Industrial

I gave up on this piece, but some people liked it so I decided to add some stuff, tell me if you like it or not.





I know a kid named Jim; he’s all into gothic chicks. He told me how he beats his one eyed snake until it’s red and raw to em’.

He always smelt like he just farted, pervert probably stuck his fingers as far up his ass as he could.

I bet he liked it.

I used to sit next to him in Geometry; he was some quiet little emotional kid. Everyday I came in and this dude would have fucking bruises all over his arm. I always made fun of his little yellow bruises.

I turned him into the thing to joke about at school.

“What the fuck happened to your arm, does your dad beat you while he’s drunk or something?”

I remember after I said that he just looked at me all funny, like he was gay or something, I think he thought I was cute or whatever fags think. Then he started to talk to me, I never heard him talk that serious before.

I pretended to ignore him; but I secretly listened to every word he said.

I never really understood what the fuck he was going though his mind. The next day I came to Geometry and Jim was not there.

I don’t know what happened to the guy, he just disappeared. He was one of those guys you don’t ever realize you like until they are gone.

That was back in high school; back when I thought getting high, and fucking the hottest bitch was the only thing I cared about. I came to realize how much I hated myself back then.

Sometimes I regret dropping out of high school. Not because my life’s a fucking waste, but because I want to go to one of those high school reunions, I bet it would be funny as shit to see how everyone turned out; hey I might even see Jim there.

I burned my transcript and mixed it in the urn that held my grandma’s ashes.

She was so nice to me when I was a little kid; she used to spoil me rotten. When I grew older I went through some tough times, and got caught up with the big time shit; murder.

She never looked at me the same after I got out on parole, and when she died of lung cancer, I didn’t shed one single tear on the walk back from the burial. I vividly remember my mom boo-hooing and sobbing her red little eyes out.

All I could think about during the funeral was what the fuck was a matter with me, everyone was all gloopy and depressed, and here I was stuffing my stinkin’ guts out with croissants.

I still find the whole situation fucking hilarious, now that was a chill ass time, chocked full of giggles and shit.

I never forgot the how my dad’s face twisted with sadness when they dropped the coffin into the ditch and covered it back up with dirt. That’s the last anyone ever saw of her.

Speaking of the devil, the bastard of a father I had was actually quite happy when my mom died.

Now I’m not going to say I wasn’t happy either. Even now I still don’t really miss her, I miss the times I had with her.

I used to sit with my mother in the backyard by this one old coconut tree, and sip stale hot Puerto Rican beer. It was so beautiful out there at night. My mom was the only reason I liked Puerto Rico.

I can’t even stand to go there anymore.

When everyone was sleeping I used to climb on top of the roof and look at the multicolored lights stretch down from San Juan to the beaches where the massive hotels stood.

I could sit with the stars and look over the hills where the jungle crashed into the villages and left only a couple lights left to remind me of humanity.

The jungle was the most vicious part of the island. It was inspirational. I could chill on my mom's roof and lose my mind to the thick vines and tangling undergrowth.

After my mom died, I had no choice but to sell the house.

Now I live in one of those overcrowded condominiums filled with old people who like to smile amiably to me, and talk about their grandson that just graduated from college or the latest plan the owner has to replace the old elevators.

I know none of them really give a fuck when they ask how I’m doing.

Sometimes at night I wake up and walk out on the balcony, all I can see is ocean for miles.. I can’t really see the jungle anymore but I can see the rusted metal of oil ships out on the horizon.

Fourteen floors below me I can see the pool, well lit in the moonlight.

A balcony is nothing like a roof nestled in the coconut trees.

When I walk out on my balcony I can’t help but scare the shit out of myself, I have the strongest urge to send my body hurling over the edge; maybe I can make it into the pool, but I know I cant, I know I’ll be a fuckin’ stain on the broken red tiles below me.

I would do it, I want to know how it feels in those four seconds your body is suspended in the air; I want to know how it feels to know in a couple seconds I wont exist anymore; I bet it’s one of those feelings you only get once in a lifetime.

I still dream of leaving my condominium and walking away from San Juan, back towards the jungle. I don’t want to turn into one of those Tarzan characters; I just think everything looks better from all the way out there.

The lights of Puerto Rico are blinding, but holy shit, they can be fucking beautiful when you’re sitting in the shade of a coconut tree on top of a roof.

But I know I can’t ever go back.

I want to get lost in my memories; maybe the people I miss are lost like me; maybe they’re just waiting for me to come rescue them.

But I know I cant rescue them, I’m not that great, I’m just a high school dropout working just to live.

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my reach is global
my cause is noble.

Industrial

Sorry stupid fucking computer always does this laggy ass shit.

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my reach is global
my cause is noble.

Ungood

It has some emotional stuff to it... and could be quite good... but some points.

This is not bad... it just has an amazing amount of contradictions, it is like he says one thing and then double backs on it, then says the opposite.

I am still wondering what the "Plot" is... you know... where is this going... it just seems to be this whole "reflection on life" with no forward motion.

But it was a "Pull you along read" surprisingly.

Ungood.

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booker41

Yeah, good stuff, well written.

Can I laugh at that? I thought that was fucking funny.

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I've never seen a sight that didn't look better looking back.

Industrial

Ungood thanks for the read I'm glad it kept your attention.

Thank you for the kind words booker41. I'm glad you found it funny, I tried to incorporate some humor because it would seem very morbid without it.

I thought the funniest part was when the narrator says:

"I would do it, I want to know how it feels in those four seconds your body is suspended in the air; I want to know how it feels to know in a couple seconds I wont exist anymore; I bet it’s one of those feelings you only get once in a lifetime."

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my reach is global
my cause is noble.

booker41

Toilet humour always makes me laugh, I'm afraid lol.

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I've never seen a sight that didn't look better looking back.

Industrial

heh.

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my reach is global
my cause is noble.

Dr. Apopolus

This story is decidedly phallic.

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Happenstance

Malone

Best line of the piece.

Hmm...I must be caught in a continual high school mindset if those are supposed to cease being the most important things in life.

I'd cut all the angsty shit and just make the story about Jim. He's the only interesting part of this piece to me. When you mention that he starts to look at you like he wants you after you tease him about his dad beating him, I started to think he might be a masochist or something. Taking that concept and diving into self loathing from Jim's perspective, and how he deals with it by feeding off of personal injury - physical and/or psychological - would be much more interesting and original than the generic "life sucks but you can't really do anything about it" tangent you go off on.

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There Is A Policeman Inside All Our Heads: He Must Be Destroyed


Malone's Mind
Everyday Madness Kindle Edition

Industrial

Thanks for the feedback Malone, I thought he was a pretty intresting character as I did name the story after him. I was orginially going to make it about him, but I got sidetracked t something more.

Thanks for reading it, it means alot to get your feedback, it always helps me

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my reach is global
my cause is noble.

lilacstarflower

I like the voice this is told in - the character just doesn't seem to give a hoot about anyone or anything. There were a few phrases that had me smiling - probably the best one was about grandma's ashes.

There's a lot of build up about Jim and then he just disappears - which would be fine if the narrator reflected back to whatever Jim had shared or the narrator learned from that part of his life.

Overall, it was pretty interesting and I would have read more of it if it existed

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Ungood

I have to agree with this. I would say either focus on Jim, or do with out him, you know.

"Masochist" hit me when he first said he "beats his dick raw" I was thinking if you worded this to say "He whacks his dick raw all the time and it has nothing to do with being horny, I have seen what he does to that shit you know, and that thing looks more like a pocket worm then a trouser snake"

"He shoves a thumb up his own ass just to make it hurt more while he beating blood from his one eyed micro wonder"

"Bet in truth he loves that goth emo chick shit"

That was what I was really waiting for.

But I guess that was just me... "Jim the Masturbater"... just put those ideas in my head...

Sorry...

Ungood.

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Wildcard

Now I must say Industrial, I enjoyed this piece alot more than the first one I read from you. Actually, grammatical errors aside, it is a pretty good read. My biggest problem however is the fact that you name it after this "Jim" character, and then you abruptly remove him from the tale and base the remainder of the story on the narrator. I was really interested to see what would eventually happen to Jim so in the end I was more than a little disappointed.

Industrial

Thanks Wildcard I truly appreciate the feedback.

Everyone seems to want to hear more about Jim, I really did not anticipate him being that popular, but I guess he was intriguing or whatever.

Ungood- Thanks for more feedback, I'll definitely think about pursing a similar character Jim in the future.

Lila- Thanks I'm really glad you enjoyed it, I'm even happier that my humor came though in a couple parts, It's kind of morbid but I did try to throw in some dark humor.

I really worked hard on this one I kind of feel ashamed on the other thing I wrote because I did it in literally 4 mins.

But thanks for the feedback man

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my reach is global
my cause is noble.

Gate

okay well.....interesting piece

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" Imagine if all you ever did was kill for God. What kind of being would you be? An Angel sword dripping, your wings always dipped in blood.....Imagine."