Diamondgirl

So this is one ive been working on for a short while, Im struggling with the "tone" of it as I initially want it to be light hearted and easy going but intend to give it a darker feeling later into the story as the main protagonists obsession grows and she is snubbed. Let me know what you think!

As the alarm wailed out to fill the early morning silence, Amber Smith flung back the duvet and headed straight for the shower, standing under the tepid water flow she contemplated the coming day. Ignoring the loud bangs of her mother stumbling about in the kitchen she wrapped herself in a threadbare towel and headed quickly back into her room.
Surveying the outfit she had laid out on the bed her stomach began to flip flop. Re adjusting the black silk bra, Amber carefully slipped on the see through chiffon blouse and pulled on her tightest jeans. Stepping into her simple red pumps she then scrutinised her usually unruly Auburn hair ,scrunched another handful of mousse into it and hoped it didn't rain today.
Smiling nervously to herself Amber slung her satchel over her shoulder and ran down the stairs, slamming the front door behind her.
Approaching the large grey building Amber turned as someone called her name, inwardly sighing as Dave ran awkwardly to catch up. Falling into step they walked side by side into Heaton Field college for the first lesson of the day. Sliding into a seat at the front of the room Amber did her best to ignore the incessant chatter filling the room around her and angled her body away from Dave and his puppy dog stares. Loosing her virginity to him last week had perhaps been a bad idea but was completely necessary in terms of the bigger picture.
The shrill sounds of the morning bell silenced them as he strode into the room to the desk at the front . Dropping his files on the desk and turning to face the class, Peter Ashbrook shrugged off his suit jacket and smiled. "Right everyone, new term new topic let us begin"
As he turned and began scrawling on the blackboard Amber took her time re acquainting herself with his arse. Feeling her cheeks flush and her stomach begin to somersault again she knew that the six week break had done nothing to dull her feelings towards him.
An hour later as everyone else was milling out of the room Amber hung back and stepped forward to his desk. As he lifted his head from the folder Peter was met with an eyeful of her breasts as she leaned across the desk. Averting his gaze upwards he smiled, Amber Smith had been one of his most astute and favoured pupils since she joined his class last term.
"Good half term Amber?" What can I do for you?" "I'm really struggling with the latest text you gave us to read, i just find it so dull, I was hoping you'd be able to spark my enthusiasm with a discussion on it after college?" Raising his eyebrow he suppressed a smirk " I really don' think that is a good idea do you?" Recalling the end of the previous term when they had entered into a heated debate about Thomas Hardy, they had ended up face to face shouting and the tension had been so immense you could almost taste it.
Moving round to his side of the desk so they were inches apart Amber leaned forward and gently rubbed some chalk from his tie. Looking up through her curls she smiled what she hoped was her most seductive smile and ignored the comment "So I'll meet you back here at Four then?" With that she turned and left the room. Once outside the room Amber took a deep breath, smiled and headed quickly to her next class.

Sam Winchester

As the alarm wailed out to fill the early morning silence, Amber Smith flung back the duvet and headed straight for the shower. [S]tanding under the tepid water flow, she contemplated the coming day. Ignoring the loud bangs of her mother stumbling about in the kitchen, she wrapped herself in a threadbare towel and headed quickly back into her room.
Surveying the outfit she had laid out on the bed, her stomach began to flip flop. Re adjusting the black silk bra, Amber carefully slipped on the see through chiffon blouse and pulled on her tightest jeans. Stepping into her simple red pumps she then scrutinised her usually unruly Auburn hair , scrunched another handful of mousse into it, and hoped it didn't rain today.
Smiling nervously to herself, Amber slung her satchel over her shoulder and ran down the stairs, slamming the front door behind her.

Approaching the large grey building, Amber turned as someone called her name, inwardly sighing as Dave ran awkwardly to catch up. Falling into step, they walked side by side into Heaton Field college for the first lesson of the day. Sliding into a seat at the front of the room, Amber did her best to ignore the incessant chatter filling the room around her and angled her body away from Dave and his puppy dog stares. Loosing (Losing) her virginity to him last week had perhaps been a bad idea but was completely necessary in terms of the bigger picture.

The shrill sounds of the morning bell silenced them as he strode into the room to the desk at the front . Dropping his files on the desk and turning to face the class, Peter Ashbrook shrugged off his suit jacket and smiled.

"Right everyone, new term new topic. [L]et us begin."

As he turned and began scrawling on the blackboard, Amber took her time re acquainting herself with his arse. Feeling her cheeks flush and her stomach begin to somersault again, she knew that the six week break had done nothing to dull her feelings towards him.

An hour later as everyone else was milling out of the room, Amber hung back and stepped forward to his desk. As he lifted his head from the folder, Peter was met with an eyeful of her breasts as she leaned across the desk. Averting his gaze upwards, he smiled. Amber Smith had been one of his most astute and favoured pupils since she joined his class last term.

"Good half term Amber?" What can I do for you?"

"I'm really struggling with the latest text you gave us to read. I ("I" is always capitalised, without exception) just find it so dull. I was hoping you'd be able to spark my enthusiasm with a discussion on it after college?"

Raising his eyebrow, he suppressed a smirk: "I really don' think that is a good idea, do you?" Recalling the end of the previous term when they had entered into a heated debate about Thomas Hardy, they had ended up shouting face to face, and the tension had been so immense ("immense" means "extremely large or great". The word you want is "intense") you could almost taste it.

Moving round to his side of the desk so they were inches apart, Amber leaned forward and gently rubbed some chalk from his tie. Looking up through her curls, she smiled what she hoped was her most seductive smile and ignored the comment "So I'll meet you back here at Four then?" With that she turned and left the room. Once outside the room Amber took a deep breath, smiled and headed quickly to her next class.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First problem - use of commas. Here's a little tip: read the sentence back to yourself, and if you pause anywhere when you read, a comma is needed before the pause. For instance: "Moving towards the room, she waited". There's a pause after "room" so you need a comma. The exception is when the pause is not significant enough to merit a comma. "A minute later she". You don't need one there, but having one is also acceptable.

Second problem - I don't feel anything for your characters. Give me a reason to like them.

And finally - your piece is all "Amber did this," "Amber did that". You need to change that up to keep the piece from becoming monotonous.

Hope this helps.

Sam.

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Diamondgirl

Thanks! Grammar has never been a strong point and when I'm writing i usually just get it all down and then revise it later. I intend to build on the characters in the next chapter. Im just trying to work out how and if Peter decideds to act on the chemistry he has with Amber straight away.

Diamondgirl

I have corrected the mistakes you pointed out in the initial section but thought I would just post the next section of the chapter to show that I am building the characters. Any further input would be greatly appreciated!

While trying to focus intently on "Advanced Maths" her phone vibrated several times in her pocket and then stopped. This continued for the next five minutes, so while Professor Banks was writing the next equation on the board she slid it out of her pocket and quickly glanced at the screen, which flashed 5 missed calls "home". Anger and panic rose simulataniously as she scooped up her books and bags and ran for the door without explanation. Marching quickly out of the main building she pressed redial several times only to receive the intermittant beep that told her the phone was off the hook.
Fumbling for her keys Amber let herself into the hallway, ignoring the piles of old papers and leaflets cluttering the floor.

"Mum?"
she called as she ran from room to room downstairs. Standing in the kitchen she took in the sight before her .Broken crockery littered the dirty lino which hadnt been cleaned in years, cupboard doors open with piles of clutter spilling out, dishes piled high on all counters. Her gaze finally settled on the table off to the left of the room, the house phone dangled by the cord off the edge with the dial tone beeping quietly, and there face down with her greasy brown hair lying in what appeard to be her own blood and vomit was Ambers mother. Her breath quickened and bile rose in her own throat she ran forward and shook her mum.
"Mum, Can you hear me?, please Mum wake up now"
Slowly sitting up Joyce Smith opened her eyes, wiped her mouth and smiled.
"Amber you're here! I couldnt open the bottle but I've done it now look"
The smell of stale sweat and Alcohol permeated the air. Holding up the broken bottle of vodka, Amber could see that Joyce's left hand was bleeding profusely and quickly grabbed the cleanest tea towel she could find to wrap round it and for what seemed the millionth time since she'd learnt how to use the phone she dialled 999.
Sitting quietly on the green plastic chair in A+E next to her mother, Amber tried to ignore the judgemental stares of those around her. She knew how bad it looked, her mother sat there in her vomit encrusted cardigan and dirty tshirt reeking of booze,. But she had long since given up trying to keep her mother or their house clean. Waiting for the Doctor to call them through Amber found herself resisting the urge to just get up and walk away.

Ungood

This is a good story... it starts out in a romance novel type way... Nothing seems mechanically off with it... in this regard... I'll let the Grammar Gurus work this over.

Ungood.

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Diamondgirl

Thanks ungood. Im gonna be on nights for the next week or so but am hoping to work on it further inbetween!.