Novel in progress.. - Writers Forum

writerboy4 · 04-09-2008, 12:46 AM

I'm a newbie before hand and english isn't my main language,but it's my dominant one.I just started writing an story,I got the idea while riding in a bus so I had to write down on my notepad.I just want known what people with more experience think about it.What can I do to improve what I have so far?Thanks in advance for all the help.I dont known if I'm posting in the right forum,so please feel free to move it.An idea for title would be welcomed.

“The ball is snapped, there is a two man rush,the Leesburg Quarterback throws the ball in the air. A receiver jumps up but the ball falls through his hands. Ladies and gentleman, the game is over! The Leesburg Eagles lose to the Perrysville Wolfs. And Perrysville advances to the high school state championship game. What a disappointing end to the Leesburg season.”
Those words of the announcer rang through Coach William’s head all winter, as he replayed the game time and time again. It wasn’t his fault, but as the coach,he had taken the blame for the loss ;it didn’t had matter that he had beaten Perrysville during season but he had lost to them in the most important game of the season. But the seasons had changed, it wasn’t winter anymore, the grass was fresh cut and the white cape of snow had been lifted from the sidewalks.

The game had been forgotten; it was just one more lost to Perrysville and another cold winter for the town of Leesburg. He walked at a brisk pace towards the practice field; his blue eyes scanning and making sure everything was in place. Assembled in the middle of the field in top of the Eagles logo were the new and returning members of Leesburg football team. He stood in front of them and remove his cap, his hair was gray and with small bald spot forming in center of his head. As he smiled at them, his wrinkle of advance age showed; his teeth were tainted and little bit yellow. He paced in front of them as man with no hurry; without a meeting with destiny. The Coach cracked his knuckles; the knuckles gave a high crack that could be heard in the other end of the field, he put his hands behind his back and told them;

“Life begins and ends with football. There is nothing more important than defeating your opponents on Friday night in front of your hometown crowd. But you known as well as I know that our football season, it’s always disappointment if we don’t beat Perrysville.” He took a breath and continued, “For the past three seasons, Perrysville has had our number in the post-season. That silver state championship trophy sits in the glass case in the entrance of their school makes me sick. I don’t known about you but I’m sick and tired of them winning every year the right to play for state championship. If you aren’t committed to give your all every day whether in practice field or in the game, then you might as well hit the highway 814 and head to Perrysville. Because this year, whether I’m alone or not, I will defeat Perrysville and bring state championship trophy to Leesburg High. Mark my words; State Championship is coming to Leesburg.”

As the coach finished speaking, the players jumped up in unison and hollered, swinging their helmets in the air and screaming, “Leesburg Eagles! Leesburg Eagles!” He got in the middle of them and put his hand in top of them and said, “Win!” The players trotted back to the locker room as the practice ended, all of them removing their helmets with sense of pride and commitment to defeat of their arch enemies. The coach walked slowly in behind his players and took an old wrinkle yellow paper from the back pocket of his bike shorts and posted it on the bulletin board. His players rushed to board and curiously looked at the note, one of them stroke his beard and complained at him,
“Coach that curfew isn’t fair; 11:00 p.m .during week is too early and 2:00 a.m. during weekend, its early coach. At those times my night are just beginning.” The gather crowd of players around the note turned their attention to their coach waiting for his response. He scratched his wrinkled nose and look at them,
“If you boys think your partying life and your reckless lifestyle are important than football. Well, you can gather your belongings and empty your locker because I don’t want you in my team.” He just walked back to his office and slammed the door closed.

Time later, a group of boys walked out with their duffle bags and jumped in the back of a beat up red pick up truck and headed to town. Night was coming in Leesburg; it was weekend before the official start of the football season practices. The truck stopped at a Happy Burger, one of the boys jumped off from the bed of the truck and walked off. As he entered the burger place, he could hear the screeching of the wheels as the truck sped off. The eyes of the people seated inside fell upon him, as he walked in his distinct purple and crimson varsity football jacket. A blonde girl with freckles on her cheeks, walked right next to him and put her arms around him, closed her eyes and slowly kissed him in his dark red lips. As he broke off the kiss, he smiled at her and turned his attention back to ordering his food. He ordered his food and took his old beat up leather wallet and was about to place ten dollar bill on the counter, when the owner stopped him.
“Hey Josh, keep your money. The dinner is on me; just go get them when the season starts.” He smiled at the manager and took his tray, just walked to an empty booth and sat down. The girl followed him and sat across from him; she pulled her skirt down and just crossed her legs. He took bite of his burger, the grease of it dripping through the side and into the tray below. Josh put his burger down and took sip of his drink,
“Hey Daphne, So what are plans for tonight, baby?”
Before she responded to him, she picked up her dark-metallic green cell-phone and checked her text. She put her cell phone down and smiled;
“Sweetie, some of the girls from the cheerleading team are having little party down by the river bank at ten-thirty if you want go.” He smiled at her,
“So I guess I will pick you up at ten.” Josh went to eating his burger and just thinking about what was to come. This was his senior season and the pressure was on him to lead the team to where they have never been before, that was the state championship game. He knew he was good quarterback but there is one thing, he knew that he would never as good as his Father unless he won the state championship. His Father had played for Leesburg High during the 1960s and had won two state championships.

Josh stood up grabbed his tray and threw his food in the trash. He held Daphne hand as he walked out of the burger joint to her car. Her car was baby blue convertible with pink seats and fuzzy dice in the mirror. He opened the door for her and she got in, he followed in suit. Once inside, he leaned closed and slowly kissed her in the lips. He moved his hands down her blouse, slowly started undoing the buttons of it. She breathed heavily as he slowly kissed her and his hands caressed her tanned body slowly. Daphne nibbled him slowly in his ear and kissed him in the neck and slowly started undoing the buttons of his shirt. Josh moved slowly as he finished undoing the buttons of her blouse and took it and threw it in the back seat. His hard callused hands slowly unclasped her pink satin 38c bra; she slowly removed and put in the back seat. Josh put his lips slowly around her firm and subtle breast just wrapped his arms around her, as he slowly enjoyed the moment.

Amy · 04-09-2008, 08:41 AM

I think you move to quickly in your story and do not stay in one location long enough. Such as when Josh gets in Daphne's car, their relationship wouldn't move on as quick as you have written it.
Im sure it has great potential though so go back and just adjust, thing with writing is you need to read a paragraph over and over and 9/10 there will always be something to change.
Good luck x

KangTheMad · 04-09-2008, 03:04 PM

I agree with Amy. you move too fast and change from topics quickly. There are several grammar and punctuation mistakes as well. What I would do is to Double Space it on Word and print it. go over it and make corrections with a red pen. then retype it with those corrections and do the same thing over.

The Revelator · 04-09-2008, 09:34 PM

Quote:

, “Leesburg Eagles! Leesburg Eagles!” He got in the middle of them and put his hand in top of them and said, “Win!” The players trotted back to the locker room

Out more story in here, like the other two said, slow the transition down a little bit, just out some detail in about the practice before, even something along the lines of "The players went off an began practice and went until sundown working hard with the words of their coach ringing in their ears"

Quote:

you in my t

just a tiny error, should be on instead of "in"

Quote:

Time later,

try "some time later"

Quote:

t. A blonde girl with freckles on her cheeks, walked right next to him

Explain this more, show that she's his Girlfriend (I'm assuming she is).

Quote:

but there is one thing,

You changed tenses from past to present here, make the "is" a "was"

One other thing, their making love in a burger joint parking lot? I mean, I've done some crazy stuff but thats a little much, makes it a little far-fetched. Have them drive somewhere else. Other than that it started good. Do you have anymore written? If so, is the plot pretty straightforward? You should put in some plot twists to make it different than all those other highschool stories. It's a good start though. Keep it up! Add in some details about Josh too.

KangTheMad · 04-10-2008, 02:37 PM

I nevr read sport stories but this seems pretty good.

Metok' Ha'esh!