My Journey - Needing Imput - Writers Forum

Ajs92 · 04-17-2008, 04:50 PM

This is a writing assignment for my highschool honors CP English class. I'm looking for any constructive criticism and opinions on my paper. Tell me what you think I could do to make it better.

My Journey: One Stroke at a Time

. . . .The swimming season was finally coming to an end; the championship meet was fast approaching, and the entire swim team had their eyes on a successful finish. It had been a long year of rigorous training day in and day out. Leaving the house at 5:30 in the morning and returning at 7:00 at night had become routine. My teammates pushed me to the limit, and I always found ways to encourage them in return. I was on an odyssey; my mind set on getting the most out of my hard work, and I wasn’t going to accept anything but my best.
. . . . The district championships were only two weeks away, and my coaches and I were working over-time to fine tune my stroke. To qualify for the state championships, I had to meet the swift time cuts at the district meet. One shot was all I had; there were no second chances. Having just moved up an age group, I found myself struggling to compete with swimmers who were older and bigger than I. The time standards were much faster than previous years, and I knew if I had any hope of making state, I would need to drop substantial time.
. . . . “What would you think about swimming the 500 yard freestyle at the meet?” My coach asked me. The 500 is a grueling twenty lap race, one that many swimmers refuse to compete in. “I know it won’t be easy, but I wouldn’t be asking you if I didn’t think you could do it,” she said. I was stunned. It wasn’t my best event, and I was quite some time away from the state cut. I reluctantly agreed, and told myself I would do everything in my power to reach my goal.
The week leading up to the meet, I had nothing but positive energy. People doubted that I would be able to make the times I wanted, but I didn’t let it bring me down. I got plenty of rest and ate healthy foods. I made sure to do everything I could to give myself an advantage.
. . . . The state qualifying time for the event was 5.23.39, and that time seemed to race through my head the entire week. My prior best time was 5.30.5, so I had my work cut out for me. The day of the meet came upon me quickly, and I anxiously woke up just like every other day. It was a Friday, and I found it difficult to concentrate at school. I had my mind set on the race I would be competing in that night. I left school that day at noon, stopping for a good bite to eat, and heading straight to te pool When I arrived, I was greeted by my enthusiastic team. Everyone knew what I wanted to do, and they all encouraged me that it was possible. I was prepared both physically and mentally for what was ahead of me.
. . . . Before I knew it, the officials were calling my race to the starting blocks. I nervously approached, cap and goggles on, determined. The entire team lined up across the side of the pool to cheer me on. Shaking, I gripped the block as the starter said, “Take your mark.” I began the twenty lap race at an all out sprint. I was going after what I wanted the most. I knew that it’s a race won or lost based on unyielding determination to push through the pain, and nothing was going to stop me. My arms and legs were on fire, my lungs felt like they could burst. With only two laps to go, I breathed just long enough to get a glimpse of my teammates screaming for me to move faster. With that, I kicked harder, pulled faster, and glided into the final lap. I jammed my fingers into the wall, finishing the race with everything I had left.
. . . .Tired and out of breath, I was greeted with the sound of my cheering teammates. I looked over to see every one of them on their feet, clapping and yelling with smiles on their faces. I looked up at the scoreboard that read 5:22.98, and I triumphantly pumped my fist into the air. Less than half a second separated my success from failure, but in that moment, I knew my hard work had paid off. I was invincible. It was moment I will remember for the rest of my life: a moment that made all my struggles worthwhile.

I used the periods to show where new paragraphs begin (indentions) I couldn't indent on this post without using text, I don't know why.
-Thanks

LolliAdverbs · 04-17-2008, 09:01 PM

It's well written.

You're missing a period in the sixth paragraph right here:

and heading straight to te pool (.) When I arrived, I was greeted by my enthusiastic team

It is well-written, but I think that if you're going to call it "My Journey" it wouldn't kill to have more journey imagery. Like... you can make reference to roads while you're working on your times, and at the race you can make reference to a destination.

Even without that, I'm sure you got an A.