spiderwitch

Hi I am trying to complete a story and welcome some fresh thought on this section pasted in this message.

Antoinette sat by herself on a bench at Hemlock Ravine Park. Shivering from the cold wind in her burgundy dress, she tied Jason’s leather jacket tighter around her. The scent of leather brought tears to her eyes. She studied the sky, trying to find some solace from the bright stars.
She was waiting for someone. She looked at the entrance to the park but he had not arrived yet. Antoinette thought about her mother Lydia. She had moved into the manor and rented out rooms to students. Antoinette checked the gate again, but noon was there.
She bowed her head. Her chin trembled as she glumly toyed with the tissue in her hands. She would not blame Jason if he never arrived. He had suffered the vampires’ assault and was badly hurt. She saw the heart-shaped pond and
Dracian lay in the ornate coffin. Antoinette read the runic letters on the sides of the sealed coffin that spelled his name. She tapped the coffin with her hand and gazed at it for a long time then walked away.
Raven entered the cemetery and approached her. His steps were heavy. She looked up, and greeted him.
“Will you look after everything, Raven?” She asked, rising from her seat.
He was silent for a moment. The cold wind blew but he nodded. “Yes, Antoinette. Everything will be fine.”
“He’s gone. It is all my fault.” Antoinette cast her eyes down and choked back sobs. “I tried to protect him.”
“I know. There is still hope. Don’t give up.” He watched her as she walked away.
Raven walked up to the coffin and sat down, beginning his nightly watch. He wore a serious expression and glanced around the cemetery.
Antoinette started to leave then stopped. She turned and looked at him. She took his hand. He was surprised.
“Raven? Be well. Take care.”
“It is my responsibility to watch over it at night… but I shall try. Thank-you.” Raven cheered up a bit.
She left.
She went to her father’s grave and nestled near the cold grave, knowing her father’s spirit was in peace. Cracked and dry leaves shivered near the solid stone coffin, blown by the biting cold wind. Pulling away the withered leaves, she read the letters of his name on the aged grave.
Antoinette loved the way that Jason took her arm as he had many times. There was always an air of poise with him that flowed, that and his warm eyes that she missed.
She understood now that to be a vampire that she needed to be alone, because that was the way it needed to be. She understood why she had to hide in darkness, pay a price, and make the absolute sacrifice. Jason’s absence made the pain unbearable. She cried and cried, alone.

Jason headed down Spring Garden Road with Rocky, eager to get home. It was safe to walk the streets of Halifax at night. Jason stopped when he neared the cemetery.
Antoinette was resting at her father’s grave.
He hesitated, holding Rocky’s leash in his hands to restrain him, and then entered.
Antoinette stirred. She sensed someone stood behind her.
“Antoinette,” he said. “My gracious lady.”
She jumped to her feet, recognizing Jason’s voice. She dried her tears.
Rocky bounded up to her, wagging his tail. She petted Rocky.
“Hello Jason,” she smiled through tears. “I am so happy to see you.”
“They finally released me from the hospital,” he said. “I’m sort of tired.”
He offered his arm and they walked away from the Old Burying Grounds cemetery.
She took his hand.
“Call me Annie, your Annie.”
He paused. “My Annie, yes.”
Rocky tugged on the leash that Jason held.
“I love you more than anything in the world,” she said and stroked his cheek.
They stopped at the Public Gardens. A wonderful feeling came over him. He felt the way he did when he crashed at her house many nights ago.
“I don’t want more old roses.” She leaned against the tall black wrought iron gates and looked at him. “I love you … this is where we shared our first kiss.”
“Do you remember that?” He stared at her.
“Every day.” She cast her eyes down.
“I do, too.” He gazed at her. They smiled.
“Hey cool,” Jason cupped her chin. “I need to remember how good it felt, just one more time.”
He drew her near and leaned in. They kissed each other.
“I still have a big problem.” She glanced at him, sighing heavily.
“Do you mean the vampire curse?”
“Yes.”
He nodded.
“I’m not sure how we can be together.”
“What do you mean?” he said.
“I want us to be together. There must be a way.”
“I know. You could drink a curing potion at the church Saint Mary’s Basilica. How would you feel about that,” he said, nearly losing Rocky’s leash.
She shrugged and cast her eyes down.
Jason sighed.
“I love you, Jason.”
“I love you too, Annie.” He looked for her fangs and tilted her chin. He pulled her into a deep kiss. For long moments they held each other in a kiss of true love.
She shook her head. “I can’t see you as a vampire,” and she looked into his warm eyes. “You have to kill to drink blood or you die. You have to feel repulsed and in ecstasy. You do it again and again when you promise yourself you won’t kill anymore.“
Jason watched Rocky play in front of them as they walked.
“Jason,” she said and smiled. “I was serious.” She took Rocky’s leash and they stopped to look back at the gates to the Public Gardens.
“How’s Lydia?” Jason wondered aloud.
“She is at the manor supervising the renovations. She has the home now. How’s Serena?”
“It’s quiet here.” They crossed the street. Jason stopped. “She still works at Little Mysteries, still magical.”
“Annie, what’s going on?’ he demanded. Flower buds blossomed on the trees.
“Jason, relax,” she flashed him a smile. They sat down on the bench.
“I don’t understand what’s going on?”
“I have a confession to make, Jason.” A harsh sound of pain crept in her voice. “I wanted to turn you in to a vampire.”
“What?” he sat up.
“I came close so many times to grabbing you and pushing my fangs in your throat. Dracian was right: it was my desire. It lived in my heart and tempted me to no end. I couldn’t help myself. I may even now desire it. I want to know what you want.”
“Why?” Jason searched in the eyes of the woman he loved for answers.
“I need to know because if I turned you into a vampire and I would drink your blood and live, though you may not. I would be forced to face that I turned you in to a monster or harmed you. Now I know I love you too much.” Tears fell down her cheeks. She picked up the sword and held it. “I know what your sword was for.”
“It’s not what you think, Annie,” he said, rising from the bench.
“I understand. You had to do what was right.” She stared at the sword. “It always belonged to you … as does my heart.”
He took the sword from her and set it near him. “Annie.” She turned and reached into her coat pocket. He gazed at her, and thought she was more beautiful than he had ever seen her. She handed him the letter he wrote her and the picture of her when she was in high school. He took them in his hand and looked at it and back at her.
“What is it?” he said. “This is you before you--“
“Changed into a vampire?” she interrupted him. “I think that for us to be together, one of us has to sacrifice something, a part of our heart or soul for the other,” she stood and smiled. “I long to be mortal. It’s the only way, see?”
Jason dreaded what was coming next.
“Annie,” he waved his hand. “Come on, let’s go home,” he led her away. The sun was setting, turning the sky a color of orange and crisp blue. Her eyes were riveted to the sunset.
“Would you choose, please?” she said urgently. “I didn’t have a choice, Jason.” She moistened her lips and her fangs throbbed. She controlled her inner wolf for blood.
“Annie, I swear to you. I will find a way to lift this curse you bear,” he said seriously. “I will free you from a future of darkness and blood.”
They found a bench and sat down. She settled in to his embrace, though tears came to her eyes. They kissed.
She gently held his bandaged arm. He flinched and she stopped. “I never want to hurt you. I will wait for you to find the way to lift the curse.” She stroked his unshaven cheek.
He ran his hands through her dark wavy hair.
“I will find a way, Antoinette.” She glanced up. “Annie,” he corrected himself with a smile.
“Can you love a vampire, and its Annie, if you don’t mind,” she said.
Rocky barked and wagged his tail. Jason studied the stars under the twilight sky. In reflex, his hand reached for the sword Silverflame but the stars shone brightly.
Antoinette read the poem from Dracian.
Solitude
On a dark November eve
As I scurry home
A sea captivates me
of somber tombstones
rising from a hill.

Misty clouds paint the sky
flowers crown the tombs
thin bare black copses of trees
buoyantly sway in a lively ballet
guided by the invisible conductor, the wind.

Death pounces on my psyche
lucid spirits drift across the frozen ground
silent screams echo across the
barren land of the dead.

Deep breathe of life
denied to these soulless corpses
spirit my winged feet home.

Crisp leaves twirl
in a crescendo of colors
round the masquerade of the cold graveyard
waltzed by the wind.

Covering the ground with a patchwork
of warmth that belies the idleness
to a final rest.

The colors of gold and crimson
leaves bleed into the rich soil,
promise of a resurrection.
The last line in the poem made Antoinette shudder. She folded it and put it in her pocket and let Jason put his arm around her. Jason took Rocky’s leash. They paused and were silent for a moment as they reflected on all that had happened. She smiled at him and watched the moon, a ghastly pearl in a sea of violet clouds.
Antoinette rested her head on his shoulder. She shut her eyes for a second, relishing the feeling. The wind blew her hair but he pushed her hair back from her cheek. His rough hands scratched her cheek. He ceased; worried his hands were too rough. She smiled at him and squeezed his hand.
“Annie, I love you.”
“Jason, I love you too.”
Stars danced above them as they walked away.

It is one of the final chapters at the end of the story and is a bit weak. Feel free to offer commentary or critiques. Thanks Spiderwitch

omginternetlord

The way you group some of your sentences seems a bit weird. The last line would sound so much better as "Studying the sky, she tried to find some solace from the bright stars."


Again here. The sentences seem out of place and disjointed. Don't you agree? It's difficult to make much sense of it.

Again here. Ugh. Does that really sound good as a single paragraph?

spiderwitch

Yes I agree, exactly. I will try to rewrite with these comments in mind. It is off because I had considered changing the scene where everything takes place, but didn't change the scene thru the rest of the chapter

Spiderwitch

spiderwitch

Antoinette sat by herself on a bench at Hemlock Ravine Park. Shivering from the cold wind in her burgundy dress, she tied Jason’s leather jacket tighter around her. It brought tears to her eyes. Studying the sky, she tried to find some solace from the bright stars.

I hope that sounds better

spiderwitch

Does anyone else have some ideas?

Thanks
Heddy

alias

Antoinette sat by herself on a bench at Hemlock Ravine Park. Shivering from the cold wind in her burgundy dress, she tied Jason’s leather jacket tighter around her. The scent of leather brought tears to her eyes. She studied the sky, trying to find some solace from (In might be a better word than from) the bright stars.
She was waiting for someone. She looked at the entrance to the park but he had not arrived yet.(Needs new paragraph seems out of context...? --->) Antoinette thought about her mother Lydia. She had moved into the manor and rented out rooms to students. Antoinette checked the gate again, but noon was there.
She bowed her head. Her chin trembled as she glumly toyed with the tissue in her hands. She would not blame Jason if he never arrived. He had suffered the vampires’ assault and was badly hurt. She saw the heart-shaped pond and
Dracian lay in the ornate coffin. Antoinette read the runic letters on the sides of the sealed coffin that spelled his name. She tapped the coffin with her hand and gazed at it for a long time then walked away.
Raven entered the cemetery and approached her. His steps were heavy. She looked up, and greeted him.
“Will you look after everything, Raven?” She asked, rising from her seat.
He was silent for a moment. The cold wind blew but he nodded. “Yes, Antoinette. Everything will be fine.”
“He’s gone. It is all my fault.” Antoinette cast her eyes down and choked back sobs. “I tried to protect him.”
“I know. There is still hope. Don’t give up.” He watched her as she walked away.
Raven walked up to the coffin and sat down, beginning his nightly watch. He wore a serious expression and glanced around the cemetery.
Antoinette started to leave then stopped. She turned and looked at him. She took his hand. He was surprised.
“Raven? Be well. Take care.” (Doesnt seem to make sense)
“It is my responsibility to watch over it at night… but I shall try. Thank-you (Thank You).” Raven cheered up a bit.
She left.
She went to her father’s grave and nestled near the cold grave (Repetition) , knowing her father’s spirit was in peace. Cracked and dry leaves shivered (Nice imagery) near the solid stone coffin, blown by the biting cold wind. Pulling away the withered leaves, she read the letters of his name on the aged grave.
Antoinette loved the way that Jason took her arm as he had many times. There was always an air of poise with him that flowed, that and his warm eyes that she missed.
She understood now that to be a vampire that she needed to be alone, because that was the way it needed to be. She understood why she had to hide in darkness, pay a price, and make the absolute sacrifice. Jason’s absence made the pain unbearable. She cried and cried, alone.

Jason headed down Spring Garden Road with Rocky, eager to get home. It was safe to walk the streets of Halifax at night. Jason stopped when he neared the cemetery.
Antoinette was resting at her father’s grave.
He hesitated, holding Rocky’s leash in his hands to restrain him, and then entered.
Antoinette stirred. She sensed someone stood behind her.
“Antoinette,” he said. “My gracious lady.”
She jumped to her feet, recognizing Jason’s voice. She dried her tears.
Rocky bounded up to her, wagging his tail. She petted Rocky.
“Hello Jason,” she smiled through tears. “I am so happy to see you.”
“They finally released me from the hospital,” he said. “I’m sort of tired.”
He offered his arm and they walked away from the Old Burying Grounds cemetery.
She took his hand.
“Call me Annie, your Annie.”
He paused. “My Annie, yes.”
Rocky tugged on the leash that Jason held.
“I love you more than anything in the world,” she said and stroked his cheek.
They stopped at the Public Gardens. A wonderful feeling came over him. He felt the way he did when he crashed at her house many nights ago.
“I don’t want more old roses.” She leaned against the tall black wrought iron gates and looked at him. “I love you … This is where we shared our first kiss.”
“Do you remember that?” He stared at her.
“Every day.” She cast her eyes down.
“I do, too.” He gazed at her. They smiled.
“Hey cool,” Jason cupped her chin. “I need to remember how good it felt, just one more time.”
He drew her near and leaned in. They kissed each other.
“I still have a big problem.” She glanced at him, sighing heavily.
“Do you mean the vampire curse?”
“Yes.”
He nodded.
“I’m not sure how we can be together.”
“What do you mean?” he said.
“I want us to be together. There must be a way.”
“I know. You could drink a curing potion at the church Saint Mary’s Basilica. How would you feel about that,” he said, nearly losing Rocky’s leash.
She shrugged and cast her eyes down.
Jason sighed.
“I love you, Jason.”
“I love you too, Annie.” He looked for her fangs and tilted her chin. He pulled her into a deep kiss. For long moments they held each other in a kiss of true love. There sentence doesnt seem to flow right. Maybe try "For long moments they held each other. Locked in a kiss of true love."
She shook her head. “I can’t see you as a vampire,” and she looked into his warm eyes. “You have to kill to drink blood or you die. You have to feel repulsed and in ecstasy. You do it again and again when you promise yourself you won’t kill anymore.“
Jason watched Rocky play in front of them as they walked.
“Jason,” she said and smiled. “I was serious.” She took Rocky’s leash and they stopped to look back at the gates to the Public Gardens.
“How’s Lydia?” Jason wondered aloud.
“She is at the manor supervising the renovations. She has the home now. How’s Serena?”
“It’s quiet here.” They crossed the street. Jason stopped. “She still works at Little Mysteries, still magical.”
“Annie, what’s going on?’ he demanded. Flower buds blossomed on the trees.
“Jason, relax,” she flashed him a smile. They sat down on the bench.
“I don’t understand what’s going on?”
“I have a confession to make, Jason.” A harsh sound of pain crept in her voice. “I wanted to turn you in to a vampire.”
“What?” he sat up.
“I came close so many times to grabbing you and pushing my fangs in your throat. Dracian was right: it was my desire. It lived in my heart and tempted me to no end. I couldn’t help myself. I may even now desire it. I want to know what you want.”
“Why?” Jason searched in the eyes of the woman he loved for answers.
“I need to know because if I turned you into a vampire and I would drink your blood and live, though you may not. I would be forced to face that I turned you in to a monster or harmed you. Now I know I love you too much.” Tears fell down her cheeks. She picked up the sword and held it. “I know what your sword was for.”
“It’s not what you think, Annie,” he said, rising from the bench.
“I understand. You had to do what was right.” She stared at the sword. “It always belonged to you … as does my heart.”
He took the sword from her and set it near him. “Annie.” She turned and reached into her coat pocket. He gazed at her, and thought she was more beautiful than he had ever seen her. She handed him the letter he wrote her and the picture of her when she was in high school. He took them in his hand and looked at it and back at her.
“What is it?” he said. “This is you before you--“
“Changed into a vampire?” she interrupted him. “I think that for us to be together, one of us has to sacrifice something, a part of our heart or soul for the other,” she stood and smiled. “I long to be mortal. It’s the only way, see?”
Jason dreaded what was coming next.
“Annie,” he waved his hand. “Come on, let’s go home,” he led her away. The sun was setting, turning the sky a color of orange and crisp blue (a colour cant be tow colours). Her eyes were riveted to the sunset.
“Would you choose, please?” she said urgently. “I didn’t have a choice, Jason.” She moistened her lips and her fangs throbbed. She controlled her inner wolf for blood.
“Annie, I swear to you. I will find a way to lift this curse you bear,” he said seriously. “I will free you from a future of darkness and blood.”
They found a bench and sat down. She settled in to his embrace, though tears came to her eyes. They kissed.
She gently held his bandaged arm. He flinched and she stopped. “I never want to hurt you. I will wait for you to find the way to lift the curse.” She stroked his unshaven cheek.
He ran his hands through her dark wavy hair.
“I will find a way, Antoinette.” She glanced up. “Annie,” he corrected himself with a smile.
“Can you love a vampire, and its Annie, if you don’t mind,” she said.
Rocky barked and wagged his tail. Jason studied the stars under the twilight sky. In reflex, his hand reached for the sword Silverflame but the stars shone brightly.
Antoinette read the poem from Dracian.
Solitude
On a dark November eve
As I scurry home
A sea captivates me
of somber tombstones
rising from a hill.

Misty clouds paint the sky
flowers crown the tombs
thin bare black copses of trees
buoyantly sway in a lively ballet
guided by the invisible conductor, the wind.

Death pounces on my psyche
lucid spirits drift across the frozen ground
silent screams echo across the
barren land of the dead.

Deep breathe of life
denied to these soulless corpses
spirit my winged feet home.

Crisp leaves twirl
in a crescendo of colors
round the masquerade of the cold graveyard
waltzed by the wind.

Covering the ground with a patchwork
of warmth that belies the idleness
to a final rest.

The colors of gold and crimson
leaves bleed into the rich soil,
promise of a resurrection.
The last line in the poem made Antoinette shudder. She folded it and put it in her pocket and let Jason put his arm around her. Jason took Rocky’s leash. They paused and were silent for a moment as they reflected on all that had happened. She smiled at him and watched the moon, a ghastly pearl in a sea of violet clouds.
Antoinette rested her head on his shoulder. She shut her eyes for a second, relishing the feeling. The wind blew her hair but he pushed her hair back from her cheek. His rough hands scratched her cheek. He ceased; worried his hands were too rough. She smiled at him and squeezed his hand.
“Annie, I love you.”
“Jason, I love you too.”
Stars danced above them as they walked away.

spiderwitch

Thank-you IT takes fresh eyes to point things out and you did a great job

Spiderwitch

spiderwitch

I have hopefully improved the chapter and welcome comments. Here it is..

41 Sorrow’s end
Antoinette sat by herself on a bench at the Halifax waterfront. Shivering from the cold wind in her thin burgundy dress, she wrapped Jason’s leather jacket tighter around her. It brought tears to her eyes. Studying the sky, she tried to find some solace in the brightening sky.
Antoinette read the poem from Dracian.
Solitude
On a dark November eve
As I scurry home
A sea captivates me
of somber tombstones
rising from a hill.

Misty clouds paint the sky
flowers crown the tombs
thin bare black copses of trees
buoyantly sway in a lively ballet
guided by the invisible conductor, the wind.

Death pounces on my psyche
lucid spirits drift across the frozen ground
silent screams echo across the
barren land of the dead.

Deep breathe of life
denied to these soulless corpses
spirit my winged feet home.

Crisp leaves twirl
in a crescendo of colors
round the masquerade of the cold graveyard
waltzed by the wind.

Covering the ground with a patchwork
of warmth that belies the idleness
to a final rest.

The colors of gold and crimson
leaves bleed into the rich soil,
promise of a resurrection.
She folded the poem in her pocket and decided to worry about it later.
Jason took her hand and she smiled at him. He smiled back.
They slowly strolled around the wharf. Antoinette rested her head on his shoulder. Together they watched the boats bobbing in the harbor and reflected on all that had happened.
He shifted and she looked up at him.
“I swear to you, Annie, I will find a way to lift this curse you bear,” he said.
She looked at him in surprise.
“I will wait for you. I don’t know if there is a way.” She looked over the water; long hair blew in the wind. She returned her attention to him. “I know I could not bear to hurt you or live like this for a long time.”
“We will work something out.” Jason tightened his grip around her waist.
She smiled at him and watched the water, the rising sun reflected on the waves.
“Yes, it is a new beginning-for both of us,” she said softly.
She drew back from the rising sun then relaxed. The sun rose like a star, its light grew brighter, flooding the sky with gold and fire. She stared at the beautiful sunrise and felt tears come to her eyes.
Antoinette rested her head on his shoulder. She shut her eyes for a second, relishing the familiar feeling. The wind blew her hair but he pushed her hair back from her cheek. His rough hands scratched her cheek. He ceased; worried his hands were too rough. She smiled at him and squeezed his hand. They kissed each other, locked in a kiss of true love.
“Annie, I love you.”
“Jason, I love you too.”
The boats grew smaller as Jason and Antoinette walked away from the wharf. He put his arm around her and they walked away. Rocky led the way ahead of them. For Jason and Antoinette, it was the beginning of a new love, a new dawn.