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Short humor piece
Cremation Diet
The goal of my new Cremation Diet is to be effective both globally and locally. Globally, I hope to lower carbon emission by providing the undertaker with a bio-fuel to use instead of the natural gas or propane more commonly employed. Locally, I should get a significant discount from the undertaker for saving him valuable fuel. One percent off the price of cremation for every one percent of excess weight I bring to the table, er..slab. That’s right. Through careful planning and the right diet, I should have enough fat to become a self sustaining flame with just a blue tip match and a warm suit. In fact, at my current weight, I should burn for no less than forty hours and provide enough heat to warm fifty homes in Anchorage in December.
Oh yes, the diet. Well in order to get the highest value for your excess poundage, you need to partake of those items which provide the cleanest burning, highest quality globules. Take the fat content of fish if you will. We know our forefathers used whale oil to light lamps but if you can recall, the light was dull and smoky and in no way helped the global warming problem. Even worse is the fact that some fish fat is actually good for you. Avoid fish and whale. We want to look like one, not be one.
Dunkin Doughnuts are prime generators of high quality fat. When burned it is a bright long lasting, sunglass wearing, fire. One glazed doughnut can add hours to your cremation. Should you chase that doughnut with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s you may just self ignite in strong sunlight, which is a bad thing as you may burn up all your precious fuel before you can sign your contract with OPEC.
We know why we want it and we now know how to get it, but how do we increase it’s value once we have reached our maximum body proportions? Exercise! That’s right. A regular regime of exercise will turn your normal everyday fat into high test. Scientist have proven that for every hour on the tread mill, the octane level of fat increases by 0.1%. How is this possible? Like the fable of the sun and wind betting on who can remove the old man’s coat, the harder you try to rid yourself of fat, the harder it clings and in doing so, it purifies itself. Consider this. Some of my fat has been so refined, that it may even continue to burn well into the next century. I daresay that today, I still carry fat cells from the seventies and my cremation will come with a warning to stay upwind.
Next week: How to leverage your fat ass into retirement.
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