Dinner Time (453 words) - Writers Forum

babeonownbike · 04-12-2008, 12:46 PM

DINNER TIME

His thoughts elsewhere, Karl Bielig tugged absently on one end of his handle-bar mustache, unable to hear the desperate battle that played out on the other side of the glass, and only barely aware of the melee.

“Karl Bielig, Brigadeführer, SS.” He whispered the words to the empty room. He tried it again, more loudly this time. “SS Brigadeführer Karl Bielig.” It has a nice ring to it, he thought, proud of his new rank as Brigade Leader.

A body hit the plate glass hard as a violent skirmish suddenly erupted, drawing his attention away from his self-regard. Daily rations had just been doled out and the resulting fracas always made for interesting viewing. They knew from long experience there would be no more today, and not always the next day either, depending on his schedule. No morsel of food went to waste. Only the barest minimum was provided, resulting in regular clashes.

They seemed to manage though; none had died recently and, besides, more were readily available. They were cheaply and easily replaced. As a collective they served as a source of amusement, but as individuals they meant nothing to him.

He mused at the god-like quality of his responsibility to them, ruling, as he did, over every aspect of their inconsequential lives. He decided what time the lights came on and when they went out. They ate only if he fed them and their environment was cleaned upon his word alone. The strong survived; the sick and feeble were left to fend for themselves, while the others circled, eyeing the failing flesh speculatively.

A knock came at the open door.

“What is it?” asked Bielig, without turning from the spectacle.

“Sir, your dinner is served. Where shall I set it?” Private Otto Lenz entered, carrying a tray laden with steaming meat and vegetables, set on fine china. The clearest of spring waters was kept cool by ice that tinkled lightly inside thick-cut crystal glass. Heavy silverware, rolled in a pristine white linen napkin, completed the carefully displayed meal.

Bielig turned, slowly pulling himself from his reverie.

“Put it there,” he said, pointing to the desk.

Lenz was more than a little awed by Bielig's reputation as a fearless commander whose unflinching decisions had rocketed him through the ranks of the SS. Lenz was proud to be working under his direction and felt he could learn a lot from this man.

Setting the tray on the desk, Lenz risked a smile at Bielig. "You certainly do enjoy watching those fish, don't you, Sir?"

Fossy · 04-13-2008, 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by babeonownbike

Please comment and be ruthless!

DINNER TIME

Karl Bielig stood before the glass, unable to hear the desperate battle that played out before him, and only absently aware of the melee.

“Karl Bielig, Brigadeführer, SS.” He whispered the words to the empty room. He tried it again, more loudly this time. “SS Brigadeführer Karl Bielig. It has a nice ring to it, he thought, proud of his new rank as Brigade Leader.

A body hit the plate glass hard as a violent skirmish suddenly erupted, drawing his attention away from his self-regard. Daily rations had just been dolled out and the resulting fracas always made for interesting viewing. I would have preferred if you had told me whether the fracas was outside or inside, as I'm still not sure. In the next sentence, my brows were furrowed as I wondered who 'they' were. They knew from long experience there would be no more today, and not always the next day either, depending on his schedule. No morsel of food went to waste. Only the barest minimum was provided, resulting in regular clashes. They seemed to manage though; none had died recently and, besides, more were readily available. They were cheaply and easily replaced. As a collective they served as a source of amusement, but as individuals they meant nothing to him.

He mused at the god-like quality of his responsibility to them, here, still not sure who them are, I don't like having to guess. ruling, as he did, over every aspect of their inconsequential lives. He decided what time the lights came on and when they went out. They ate only if he fed them and their environment was cleaned upon his word alone. The strong survived; the sick and feeble were left to fend for themselves, while the others circled, eyeing the failing flesh speculatively.

A knock came at the open door.

“What is it?” asked Bielig, without turning from the spectacle.

“Sir, your dinner is served. Where shall I set it?” Private Otto Lenz entered, carrying a tray laden with steaming meat and vegetables, set on fine china. The clearest of spring waters was kept cool by ice that tinkled lightly inside thick-cut crystal glass. Heavy silverware was rolled in a pristine white linen napkin, and all was carefully displayed. The description here is good, if not passive. If you re-word this without using the word 'was' then I bet it would read much better.

Bielig turned, slowly pulling himself from his reverie.

“Put it there,” he said, pointing to the desk.

Lenz was more than a little awed by Bielig's reputation as a fearless commander whose unflinching decisions had rocketed him through the ranks of the SS. Lenz was proud to be working under his direction and felt he could learn a lot from this man. Setting the tray on the desk, he turned to leave.

“Schütze Lenz,” Bielig addressed the young man, who stopped, waiting for more. Walking toward the desk,I hate gerunds too, for a very short while I don't know who's actually doing the walking, and I find them distracting, (not that gerunds can walk lol) Bielig waved a careless hand in the general direction of where he'd been standing. “See to it the fish tank is cleaned while I’m away tomorrow afternoon. You are dismissed.”

All in all, a nice set up of a scene. Those were just the things I stumbled over in my first read.

babeonownbike · 04-13-2008, 09:58 AM

I appreciate the technical comments and have changed those. I think the opening line still needs work ("stood in his office" is bland).

If you were left thinking there was more than one collective "they" I would want to correct that. Guessing who "they" are is necessary to achieve the effect I hope for at the end. I tried, by setting and character, to mislead the reader into making assumptions about who they are, to ponder the human condition, only to be pleasantly shocked by the ending.
I wonder, have I fail in my attempt because the reader is too worried about who they are to enjoy the story?

phurst · 04-14-2008, 10:05 AM

He mused at the god-like quality of his responsibility to them, ruling, as he did, over every aspect of their inconsequential lives.

I don't like this sentence. It really doesn't exude the actuall God-like attitude of the character. Of course, my mind has drawn a blank on what I'd use to replace it. Plus, God-like requires a bit of pity, perhaps ownership doesn't. Maybe 'His chest swelled and he stood a bit taller as he realized the mantle of omnipotence lay on him.'

It took a bit to visulize what he was watching and it appears you try to keep it a mystery or want to let the reader make the scene, but I think you would be better served by giving it more detail.

babeonownbike · 04-14-2008, 10:54 AM

Phurst - I'll think over that sentence - thanks.

I suspect I was too subtle with my ending. I had hoped the reader would assume "they" were people, only realize at the end it's really the fish he's been observing. But that seems to be getting missed. A possible re-write of the ending:

Setting the tray on the desk, Lenz risked a smile at Bielig. “You do enjoy watching those fish, don’t you Sir?”

OddGodHMK · 04-14-2008, 12:46 PM

It's good but the ending is too subtle. It was only through reading your last comment that I realised you were referring to fish - though now I now, it's very clever. Nice work.

Ungood · 04-14-2008, 02:04 PM

You totally played me...

I just caught the Fish commentary AFTER I wrote a review...

Good analogy...but fish don't "Hit the Glass" at least... I have never seen that happen... all in all... nicely touching... well done... well played!

Ungood

babeonownbike · 04-14-2008, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ungood

Good analogy...but fish don't "Hit the Glass" at least... I have never seen that happen... all in all... nicely touching... well done... well played!

I hope my new ending will achieve the result I hoped for.

I conceived of this story Saturday morning when I was feeding my own fish and a fight ensued where one of the larger fish hit the glass rather hard. I don't own especially aggressive fish under normal circumstances but feeding time seems to bring out a different personality in some of them.

I like the succinctness (is that a word?) of my new ending, but another possible ending I might use is:

“Schütze Lenz,” Bielig addressed the young man, who stopped, waiting for more. Bielig walked toward the desk and waved a careless hand at the large fish tank he had been observing. “See to it that’s cleaned while I’m away tomorrow afternoon. You are dismissed.”

phurst · 04-14-2008, 03:29 PM

I certainly ended up flopping on the beach. I never saw the fish thing. I went with people all the way. I think the new ending will help. Pretty sly!

wizdem · 04-14-2008, 03:49 PM

What about using: His thoughts elsewhere, Karl Bielig paced back and fourth in his office, ?

I like the piece over all but I get the feeling he wants all the glory but none of the responsibility? For instance, he says he can't bear to hear the battle going on outside but he doesn't mind lording over them (eats when he says etc).

I just feel his personality is conflicting with what he is thinking...

I hope that makes sense?

Ungood · 04-14-2008, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by babeonownbike

I hope my new ending will achieve the result I hoped for.

I conceived of this story Saturday morning when I was feeding my own fish and a fight ensued where one of the larger fish hit the glass rather hard. I don't own especially aggressive fish under normal circumstances but feeding time seems to bring out a different personality in some of them.

I can't argue personal testimony... if that really happens... then so be it.. I just have never seen it happen... (But then again I had fat fish

... sooooooo)

Ungood.

wizdem · 04-14-2008, 05:35 PM

Ok re-reading this... the things I assumed he is 'lording' over are actually fish? Really? Why would want to write about them in this way?

babeonownbike · 04-14-2008, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wizdem

I like the piece over all but I get the feeling he wants all the glory but none of the responsibility? For instance, he says he can't bear to hear the battle going on outside but he doesn't mind lording over them (eats when he says etc).

It says he can't hear; not that he can't bear to hear ...

Quote:

Originally Posted by wizdem

Ok re-reading this... the things I assumed he is 'lording' over are actually fish? Really? Why would want to write about them in this way?

To play with language. To show how the mind makes assumptions when certain details are lacking and then to startle my reader into that realization.

Just Jim · 04-14-2008, 06:19 PM

I had no doubt who "they" were, and of course I was wrong. I thought it worked perfectly. It's well written and fast paced.

Quote:

Daily rations had just been dolled out

doled

Quote:

the sick and feeble were left to fend for themselves,

You've just described everyone fending for themselves. I know you can't say they're getting eaten. Maybe "The sick and feeble getting nothing"

Quote:

inside thick-cut crystal glass.

I won't swear to it, but I don't think crystal is thick-cut. deep-cut, yes.
and you need "a" before thick. "inside a thick cut-crystal glass."

wizdem · 04-14-2008, 06:20 PM

Maybe I should just pay more attention and not try and read and watch tv at the same time?

Actually after reading it for the third time I think I get it. Is this how the Leader will treat his soliders? Or does he only look down on those he deems less worthy?