[Devious] Chapter2 needs editing, any good????? - Writers Forum

VengefulDistain · 04-15-2008, 07:21 AM

[Runaway]

Chapter 2

Falling into a bottomless pit of nothing…what a feeling… Air, pushing past…refreshing… weightlessness surrounded by calm, soothing the cuts and bruises that have made me so weak. I feel like I could fall forever, no anguish of what has happened, or what has to come. For once I feel happy. Nothing can harm me.
I think all this until I see the gravel rushing up to greet me, forgetting that this may be an illusion. Filling with panic, I forget about my new abilities. My life flashes before my eyes, which makes me think of what a screw-up I am. An image of my head becoming a watermelon sticks behind my eyes….ew.
I close my eyes, waiting for pain of death, for the second time today. Waiting…waiting. Ok, now I’m getting impatient. Opening my eyes, I realise that I’m slowing down and turning so that I’m now facing upright.
“What the fuck is going on?” I wondered as my surroundings shimmered and dissolved into a familiar surrounding. Floating slowly towards the ground, I realise that I’m on the front step of my house.
“Huh, convenient” I start to say but I fall over, not being used to having to stand after falling for a while. Pulling myself up, I walk up to the front door until I realise that my key was in the pocket of my school pants, which was in the paedophile’s hidden house. I think I’ll just climb through the window, I thought to myself as I walked around the side of the house. The back window was always left unlocked so that dad’s ‘drug dealer buddies’ could get into the house and make pot while he was at work. I jumped onto the vent and slid up the tinted windows. The smell of pot was intense. This always meant that dad’s friends were over and making some ‘new age pot that is going to revolutionise the way we get stoned’, but it always ended blowing up in their face…literally. All the chemicals they put in it end up igniting when they light the joint.
Trying to creep into my room without them noticing me, I noticed that, on the tiles in the kitchen, were spots of blood. I walked into the kitchen expecting dad to have been fallen and hit his head on something because he usually ends up getting injured somehow while he’s high. Instead, there, on the floor, was my mum, covered in blood. Racing to her side I flipped her on her back to see bruises and cuts all down her face and neck. Desperately searching for her pulse, I hear a noise in the hallway. Looking at mum I eventually find her pulse and decide to investigate.
“Oh please, I don’t know where he is. He’s always home to package up all the pot. Don’t hurt me! I don’t know where he is!!!”
Rounding the corner, I see my dad and his friends sitting on the floor tying up bundles of pot into small bags and crushing up fresh batches with a meat tenderiser. My dad’s apparently making them all laugh.
“Ahh, speak of the devil, here comes the bastard now!” James, one of my dad’s mates, said smirking.
“I was just doing an imitation of your whore mother” Dad laughed.
“What the fuck did you do to her!!!” I screamed, rage filling my body, making my magic flow. My dad got up and stormed towards me, “How dare you speak to me like that you little shit!” and Dad raised his hand, thumping me in the face, “You were supposed to be here after school to wrap up the pot! Now I have to do it myself and the customers are calling, furious that they haven’t been delivered yet! Where the fuck were you!?” Dad screamed into my face.
“It’s not my fucking fault I was late! Some kids jumped me at school and beat me up! I woke up after being knocked out and then I got kidnapped by some paedophile!!!” I said, cautious not to let slip about the whole magic/teleporting thing.
“Why the fuck did you get into a fight!” dad said as he pushed me against the wall.
“I didn’t! They jumped m-” dad smashed me across the face with the tenderiser before I had finished my sentence, my vision distorting making me feel sick.
“Don’t you fucking lie to me!” he screamed as he grabbed my face and smashed the back of my head into the wall, leaving a hole in the foam wall.
“Don’t you ever get into a fight again, you hear!” but at that moment I couldn’t. I slowly lifted my head, releasing a flow of psychic energy into my dad. He flew across the room and smashed into the wall. He got up, dazed, but in a flash I was next to him, a knife appearing in my hand, glowing with my fury. I smacked him into the wall, thrusting the knife deep into his balls. I then ripped the knife off and held it to his neck, “If you ever touch me or my mum again, I will kill you” I said slowly in his ear and after a while, I drew back, knife disappearing from my hand. Turning around, I walked over to where my mum lay in the kitchen.
“Take care of yourself mum, get away, because I’m never coming back and I can’t protect you” I whispered, kissing her on the cheek. It felt cold, too cold.
“Mum!” I started to tap her shoulders, “Mum! Wake up!” this time I was shaking her. I quickly checked her pulse…
I stood there for a while, “No! No mum, you can’t be!”
“Oh but she is”
I looked up to see where the voice had come from, “I stopped her heart while you had that little episode with your dad, impressive for a beginner”
“Where are you?!” I screamed, tears streaking my face.
“Here” and to my horror, I looked down to see my mum smile, then chuckle. Her eyes black as night.
“No!” and at that moment the darkness in her eyes spilled out, covering the kitchen, covering everything until all that was left was me, my mum swallowed up by the darkness.
“Jed, I can bring your mum back, for a small price”
Turning around, I saw a black clad figure standing three meters away from me.
“I can offer you complete freedom with your powers, vengeance on the people you hate, and the power to bring people back from the dead. You don’t know what you’re capable of, you’ve only used a small part of you power today, what you can do is almost limitless”
“Wha…what…?”
“What do I want in return?” the figure laughed, “I want the light that surrounds your soul”
“You…you’re a Reaper! You’re evil! You stopped my mum’s heart! You killed her!” and at that moment a flash of shame crossed his face, then his eyes glowed a brilliant blue. He looked confused, “Where…where am I?” his panic stricken face stared blankly at Jed before switching back to a blank, forgone look and his eyes turning maroon. He paused, as if remembering where and what I’d last said, “Haha! She was already dead! Pity and depression, the pain and devastation was consuming her. She was slowly dying from the inside. I just put her out of her misery. It was just a matter of time”
“NO! I COULD HAVE SAVED HER FROM IT!!!” and at that moment, a blinding flash of light hit my eyes and I lifted into the air, my anger disappearing and replacing itself with a warm, happy feeling despite everything. I opened my eyes, seeing light spilling from my finger tips and body, but mostly from my heart. The light wrapped around me in a sphere, until it was a thick ball of white light.
“NOOOOO!” and looking down I saw the black clad figure backing away, throwing spheres of darkness into my white orb. Nothing was deteriorating the white sphere, and all of a sudden, the orb burst outwards clearing away and destroying the darkness, but not before the figure disappeared in a cloud of black smoke and managing a whisper, “This isn’t the end, I will find you. I will have your soul, you will be mine…”

KangTheMad · 04-15-2008, 02:43 PM

Quote:

Falling into a bottomless pit of nothing…what a feeling… Air, pushing past…refreshing… weightlessness surrounded by calm, soothing the cuts and bruises that have made me so weak. I feel like I could fall forever, no anguish of what has happened, or what has to come. For once I feel happy. Nothing can harm me.
I think all this until I see the gravel rushing up to greet me, forgetting that this may be an illusion. Filling with panic, I forget about my new abilities. My life flashes before my eyes, which makes me think of what a screw-up I am. An image of my head becoming a watermelon sticks behind my eyes….ew.
I close my eyes, waiting for pain of death, for the second time today. Waiting…waiting. Ok, now I’m getting impatient. Opening my eyes, I realise that I’m slowing down and turning so that I’m now facing upright.
What the fuck is going on? I wonderedasmy surroundings shimmered and dissolved into a familiar surrounding. Floating slowly towards the ground, I realise that I’m on the front step of my house.
“Huh, convenient” I start to say but I fall over, not being used to having to stand after falling for a while. Pulling myself up, I walk up to the front door until I realise that my key was in the pocket of my school pants, which was in the pedophile’s hidden house. I think I’ll just climb through the window, I thought to myself as I walked around the side of the house. The back window was always left unlocked so that dad’s ‘drug dealer buddies’ could get into the house and make pot while he was at work. I jumped onto the vent and slid up the tinted windows. The smell of pot was intense. This always meant that dad’s friends were over and making some ‘new age pot that is going to revolutionise the way we get stoned’, but it always ended blowing up in their face…literally. All the chemicals they put in it end up igniting when they light the joint.
Trying to creep into my room without them noticing me, I noticed that, on the tiles in the kitchen, were spots of blood. I walked into the kitchen expecting dad to have been fallen and hit his head on something because he usually ends up getting injured somehow while he’s high. Instead, there, on the floor, was my mum, covered in blood. Racing to her side I flipped her on her back to see bruises and cuts all down her face and neck. Desperately searching for her pulse, I hear a noise in the hallway. Looking at mum I eventually find her pulse and decide to investigate.
“Oh please, I don’t know where he is. He’s always home to package up all the pot. Don’t hurt me! I don’t know where he is!!!”
Rounding the corner, I see my dad and his friends sitting on the floor tying up bundles of pot into small bags and crushing up fresh batches with a meat tenderiser. My dad’s apparently making them all laugh.
“Ahh, speak of the devil, here comes the bastard now!” James, one of my dad’s mates, said smirking.
“I was just doing an imitation of your whore mother” dad laughed.
“What the fuck did you do to her!!!” I screamed, rage filling my body, making my magic flow. My dad got up and stormed towards me, “How dare you speak to me like that you little shit!” and Dad raised his hand, thumping me in the face, “You were supposed to be here after school to wrap up the pot! Now I have to do it myself and the customers are calling, furious that they haven’t been delivered yet! Where the fuck where you!?” dad screamed into my face.
“It’s not my fucking fault I was late! Some kids jumped me at school and beat me up! I woke up after being knocked out and then I got kidnapped by some pedophile!!!” I said, cautious not to let slip about the whole magic/teleporting thing.
“Why the fuck did you get into a fight!” dad said as he pushed me against the wall.
“I didn’t! They jumped m-” dad smashed me across the face with the tenderiser before I had finished my sentence, my vision distorting making me feel sick.
“Don’t you fucking lie to me!” he screamed as he grabbed my face and smashed the back of my head into the wall, leaving a hole in the foam wall.
“Don’t you ever get into a fight again, you hear!” but at that moment I couldn’t. I slowly lifted my head, releasing a flow of psychic energy into my dad. He flew across the room and smashed into the wall. He got up, dazed, but in a flash I was next to him, a knife appearing in my hand, glowing with my fury. I smacked him into the wall, thrusting the knife deep into his balls. I then ripped the knife off and held it to his neck, “If you ever touch me or my mum again, I will kill you” I said slowly in his ear and after a while, I drew back, knife disappearing from my hand. Turning around, I walked over to where my mum lay in the kitchen.
“Take care of yourself mum, get away, because I’m never coming back and I can’t protect you” I whispered, kissing her on the cheek. It felt cold, too cold.
“Mum!” I started to tap her shoulders, “Mum! Wake up!” this time I was shaking her. I quickly checked her pulse…
I stood there for a while, “No! No mum, you can’t be!”
“Oh but she is”
I looked up to see where the voice had come from, “I stopped her heart while you had that little episode with your dad, impressive for a beginner”
“Where are you?!” I screamed, tears streaking my face.
“Here” and to my horror, I looked down to see my mum smile, then chuckle. Her eyes black as night.
“No!” and at that moment the darkness in her eyes spilled out, covering the kitchen, covering everything until all that was left was me, my mum swallowed up by the darkness.
“Jed, I can bring your mum back, for a small price”
Turning around, I saw a black clad figure standing three meters away from me.
“I can offer you complete freedom with your powers, vengeance on the people you hate, and the power to bring people back from the dead. You don’t know what you’re capable of, you’ve only used a small part of you power today, what you can do is almost limitless”
“Wha…what…?”
“What do I want in return?” the figure laughed, “I want the light that surrounds your soul”
“You…you’re a Reaper! You’re evil! You stopped my mum’s heart! You killed her!” and at that moment a flash of shame crossed his face, then his eyes glowed a brilliant blue. He looked confused, “Where…where am I?” his panic stricken face stared blankly at Jed before switching back to a blank, forgone look and his eyes turning maroon. He paused, as if remembering where and what I’d last said, “Haha! She was already dead! Pity and depression, the pain and devastation was consuming her. She was slowly dying from the inside. I just put her out of her misery. It was just a matter of time”
“NO! I COULD HAVE SAVED HER FROM IT!!!” and at that moment, a blinding flash of light hit my eyes and I lifted into the air, my anger disappearing and replacing itself with a warm, happy feeling despite everything. I opened my eyes, seeing light spilling from my finger tips and body, but mostly from my heart. The light wrapped around me in a sphere, until it was a thick ball of white light.
“NOOOOO!” and looking down I saw the black clad figure backing away, throwing spheres of darkness into my white orb. Nothing was deteriorating the white sphere, and all of a sudden, the orb burst outwards clearing away and destroying the darkness, but not before the figure disappeared in a cloud of black smoke and managing a whisper, “This isn’t the end, I will find you. I will have your soul, you will be mine…”

Once again I am short on time, hopefully someone else will edit stuff too. For pedophile, maybe you once had it as peadophile adn it ot it wrong so you clicked "add to dictionary" I would add "pedophile" to the dictionary too.

Metok' Ha'esh!

VengefulDistain · 04-16-2008, 01:53 AM

ok thanks

booker41 · 04-16-2008, 02:06 PM

Try to take note of the comment's made on your first chapter, and revise that piece before you post another chapter. 'to much, to soon'.

KangTheMad · 04-16-2008, 02:35 PM

Vengeful, I am confused by your sig.

Metok' Ha'esh!