Roxane

Alright, I changed most of this and think the POV is straighter now. This is just the beginning btw.

This is the beginning of a short story im working on. I've split it into two parts, the first of which is about 500 words , you can choose to read on or just comment on the first part.

Please, tell me what you think, even if its just that you found it boring


Frail

Bruce squinted as he peered at Maria. Her profile was so different from the chubby girl he had known as a child. She looked paler and her cheekbones formed a hallow arch. Her eyes searched the valley to their feet, but there were no expressions on her face. Seeing her again after so much time, had been strange. He had felt uncomfortable, and neither had known what to talk about. Now, after three days, they were falling into a familiar silence.

A cloud slid across the sun, and his face relaxed. He looked at her lips that parted as she took a piece of fruit from the basket. She ate slowly, picking out the seeds. ‘Strawberry...of course,’ he thought.
“Why are you smiling?” Maria asked, her eyes fluttering like the frail wings of a butterfly in autumn.
“It´s nothing,” he said quietly. He would have taken an apple, something more substantial, but then he was a man.

A soft breeze blew across his face, and he could hear a bird call somewhere, behind the trees. The grass below their feet sloped into a valley that was flooded with a brilliant river. Maria took the last bite, and reached for another.
“Let´s go,” he said. He did not want to see her pick out all those seeds with her shaking hands.

She pulled away, and touched her hair. Golden locks fell along her back like small waves. Her eyes were not blue, neither were they grey or green. Perhaps something in-between, and there were golden rings around her irises. He had known these eyes so well, he could recall the curiosity, the energy that had radiated in their pupils. He remembered their light, their fire when caught in anger. Maria had changed, and in their new frame, her eyes were still.

Her dress fluttered in the wind, it was held together by a large white belt in her waist. The thin fabric was in the same light blue, as the skies above. Her feet barely touched the ground as she walked towards a young birch. She reached out her lean arm and steadied herself against the tree. Then she sat down in the grass and pulled off a sandal.
“We’ve gotta go,” Bruce said, again.
She looked up at him, reached for her shoe and carefully put it back on. Their hands met and his grip tightened around hers. He started pulling her towards him, but with a simper he dropped her back down.

Bruce could hear her laughter as he approached their horses. A moment later he fiddled with her saddle and wondered if he should help her mount. His eyes were glued on her slender waist and her chest that rose and fell with every breath she took. Maria held her head high, and gestured for him to step aside. Bruce was relieved at her easy mount.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” She asked, raising her voice against the wind.
“I’m not sure. Guess I’m trying to figure out what’s changed.”
“It’s only been four years,” Maria said, her eyes flashing in his direction.
“Yeah but, you were a kid last time I saw you.”
“Hey! I was taller than you remember?” Her tone was teasing, and strangely familiar.
“Well you’re not anymore,” he said with a smirk, remembering how they had raced as children, and that she had always jumped the last fence before him.

The horses went into a gallop and her hands slacken around the straps. Her face looked calm, and her eyes focused.

lin

Let me just mention the first and last. Probably the most important part of a story.

This is a very "wrong" sentence in many ways. Starting with the unneccesary comma. And on a lot of construction oddities. Do you say "buttons on his vest" when you talk? Do you speak of "rays of light"?
Or do you say something like, "The sun was so bright it lit up his vest buttons."?

Second line, another extraneous comma, and his eyes squinting. That's the only thing we have that squints. You can simplify this.

But also you should look into starting the story with something other than a static weather report, "dark and stormy night" thing. Think about starting with the second line, or the third, instead.

At the end, I'd lose the thundering across the earth thing. An electric storm thunders across the earth, horses usually don't except in over-writing.
"slackened on the straps" is better, but doesn't explain what's going on.

I doubt you would ever see the phrase "concentraion in her gaze" anywhere. I think you want something like "Her face was calm, but concentrated and alert".

The same sort of changes are needed throughout. I seem to remember English is your second language. Which makes your writing impressive as an accomplishment, but you have a long way to go before being publishable.
I think you need more experience reading English stories and could profit from more coaching.

Good luck with your writing

__________________

phurst

Frail Wind

The sun shone intensely and rays of light were reflected,(delete comma) from the buttons on his vest. (Who's point of view here? If it is his then okay but I would write it '...were reflected into his eyes causing him to squint.' then the POV is firm)His eyes squinted(delete comma), as he peered at Maria. Her profile was so different, to the chubby girl he remembered from childhood.(different from and delete comma or the sentence is incomplete) She was paler,(What is with all the commas? They are a pause in the reading but a major pause) and her cheekbones arched (not sure about arching cheekbones as it reads as an action. Maybe 'her cheekbones appeared different, more pronounced,')in an unfamiliar way. He wondered what she thought about, (commas, commas, commas)as he felt the detachment in her eyes.(Instead of felt - saw)

A cloud slid across the sun, making the buttons less radiant. He looked at her lips that parted, as she took a piece of fruit. She ate slowly, picking out the seeds. “Strawberry...” he thought.(This confused me earlier and thought perhaps the guy was blind. Who picks seeds out of strawberries?)

“Why are you smiling?” Maria asked, her eyes fluttering like the frail wings of a butterfly in autumn.(That's good)
“It´s nothing,” he said quietly. He would have taken an apple, something more substantial, (from the fruit basket? Te tree? The plate? Where is this fruit coming from? It's killing my visual)but then he was a man.

There was a soft breeze, and he could hear a bird call somewhere, behind the trees. She took the last bite, and reached for another fruit(delete fruit).
“Let´s go,” he said then(delete then). He did not want to see her pick out all those seeds. Not with her shaking hands. (picking out strawberry seeds with shaking hands, now that's a feat and why are they shaking?)

She pulled away, and touched her hair. Golden locks fell along her back like small waves. Her eyes were not blue, neither were they grey or green. Perhaps something in-between, and there were golden rings around her irises.

Maria was wearing a light blue dress, that was held together by a large white belt in (around not in)her waist. Her feet barely touched (sounds like she's floating. Maybe use 'Her feet left little impression on the grass')the ground as she walked towards a young birch. She reached out her lean arm and steadied herself against the tree. Then she sat down in the grass and pulled off a sandal.
“We’ve gotta go,” Tom said again.
She looked up at him, reached for her shoe and carefully put it back on. He leaned towards her, and their hands met. Her touch was frail, but he gripped firmly.

A moment later he fiddled with her saddle and wondered if he should help her up. Her head was held high, when she gestured for him to step aside. Tom’s eyes were glued on her slender waist, but he was relieved at her easy mount.(This sentence is broken. Two different thoughts. Eyes glued, easy mount. They don't belong together.)

“Why are you looking at me like that?” She asked, raising her voice against the wind.
“I’m not sure. Guess I’m trying to figure out what’s changed.”
“It’s only been four years,” Maria said, her eyes flashing in his direction.
“Yeah but, you were a kid last time I saw you.”
“Hey! I was taller than you remember?” Her tone was teasing, and strangely familiar.
“Well you’re not anymore,” he said with a smirk, remembering how they had used to race, and how she had always jumped the last fence before him.

The horses thundered across the earth, and he was relieved when her hands slackened around the straps. Her face looked calm, and there was concentration in her gaze.

This is all good, with the exception of one or two comma problems.

You use commas like they are free but it really kills the reading. Commas are a pause, a stutter. Study their use and delete about 75% of them. The POV is okay now and it is still a soft and gentel story that will pull in some readers so don't fret about all the comments. My work gets hit like that all the time but it makes me better.

__________________
Any questions? PM me because I may not return to your post again.

Do your part, find a 0 reply post and help them out.

I am what I am and you made me that way.

Roxane

Thanks lin, yeah I dont write like I talk, thats true. but then does anyone? I agree with the things you say though. Hehe I wasn't expecting to be published anytime soon anyhow I just feel like whenever my language is simple the story seems a little flat, but i can see what your driving at. I actually read a lot of English books, and am not likely to stop anytime soon.

Phurst, thanks once again, your really great. I changed most of what you suggested. Back to your question, her hands are shaking, and she picks out the seeds because she has an eating disorder (that will become obvious as I get further in the story). I want to show her somewhat strange relationship to food.
BTW picking out the seeds of a strawberry isn't so strange, a friend of mine only eats strawberry jam out of the tube (less lumps) then she smears it on her bread, lets it stand for a while (so that it is absorbed by the bread) just to pick of the remaining seeds Yep! its true!

buddy lee

Try to pick stronger verbs, you use "was" and "were" a lot.

For example, you wrote:

Maria was wearing a light blue dress, that was held together by a large white belt around her waist.

I would change it to:

Maria wore a light blue dress held together by a large white belt around her waist.

KangTheMad

Like the last time I love this story. Though you tend to throw the rues of grammar and punctuation to the wind. And you could set a more firm point of veiw. Even do it as narrative.

__________________
Click on my eggs/babies, so I can have an evil-I mean good Draconian army!

Roxane

Buddy lee, I cant believe I didnt think of it myself! thanks for the wake up call

Thanks KangTheMad, yes I know I really need to work on my grammar, sadly that doesnt really change over night Ill soon post the next part of this, I just have to proof read it a "few" more times, and Im interested to see if you think the POV is stronger in that part, as its drastically different.

IWriteUWrite

I'm a grammar nerd. Let me see if I can help you understand commas. (And don't worry about it. Most people have no idea how to use commas. Which, on a tangent, is something I've never understood: How so many people write long, creative fiction before they have any idea how to properly use punctuation or construct a sentence. I'm not saying that about you, specifically. I mean writers in general.)

Yes

1. He smiled, but she did not understand why he was happy.

Before a coordinating conjunction (and, or, but, nor, so, for, yet) to connect independent clauses.

2. After the election, the senator threw a party.

After most introductory words, phrases, or clauses.

3. My brother, a soldier, is overseas.

To set off extra, unnecessary information in a sentence.

4. My team, however, lost.

To set off a transitional expression.

5. He went fishing, hunting, and hiking.

To separate three or more items.

6. She sighed, "I guess so."

After a verb that introduces a quotation.

No (The red commas are to show where they shouldn't go)

1. The woman on the bus, is my aunt.

Not between a subject and verb.

2. He bought bait, and went fishing.

Not before part of a compound structure that is not an independent clause. In other words, "Went fishing" doesn't stand alone as an independent sentence.

3. The photographer tried to photograph Bigfoot, but, he failed.

Not after a coordinating conjunction connecting two independent clauses, but before it.

4. He cried, she laughed.

Not between two independent clauses without a coordinating conjunction. Either use a period and start a new sentence (He cried. She laughed) or a semicolon (He cried; she laughed).

5. The player, who hit the home run, became a local hero.

Not before nor after essential, restrictive information. In other words,we need to know he hit the home run to know why he became a hero. (This one is especially confusing.)

6. I found most new movies, such as, Cloverfield, I Am Legend, and Michael Clayton, to be boring.

Not after 'such as'.



These aren't, by any means, all of the rules but should give you a decent idea of basic comma usage. Buying a grammar book (I know there is one, in particular, that is popular) can help a lot with this.

KangTheMad

*blinks* Wow. I bet your Lit teacher loved you...

__________________
Click on my eggs/babies, so I can have an evil-I mean good Draconian army!

Roxane

IwriteYOUwrite, you certainly write good grammar help. Alright, Ill try to digest all this
Why people write long pieces without grammar perfection? Well I dont know if you have the urge to write, you might as well, the good thing is you probably won't even see the mistakes unless someone points them out to you!

Roxane

All right here comes the second part. I have really tried to fix the grammar, but I bet there is a lot thats still off, sorry about that. What Im interested in is if you think its possible to shift into her POV after using his.

Maria had been surprised at her happiness upon seeing Bruce and aunt Margaret at the station that morning. Just like always, Bruce and her had gone for a ride and a picnic. She had almost forgotten him while she was away. America had been so new and, John, had occupied most of her thoughts. The horse sped beneath her and she felt faint. Regulating her diet was addictive, and gave her power. She had always controlled everything, until John suddenly controlled her.

Maria turned to look at Bruce. He had grown tall, and she thought him quite handsome. What she liked most about him was that he looked so different from John. Bruce had large hands, a prominent nose and dark hair, while John was fair and refined.
“He was also weak,” she said to herself.
“Who?” Bruce’s voice pulled her out of her thoughts. She hadn’t meant to say the words out loud.
“Oh...noone”
“Who’s weak?” He paused and added; “You used to tell me everything remember?”
“Well if you really must know there was this guy in the U.S....John.”
“Want me t’ beat him up for you?” She knew it was a joke, but couldn't master a laugh. Bruce gave her a long, questioning gaze.

The old farmhouse quickly came into view. Soon she could see the garden and the white paint that had come off in spots, revealing the cold stone. They brought the horses to a halt. Bruce dismounted and held out his hand. As their eyes met he asked “What happened?”

Maria threw her left leg across the saddle, self-conscious of her short skirt. She held his hand and jumped down, landing on the ground next to him.
“We were gonna marry.”
“Yeah but we were kinda, young,” Bruce said, looking surprised.
“Not us,” she said laughing. “Me and John...anyway this other girl came along.” Bruce darted his eyes at the ground, and shuffled his feet.
“Right, you and John...what’s she got that you don’t?” Maria reached out to stroke his cheek, but he suddenly seemed too tall, and she let her hand drop.
“She’s older than me, very beautiful and...well rich”
“Oh,” he said quietly.

Maria walked on the old pave stones, towards her aunt's house. She had come here every summer as long as she could remember. Aunt Margaret had adopted Bruce when he was a baby, because she couldn’t have kids of her own. Maria’s parents had usually stayed in the city during the summer, and she had felt incredibly free out here.

Four years ago her father had accepted a job in the United States, and the family had moved. Maria had turned eighteen this year and her mother had practically ordered her to go for a vacation in England. It was supposed to be a break from reality and thoughts about John.

Margaret opened the door and drowned Maria in a hug. Everything about Margaret was soft, large, and warm. She had intelligent eyes and flushed cheeks. When she read a novel, she cried more than anyone else Maria knew.
“Yer just in time fer dinner,” Margaret said.
On entering Maria was overcome by a wave of nausea at the smell of fried meat.
“Mom, it smells delicious!” Bruce called out, as he threw his jacket on a couch. Everything in the house was somewhat old fashioned. The furniture was made of heavy wood painted green, blue and red. There was a large white fireplace guarded by golden lions. Even when the sun shone outside, the house was never quite lit.

The three of them sat down around the small kitchen table. Maria looked at the empty chair; it had been her uncle’s before he died. Margaret followed her gaze, but said nothing. They bent their heads in a brief prayer and Bruce started serving. Maria watched the steam that evaporated from her plate and sipped her water.

While Bruce finished his portion, Maria only pushed the potatoes around her plate. She didn’t feel like eating.
“What’s the matter don’t ye feel well?” Margaret asked, and Maria read concern in her piercing blue eyes.
“I’m fine; just not that hungry,” Maria said, forcing small bite into her mouth.
“But honey, its yer favorite! If ye tell me what ye’ve been eating in America, I’ll make it fer yer tomorrow.” Maria felt ashamed, but the nausea wouldn’t go away.
“Mom your food’s great. I’m sure Maria’s just not that hungry.” Bruce said, a crease knotting his brow. She knew that look. His eyes searched her plate, as though looking for an answer there.

Maria, avoiding his gaze, and chewed on an undiminishing piece of meat, fighting the urge to spit it out.

babeonownbike

Roxane,
I had done a very thorough critique and was just about to hit send when my computer crashed! Sigh. I'll go through it again because you have been kind enough to comment on my work several times. Let me say there are a lot of little things, including continued comma errors, but essentially I like your story.

__________________
~ Live your life so if anyone hears bad spoken of you it will not be believed ~

My BFF is thesaurus.com

babeonownbike

I hope you take this in the spirit it's intended . I'm far from perfect and hope I didn't make errors of my own.

__________________
~ Live your life so if anyone hears bad spoken of you it will not be believed ~

My BFF is thesaurus.com

Roxane

Gosh thank you, thats great! babeonbike, ill be commenting more on your work if this is the result!! thanks

alright I used most of your edits, just one or two sentences that i really want that way.