender: Female
Posts: 845
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I was also quite riveted by this. All except for the opening two sentences of description--those didn't do anything for me. And actually, since you describe her hair later where it's actually a part of the action, and therefore, more appropriate, I don't think you even need that first paragraph.
Also, like Ungood, the latissimus dorsi thing tripped me up. I've taken goodness knows how many anatomy/physiology courses not all that long ago, but I still had to pause to remember what that was. Use the lay term for it, eh?
Well done, though. Nice read. 
__________________
“Lee Pennington has been published in more than 300 magazines—and rejected so many thousand times that in one six-month period he papered all four walls of a room with rejection slips.”
--Andre Bernard, Bill Henderson, Rotten Rejections
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05-04-2008, 03:25 PM
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#5
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Crossmaglen, Ireland.
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,046
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* * * * * * * * * * * *
Her hair swayed in the breeze, undulating (are you saying the colour is "undulating". That word means to "move with a smooth wave-like motion. But the way this is worded makes me think that the colour is undulating) between the colour of chocolate and licorice. Her skin glowed a milk white alabaster and her touch as soft as silk caressed him (this sentence is a touch confusing. Maybe after "touch" you should put in bracketing commas, i.e. "her touch, soft as silk, caressed him. You don't need "as" twice).
The silk bit deep into Murphy's flesh as she tightened her grip.
Welcome to Kosovo.
She had her victim tied to the bed. His arms were spread shoulder width apart and bent at the elbows (combining these two sentences will keep the flow going. So, "She had her victim tied to the bed, his arms spread shoulder width apart...). His legs were bound together and a gag stuffed in his mouth. The victim was effectively rendered immobile.
Moonlight kissed his flesh as she slid the scalpel down the chest cavity, making a surgical incision.
"You said you would give me your heart," [s]he smiled at him as the sedative took its course.
She leant (leaned. I think "leant" is a word, though I'm not sure) over his body until her silky, sable hair sway tickled his face. Impulsively she put her face close to his. [H]er blue eyes stared into his and she gave him a tender kiss.
"In moments you will begin to feel a searing pain. Don't worry, it wont last long." She reached for a revolver on a nearby chair. She spun the chambered barrel and giggled with delight.
She pulled the gag from his mouth. Murphy moaned softly. She shoved the pistol's barrel into the void.
"Now there seems to be something familiar about this." She put a finger on her lips in a moment of mock thought. "Oh right! I'm usually on the other end of this."
She slid her spare hand down to his crotch and grabbed a handful. "It's not real attentive now is it?"
Murphy moaned again, as best as he could around a gun barrel shoved into his mouth. Showing great dexterity she cocked the revolver with her thumb and pulled the trigger.
Click.
Murphy flinched. "Do not worry my love. There is only one live round."
Murphy's eyes were wide now. A trickle of sweat had begun to form on his brow.
"I see you do have some feelings after all. It is not like you to be caught with your pants down." She squeezed the contents of her fist as she pulled the trigger again and again.
Click.
Click.
Click.
The revolver's chamber spun faster and faster. Murphy flinched every time. Her broad beamed smile would have illuminated the room any other time. Murphy's breath grew heavier and heavier with each pull of the trigger. Rivulets of sweat dripped from his jaw.
Delicate peals of laughter filled the room. She pulled the gun from his mouth and released her grip from his groin.
She tossed the gun on the floor and shoved the spittle soaked gag back into Murphy's mouth.
Murphy grimaced. He gritted his teeth. Pools of sweat dripped onto his pillow. Pain was gathering momentum.
An unadulterated scream reverberated off the roof of his mouth as she peeled back the latissimus dorsi. A furnace of pain erupted from Murphy's gaping wound.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few mistakes, but a great piece. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. You kept the suspension there until the end. Keep going with it.
If I was going to be hyper-critical, I'd say that there is a lot of telling here, but even so, it doesn't detract from the story. Well done.
Sam.
__________________
To those who live by and never stray from the creedo of "show, don't tell," here's a thought - it's called storytelling not storyshowing.
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05-04-2008, 04:04 PM
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#6
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,708
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I have nothing against violence in literature -- American Psycho, for example, which I liked. But violence just for the sake of it does nothing for me. Here it's just wrapped in some sort poetic language that is supposed to be evocative. It doesn't work for me.
Yeah, porn is about right. Not much redeeming value.
__________________
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
-- Albert Einstein
"I am really only interested in a fiction of miracles."
-- Flannery O'Connor
Last edited by JosephB : 05-04-2008 at 05:23 PM.
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05-04-2008, 10:55 PM
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#7
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Australia
Gender: Male
Posts: 304
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Joseph B, I wonder if you read the intro before the story. Otherwise fair enough.
Sam, I took some of your advice on board but not all. The parts I did not take is where I thought the flow of the story would be stilted. And yes it is meant to be the colour undulating, looking a different shade of colour each time you look at it.
Tiamat, the opening sentences is what inspired the lot and I'm quite fond of it. Without that, none of this would ever be.
Ungood - With the Latissimus Dorsi - I looked up heart surgery and all those sorts of things and couldn't find any decent information. I hazarded a guess at that you'd have to go through muscle to get to the Heart. The original word I used was 'flesh' which just didn't sound right especially when I used the word in a similar context earlier. So any further advice on what word(s) to use there would be appreciated. Decaying flesh' maybe?
Zack - I've used 'rendered immobile' more for emphasis there given the nature of the story. I agree with the 'silky' hair thing but 'shiny' didn't work there either - I have since changed it to 'rich'.
As for cliches - I think they're often ill defined on this forum and by most people at large, to me a cliche isn't trite, it is a truth or truism and that's why eventually they become cliches. First of all it is a woman torturing a man, so it is a little less cliche and it is not nearly as cliche as the death of a loved one turning someone into a hardarse.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Her hair swayed in the breeze undulating between the colour of chocolate and licorice. Her skin glowed a milk white alabaster and her touch, soft as silk, caressed him.
The silk bit deep into Murphy's flesh as she tightened her grip.
Welcome to Kosovo.
She had her victim tied to the bed. His arms were spread shoulder width apart and bent at the elbows. His legs were bound together and a gag stuffed in his mouth. The victim was effectively rendered immobile.
Moonlight kissed his flesh as she slid the scalpel down the chest cavity making a surgical incision.
"You said you would give me your heart," she smiled at him as the sedative took its course.
She leant over his body until her rich sable hair tickled his face. Impulsively she put her face close to his, her blue eyes stared into his, and she gave him a tender kiss.
"In moments you will begin to feel a searing pain. Don't worry it wont last long." She reached for a revolver on a nearby chair. She spun the chambered barrel and giggled with delight.
She pulled the gag from his mouth. Murphy moaned softly. She shoved the pistol's barrel into the void.
"Now there seems to be something familiar about this." She put a finger on her lips in a moment of mock thought. "Oh right! I'm usually on the other end of this."
She slid her spare hand down to his crotch and grabbed a handful. "It's not real attentive now is it?"
Murphy moaned again, as best as he could around a gun barrel shoved into his mouth. Showing great dexterity she cocked the revolver with her thumb and pulled the trigger.
Click.
Murphy flinched. "Do not worry my love. There is only one live round."
Murphy's eyes were wide now. A trickle of sweat had begun to form on his brow.
"I see you do have some feelings after all. It is not like you to be caught with your pants down." She squeezed the contents of her fist as she pulled the trigger again and again.
Click.
Click.
Click.
The revolver's chamber spun faster and faster. Murphy flinched every time. Her broad beamed smile would have illuminated the room any other time. Murphy's breath grew heavier and heavier with each pull of the trigger. Rivulets of sweat dripped from his jaw.
Delicate peals of laughter filled the room. She pulled the gun from his mouth and released her grip from his groin.
She tossed the gun on the floor and shoved the spittle soaked gag back into Murphy's mouth.
Murphy grimaced. He gritted his teeth. Pools of sweat dripped onto his pillow. Pain was gathering momentum.
An unadulterated scream reverberated off the roof of his mouth as she peeled back the latissimus dorsi. A furnace of pain erupted from Murphy's gaping wound.
__________________
Heart, Faith, Steel
Latest Work: Oz II, Oz
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05-04-2008, 11:09 PM
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#8
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,708
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You know, I'm not good about reading those intros. I should work on that!
__________________
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
-- Albert Einstein
"I am really only interested in a fiction of miracles."
-- Flannery O'Connor
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05-08-2008, 07:35 PM
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#9
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 1,381
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More like Romance than Horror.
__________________
When you try to impress, instead of communicating the written word, you have already failed as a writer; and if you're writing to be loved, instead of loving to write, you should not be called on.
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05-08-2008, 08:27 PM
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#10
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Scribe
Join Date: Apr 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 65
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The title caught my eye instantly, I am a 15 year old guy after all, and when I read the story I liked it. Keep going!
__________________
I'm not a pathetically horrible adult writer. I'm a pathetically horrible teen writer. There is a difference.
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