Aterin™

Hello, it's me again...I'm still having trouble with this first section out of Ch. 1; to me it doesn't come out right when I read it to myself. Any suggestions/comments/rants are much appreciated. Sorry in advance it's so long.

What an eventful night it had turned out to be in Tartessos. On a typical night there were few guards patrolling the quiet streets, mostly because the men were too indulged in the overabundance of wine that the Tartessian King, Lord Julius, furnished them. But they weren’t doing that tonight; the entire military had been summoned to search the entirety of the city, though it wasn’t clear who or what they were searching for. Regardless, their desperation in letting no one in or out of the palace and the large number of soldiers around the city made it very clear what had happened; an attempt at Lord Julius’s life had been made.

The rumor about the man seen running out of the palace with a woman clutched in his arms had quickly spread all over the city. And the guards’ immediate denial of such a thing happening only helped to confirm the rumors legitimacy. Some people claim that it was the soon to be queen, Emelia, that was in the man’s arms, others claimed that it was one of Julius’s many slave girls, and some were dead sure that it was nothing more than a bunch of rolled up green robes. Was this man trying to start a rebellion against the tyrannical Tartessian regime? Sure there had been heroes before, but Julius just killed them plus any living family to show that his judgment was absolute and that a rebellion of any kind would only result in death. But the hope of someone overthrowing this tyrant, no matter how small, was enough to keep the people believing.

Out of the jumbled mess of soldiers and civilians a taller than average man appeared, his black Tartessian style armor brilliantly shined in the moonlight as he walked into the courtyard though the rusty iron doors. Climbing the marble staircase Diego, the famous General of the Battle of the Sarku, started to mumble to himself about the weight of this new thicker armor. Even though it protects you twice as good as the original style was it really necessary to make it twice as heavy? The two bronze statues of Zeus and Hades, both permanently locked in combat with the other, seemed to rise up from the ground the closer he got to the top. After he reached the top of the staircase and passed under the statues, he was in view of the majestic Royal Palace of Tartessos; the gold encased columns that surrounded the palace gleamed every time the moons’ light hit them.

Diego was surprised to find the double iron doors that usually stood unguarded were tonight being guarded by two incompetent looking soldiers. Diego half expected the two to respectively open the doors, seeing as he was a general of the highest rank that’s the least they could have done. But there wasn’t any movement from the two the closer he got. He reached for the doors to open them himself, but the two guards immediately blocked his attempt with their spears. Frustrated, Diego grabbed both of the guards by the collar of their chest plates.

“Move,” Diego said.
“Our orders are to let no one inside,” the guard on the left said.
“And who ordered this?”
“Lord Julius,” said the guard on the right.
“Do you know who I am? I’m the General of the First Battalion!”
“That may be, but we still have our orders,” said the guard on the right.

With a loud thud the iron doors burst open; Diego stepped in the doorway and as he brushed the dust off his armor he stomped the guards with his foot. Then he picked their spears up and threw them down the stairway into the courtyard below. If this had been any other day Diego would have killed them for their disrespect, but he had more important things to worry about than two inept guards. In his ten years of service to the Tartessian throne Diego had only reported only one failure to Lord Julius, and judging from how Lord Julius reacted to that loss Diego could very well be walking into his own execution.

After the long walk down the corridor, Diego stood in the large, oddly decorated Tartessian throne room. Ugly, demonic stone creatures stood in every corner of the room, their sparkling red eyes seemed to stare right through any visitor as they entered, something that was always weird and distracting to him. In the center of this dimly lit room stood the shadowed figure of Julius, a long bladed sword tightly clutched in his right hand. Julius immediately sheathed the sword and combed his fingers through his dirty brown hair as Diego walked in. The bloodstains on Julius’ white long sleeved shirt gleamed from the flickers of light that came off the torches that lined the stone walls.

“For your sake, I hope you brought good news Diego,” said Julius.
“You’re not going to say hello?”
“Did you find Arieos or not?”
“Not exactly,” Diego glanced up at Julius before continuing, “You didn’t expect us to find someone like that right away did you?”
“More excuses,” Julius walked over to his dragon shaped throne and plopped himself down; he slowly rubbed his eyes as he continued; “I have to find him before he escapes Tartessos. If he leaves then everything I’ve worked for, not to mention years of planning, will be worthless.”
“You mean catch him before he leaves with a piece of the keystone right?”
“Of course I am; the whole entirety of my plan depends on that piece! And knowing this you still let him run right out the door!"
“He was once a Warlord of equal or even greater power than your own! How do you expect us to catch a man that you yourself couldn’t stop?”

Angered, Julius rose from his throne, grabbed his sword, and jabbed the hilt directly into Diego’s jaw. Diego fell to the ground spitting blood out of his mouth; Julius unsheathed his sword and pointed the tip at Diego’s throat.

“What did you say?! Remember who it was Diego that made you who you are today, if not for me you’d be dead right not. But do not worry, I will give you one more chance to find my keystone. I trust you realized failure will not be tolerated this time.”
“Wha…what about that woman Emelia? You should know that she’s with him now!”
“That one,” Julius turned around and slowly walked back to his throne, “Why should her fate be of any importance to me?”
“I will not fail you again,” Diego stuttered as he got off the ground and walked out of the room.
Once Julius heard the iron doors slam shut he reached into the mouth of one of the stone creatures and pulled out a small, metallic pendant. He slowly traced the symbol that had been engraved into it several times before grabbing it by the hemp that had been tied on it. The pendant seemed to fascinate Julius, almost as if it was showing him why he had kept it for so many years. But now this pendant was nothing more than a symbol of deception and betrayal. Quickly he walked over to one of the many torches lining the walls and threw the pendant into it, watching as it slowly melted into a small metallic puddle.

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DeVorn

This isn't a good opening sentence. It accomplishes the basics (informing us as to setting and plot), but otherwise it fails on all counts; it's a wishy-washy example of passive voice that has that 'in Tartessos' part tacked on like a picture of filet mignon slapped down next to a salisbury steak.

"That night in Tartessos was eventful" would be better, but it's still a bland and flavorless dish. This is my bias, but--if an opening sentence doesn't catch my attention, I usually don't bother with the read, so I aim to make my openers as juicy as possible.

How about "That was the night that all Hell broke out in Tartessos."? It's still a little cliche, of course. I'm sleepy and can't think of a good alternative at the moment.

I know it's pretty cheap of me to just talk about the opening line and run, but I'm exhausted and heading to bed; I'll try to read the rest later.

The Duke

You seem to be trying too hard. At times you use a very highbrow (and in my opinion rather pretentious) language and other times the language is weak and unsophisticated.

It just feels as if your reaching. As if your attempting a style you haven't yet mastered. And don't get me wrong, that's how you learn! But it sounds awfully rough while you're learning.

Desperation isn't really the word you want. Their determination, their insistence, their desperate attempts; not their desperation.

I hate to jump ship and leave in the middle of this, but I've just had a bit of an emergency. This could use a good bit of work. Keep at it and I'm sure it'll improve.

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Aterin™

Thank you DeVorn and The Duke, you've given me something to think about.

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