lin

So back to the central question.

Does Richard get in Anne's pants, or not?

__________________

chunkyleechong

lol, well, eventually he does. I have a basic outline of the story in my head. It's not just about a teen's life. I plan to have part of it taking place with Richard as a teen, then in his twenties and thirties. The story has a supernatural part of it that I haven't revealed yet, but I will soon.

FirstEdit

For 16 years old, you are a very good writer! Your long sentences are ok as long as you follow all of the grammar rules. Look up semicolons and compound sentences in any English grammar book. Some sentences can be craftily added together with other words. Some sentences just need to be on their own. Keep working on that novel. Don't worry about how someone else does it. Be yourself. I do free critiquing on my website. You'll have to e-mail me if you want more info. Windy00@verizon.net. I usually have two stories going at once and a whole list of others that I add ideas to whenever I think of something unique. Why don't you try a short story? I'll help you get it ready for free. Enter a free contest. Write 'free writing contests' into your browser and see if anything sounds like a challenge to you. You have to be brave to let writing forums of any kind critique your work! You get a big star for posting your novel! Don't give up!

littlegreenbob

I said it read like he is trying to write how he thinks novels are written and he admitted that he wrote it that way because of what he had read.

For me it stood out like a sore thumb.

Reading is one part of writing, but it is really about understanding, not imitation.

I will show you what I was getting at:

The time when he realized he was different and didn't just suspect it or think it was a possibility was in the summer of 1999, when he was 15 years old. Two weeks after school was out, Richard was out at the movies with his friends.

If the Narrator was going to introduce the name then why hold it off? Why not write:

The time when Richard realized he was different...

I didnt say its a bad thing to hold off the character name.

But there are better ways to introduce it later on. One way would be if the name was introduced by a character.

The time when he realized he was different and didn't just suspect it or think it was a possibility was in the summer of 1999, when he was 15 years old. Two weeks after school was out, he was out at the movies with his friends.

"This is going to be one hell of a movie Richard," his mate said slapping his back.

"Yeah," Richard replied disinterested.

Or if he was fishing for a student card and saw his name on his ID.

It just read strange to me that he would hold the name off one sentence and then give it to the reader the next.

Thats what I was getting at.

I never pretend I know everything. Perhaps I should have written "I think" and "In my opinion" but I didnt.

I am not offended by your flaming because you are one of the people on this forum I look up to as knowledgable and well read.

The best I can do is offer my advice and if I am wrong then one of the 'senior' writers can point it out. Then I can learn too.

I dont retract my nitwit advice because it didnt work for me. But thats my opinion.

lin

The much more important question is WHY SHOULD HE write it that way, instead of the way he did.

Your other "better ways" are not better at all. They are, in fact clumsy exposition.
There is no need to lead with a name, and no need to shoehorn it in somewhere else. What he did was just fine.

__________________

anicabache

Everything was almost perfect. There are just some spelling and grammar errors that needs to be corrected. But overall, the whole composition flows just fine.

Keep it up. You're doing great!

__________________
Custom Term Paper