nicebutdim

Hey. I write these a lot, just to see if I like the idea and whether it seems worth pursuing-this is one of my better and more recent ones that I quite like, but it seems a bit...off, maybe a bit to wrapped around the tick, but I'm not sure (I'm aware that was badly explained, but I'm not entirely sure what seems wrong). Anyway, I was wondering if anyone had any ideas? Cheers, Tim.

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick goes the clock, tick goes the clock that cannot stop. Tick but not tock, tick goes the clock that can never stop. Ticking away the seconds, ticking away the minutes, ticking away the hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries, millennia. Never commenting on them, except to say tick. Do you think that clock would go mad yearning to tock? Or do you think that the clock, the clock that can never stop, knows what would happen should it ever tock, ever break the eternal rhythm of the tick? Maybe the clock knows that price of going tock is too high, maybe the clock grew old and withered and insane, rather than ever go tock. Maybe, just maybe, you should not think at all about the tick-but-never-tock-clock. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Monkuta

Wow. Well, I'm not sure what your trying to tell with this prologue, but here's what I got for you.

I think it really gives of an air of insanity and yet complete order in the mind of the narrator (whether that's you or the main character). The progression of the paragraph, I think, is excellent. The way you use the ticks and tocks make it all feel like one continuous and fast speech like the babbling of a seemingly insane wise man. As a prologue, I don't think it'd do particularly well. The idea of a prologue is to be the end of a story that leads up to your story, or something that gives background to the plot in some way. This could be a good introduction to a prologue or a first chapter, but on its own, I don't think so. Though it is excellently written.

Overall, I love it. All it needs is the rest of the story to go with it.

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Erdhexe

Awww, that was really cute! How about editing it into a poem? I think it makes a really good poem, more so than a prologue.

Claudia

Ungood

:: Cough :: :: Rubs the nervous tick from his left eye ::

Ok... Ummm...

Perhaps this might make a nice Children's book, like "Tick Goes the Clock" perhaps in a Dr. Seuss like manner, might need to fix a few things to make it more child friendly...

Beyond that... I got nothing...

Ungood

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lilacstarflower

Interesting reading there - had read through it a few times to distinguish ticks from tocks (which is all i have going round my tiny mind now thanks)

Maybe you could explain a bit more about the story it's intended for?

Think it would be a great idea to edit it into some sort of poem like someone else suggested.

happy writing

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Just Jim

Hey, I like you handle.

There's a rhythm to it that is interesting. And it gives a certain psychobabble feel.

I think the problem would be where to go from here. You can't do any more of that. You would have to drop into normal prose, like describing the room where this person spends 22 hours of every day.

Please tell us what you had in mind.

Jim

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nicebutdim

Thanks guys (and girls, obviously)-I appreciate the input. As for the idea of a poem, Im not inclined to go with that as I don't have a very good knowledge (read: don't have any knowledge ) of how to structure a poem, so I'm fairly sure I would make a berk of myself. I was thinking perhaps a short story as to why the clock cannot tock-I was thinking about a comic love story between the clock and something else (to be cheesy I could make it a candlebra just to parody beauty and the beast, but I don't see it somehow) which concludes with the clock vowing to mark every second with a tick until its love returns-hence ticking away forever to cling onto the chance of the love returning. It sounds a bit odd to me though because Im not sure whether I could make it work form a comic angle, most because I can't think up anything for the other object. Any thoughts? Cheers, Tim.

BillyxRansom

I think that sounds like it could be the introduction to a first chapter, rather than any part of a prologue. That's just my opinion. But I also would like to see this take a more serious turn in future portions. I am hooked, though. Through and through, hooked.

babeonownbike

Children's story leaps to mind except the discourse is too deep for most children to grasp. Like you, I know nothing about poetry, but maybe that too. As a story, you'd have to wrap it really well in (more) good writing. I suspect as a lead-in you'd turn too many readers away.

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rocky

Probably too much ticks?

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LolliAdverbs

The rhythm is fantastic, but there are parts where you break it with using words that are not as sharp as tick and tock. I'd read outloud to see if your satisfied with it. I maybe the only one who felt the rhythm broke, so whatever.

But I do have one serious question: How can this be a prologue to anything?

I do love the idea of a comedic romance between a clock and some. In the words of Tim Gunn, the man who inspires everonye, make it work.

Raging_Hopeful

Prologues are overrated. At least, in my personal, not at all professional or well versed, opinion. Everyone always wants a prologue but I feel prologues are lazy, giving the writer an opportunity to create an "aside" when s/he should focus on creating a good story.

But I feel this passage was a bit manic which could work depending on what you're looking for. I like the child's story thing.

Cheers,
Linz

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spider8

Drip, drip, drip. Drip goes the tap. This reminds me of an Adrian Mole poem about, you guessed it, a dripping tap. Very good.

Wildcard

This is what leaped into my mind when I first read this: "Horror Story".

I think this would make a really nice intro to a story about a man who is gradually losing his mind until finally, he gets to the point of no return and...well...we all know what happens at the point of no return. I think you are very creative to come up with something like that and I really think you should pursue this. But like I said before...think HORROR.

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IndigoB

I rather like this! But I agree with Jim, you can't keep going...ticking...over and over. You will have to move it on somehow. Reminds me of sort of a cross between Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein.

Keep at it!