short story fairy tales - Writers Forum

animator · 04-19-2008, 05:59 PM

this is the beggining of a short story I'm writing (my first (short story))
it's more deitaled story on how humpty died

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses and all the King's men
couldn’t put Humpty together again!

Did humpty really fall off the wall into his grave?; or is there more to the story of humpty dumpty and the wall. Did someone else have a part to play in the death of the egg man?

Like most stories that need to be told the setting for our first scene begun in a kitchen. Or a cupboard to be precise, two minutes prior a man leapt into the cupboard to hid from his wife. This man was humpty, a man made of egg. After some time in the cupboard humpty began to seat under the collar of his checkered suit as he realized the cupboard was not used to store food but was used for the boiler.

tell me what you think
what I should add and what I should lose

Ungood · 04-19-2008, 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by animator

this is the beggining of a short story I'm writing (my first (short story))
it's more deitaled story on how humpty died

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses and all the King's men
couldn’t put Humpty together again!

Did humpty really fall off the wall into his grave?; or is there more to the story of humpty dumpty and the wall. Did someone else have a part to play in the death of the egg man?

Like most stories that need to be told the setting for our first scene begun in a kitchen. Or a cupboard to be precise, two minutes prior a man leapt into the cupboard to hid from his wife. This man was humpty, a man made of egg. After some time in the cupboard humpty began to seat under the collar of his checkered suit as he realized the cupboard was not used to store food but was used for the boiler.

tell me what you think
what I should add and what I should lose

I have one minor problem with this.

The "Husband" did not know the cupboard was used for a Boiler?

Ungood.

animator · 04-20-2008, 06:07 AM

he wasn't thinking straight
he just jumped in the first cupboard he could find

nacreous · 04-20-2008, 10:08 AM

I'm guessing you are kinda young still. this work demonstrates a great deal of imagination and creativity. good for you to adapt classic stories to your personal goals. keep working on this, it is important to cultivate your obvious talents through constant practice. good luck. btw, grammar and punctuation are your friends.