They Called It A Spider, I Knew Different (UPDATED) - Writers Forum

Wildcard · 04-22-2008, 05:15 PM

Me again

. I made changes to the original post based on your critiques and added a tad bit more. Probably typing the remainder as you read. As always your feedback is greatly appreciated.

They Called It a Spider, I Knew Different

“What is that?” I asked. The thing that caught my attention was over by the filing cabinet. I had been eyeing it for the past couple seconds trying to make out what it was. It had started out looking like a bundle of cotton but now it was beginning to look like some kind of insect.
“What is what?” Kevin asked, trying to follow my gaze. He was sitting at his computer and I’d been standing behind him as we went through a few recent software changes to the company’s database. His office, like mine, wasn’t very spacious and the piles of paperwork covering his desk added to the already claustrophobic feel of the tight walled room. The cottony looking insect thing sat snugly on a batch of files and appeared static as I walked over to have a closer look.
“What is what?” Kevin called again from behind me. I ignored him as I was too taken up with trying to figure out what it was.
As I got closer, it began to look less like cotton and more like a spider. Actually it was a spider. No… was it?
I leaned forward with my hands pressed against my kneecaps as I viewed the spider-looking-thing. It was a kind of rusty brown color and it had six very long spider-like legs. It lay on its back which was shaped like the shell of a crab and it had two very long antennae looking things poking out on either side of its abdomen.
“How did that get there?” I heard Kevin say as he peered over my shoulder.
“Beats me,” I replied.
“Is it dead?”
“Looks that way.”
We both stood there for about a couple seconds staring down at the spider-crabby thing when I finally had the idea to put it into something. I began looking around the cluttered office for something, anything. My eyes fell on a Styrofoam cup which contained relics of Kevin’s morning decaf.
“What are you doing with that?” he asked as I emptied its contents into the waste-bin next to his desk. “I wasn’t even finished with that yet.”
“I’ll buy you another cup,” I responded absently. I picked up the file the Spider-Crab was on and held it up against the office light and for a brief moment thought I saw it move its legs. I stared at it a little while longer but didn’t see any further movement so I dropped it into the cup and it hit the bottom with a barely audible, spider-crabby thud.
“Why the hell are you putting it in a cup?” Kevin asked pushing his glasses up onto his nose.
“I’ll use it as a paperweight,” I replied grinning.
Kevin shook his head and returned to his desk.
“Personally, I think the world would be a better place without those things.” he said. “Rats, roaches, flies, mosquitoes…not to mention spiders…” he nodded in the direction of the cup as he said the latter.
“I don’t think this is a spider,” I replied, examining my find.
“Well whatever it is, its things like insects that make me believe that god really hates us. What purpose do they serve other than spread diseases and add to the decay of an already decaying planet?”
“Awww c’mon, they aint so bad,” I said stealing a quick glance at him. “You know there are people who actually eat these things?”
“Yes. I also know that there are people who drink blood and worship Satan, but you don’t see me doing any of that stuff.” His glasses slipped down his nose once again and he absently pushed them back up. “And what the hell do you plan to do with that?” he asked, giving the cup an apprehensive glance.
“Well first I’m gonna find out what it is, then I’ll try selling it on eBay,” I replied; the sarcasm clearly evident in my tone.
“It’s a goddamned spider. What is there to find out?”
I grinned at his expression. He was looking at me like I was holding a steamy lump of shit instead of a Styrofoam cup.
“Last time I checked, a spider has eight legs not six.” I responded.
“Maybe two of em’ fell off from his long, arachnid journey.” he shot back. “And would you please take that thing out of here; you’re beginning to freak me out.”

Kevin was this way about almost everything. He was one of those types who would drive comfortably below the speed limit no-matter-what, or spend at least fifteen minutes at each intersection (the closest approaching vehicle probably being blocks away) making absolutely sure that it was safe to proceed.
I’d made the mistake of letting him drive me home once. Count on him to make twelve blocks seem like twelve miles. Either way that was the first and last time I ever asked him for a ride.
“Borautious” was the word I’d conjured up for him – supposed to be a cross between boring and cautious – and he would always get to fretting whenever I used it.
I’d say something like: “So how do you plan to spend your weekend Kev?”
To which he’d reply: “Oh I don’t know, probably do some reading. You know I started this new biography-”
This is usually the part where I’d cut him off and say: “Wow, how borautiously obvious that you would waste your weekend on reading some idiot's biography. Have a blast pal!”
As always he would roll his eyes and say – in the best all-geek-no-play voice he could muster – something like: “There are many ways to indulge one’ self that don’t include booze, loud music and half naked women running around. Unfortunately your nature of thinking won’t allow you to grasp that reality.” Then he’d smile to himself – probably in some kind of geeky satisfaction – while I’d just leave the room, shaking my head in both pity and defeat.
Kevin was incredibly skinny and incredibly pale.
His plain, shaved face fit perfect with the rest of his appearance. There was nothing distinguishing about it, except probably the broad rimmed spectacles he wore which made his eyes appear bug like, and made him look ten years older. I remember the first time he told me his age I outright laughed in his face.
“Twenty-eight? Yeah right.” I said. “C’mon seriously, how old are you?”
The diminished expression that followed wiped the smile clean off my face.
“Oh shit, you really are twenty-eight?”
Then I remember feeling like a complete idiot for the next few seconds.
But with all that said I liked him. Honestly, I think guys like Kevin are some of the best friends to have. Guys that would actually listen to you when you have something to say, and despite how much you ridicule them, would never get really pissed or try to get even. And I loved teasing him – mostly because he made it so damned easy – but he’d pretty much gotten use to it by now. He actually expected it most of the time.

I left Kevin’s office (not before taunting him some more with Mr Spider-Crabby of course), and headed back toward my own. It was a short distance, with a couple rows of cubicles in between where the other staff either clacked away on their computers or chattered away on incoming calls. It was your typical cluttered office. Phones ringing every few seconds, and people in ties and suits buzzing up and down like bees in a hive.
APEX STANTON was the leading developer of anti-virus software in the state, and our division was one of three specializing in network and administrative functions. We were located on the fifteenth floor of the large corporate A/S building in downtown Manhattan and acted as the towboat for the other two divisions. They specialized in a much broader aspect of networking while we were into a more ‘minor-league’ form.
Our information was still very critical to them. Overall I’d say the business was like a huge car. The other divisions would be the engine and other important internal parts – all necessary for the proper function of the vehicle – while my department was the tires. And as much credit as those bastards upstairs were sucking up, I’d like to see the person who can drive a car without tires!

Fleabyte · 04-22-2008, 05:29 PM

Okay - so what is it? A spider? What? Did it jump out of the cup after being genetically altered by the decaf (which we all know is so chemically altered as to effect even a spider crab's genetic makeup) and attack the disbelieving Kevin?

babeonownbike · 04-22-2008, 08:02 PM

I like it a lot better! One thing that's bugging me is the "bundle of cotton" description. It sounds so much bigger than a bug ... like a bale of cotton. Even a cotton ball seems bigger than your bug (no?). Would a pile of lint be closer to what your guy(?) is seeing?

That's another thing ... we know Kevin's name, but not the narrator. We don't even know gender. That would help fill in a gap for the reader too.

But I like where you're going with this ... keep it up!

Wildcard · 04-23-2008, 07:47 AM

LOL @ Fleabyte...so true...but no. That will all come very soon, I promise. And I will do my utmost not to leave you in the dark about anything.
As for you babeonownbike, your right about the narrator and in the next post you will actually get to know everything about him (hint hint). I'm glad you like it so far and I'll try to keep it interesting. As for the reason Mr Spider-Crabby was described that way, dont worry the next post will shed some light on that too.
Stay tuned!

Holden Blake · 04-23-2008, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcard

Me again

. I made changes to the original post based on your critiques and added a tad bit more. Probably typing the remainder as you read. As always your feedback is greatly appreciated.

Just to let you know before I begin that I did not read your original post but I guess theres no harm in having the perspective of a fresh pair of eyes.

They Called It a Spider, I Knew Different

Not a bad title at all, it seems to fit the tone well and in terms of conjuring interest, it certainly got me to click on it.

“What is that?” I asked. The thing that caught my attention was over by the filing cabinet. I had been eyeing it for the past couple seconds trying to make out what it was. It had started out looking like a bundle of cotton but now it was beginning to look like some kind of insect. A few seconds isin't really a lot of time for you to have made these observations and gone on to wonder what it was. Perhaps a miniute and a half? Something to show that the narrator was bored enough at work to notice something so small. Also a few seconds suggests that you had only just noticed the thing and haden't really taken the time to study it's formation. Maybe the idea of a sudden 'noticing by chance' happening is what you intended and I suppose that works too, especially if the narrator is standing up and supposed to be looking over something.

“What is what?” Kevin asked, trying to follow my gaze. He was sitting at his computer and I’d been standing behind him as we went through a few recent software changes to the company’s database. His office, like mine, wasn’t very spacious and the piles of paperwork covering his desk added to the already claustrophobic feel of the tight walled room. The cottony looking insect thing sat snugly on a batch of files and appeared static as I walked over to have a closer look.

“What is what?” Kevin asked again- you don't really need to say that he was behind you as you can already tell this from the fact that the narrator moves forward. Also I don't think Kevin needs to call when speaking to the narrator as you did say it was only a tiny office. I ignored him; too taken up with trying to figure out what it was.
As I got I'd suggest using grew instead of got, got is a little simplistic and dosen't really fit with your writing style so far closer, it began to look less like cotton and more like a spider. Actually it was a spider. No… was it? Great use of ellipsis there and loved the short sentence that preceded it.
I leaned forward with my hands pressed against my kneecaps as I viewed the spider-looking-thing. It was a kind of rusty brown color and it had six very long spider-like legs normally I wouldn't advise the repition of 'spider-like' or 'spider-looking-thing' here but it works well, and even adds to the humour given the narrators train-of-thoughts. It lay on its back which was shaped like the shell of a crab and it had two very long antennae looking okay, I said I didn't mind the repition of 'looking-things' but a once or twice in such a short space of time is enough, I wouldn't use it again here as it then begins to sound/look too forced things poking out on either side of its abdomen.
“How did that get there?” said Kevin peering over my shoulder. I'd rework that sentece so it makes it seem as thought Kevin, having been silently watching you, just appeared over your shoulder. I think it makes the action more vivid in this way.
“Beats me,” I replied.

“Is it dead?”
Always take a new line each time someone else speaks.
“Looks that way.”

We both stood there for about a couple seconds staring down at the spider-crabby thing when I finally had the idea to put it into something. I began looking around the cluttered office for something, anything. My eyes fell on a Styrofoam cup which contained the relics of Kevin’s morning decaf. Nice
“What are you doing with that?” he asked as I emptied its contents into the waste-bin next to his desk. “I wasn’t even finished with that yet.”
“I’ll buy you another cup,” I responded absently. I picked up the file the Spider-Crab was on and held it up against the office light and for a brief moment thought I saw it move its legs. I stared at it a little while longer but didn’t see any further movement so I dropped it into the cup and it hit the bottom with a barely audible, spider-crabby thud. Funny
“Why the hell are you putting it in a cup?” Kevin asked pushing his small small isin't needed reading glasses up onto his nose.
“I’ll use it as a paperweight,” I replied grinning.
Kevin shook his head and returned to his desk.
“Personally, I think the world would be a better place without those things.” he said. “Rats, roaches, flies, mosquitoes…not to mention spiders…” he nodded in the direction of the cup. The fact that he nodded to the cup containing the spider as he said the word spider is not needed, we can already tell this without it having to be stated.
“I don’t think this is a spider,” I replied, examining my find.
“Well whatever it is, its things like that make me believe that god really hates us. What purpose do they serve other than to spread diseases and add to the decay of an already decaying planet?”
“Awww c’mon, they aint so bad,” I said stealing a quick glance at him. “You know there are people who actually eat these things?”
“Yes. I also know that there are people who drink blood and worship Satan, but you don’t see me doing any of that stuff.” His glasses slipped down his nose once again and he absently pushed them back up. “And what the hell do you plan to do with that?” he asked, looking at the cup apprehensively.
“Well first I’m gonna find out what it is, then I’ll try selling it on eBay,” I replied. You don't need to say she was being sarcastic, we can already tell this from the type of the remark and the fact that she has not behaved like someone crazy enough to sell a spider on e-bay up until this point.
“It’s a goddamned spider. What is there to find out?”
I grinned at his expression. He was looking at me like I was holding a steamy lump of shit instead of a Styrofoam cup.
“Last time I checked, a spider has eight legs not six.” I responded.
“Maybe two of em’ fell off from his long, arachnid arachind isin't really a good way of describing he spiders journey, more a way of stating facts: the spider is an arachind he was on a long journey. To put it into perspective, you wouldn't say, 'I was on a long, human journey,' or 'the sparrow was on a long, bird journey.' It isn't an invaild statement but it does sound a bit awkward, like you couldn't think of another word to describe the journey. Maybe this is just a result of Kevin getting flustered over the insec, but I still think a different word choice would make the sentiment sound funnier journey.” he shot back. “And would you please take that thing out of here; you’re beginning to freak me out.”

Kevin was this way about almost everything. He was one of those types who would drive comfortably below the speed limit no-matter-what, or spend at least fifteen minutes at each intersection (the closest approaching vehicle probably being blocks away) making absolutely sure that it was safe to proceed.
I’d made the mistake of letting him drive me home once. Count on him to make twelve blocks seem like twelve miles. Either way that was the first and last time I ever asked him for a ride.
“Borautious” was the word I’d conjured up for him – supposed to be a cross between boring and cautious – and he would always get to fretting whenever I used it.
I’d say something like: “So how do you plan to spend your weekend Kev?”
To which he’d reply: “Oh I don’t know, probably do some reading. You know I started this new biography-”
This is usually the part where I’d cut him off and say: “Wow, how borautiously obvious that you would waste your weekend on reading some idiot's biography. Have a blast pal!”
As always he would roll his eyes and say – in the best all-geek-no-play voice he could muster – something like: “There are many ways to indulge one’s self that don’t include booze, loud music and half naked women running around. Unfortunately your nature of thinking won’t allow you to grasp that reality.” Then he’d smile to himself satisfied while I’d leave the room, shaking my head in both pity and defeat.
Kevin was incredibly skinny and incredibly pale.
His plain, shaved face fit perfect with the rest of his appearance. There was nothing distinguishing about it, except probably the broad rimmed spectacles he wore which made his eyes appear bug like, and made him look ten years older. I remember the first time he told me his age I outright laughed in his face.
“Twenty-eight? Yeah right.” I said. “C’mon seriously, how old are you?”
The diminished expression that followed wiped the smile clean off my face.
“Oh shit, you really are twenty-eight?”
Then I remember feeling like a complete idiot for the next few seconds.
With all that said I liked him. Honestly, I think guys like Kevin are some of the best friends to have. Guys that would actually listen to you when you have something to say, and despite how much you ridicule them, would never get really pissed or try to get even. And I loved teasing him – mostly because he made it so damned easy – but he’d pretty much gotten use to it by now. He actually expects it most of the time.

I left Kevin’s office (not before taunting him some more with Mr Spider-Crabby), and headed back toward my own. It was a short distance, a couple of cubicles in between where the other staff either clacked away on their computers or chattered on incoming calls. It was your typical cluttered office. Phones ringing every few seconds, and people in ties and suits buzzing up and down like bees in a hive.
APEX STANTON was the leading developer of anti-virus software in the state, and our division was one of three specializing in network and administrative functions. We were located on the fifteenth floor of the large corporate A/S building in downtown Manhattan and acted as the towboat for the other two divisions. They specialized in a much broader aspect of networking while we were into a more ‘minor-league’ form.
Our information was still very critical to them. Overall I’d say the business was like a huge car. The other divisions would be the engine and other important internal parts – all necessary for the proper function of the vehicle – while my department was the tires. And as much credit as those bastards upstairs were sucking up, I’d like to see the person who can drive a car without tires!

The ending seems to imply that there is more to come. The last paragraph talks about the corporation and we hear nothing more about Kevin, the narrator or the spider- there is no evident closure. Nothing about your final paragraph indicates that this is the end, which makes me think this is part of a larger work. If not, and you intend this just to be a short story then I suggest bringing some closure to the characters instead of digressing about their work ethic would be a better note to end it on. Overall this is a very good piece but I feel that the ending lets it down somewhat. Hope some my advice has been helpful, HB.

Wildcard · 04-23-2008, 01:20 PM

Thanxxx Millions for ur info HB. U were absolutely right about the ending...there is much more to come. Originally I intended this to be a short short, but I'm afraid it seduced me and now I cant stop writing

. Ur input was very valuable. Thanxx Again!