[Devious] Prologue: any good??? - Writers Forum

VengefulDistain · 04-13-2008, 11:12 PM

[Devious]

Prologue

I pulled out the drawers, but couldn’t find it anywhere. My Apple Mac had been tipped over and lay on the floor, shattered glass everywhere.
The bed had been tipped over, the covers and pillows sliced open. The room looked arctic with all the feathers covering the floor. Glass hid underneath them, awaiting an unexpected adversary to become injured on this carpet of inexplicable pain.
I wish I new where it was so that I could stop worrying. If it had been broken then the life as I know it might as well end right now. Putting my hand underneath the cupboard I felt a warm, fuzzy object crawl between my fingers and up my arm. Springing back I yelled out as I expected a creature with razor sharp teeth and a case of bad breath to gnaw my arm off, until I realized it was just a caterpillar. It must have gotten out of my science project case which lay strewn on the floor.
“Is it safe to come out?”
“Yea I think so but did you see who took the little red object?”
“Yes”the caterpillar replied, “and they shattered it with this glowing knife and all these dark things spilled out that made the world feel like…like death” and even though it was just a little caterpillar I could feel its tiny body trembling in the palm of my hand.
Now I have to save the world again.

Ungood · 04-13-2008, 11:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VengefulDistain

[Devious]
Prologue

I pulled out the drawers, but couldn’t find it anywhere. My Apple Mac had been tipped over and lay on the floor, shattered glass everywhere.
The bed had been tipped over, the covers and pillows sliced open. The room looked arctic with all the feathers covering the floor. Glass hid underneath them, awaiting an unexpected adversary to become injured on this carpet of inexplicable pain.
I wish I new where it was so that I could stop worrying. If it had been broken then the life as I know it might as well end right now. Putting my hand underneath the cupboard I felt a warm, fuzzy object crawl between my fingers and up my arm. Springing back I yelled out as I expected a creature with razor sharp teeth and a case of bad breath to gnaw my arm off, until I realized it was just a caterpillar. It must have gotten out of my science project case which lay strewn on the floor.
“Is it safe to come out?”
“Yea I think so but did you see who took the little red object?”
“Yes”the caterpillar replied, “and they shattered it with this glowing knife and all these dark things spilled out that made the world feel like…like death” and even though it was just a little caterpillar I could feel its tiny body trembling in the palm of my hand.
Now I have to save the world again.

Hard and awkward...

I have talking caterpillars and an apple computer... this seems strange to me on every level...

Go back and re-write this... star off by saying the room was ransacked... the walk though of the destruction does not flow well... sometimes that works... but with what you have.. it does not..

Ungood.

Serendipity · 04-14-2008, 12:35 AM

You have an ok first draft. Here is what I think...for what it is worth to you:

Start out with this sentence:
I wish I new where it was so that I could stop worrying.
(Might even be good to expand on what "it" is, maybe a name if you don't want the reader to know what it is yet.)
Use the panic this person feels in this scene to give a nice "hook on emotion" to get things going.

Then talk about the ransacked place in a couple sentences. I had to read the part about finding the caterpillar twice to "get it" so the flow is a bit off there.

Good luck!

KangTheMad · 04-15-2008, 01:48 PM

...A talking caterpillar? Is this a sequel?

Metok' Ha'esh!