DeVorn

Thank you. It means a tremendous amount to me to hear someone say that this is publishable; I've long been crippled with ennui concerning whether this sort of thing would be able to 'make' it in a publishable market, and it gives me the motivation to give it a fair shake of a try (motivation I obviously should have on my own, but I'm a pretty listless character).

The links are also great--the Star Wars steampunk remake in particular gave me a lot of ideas I hadn't thought of.

I was mulling over online magazines for their accessibility once I finish the narrative (if it's too big to be put forward in book form--or alternatively, if I want to try and publish it as a serial), but I wasn't sure where to start; I'll bring up the AAIM later and bookmark it.

Also, I'm very familiar with Miyazaki's stuff and absolutely love it--it's often too kid-friendly for my tastes (I don't like how all loose ends are tied up and everything turns a-okay at the end of most of his movies, as I'm pretty cynical at my core), but both the themes and ideas (Howl's Castle in particular) are a great source for inspiration. Never saw/heard of Putana or Porco Russo, though.

Katastrof

Well when I started reading I thought you were crazy to not like your prose, but as I read more, I'm beginning to see why you're worried. Now, I can see why you want to fix it but IMO it's not that much of a problem; you already have a fantastic style that I would reluctantly tell you to give up. Hell, if you did give it up I'd probably take it from you because its that good. Like Lin said, its certainly publishable. But anyways here's what I saw:

Whatever you do, do not change this. Amazing opening. I got that it was a railroad; the imagery is really that good. Now granted if i didn't know this was steampunk I probably wouldn't get some of the imagery, but I think if you get this published, the cover will do enough to clue the reader in. Really the only other thing I can suggest is to put a little more description of the scenery throughout the narrative to build the world. But just a little.

The bold part came off as a bit wordy to me and a bit soon. Maybe change some words around and place the description a little later in the scene (Like after a few lines of dialog); I think it would help the flow.

Also the underlined bit should probably be a new paragraph.


About your jokes:

Have you ever read Kurt Vonnegut? If not I suggest you do, he's an amazing satirist and his novels are laced with humor. Reading a bit of your story, I can say you have a good sense of humor and I laughed at a few bits. However, I think it does kinda get old, because the minute it starts centering more about the story you cut the scene and then start off with another scene which just happens to have a punchline. Really I think your problem is too short of scenes, not too many jokes. Adding more to each scene could help balance it out.

Anyways back to Kurt Vonnegut, read some of his novels and take note on how he balances the satirical aspects with the plot. He does a really good at humor without sacrificing the story, which I think is what you're worried about. But still you don't even have to do that and you would still have a good book on your hands...

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lin

oops, for give me. I meant Laputa (the mistake makes more sense if you speak Spanish ) Also known as "Castle in the Sky"

Porco Rosso is really cool: a pig pilot flying WWI type planes around an Adriatic type archipelago, sky-pirates and all that.

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DeVorn

I adjusted the wording very lightly to make it more clear we're talking about a railroad (specifically, I changed "United Railways" to "railroad"). I think that should do the trick.

I see precisely what you mean and I've changed it in the new draft.

I also took to heart what you mentioned about the scenes not having enough meat to them (I was thinking the same thing, especially the scene with the owner of the trains) and made further changes. I've had Kurt Vonnegut recommended to me, but I've never given him a shot--at some point I plan on sitting down with a copy of Slaughterhouse Five (some of the things I've heard about him doing in there strike me as absolutely awesome).

I think one of the ways I'm going to do this is make sure that there is never a major joke that exists for its own sake; all the big jokes are plot-relevant. That is to say, if a joke sounds like it's something important, it probably will be later on--even characters.

I loved a lot of elements in Castle in the Sky; I've never heard of Porco Rosso, though, but I'll definitely keep an eye open for it. And on the subject of Spanish speaking--I'm actually a sobbing fanboy of Jorge Luis Borges and totally want to put references to some of his stuff in here. If I can manage it.

I'm posting the (now complete) first draft of chapter 1 here for feedback purposes.

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lin

I'm a major Borges worshipper, as well.
And yeah, a lot of his concepts and just general world image would be perfect for you.

Are you aware of Italo Calvino? Not just the SFesque Cosmicomics, but also "Invisible Cities"?

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Wildcard

This guy Snips reminds me so much of Cpt. Jack Sparrow. This concept would definately make a good movie idea.

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DeVorn

No, but if he's anything like Borges, I'll definitely look him up.