Aeria Gloris

Just a quick thing, I wrote this about 30 minutes ago but it seems far too wordy, particularly in the second paragraph.

If someone could glance through and tell me if it sounds alright, please? I've read through it so many times now it's lost all meaning


‘Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it.’

This was but a drop from my grandmother’s pool of seemingly infinite wisdom, which she would often so graciously bestow upon me when I was troubled.

‘Bestow’ is in fact much too kind a word. Truth be told, the old woman would dunk my head so deeply into this ocean of advice that I frequently felt as though I would drown, and ‘troubled’ is certainly overreaching too. The reality was that my grandmother was the kind of woman who, dear as she was, would have an answer for everything, and this modest quotation of hers seemed to justify the fact that she seemed to take pleasure in sticking her nose into other people’s business a little too much.

She enjoyed thrusting this line in my face so often that when she died I suggested, almost spitefully, that we have it etched into her tombstone. My family had laughed, but did not use my submission. Instead, granny’s grave is now marked by the words; ‘In loving memory of Catherine McKinley. Beloved wife, devoted mother, cherished always.’ Which, in my eyes, translates as; ‘We love you granny, but we’re no Spike Milligan.’

Looking back, it was probably a good idea that she had a typical inscription. My grandmother had tried her whole life to fit in and make friends that putting something diverse onto her grave would have seemed completely out of character for her.

Katastrof

I'm always weary when I read a post that says "I wrote so-and-so in the last x amount of time" because it always is a tiny snippet of writing and you can't really critique something well when there isn't enough to critique. Plus, usually people are looking to see if their writing sounds great not that they have a good story.

Anyways, I can say that you're right in your instinct that its a bit too wordy. I'd let this (and the piece its attached to) sit for a day and then come back to it and kill all the adverbs in it. Believe you have a alot of them in there and it would flow alot better without most of them.

After you've killed off all of them only put back a few that are important (you'll know which ones.)

__________________
Read:

When The Man Comes Around

"Carpe Diem, quam minimum credula postero"
(Seize the day put no trust in tomorrow.) ~ Horace

Aeria Gloris

Yeah, I think it'll be best if I look at it again tomorrow when I'm not so tired.

And thanks for the advice, I'll be sure to use it.

__________________
'Your effort to remain what you are is what limits you.' - 2501

Truth-Teller

This was but a drop from my grandmother’s pool of seemingly infinite wisdom, which she would often so graciously bestow upon me when I was troubled.

‘Bestow’ is in fact much too kind a word. Truth be told,the old woman would dunk my head so deeply into this ocean of advice that I frequently felt as though I would drown, and ‘troubled’ is certainly overreaching too. The reality was that my grandmother was the kind of woman who, dear as she was, would have an answer for everything, and this modest quotation of hers seemed to justify the fact that she seemed to take pleasure in sticking her nose into other people’s business a little too much.

She enjoyed thrusting this line in my face so often that when she died I suggested, almost spitefully, that we have it etched into her tombstone. My family had only laughed, but did not use my submission. Instead, my grandmother's grave is marked by the words; ‘In loving memory of Catherine McKinley. Beloved wife, devoted mother, cherished always.’ Which, in my eyes, translates as; ‘We love you granny, but we’re no Spike Milligan.’

Looking back, it was probably a good idea that she had a typical inscription. My grandmother had tried her whole life to fit in and make friends that putting something diverse onto her grave would have seemed completely out of character for her.


Remove everything I've underlined.

And see how it reads.