blackparade

[edit please...thanks]
BLEEDING TEARS OF JOY

The clouds parted as the sun cast a brilliant jet of light through gloom. The chilly wind scraped against my cheeks. It hurt. With a burden of things crammed in my mind, I dragged myself down the lane. He stood there. Casting a single glance at him, I walked on, as if he was invisible. For a split second, I didn’t know what in blazes was happening until I found myself buried in his arms. It felt good. Real good.
But apparently, it didn’t last. Nothing ever lasted. Nothing.

As years passed by, I often questioned myself: what is the real point of living? I always felt invisible, with no one to help me up when I fell, no one to talk to, drenched in a dimension of complete denial. Perhaps, I was still young at that time, young as a free spirit dancing in the air with cute little demons that took care of me.

But then I changed. It wasn’t the fact that those cute little demons were pushing me to the edge of life and leading me down the black parade. Never had I felt this way in my life before. On my face located a pair of red, puffy eyes with poorly drawn in eyeliner to hopefully cover them up and cracked lips smeared with blood stains. My heart ached and bled as if a sharp ray was stuck through it.


I had my chances, all the way through college, but didn’t take them. Years later, I attended your wedding; then, helped you stand up and live on, after your divorce. You told me I was your best friend. But I didn’t want to be just a friend. I never did.

The past few weeks had been the worst part of my life. I drank nearly everyday and lost my coordination and my acute sense of hearing. I didn’t know what happened. It felt like Death was stalking me, approaching closer and closer. It was as if the Grim Reaper was dragging me down to his happy little world. His cold, chilling fingers crept across my crushed heart.

A stream of red blood bubbled on my flesh as I dug into my skin. It burned, but I didn’t care.

I never did.
I don’t recognize myself anymore.
I wasn’t meant to live like this.

As I stared at my reflection in the mirror, I’ve finally decided to move on. It was painful, but perhaps, it was the last thing I could do. It was time for me to stop slipping down the hill, stop drowning in the sea of capacious pain. It was time for me to stop hurting myself and others. I needed to move on...move on to a better place. Perhaps, a place called Hell.

I dropped to the floor as a single tear of joy trickled down my face.

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<RWARZ~

nirvana. rocking the hell out of me.

phurst

Very black and too tight to make sense of. It is more like a long fee verse poem of lost love, love unrequited. If you are writng a short story, flesh it out a little.

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buyjupiter03

Good line for a poem, kind of out of place for a short story. The "located a pair of red puffy eyes", sounds out of place as normal description. Perhaps a word or two is missing?

I liked that you captured a very dismal, black mood. You got that down pat. However, it seems to me that it's all over the place. It feels like this is part(s) of a larger piece. There doesn't seem to be a logical timeline of events or logical flashbacks.

I would be interested in seeing it turned into a free-verse (like phurst suggested) or even in seeing a longer piece.

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zackmcqueen

I agree with the above post that there appears to be no logical timeline. Exacerbating this are several instances of tense mismatch which disrupt the flow and detract from the sensibility and readability of the piece. Parts of it also appear somewhat cliched, for example the very first line; weather reports to begin a story have been used for centuries, are never original, and do little to persuade the reader that the text will be in any way revolutionary...

I would also cut this line for sure:

'I didn’t know what in blazes was happening'.

It's an outdated, unoriginal expression, and unless the text is set at a time when this phrase featured often in commonplace discourse, then it just doesnt fit.

The general tone created is atmospheric, but I'm not sure that this piece knows exactly what it is trying to be.

Ungood

This is a lament?

Very well done if it is. Loved it.

Ungood.

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