When The Man Comes Around - Writers Forum

Katastrof · 04-12-2008, 11:39 AM

It started off like any good day; with blue skies and clear intentions. His mother had asked him to pick up a few fresh tomatoes from the local market for her famous pasta dinner. No big deal, Paria was only a couple miles away from their farmhouse and he would be back in an hour, tops. Well, at least it was suppose to end like that except the storm clouds came.

And so did the man in the white suit.

The sky in front of Joshua darkened as he drove his Ford pickup down the dusty road to the ranch. One huge dark cloud moved steadily eastward, erecting itself like black brick wall in front of the Ford’s path. Compared to the rest of the landscape it traveled across it looked like something man-made, or at least something unnatural. Maybe it was just the sunlight that made its darkness more noticeable.

“Looks like it’s gonna rain pretty hard,” Mason said before a bump flung his hands, along with the box of tomatoes, upward. Out of the corner of his eye Joshua could see him, grabbing frantically in the air, trying to bring down any tomatoes that had achieved flight. A grimace formed on Joshua’s face. He brought his brother along only because his mother would kill him if any of those tomatoes got crushed. It looked like it was turning out to be more of a hassle than anything else.

“Ya, it sure does,” Josh said, glancing at the tomatoes (they were fine, thank God) before turning back to face the mess in front of him. “But it ain’t gonna be pretty if one of them twisters shows up at our house.”

Mason smiled. “Clearly, but I bet it’ll be the twister that don’t know what hit it. If Mama can chase Dad out she could chase a good-for-nothing twister out, too.”

Joshua nodded. It was much better now that he was gone. It meant that Mason wouldn’t get belted in the stomach just because his father got drunk and Joshua wouldn’t get punched in the face just because he messed up a piece of Dad’s farm equipment. Most of all, it meant that his Mom wouldn’t have to suffer his abuse just because something in the old man’s life had fucked up.

“The twister would probably even apologize and beg for no trouble!”

Both brothers laughed. Their father had been a strong man. Over two hundred pounds of muscle had once rippled on that man; the army man who had decided to get away from it all and settle down with his beautiful red-headed wife.

Except family life wasn’t something they taught you in the army. They didn’t teach you how to cope with things, how to be happy with your life, or how deal with life’s ups and downs. What they did teach you was how to drink and that’s exactly what Dad did to drown his sorrows away. Except it’s not really coping when you regurgitate those frustrations back on your family when trying to get rid of them.

They didn’t know why it happened, but one day, their mother got tired of weathering out his drunken storms. God must have flipped some switch in her brain because she changed from a submissive house wife to a fiery independent woman overnight. Each time he tried to beat her she fought back, and like the coward he was, he finally laid off. After that he went to the local bar in order to get his unhappiness off his chest. Got most of their money off his chest, too.

At home, he would avoid her, but he tried his best to make her life a miserable mess from afar. Whenever he went to town he’d spread rumors about how she was a whore and lass than faithful. She’d then go to the grocery store and be shunned or spat at by the townspeople. Whenever grandma called, he’d pick up and shout obscenities to the women who he claimed had reared such a stupid bitch. Grandma would tell her to get out but Mom insisted it was her house too, and she wouldn’t leave it. One time he even had the nerve to destroy all the pictures in the house. That was, of course, the last straw.

When he went out drinking the night of the picture purge, she loaded his shotgun and waited for him to come back home. The minute he opened that door it was over. She didn’t even have to say a word to him. He knew. She just leveled the double barrel at his groin and motioned with her head for him to leave. He did.

He left with nothing. No car keys, no money, just the two feet God gave him and the clothes on his back. He walked out of their lives forever. No one in the town had seen him since.

His Dad’s car keys now jingled in the ignition. With every bump that the Ford endured, they made even more noise. The road was rarely repaired; even the streets in Paria didn’t get maintained. Hell, he didn’t think any of the roads in the New Mexican countryside even got looked at by a maintenance worker.

“Thank God, that storm isn’t close, eh Josh?” Mason said, cradling the box of tomatoes like a newborn child. Although Josh knew that he was just trying to comfort him through small talk, Josh grunted for him to be quiet. Mason did not have to keep his eyes on the road, unlike himself. He had to keep his concentration; it was hard driving this piece of junk on good days, let alone with dust blowing in front of the windshield.

Mason must have realized that too because he turned away from his brother and looked out the window. “Hey…who’s that?”

Joshua eyes shot to where Mason was looking. He only held them there for a brief second, but the image that he saw burned itself onto his retinas. A man in a three-piece white suit stood at the edge of the road smiling. It wasn’t his happiness amide a dust storm that made him standout. No, it wasn’t that at all. It was how he seemed out-of-place; how he seemed not to belong to the landscape he was in. Although the sand swirled around him, he did not blink his eyes and the suit clung to his body firmly, not wrinkling from the raging winds. His salty gray hair did not move in the wind either; it stood still like a woodcut frame for the man’s photograph-like face. It was like he wasn’t there at all; just an image stitched into the landscape of desert and dust.

The man’s black eyes burrowed themselves into Joshua’s and secured themselves to the back of his skull, making it difficult not to return his stare. They explored his mind, prying open his most secret fears and laughing at his most intimate moments. Those moments flashed in front of his mind’s eye and emotion swelled up in him. He averted the man’s gaze to control all the different feelings, anger, lust, remorse, but it wasn’t long before a single feeling crept back up. Panic.

The tires of the Ford hit the sand dune before Joshua had the time to slam on the brakes and it tumbled through the air. Joshua’s world twirled around him, the green Ford and brown dust blurring into each other. Both brothers screamed, but made no sound. All Joshua heard was his own heartbeat, while the Ford threw itself to the ground, tumbling over and over again like a child with a temper tantrum.

Red filled the windshield and the Ford became still.

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So tell me what you think. I have the other part in the works, I just wanna see how the start is and then rewrite the thing. Looking for style errors and generally flow. Any other comments are welcomed of course!

lilacstarflower · 04-12-2008, 11:52 AM

Here's my two cents:

I liked the opening line

"Compared with the rest...least something unnatural" - I would drop the "it did". I think just "it looked" would suffice. It interrupted the flow for me there.

Loose the brackets - either say 'the tomatoes were fine, thank God' or don't say it at all - just a personal thing, that one.

Geez - this sounds really critical and that's not how I want you to think I'm reading this. It is really good - I just think those few points would help

Good Job!

kidstaple · 04-12-2008, 05:00 PM

The idea behind the first part of this story reminds me a lot like something Stephen King would write, except of course Flagg only shows up decked out in complete black. I don't know if you were aiming for something like that, but that's what it sure reminds me of.

Keep it up! I'm looking forward to reading more of this story.

babeonownbike · 04-12-2008, 07:25 PM

I like it! Keep more coming

A few comments:

No big deal, Paria was only a couple miles away from their farmhouse and he would be back in an hour, tops. - Should we know what "Paria" is? I guessed it's the closest town, but it's not a common town name so I had to read further to be sure. Adding "ville" to it would work.

Compared to the rest of the landscape it traveled across it looked like something man-made, or at least something unnatural. - Like lilacstarflower, I too stumbled over this sentence.

Mason smiled. “Clearly, but I bet it’ll be the twister that don’t know what hit it. - would someone who uses "that don't know" also use the word "Clearly"?

After that he went to the local bar in order to get his unhappiness off his chest. Got most of their money off his chest, too. - Love this!

Whenever he went to town he’d spread rumors about how she was a whore and lass than faithful. - less

Whenever grandma called, he’d pick up and shout obscenities to the women who he claimed had reared such a stupid bitch. - woman

One time he even had the nerve to destroy all the pictures in the house. That was, of course, the last straw. - I don't think you can say "of course" when beating the kids and her wasn't enough to break the camel's back.

It wasn’t his happiness amide a dust storm that made him standout. - amid

His salty gray hair did not move in the wind either; it stood still like a woodcut frame for the man’s photograph-like face. - this is choppy. What about "His salty grey hair was motionless; like a woodcut frame around his photograph-like face."

Katastrof · 04-12-2008, 10:21 PM

lilacstarflower - Thanks for reading! You defiantly replied faster than I would expected. I see you point on that one sentence, I think I'll just have to re-work the whole thing because it seems now that it kills the flow too much.

kidstaple - Randell Flagg, eh? Hmm, I've been reading King again, so maybe some unintentional copying of the character is coming into effect. As the character is now, I don't think he's like Randall Flagg, but I do see where you're coming from. I think I might have to change him just a bit. Thanks.

babeonownbike - Thanks for all the nits, they really helped! And I'm also glad you enjoyed it. I'll try to get the next part up soon. Also, Paria is the town's name, it's a Spanish word that I decided to use to try and make it seem New Mexican without the El, or La terms thrown in.

gr8writer · 04-13-2008, 01:48 AM

I don't know if your supposed to hate the dad or pity him, I couldn't decide. I saw a typo somewhere but can't remember where. I would also like to add that your description of the man in the white suit was perfect. I wasn't really interested until I read this part. Probably just needs some touch ups, better than mine though. *cheers*

Katastrof · 04-16-2008, 08:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gr8writer

I don't know if your supposed to hate the dad or pity him, I couldn't decide. I saw a typo somewhere but can't remember where. I would also like to add that your description of the man in the white suit was perfect. I wasn't really interested until I read this part. Probably just needs some touch ups, better than mine though. *cheers*

Thanks, haven't read your's yet but I'll get to it.

I'm glad you couldn't decide whether or not to pity or hate the Dad; I did my job right for once! Although once the second part gets up I think it'll be clear cut whether you should pity him or not.