Thoughts of a reject. (392 words) - Writers Forum

MrMicrowave · 04-13-2008, 11:24 AM

This is just a little part of what I planned to write more on, but I wanted some feedback.
Little warning: It's not safe for children.

The silly, forced laughs.

The annoying, fake smiles.

They’re chattering about the weather. It’s just like in the movies you see and the comics you read. The ones where you think: “that’s funny, but it’s not like that in real life.” Well, it is. It’s just like that. Fake, manufactured people talking about pointless shit that nobody really cares about. Keeping up the social etiquette. I wish I didn’t come here. I don’t even know why I did.

Fuck, I wish I could stand up and tell them how I really felt about them. Then I would punch their faces in and I would masturbate in front of their bleeding eyes until I ejaculated on their fondue and their sushi. I want to tear their paintings apart, smash their television in, and I want to shit on their ridiculous, overpriced furniture.
Fuck etiquette. Fuck the media, telling you what is wrong and what is right. Fuck fat women telling you what to eat and what to read. Fuck fake television doctors telling you why you act like you do and how you should act. Fuck the people rushing to the jobs they hate because they need money to buy whatever shit the fat men in the black suits tells them they need. Fuck you, fuck your family and fuck your colleagues.

I was like you once. I used to be one of the people that I now loathe. I worked in an office from 7 to 4, every weekday. Every day, the same things. Write a report, take a hundred copies and fax them to the right people. I didn’t realize that I was wasting my life. My pay was great, my apartment was better and I believed my friends were the best anybody could ever wish for. Once a week we met up for dinner in high priced, classy restaurants. We talked about the books we had read and the furniture we had bought. We talked about the new food we had tasted and the new Chinese place in 51st street and how we just had to go there. Deep inside I always knew that we all hated it, but we were hogtied by the social etiquette. We were society’s bitches, and it was not going to let us go unless we tore the ropes off and spit in its face.

Ungood · 04-13-2008, 11:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrMicrowave

This is just a little part of what I planned to write more on, but I wanted some feedback.
Little warning: It's not safe for children.

The silly, forced laughs.

The annoying, fake smiles.

They’re chattering about the weather. It’s just like in the movies you see and the comics you read. The ones where you think: “that’s funny, but it’s not like that in real life.” Well, it is. It’s just like that. Fake, manufactured people talking about pointless shit that nobody really cares about. Keeping up the social etiquette. I wish I didn’t come here. I don’t even know why I did.

Where is Here? This is an important, if not integral, part of your story and you don't clue us in as to where we are... you just jump into this rant...

Quote:

Fuck, I wish I could stand up and tell them how I really felt about them. Then I would punch their faces in and I would masturbate in front of their bleeding eyes until I ejaculated on their fondue and their sushi. I want to tear their paintings apart, smash their television in, and I want to shit on their ridiculous, overpriced furniture.
Fuck etiquette. Fuck the media, telling you what is wrong and what is right. Fuck fat women telling you what to eat and what to read. Fuck fake television doctors telling you why you act like you do and how you should act. Fuck the people rushing to the jobs they hate because they need money to buy whatever shit the fat men in the black suits tells them they need. Fuck you, fuck your family and fuck your colleagues.

Ok.. nice emotional blast... good feeling and power there...

Quote:

I was like you once. I used to be one of the people that I now loathe. I worked in an office from 7 to 4, every weekday(Might want to make this Monday to Friday as opposed to every weekday...). Every day, the same things. Write a report, take a hundred copies and fax them to the right people. I didn’t realize that I was wasting my life. My pay was great, my apartment was better and I believed my friends were the best anybody could ever wish for. Once a week we met up for dinner in high priced, classy restaurants. We talked about the books we had read and the furniture we had bought. We talked about the new food we had tasted and the new Chinese place in 51st street and how we just had to go there. Deep inside I always knew that we all hated it, but we were hogtied by the social etiquette. We were society’s bitches, and it was not going to let us go unless we tore the ropes off and spit in its face.

Ok all in all.. Great Power and Emotion... But...

First... you have good stuff... I would adjust the order to go from "Rant" to "Action"

So you start with the "Fuck you all" and then end with the "Why the Hell am I here"

In which you explain why the hell is here...

Hope that helps you... !

all in all this is some Great Stuff!

Ungood

MrMicrowave · 04-13-2008, 03:46 PM

Thanks for the feedback. :] (More is always appreciated.)
If I did keep working on this, I would stick to the trail of explaining why the person acts the way he does, what changed him from he was in the last paragraph to how he was in the second. I suppose the first and second are kinda like a prologue.

Industrial · 04-13-2008, 04:46 PM

This is the only piece in a while I have actually left a positive comment on in awhile.

Congratulations this is some grade A dank shit right here.

Grapefight · 04-14-2008, 10:47 AM

"...society's bitches..."
Man. That's poetry.
Okay, but seriously. The prose is weak (grumpy, sure, but weak), the character is boring, unsympathetic, and, in my opinion, sort of a dork, and the content in general is vacant of originality or substance. Fine; this guy is repulsed by the insincerity of society. That's clear by the second sentence fragment. The paragraphs after that touch briefly on a few relevant details but are otherwise padded with redundant whining, a list of things he'd like to punch/break/ejaculate on, and a list of things that he demands I fuck. That's two goddamn lists. Lists are boring; were you aware of that? And the word "fuck" is not exciting, not all by itself, and it sure as hell isn't impressive or daring. It's not the convenient substitute for actual imagination you seem to think it is.
So, in closing, I say no: fuck you, fuck your family, and fuck your colleagues.

p.s.: Grammar's pretty okay though. Good for you.

Mr Sci Fi · 04-14-2008, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grapefight

"...society's bitches..."
Man. That's poetry.
Okay, but seriously. The prose is weak (grumpy, sure, but weak), the character is boring, unsympathetic, and, in my opinion, sort of a dork, and the content in general is vacant of originality or substance. Fine; this guy is repulsed by the insincerity of society. That's clear by the second sentence fragment. The paragraphs after that touch briefly on a few relevant details but are otherwise padded with redundant whining, a list of things he'd like to punch/break/ejaculate on, and a list of things that he demands I fuck. That's two goddamn lists. Lists are boring; were you aware of that? And the word "fuck" is not exciting, not all by itself, and it sure as hell isn't impressive or daring. It's not the convenient substitute for actual imagination you seem to think it is.
So, in closing, I say no: fuck you, fuck your family, and fuck your colleagues.

p.s.: Grammar's pretty okay though. Good for you.

Was this really constructive?

babeonownbike · 04-14-2008, 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrMicrowave

Fuck the media, telling you what is wrong and what is right.

This line didn't flow as well as the rest - maybe "what's" would make it more like a person's thoughts than "what is"

I also agree with ungood - I'd put the rant before the action.

Grapefight · 04-14-2008, 03:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr Sci Fi

Was this really constructive?

Hellz yeah it was constructive. Sort of a ramble, I suppose, but it got at least one valid point across.
Uh... I think.

Ungood · 04-14-2008, 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grapefight

Hellz yeah it was constructive. Sort of a ramble, I suppose, but it got at least one valid point across.
Uh... I think.

Well if I was to critique your commentary about his work I would be forced to conclude that...

No... you didn't..

Ungood.