Wildcard

Hi all. I started this one last night and wonder what you guys think. I'm not quite sure where to go with it yet, it just kinda came to me.



“What is that?” I asked. The thing that had caught my attention was over by the filing cabinet. I had been eyeing it for the past couple seconds trying to make out what it was. It had started out looking like a bundle of cotton but now it looked like some kind of insect.
“What is what?” My colleague asked, trying to follow my gaze. He was sitting at his computer and I had been standing behind him as we went through a few recent software changes to the company’s database. His office, like mine, wasn’t very spacious and the piles of paperwork covering his desk added to the already claustrophobic feel of the tight walled room. The cottony looking insect thing sat snugly on a batch of files and appeared static as I walked over to have a closer look. “What is what?” Kevin asked again from behind me as I walked over to where the thing lay. I ignored him as I was too taken up with trying to figure out what it was. As I neared the thing, it began to look less like cotton and more like a spider. Actually it was a spider. No… was it?
I leaned forward with my hands pressed against my kneecaps as I viewed the spider looking thing. It was a kind of rusty brown color and it had six very long spider-like legs. It lay on its back which was shaped like the shell of a crab and it had two very long antennae looking things poking out on either side of its abdomen.
“How did that get there?” I heard Kevin say as he peered over my shoulder.
“Beats me,” I replied.
“Is it dead?”
“Looks that way.”
We both stood there for about a couple seconds staring down at the “spider-crabby” thing when I finally had the idea to put it in something. I began looking around the cluttered office for something, anything. My eyes fell on a Styrofoam cup which contained relics of Kevin’s morning decaf.
“What are you doing with that?” He asked as I emptied its contents into the waste-bin next to his desk. “I wasn’t even finished with that yet.”
“I’ll buy you another cup,” I responded absently. I picked up the file the Spider-Crab was on and held it up against the office light and for a brief moment thought I saw it move its legs. I stared at it a little while longer but didn’t see any further movement so I dropped it into the cup and it hit the bottom with a barely audible, “spider-crabby” thud.
“Why the hell are you putting it in a cup?” Kevin asked pushing his small reading glasses up onto his nose.
“I’ll use it as a paperweight,” I replied grinning.
Kevin shook his head and returned to his desk.
“Personally, I think the world would be a better place without those things.” He said. “Rats, roaches flies, mosquitoes…not to mention spiders…” He nodded in the direction of the cup as he said the latter.
“I don’t think this is a spider,” I replied, examining my find.
“Well whatever it is, its things like insects that make me believe that god really hates us. What purpose do they serve other than spread diseases and add to the decay of an already decaying planet?”
“Awww c’mon, they aint so bad,” I said stealing a quick glance at him. “You know there are people who actually eat these things?”
“Yes. I also know that there are people who drink blood and worship Satan, but you don’t see me doing any of that stuff.” His glasses slipped down his nose once again and he absently pushed them back up. “And what the hell do you plan to do with that?” He asked, giving the cup an apprehensive glance.
“Well first I’m gonna find out what it is, then I’ll try selling it on eBay,” I replied; the sarcasm clearly evident in my tone.
“It’s a goddamned spider. What is there to find out?”
I grinned at his expression. He was looking at me like I was holding a steamy lump of shit instead of a Styrofoam cup.
“Last time I checked, a spider has eight legs not six.” I responded.
“Maybe two of em’ fell off.” He shot back. “And would you please take that thing out of here, you’re beginning to freak me out.”

Ungood

Very good !

Just one bit.

Quote:

“What is what?” My colleague asked, trying to follow my gaze.

Just give us a name..."My colleague" does not work... "John" works

Ungood.

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Noirllyn

I like.

You only need to tell us you're walking over to it once--especially if it's such a small room. Other than that and what Ungood said, very good.

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Wildcard

Thanxx Ungood and much appreciated Noirllyn...I'll get right on that

Just Jim

I'm assuming that tomorrow morning when you come to work there will be a bite sized piece missing from the cup, and the spider thingy will be gone. Well, not exactly gone, but not immediately visible.

Good beginning and nice writing.

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The Oddville Press
Accepting short stories, poetry, and art.

Ashes

The hook kept me reading, but whether it's my throbbing headache or the continuation of the part that made me skim the rest, that's unknown.

One typo I caught,

“...Rats, roaches, flies, mosquitoes…not to mention spiders…”

Otherwise, I couldn't find too much of an interest. I'm not going to critique the plot, considering you wanted this passage critiqued, I'll just say this:

Give some information. You've only really described the setting and the spider. Take some more time between dialogue to describe the characters more thoroughly, so we can get the idea for the story you are trying to narrate here.

Writing stories is only narrating, it's just the matter of skill and how you tell the story that sets you apart as a writer. Anybody can write down a short story, but it takes someone profound to be able to write it with such enthusiasm and dedication, that you'll be found sitting in the upstairs hallway of your high school during lunch, lonesome, with a half-eaten lunch as you pour over your notebook.

That's all.

LolliAdverbs

There's nothing to critique except dialogue and grammar, and they're good.

You don't need to quote "spider-crabby" though.

spider8

I kept going till the end, so that's something. It was okay as an experiment in writing but it's time for you to start thinking of something bigger. The lack of this gave the whole thing an empty feel which you would improve on if your eye was on something meatier.

Wildcard

Thanxxx millions for the input guys...and ur absolutely right Ashes, I should definately elaborate on the characters and setting a little more. I just got so caught up with Mr Spider-Crabby that I excluded everything else.

babeonownbike

My nits have all been taken.

I think it has the bones of a good story. Flesh it out and continue on. I'd like to see more.

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Sam Winchester

“What is that?” I asked. The thing that had (I would change this to "which" or lose the "had") caught my attention was over by the filing cabinet. I had been eyeing it for the past couple seconds, trying to make out what it was. It had started out looking like a bundle of cotton, but now it looked like some kind of insect.
“What is what?” [m]y colleague asked, trying to follow my gaze. He was sitting at his computer and I had been standing behind him as we went through a few recent software changes to the company’s database. His office, like mine, wasn’t very spacious, and the piles of paperwork covering his desk added to the already claustrophobic feel of the tight walled room. The cottony looking insect thing sat snugly on a batch of files and appeared static as I walked over to have a closer look. “What is what?” Kevin asked again from behind me as I walked over to where the thing lay. I ignored him as I was too taken up with trying to figure out what it was. As I neared the thing (no need to say that twice. "It" will do), it began to look less like cotton and more like a spider. Actually it was a spider. No… was it?
I leaned forward with my hands pressed against my kneecaps as I viewed the spider looking thing (maybe you should hyphenate these three words- spider-looking-thing) . It was a kind of (try to avoid using this idiom. You could say "it appeared") rusty brown color and it had six (the thing that distinguishes an arachnid from an insect is the number of legs, which is eight )very long spider-like legs. It lay on its back, which was shaped like the shell of a crab and it had two very long antennae looking things poking out on either side of its abdomen.
“How did that get there?” I heard Kevin say as he peered over my shoulder.
“Beats me,” I replied.
“Is it dead?”
“Looks that way.”
We both stood there for about a couple seconds, staring down at the “spider-crabby” thing when I finally had the idea to put it in something. I began looking around the cluttered office for something, anything. My eyes fell on a [s]tyrofoam cup which contained relics of Kevin’s morning decaf.
“What are you doing with that?” [h]e asked as I emptied its contents into the waste-bin next to his desk. “I wasn’t even finished with that yet.”
“I’ll buy you another cup,” I responded absently. I picked up the file the Spider-Crab was on and held it up against the office light, and for a brief moment thought I saw it move its legs. I stared at it a little while longer, but didn’t see any further movement so I dropped it into the cup and it hit the bottom with a barely audible, “spider-crabby” thud.
“Why the hell are you putting it in a cup?” Kevin asked, pushing his small reading glasses up onto his nose.
“I’ll use it as a paperweight,” I replied, grinning.
Kevin shook his head and returned to his desk.
“Personally, I think the world would be a better place without those things,” [h]e said. “Rats, roaches flies, mosquitoes…not to mention spiders…” He nodded in the direction of the cup as he said the latter.
“I don’t think this is a spider,” I replied, examining my find.
“Well, whatever it is, its things like insects that make me believe that god really hates us. What purpose do they serve other than spread diseases and add to the decay of an already decaying planet?”
“Awww c’mon, they aint so bad,” I said, stealing a quick glance at him. “You know there are people who actually eat these things?”
“Yes. I also know that there are people who drink blood and worship Satan, but you don’t see me doing any of that stuff.” His glasses slipped down his nose once again and he absently pushed them back up. “And what the hell do you plan to do with that?” [h]e asked, giving the cup an apprehensive glance.
“Well first I’m gonna find out what it is, then I’ll try selling it on eBay,” I replied, the sarcasm clearly evident in my tone.
“It’s a goddamned spider. What is there to find out?”
I grinned at his expression. He was looking at me like I was holding a steamy lump of shit instead of a Styrofoam cup.
“Last time I checked, a spider has eight legs not six.” I responded.
“Maybe two of em’ fell off.” He shot back. “And would you please take that thing out of here; you’re beginning to freak me out.”

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I like the dialogue between the two - very natural. The story never really got going for me, though. I don't really know why.

Good luck with it, though.

Sam.

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