animator

I thought that if I right short storys I could get better at my writing
like I said in my title this it a very short story
304 words


I looked out at the window, the sun hidden behind layers of cloud, thinking about my walk home. All my friends were going to the movies (being the last day of school and all) and I would walk home alone. I had been invited to come, along with most of the school, but had forgotten to ask my mum. It was my sixth, and last, period and one of my worst lessons yet. I had stuck my hand up five times before actually thinking of an answer. I was a smart kid and wasn’t small on confidence but I couldn’t concentrate. Whether it be the rain on the window or the fact I wasn’t going out, I’ll never know.

On my way home I see some boys heading for the cinema.
“What you doing Peter? Gonna go to bed early?” James shouted across the road, the other two sniggered. I turned my back on them taking a new route home.
I wipe tears from my eyes “at least I don’t have to see them for another 6 weeks” I whisper to myself.

The first week of the summer holidays pasted uneventful until mum shouted
“Peter get down here. There’s something you need to see!” I run downstairs and into the kitchen. Mum’s pushed her eggs aside and was reading the mourning paper
“What was the name of that cinema you were talking about” mum says sorrowfully
“Oh, um…it’s just called the plaza, it’s more then a cinema. Why?” I look at the front page, A picture of a half a building, looks like it’s in construction.
“It’s the plaza” mum says following my gaze “a suicide bomber got inside”
“And” I said automatically
“He blew up”

Peter felt a lot more grateful he never asked his mum to go out. A lot more grateful

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atmyexpense

aside from the basic grammatical mistakes concerning dialogue, the story is rather cliche. Everyone has heard of the story about a guy/girl who, at the last minute decides not to get on a plane, and later on, he/she finds out the plane crashed.

phurst

On my way home I see some boys heading for the cinema. - I saw
The first week of the summer holidays pasted uneventful until mum shouted - '..holidays passed.. ' Comma after shouted.
I run downstairs and into the kitchen - Decide on wheather you are using present or past tense and only use one. See present, Saw - past, Run - present, ran - past.
Mum’s pushed her eggs aside and was reading the mourning paper - Mum has pushed and was reading - past tense
I look at the front page - I look is present tense

Short fiction such as this is called Flash Fiction and you are correct, it's a good way to hone your skills. Good luck.

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Wallmaker

I agree with these guys here. This is... familiar, but also the wish fufillment/ex machina type...which don't make a satisfying story. The beginning is fine. Sounds like the narrator has two problems which I find interesting and have conflict you can use to write: guy can't go to movies with friends and some guys are mean to the narrator.

But look where it goes. Instead of having your character work on either problem that he talks about in the first half (the movies or the bullies) some outside, random, but also highly convienent force has eliminated one of his problems completely. This is what I mean by it being an ex machina device. The character's problem was litterally taken away from him and solved without any effort. But really, in story telling, we LOVE characters that work on their problems and try to fix them and either fail or triumph. We don't love to hear stories where in the end, some outside force is going to take care of the character's problems! It'd be like a sports team winning the national championships becuase the other team forfiets. That win doesn't feel earned, does it?

Nor does this.

So, look at your first half. You're character has 2 problems. Not going to the movies and bullies. Focus on one you want your character to pursue. If it were me, I'd have my character devise a plan to sneak off to the movies anyway, running into the complication of avoiding bullies, etc, on the way or there. (Now the 2 problems are interwoven). If the character makes it to the movies: it's a triumph! If he fails to get their on time, he fails, but maybe wins another way or by learning something else.

Since you are doing a flash fiction, maybe get rid of one of the conflicts, the movies, and just focus on the bully confrontation, or vice versa.

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HippoHead

why is it that a suicide bomber blowing up a cinema is only big news a week later?

and why is he crying over not going to the movies? or was the absoultely rubbish attempt at an insult from the bullies the cause for the tears?

and it was just a chance coincidence - he can't be grateful, it's not like she knew there was gonna be a bomber. it's like introducing a moral that doesn't exist.

also, his friends have all been killed, yet that's never commented on.

this story befuddles me.

Ungood

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