firstchapterman

Critiques are more than welcome, so thank you for the criticism. I'm looking to publish this novel and it'll be helpful to know what people think of it, thank you again.

Chapter 1,
An Abeyance
In this world there exist lies, lies, and more lies. Everywhere you go and whatever you see there is something that isn’t being told, something that should be said but instead it’s kept quiet. Go around and look, see for yourself what is being said and what is being kept a secret because it isn’t just the people that are lying, it’s the whole planet that sleeps on this mattress of lies. The sea, the sky, the mountains, and the beast, they are all lying to you and you accept it, the lies they tell, but what if you dared to questioned them?
What if you dared to see for yourself what is a lie and what is the truth, for what if you want to walk on top of the sea or actually touch the sky and if you can wouldn’t you also want to move mountains and talk with your fellow beast? If all this is possible then why don’t you do it, or is it that you no longer have faith in yourself that you can walk on top of the sea, reach and the touch the sky, move the mountains that stand in your way, and speak with beasts of different tongues. Is it that you are bound by this reality that says “no” that you can no longer listen to what says “yes”?
Listen, and then look, because what you hear is always masking what should be understood and what should be understood is the truth, to the lie, you are not willing to accept.
Hear, and then see, the truth to your own reality.


First September

Granada University
“So I know I have said this over and over before but this time I’m serious, I really know what he looks like...”
Dave paused, looked up at his friends, and then continued with his speech,
“He is this really short man, shorter than a midget but well proportionate, I mean his arms and legs don’t look scrunch up.”
Dave then put his elbows to his chest and made his knees touch each other, showing his friends how he would like if his arms and legs were scrunch up.
“And his fingers are short but slender.”
Dave placed his index finger and thumb close together and said “short” and then he widen the gap and said “slender”,
“Oh and his eyes, they have the shape of a white man’s but his face takes that of an Asian, Japanese or Chinese maybe.”
Dave traveled his hands to eyes and widened them, which in then he stretched his face to resemble an Asian’s, “And….”
Derek, the friend who was listening to Dave’s midget-god speech, interrupted Dave before having him finish his sentence,
“Okay, Dave, I think I’ve heard enough of this highly enlighten, no pun intended, revelation of yours. To think god is this midget/white/Japanese freak is ridiculous.”
Derek said this phrase of his with little to no humor in it, for you see this isn’t the first time Derek or the other student heard this revelation of Dave’s before. Dave a 24 year old ex-drug addict who when trying a cocktail made up of LSD, cocaine, heroin, and crystal meth saw an image of what seem to be God and somehow miraculously survived the four drug cocktail. Dave continued,
“You know Derek I really can’t help it, I mean if you saw God and he told you to tell one of your friends what he looked liked then wouldn’t you do the same?”
“I would but I wouldn’t tell the same damn people the same damn story of you seeing the same DAMN MIDGET GOD! Damn it Dave you really piss me off sometimes.”
Derek annoyed at Dave’s perseverance starting yelling at his friend when then she stopped texting and said,
“Ok you two why don’t we calm down now and change the subject of this midget-god.”
Samantha Bodmin, the red head from Kaysville, Utah tried to calm the two boys who were now yelling at each other when all of sudden the grand, magnificent, bodacious and sublime, if one dares, Roger Belling entered the large room with his head held high. He heard the two boys’ conversation and so thinking he could put an end to this quarrel he proudly promenade into the lounge and when the two boys look at the epitaxial man, they both stopped their yelling to look in awe at his diamond built physique and after a pause….Derek looked up at him and said,
“Roger, don’t you and Amanda have a philosophy test today?”
Roger looked at his friend, flaunted his chest and said,
“Of course I do but I couldn’t let you guys go a whole morning without seeing this sex beast ha ha ha.”
Roger laughed at himself, acknowledging his own arrogance for Roger was not only a handsome 5 foot 9 man but a very narcissistic sexy man as well and he made sure that everyone knew it, whether they wanted to or not.
“Thank you Adonis but before you go and take that philosophy test tell me, where is that best friend of yours?” Sam was speaking to Roger and referring to the last of the friends, Amy Eamon. “She doesn’t have class until 12 pm so why isn’t she here keeping me sane from these two idiots?”
Just then Dave and Derek started talking about the midget-god again and so didn’t notice the nickname Sam gave them.
“Well Sammy---”
“Don’t call me Sammy, Roger.” interrupted Sam.
“Ok Samolonian, Amy well….I don’t know where she’s at, maybe she’s sleeping or sleeeeping, yeah I have no idea but I am interested in that story, hey Dave who’s this midget-god?”
“Well I’m glad you….”
“Enough with the FREAKING MIDGET-GOD!!”
“Whoa their girly no need for such foul language there could be children nearby, in this union building of ours,” said Roger.
“Ok I’m sorry if there were children nearby but I’m really tired of Mr. Midget-God so let’s put an end to it and while we do that promise me you’ll make it to Wednesday night at Larry’s, remember 10:30 pm don’t be late, not even for a second.”
“Yeah…about that, I’m not going to be able to make it because I’m going to be sleeping.”
“What! You have to be there Roger, what will I’ll do without my sex beast.”
“I’m sorry Samolonian but I feel like going to bed early but if you order nachos and have leftovers, come over. We’ll play monopoly or some other board game.”
“Ok I’ll forgive you if we play monopoly but there won’t be many nachos left.”
Although being the arrogant person he was, Roger did however treat his friends as if they were family. Since his parents died when he was 7 and not having any brothers or sisters Roger turned his friends into his family and so to Sam and the rest they were his beloved brothers and sisters.
“Ok but if there isn’t a lot of nachos I might cheat but now I have to go get an A from Amanda.”
And so Roger left his friends and went to get his A from his dear little sister Amanda. After the test Roger wondered if Amy came back from her trip and seeing how she didn’t pick up her phone when he called her he assumed she was still in New York with her ex-boy friend Amancio Garza. Roger then went home to this empty apartment and went to sleep.
It’s an unusually dark place with no air nor sound. The person standing in the middle of the hellish abyss looks around and sees only the lifeless dark that surrounds him. He starts to worry and then tries to think where he’s at and then he hears a voice, the voice says,
“Roger, do you know where you are at?”
The person thinks….and…..thinks, and then he says, “I’m in my house.”
The voice responds, “No Roger, you’re not, you’re in my shadow.”
“Sha…dow?” the person said.
“Roger you’re in my shadow, now answer your phone.”
Roger abruptly wakes up from his dream and hears his cell phone ring. It was playing that annoying song from the Fat Brothers, you know the song that goes; Don’t be hating fat people; you ain’t fat if you don’t think your fat. After hearing his cell phone play that stupid song Roger wondered why he had such an annoying thing as his ring tone but either way he answered his phone and said, “Hello?”
“Roger Belling?”
“Yeah who’s this?”
“Hello Roger this is Officer William Morris from the Granada Police Department would you by chance know where your friend Amy Eamon is at?”
“Let’s see, what time is it---”
Officer Morris interrupted Roger and said, “Its 2:30 am.”
“I slept for 8 hours….wait why is this police officer calling about Amy?”
Roger, surprised that he slept for 8 hours, was wondering why the police was calling him and asking about Amy, and after thinking about the situation he was in he answers the officer and says,
“Well officer she should be either back at her house or she’s still in New York visiting her ex-boyfriend, why, is everything alright?”
“No, everything isn’t all right, your friend Amy isn’t in New York because she talked to her mother two days ago, in person, here in Granada but after that she hasn’t been seen since. So after questioning her mother she told us about you and that’s why I called so now, if you don’t mind, could you tell me of any other place where should could be at?”
After hearing that Amy hasn’t been seen or hear of since she talked to her mother Roger started to get worried about his friend. She should’ve been back from New York three days ago but he remembered her saying that she might stay longer if she decides to get back together with him.

firstchapterman

Second part of the chapter.





Roger kept thinking of any other place his friend could be and then he felt something really ominous and remembered Amy’s hill. It was the hill where she first took her old boyfriend, Amancio Garza, and it was here where she kissed the man for the first time and for some reason it was the hill that he thought of when asked so Roger told officer that he should try looking for Amy there. The officer thought that it was strange that the friend told him to search for her on the top of a hill so he questioned Roger and said,
“Young man excused me for asking but why do you think she could be on top of that hill?”
Roger wondered the same thing but he didn’t know of any other place where she could be at so he told the officer about the hill. Roger couldn’t think of a good reason why she might be there and he knew it was strange to tell a police officer to look for someone on top of a hill, especially someone who has been missing for two days. He thought that he might be thought of as a suspect and if by some freak chance that Amy is on top of that hill he’ll probably be arrested right there and then. Roger kept thinking about the worst case scenarios and so he started to fear that something horrible had happened to his friend. The police officer was wondering if Roger was still on the phone and so he said,
“Excuse me young man, are you still there?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry I’m still here, I was thinking of what I just said and to tell you the truth I really can’t think of a reason. Somehow I just thought of that hill, I know it sounds very suspicious to ask you to look on top of a hill to look for my missing friend but please just check it.”
“Okay, tell me, where can I find that hill you’re talking about?”
“It’s right behind the park, so you’ll turn left when you reach the first light on Harrison Boulevard. After the first left you’ll go down that street that curves and then you’ll reach a four way stop. At the four-way stop turn left and keep going straight when until you see a sign that says ‘Welcome to Glassman Park’. Once in the park you’ll have to get out of the car and walk down the paved sidewalk so from there just keep walking on that paved sidewalk until you see a tree that is split into two. Ten years ago, around there, a lightning bolt hit that tree and spilt it right down the middle so it’ll be hard to miss. Ok now once you get to the tree turn right and just walk straight and about mile down you’ll come across the hill. Me and Amy found that hill when we were kids and she went there frequently with her ex-boyfriend so I’m positive that if she’s depress or sad she’ll be there if nowhere else.”
“Ok I’ll check it out but before I do is there anything else you might want to tell me?”
“Umm, let me think for a second.”
Roger then tried to think of everything else that might help the officer and then he remembered Amancio Garza, Amy’s old boyfriend. He remembered Amy saying that Amancio or Amanie, as she called him, kept harassing her after the breakup so Roger wondered if Amy ended up getting the restraining order she said she would get. He decided he would tell the officer about Amanie anyway and so Roger said,
“Officer Morris do you know of Amy’s---” Roger was interrupted by his doorbell and so he said, “---excuse me officer but I have to go but just go to that hill, ok thanks bye.”
Roger then quickly hanged up the phone, as he was eagerly wondering who could be ringing his doorbell at such a late hour and as he opened his door he saw Sam standing outside his apartment and so he said,
“Sam what are you doing here at such a late hour, it’s already 2:30.”
“What are you talking about, you told me to come over after Larry’s.”
Roger forgot that he told Sam about coming over if she ordered nachos so he apologize but then he asked if she drove over here and she said,
“Of course I drove, you don’t think I would walk over here do you? It’s nearly 5 miles to your house from Larry’s.”
“Oh, right, I’m sorry but hey can you do me a favor and take me to Glassman Park?”
“Oh I don’t think so mister, we’re playing monopoly.”
Sam was about to walk into Roger’s apartment when Roger grabbed Sam by the shoulder and said,
“Sam, please, it’s important that I go there so can you give me a ride?”
Roger looked into Sam’s eyes and when she looked back at his she couldn’t say no so she agreed to take him to the park. Sam was actually quite rich and Sam made sure everyone knew it by driving her 2008 silver Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren Roadster convertible. The McLaren had this comely aesthetic beauty to it and when Roger entered the car he became in trance with the vehicle but Sam soon woke him from his short lived stupor by saying,
“Roger why are we going to Glassman Park?”
Sam was wondering why she was being dragged to a park in the middle of night and so in asking the question Roger looked at her and said,
“Sam I’ll tell you when you start driving.”
Sam then turned the ignition and drove off towards the park. The park was about 10 minutes from Roger’s apartment so in those ten minutes Roger recounted what had happened from the time he woke up to the time she came to his door. Roger started with the phone call he received from the officer William Morris and started to tell Sam what Morris said about Amy not being seen for two days and his reasons for calling Roger. Sam was surprised to find out that Amy went to see Amanie and scared when Roger told her that she’s been missing for two days. Roger told Sam how he told the officer to look for Amy on top of the hill since he could think of no other place to look for her. Roger then said to Sam that the reason they were going to the hill was to make sure that if Amy was there, on the hill, that she would have her friends by her side and not only the officers. Sam didn’t say a word during the whole time Roger was speaking to her and telling her about the past events. She was surprised about everything that Roger was telling her so she didn’t know what to say, she just continued to drive towards the park as she listened in silence. After Roger finish telling Sam everything that had happened the two of them spent the time they had left in the car in an awkward silence, since both of them didn’t know what to say next. Two minutes passed and Sam and Roger had now reached the park. Roger and Sam stepped out of the car and slowly close the car doors and then started to walk towards the entrance of the park. It was extremely dark and even more so since the two friends were walking without flashlights. Roger was in too much of a rush to leave his apartment that he forgot to bring a flashlight with him which caused the two to be left in the darkness of the Glassman Park.
As Roger and Sam approached the gates they saw the 4 foot fence that stood in their way. Roger placed both his hands under Sam’s left foot and lifted her halfway up the fence. Sam then jumped over the remaining half and Roger followed suit. Once inside the park Sam and Roger started to walk down the paved sidewalk heading towards the tree where the lightning bolt spilt it in half.
While walking down the paved sidewalk Sam was becoming afraid of the dark night so she clung onto Roger and in noticing that his friend was clinging onto him with immense strength Roger turned to Sam and said,
“You know Sam if you’re afraid you don’t have to come with me, you can stay in the car. It’s only going to get worse; you know we still have to go through the forest to reach the hill.”
Sam was embarrassed that she was holding onto Roger so tightly but she didn’t care and so she continued to hold onto him and say,
“Excuse me Roger but I thought it was the guy’s responsibility to protect the girl so how can you protect me if I’m in the McLaren?”
“That’s a good point, ok keep holding onto me especially when we get to the forest; it’s very easy to get lost at night.”
The tree, where the lightning bolt split it in half, was getting closer to them and in a couple more steps they would reach the spilt tree, causing them to then make their way inside the haunting forest of Glassman. As Roger and Sam came closer to the lightning split tree, it felt as if the night was getting colder and the already silence around them seem to be even more silent than before. The rustles of the wind and of the trees could no longer be heard and the only thing audible in the park where Roger and Sam’s footsteps. The air seemed thicker around the spilt tree as the two finally reached the halfway mark and as Roger turned around to his friend Sam, he felt a warm breeze pass through him. The warmth from the breeze lingered inside Roger for a couple of seconds after it pass and then it left him. Roger turned to his friend and said,
“Did you feel that Sam?”
Roger was the only one who felt the breeze go by so of course Sam didn’t know what Roger was talking about so she said,
“Feel what Roger?”
“Oh I guess it was nothing.”
Roger thought he was imagining things when he felt the breeze so he soon forgot about it and started to make his way towards the hill, as he and Sam left the paved sidewalk. The forest inside the park was filled with an eerie silence, an eerie silence that was disturb by each passing step as the heels of both Roger and Sam clashed against the twigs and branches lying on the forest ground. Roger and Sam were getting closer and closer to the hill and as they did Roger’s heart started to race as beads of sweat rolled off his forehead.
After 15 minutes of walking through the forest of Glassman Park, Roger and Sam finally arrived at the top of the ex-lovers hill. His stomach was knotted and his vision blurred. Roger made it to the top of the hill but what he saw was something that couldn’t be comprehended by the first glance, so he kept staring at it over and over for what seemed to be hours but in reality were only seconds. His heart began to swell, his eyes were filling with tears; he couldn’t believe what he saw. This wasn’t possible. What Roger was looking down at couldn’t possibly be a part of reality so he closed his eyes to leave the illusion that he was in, but when he opened them again he was still in that illusion of a reality. Roger couldn’t bring himself to believe that this was actually happening and so he stood there looking at the ground waiting for something to change but of course nothing did? Roger was the first to make it on top of the hill and so Sam still didn’t see what Roger was looking at but when she did make it to the top and when she saw what Roger was looking at she stood shocked.
Sam was standing right beside Roger and as her eyes widen as her body began to shiver, she opened her mouth and screamed. Sam continued to yell and scream, shouting at the top of her voice and as she yell the officer who Roger told about the hill heard Sam’s yells and rushed towards the hill. Sam saw the officer so she started shouting at him to come quickly while Roger still looked at Amy’s motionless corpse.
He was looking at the puddle of blood around Amy’s head and then shifted his eyes to the hole behind her skull. He noticed that parts of Amy’s front teeth were lodged in the back of her head and he also noticed her eyes were rolled back. Amy’s mouth was gaped open, causing a cascade of blood to drip down her lips and fall onto the ground. Roger also noticed that her mouth was missing the whole row of her top teeth. Every detail of Amy’s body was thoroughly examined through Roger’s eyes. Sam and the officer looked at Roger and tried to wake him from his dulled suspension but it didn’t work, Roger remain standing above Amy’s body while looking down at her corpse. Then as he was looking down at Amy, Roger felt a warm breeze pass through him. It felt like the same breeze he felt back at the spilt tree but this time the breeze was warmer and the warmth of the breeze remained inside Roger.
As the warm feeling kept swirling inside him he remained fixed at Amy’s corpse and as Roger was looking at Amy’s body a yellow light appeared. The light had this black lining around it and it was hovering above Amy’s corpse. The yellow light remained above the friend’s body. Roger wondered about the light he saw when the warmth from the breeze suddenly left him and as it did the light disappeared as well. Roger tried to think what the light was but before he could think a violent wind appeared and as it appeared the wind went to Roger and touched him causing a hurricane of some sort to abrupt inside him. The hurricane swirled inside Roger’s body and unlike the warm breeze that left appeasing warmth this violent hurricane was tearing Roger apart. Roger clinched his eyes in agony and waited for the hellish torment to stop but the feeling of being torn apart didn’t leave him and Roger felt soon he would be split into two.
As the hurricane kept swirling inside Roger’s body, tearing everything apart, Roger somehow managed to open his eyes and when he did he saw the same yellow light he did before but this time the light was much bigger than the other that it was even touching the sky. The light started from Amy’s body, which was on the forest floor, and it stretched all the way towards the sky making the yellow light looked like a yellow rectangle connecting both the ground and the sky, together.
Roger stood facing the yellow light and as he winced with pain he saw that the yellow light was coming towards him. The yellow light was getting closer and closer to him and Roger not knowing what to do just stood there watching as the every so colossal light approached him.
Roger kept looking straight in front of him waiting till the light reached him and finally the light was inches apart from Roger’s face. Roger stared deeply into the infinite light, which now stood inches apart from him, and then the light started to get closer and closer to Roger, and finally, it touched the surface of his skin. It had a smooth and benevolent touch to it, strange characteristics to give to a light but nonetheless effective to describe the serenity and calamity that accompanied it. Roger was now faced with the evils of the violent hurricane and the joys of the benevolent light. He stared deeper into the light as if he was trying to ask it to save him from his hellish torment and then the light disappeared, and after a second he notice the pain was gone as well. It was as if the pain from the wind and the joys from the light came together and forged a new sensation called bliss. As Roger was enjoying this new feeling of his he saw that his skin was getting brighter and brighter, then he saw light coming out of his body.
The light coming out of his skin was yellow with a black lining to it. Roger felt horrified at was happening but before he could think what was going on the light that came together with the hellish wind and forged Roger’s bliss started to rush out of his body until there was nothing but that yellow light in the sky. Roger looked around him and noticed that along with not having that feeling of bliss with him, he was now inside the light. Roger didn’t know what was going on but he knew he didn’t want to be in this mysterious light so he tried to walk out of it but the second he took that first step, Roger disappeared.



It’s an unusually dark place with no air and no sound. The person standing in the middle of hellish abyss looks around and sees only the lifeless dark that surrounds him. He starts to worry and then tries to think where he’s at and then he hears a voice,

“Roger, do you know where you are at?”

The person thinks, and then he says, “I’m in your shadow?”

Fantasygirl

I'll read this story later tonight, as I said in the introduction forum. Although like I said I mainly read, not a writer. Maybe more experienced writers will chime in!

IWriteUWrite

I would probably get rid of everything up to:

“So I know I have said this over and over before but this time I’m serious, I really know what he looks like…”

Unless you rework everything up until that point I would toss it. There is way too much telling there and boring description of a room. You need to really hook your readers from the get-go and, right now, this isn't doing it.

Then, there are a lot of grammar errors.

"Dave paused to look up at his ill convince friends and then continued with his speech,"

Could be better written: Dave paused and look up at his friends. They didn't appear convinced."

Simpler. Cleaner.

“He is this really short man, shorter than a midget but well proportionate, I mean his arms and legs don’t look scrunch up—”
Dave then put his elbows to his chest and made his knees touch each other, showing his friends how he would like if his arms and legs were scrunch up.
Dave then said,
“---and his fingers are short but slender--- ”
Dave then again made a gesture to give his friends a better image of what he saw and so he put his index finger and thumb close together and said “short” and then he widen the gap and said “slender”,
“---and his eyes have the shape of a white man’s eyes but his face takes that of an Asian man, Japanese or Chinese maybe---”

There is just a lot here that needs fixing. One thing that stands out: What's with all the em dashes?

firstchapterman

Thanks again Fantasy girl, and Iwrite thanks immensely for you're input.

I think you're right on the description of the room and as for the dashes, I simply thought that's what you do when you temporarily suspend a quote but if not then I'll get rid of it. I think I'll make some of the changes now and see what happens.

IWriteUWrite

"as for the dashes, I simply thought that's what you do when you temporarily suspend a quote but if not then I'll get rid of it."

They can be used for that, but you use them incorrectly and far too often.

firstchapterman

Wow, it looks like i have a lot to learn lol. Well thanks for the input and i'll have to look up those dashes and follow the rules and whatever else that follows.

So, is the first couple paragraphs better after those simple changes? Oh yeah, instead have the room described I just wrote the name where every one is at, what do you think?

Ungood

I don't do grammar or spelling or any of that... I like to focus on the mechanics of things... so that is what I plan to hit with you... I'll let other, better, people correct your grammar and things.

I stopped reading here... mainly because... beyond to critique this story.. I can't think of any motive I might possess to keep reading.

It does not tell me why I should read the next sentence... I don't even know what exactly am I reading. Is this a; Thriller, Fantasy, Paranormal, Love Story, Philosophy, what am I reading?

As a starting author Let me tell you this... you have to tell me why I am supposed to be reading this... right now I don't have any clue.

The opening part of "It's all a lie" was cute...it was perhaps the only redeemable part of what I read and allowed me to read this far... but that still had major issues... because initially I thought you were narrating for a Matrix Knock off...

Now, my suggestion is for you to go back to the drawing board and ask yourself this question "What am I writing"

Right now... I have no idea... four kids in a college dorm, with one of them talking about a drug induced vision trip... is just not holding me as something I want to read... it's... stale...

I know that sounded harsh... and I can see you put in a great deal of effort into this... but.. do you want me to just say "Oh it's great" and pat you on the back letting you think you have a winner leaving you to ponder why no one wants to take on your story... or do you want me to be up front with you..?

If anyone else thinks I am being excessive harsh.. let me know...

Ungood

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kaseyisrad

Truthfully, this is the only part I liked. I liked everything about this part. Good job.

But, the rest is scattered all over the place, and I basically have no idea what I am reading.
Take the beginning and try and go somewhere from there again. I didn't read all of this, so maybe it gets better in the second part. The part I read though, just wasn't something I'd read. Good luck.

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IWriteUWrite

"I'm looking to publish this novel"

I don't want this to sound rude (even though i know that is how it will sound). Your writing is far from being publishable. The reason I'm posting this is to let you know that you have a lot of work ahead of you. Your grammar is way off, punctuation is everywhere, the story really goes nowhere, and it's tough to tell, exactly why, the reader should be reading this.

If this was sent to a publisher, right now, I would guess it wouldn't get read past the first page.

You seem to be (and I could be wrong) someone who doesn't read much and is trying to write. Big mistake if that's the case.

Right now, you need to focus on getting down the basics of grammar and storytelling and put the idea of getting published in the distance.

I think that's the best advice I can give.

firstchapterman

Well thank you everyone for your honest remarks, and I really do appreciate it all. Hmmm, maybe I should......ok, I think I know what to do.
Oh and to Iwrite, yeah I did read a lot but I stopped a year and a half ago so I could write my book. I didn't want to subconsciously steal anything but I'll stop and study. Thanks for everything

Fantasygirl

I really enjoyed the intro section, it was very interesting. The rest of it I read in its entirety and as others have said you need to make revisions. It seems like you have a good story brewing, but need some classes to hone your writing skills.

Don't give up and get out there learning. You might even want to put this novel aside for now and write some short stories, so that you can post them here for others to give you some constructive feedback.

First step is to go out there and grab a few novels to read. That way you can see how other writers' styles are.

Good luck!

firstchapterman

thanks fantasy girl but I wrote 333 pages, 157,454 words, and it's kinda hard to let go but I think I'll go to my neighborhood library and study and read novels. Now I'm interested, do you have any recommendations on which novels I should begin with?

Wallmaker

Hi, FCM, and welcome. Here's below my notes as I read 'em. I find it's helpful into getting into your reader's head if I show you what got into mine.

And that's as far as I got before I didn't want to read anymore. I'm sorry. I just don't care about a new bodacious characters, I know nothing about these guys here... even WHERE they are... why they are together (they don't seem to like each other) or why THIS conversation is important.

Remember, this is the very first thing your readers are going to read. It needs to be engaging... no second guessing and filling in the blanks. It needs to hook people in and say look here, this is what the story is about. Reading what I see here, I couldn't tell you anything about genre or the story. I'm guessing it's sci fi from the intro or perhaps some drug influenced alteration of reality story.

Am I way off? Maybe. Or maybe it's a lucky and well thought out guess.

Congrats on writing soo much. It takes a lot of work and effort and I'm sure there's some good stuff in your stuff. Stuff that probably needs some sorting and editing I can tell from what I see. Keep editing and revising. And keep thinking about keeping those readers interested in the story. Prose and language is nothing compared to a really good story with a good set of characters. All the rest is just icing.

May I ask what your novel is about? I skimmed ahead about Amy's murder...

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gr8writer

Okay, a couple things, you need to work on your grammer and there's so much dialogue and not enough room for the story to expand. Maybe you could tell what the characters are doing while they talk or something. In my experience with reading novels; if you begin with dialogue it has to be something that catches the attention. Even where you described the characters it was hard to picture them.

When he finds out his friend has been missing for two days it should tell a little more of what's going on in his head before we hear the policeman's account. It's always good when you're writing a story to picture the characters in your head what they're doing how they act so you can pass this on to the reader. As a reader, I'm more interested in a story if I relate to at least one of the characters. When something bad happens to them, I cry. When they get the best of a situation, I cheer.

"Samantha Bodmin, the red head from Kaysville, Utah tried to calm the two boys who were now yelling at each other when all of sudden the grand, magnificent, bodacious and sublime, if one dares, Roger Belling entered the large room with his head held high." Run on sentence one of a couple I noticed.

After all is said and done, just keep working at it. You'll get it right. I worked on some of my stories for years and still haven't got them just right.

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Healing

Be gentle, it's my baby.
j/k have fun you won't hurt my feelings.