Fantasy Story I want critique on - Writers Forum

columbo1977 · 04-08-2008, 05:49 AM

PLEASE SEE THE END OF THE POST FOR THE UPDATE.

Hi Guys

I have a Fantasy story Prologue I would like your opinion on but there is two parts to it and they are both 6 pages long (double spaced) I remember people telling me not to post such long passages before so not sure what to do?

Sam Winchester · 04-08-2008, 05:58 AM

Post a page of it at a time. Don't post all three of the first part because you are unlikely to get a full critique.

Sam.

columbo1977 · 04-08-2008, 06:26 AM

ok, thansk Sam. Here is the first two pages.

Part 1 – Beginning

As the early morning mist cleared and the sun rose, the sleepy coastal town of Grimson awoke. The stalls opened in the market square and the shopkeepers were heading to open their stores. On the edge of the town square the local blacksmith opened his doors, people passing could feel the heat from the forge, they glanced as they passed seeing the familiar sight of Zak opening, up, but looking on they noticed today he seemed different, he looked as if he had just been invited to the palace to dine with the council and then found out his shop had burned down, that mix of excitement and sadness was evident on his face as he opened the doors and then he turned and the pedestrians moved on with their own lives and troubles. Zak moved towards the forge watching the flames, feeling the heat on his torso. Today would be a day like no other he thought; he looked over at his apprentice “let’s get the shop ready.” They both went about their business getting ready for the day ahead.

Upstairs in the living quarters used by his family Ryak awoke to the sounds of the bellows in the shop below and groaned, it was Saturday and unlike his friends he would not be going down to the lake to play and enjoy the sun, it was his eleventh birthday and now that he was of age he was expected to start learning the trade of the family and would not be free to spend his days playing with his friends he now had jobs that would take up most of his free time.. He looked out of the window and the square as he thought to himself, there was no point stalling, he stepped out of bed and put on his clothes he heard his mother in the kitchen making the breakfast. He stepped out of his small room and walked to the window looking down at the bustle of the town square as it began to fill up with people going about their daily business; he leaned on the sill and watched longing to be with his friends. He looked to the far end of the square at Madam Tyler’s shop, she was the local mystic selling magical charms and healing potions she was like a celebrity in the area. Ryak had dreamed of becoming her apprentice rather than the family blacksmith ever since he felt the awakening of his powers in the months leading up to his 11th year. As he sat there watching the shop a wizard walked out and started walking this way he wore a worn cloak and had a sword at his hip his face had the rough, worn look of a wizards who spent most of his time travelling the roads of Allanus not in some comfortable palace. On his chest was the emblem of the Beta Guild of mages. They were one of Ryak’s favourite guilds. Earth magic was their speciality and to be able to transform into any animal would be amazing. He heard a voice and turned round to see his mother standing there “what are you doing, daydreaming again. Go down and tell your father breakfast is ready.” He watched his mother turn and walk back to the kitchen, as he watched her go he felt something strange, a feeling of sadness seemed to be in the air. He shrugged and headed downstairs to get his father.

Thanks for looking.

Columbo

Sam Winchester · 04-08-2008, 07:32 AM

Part 1 – Beginning

As the early morning mist cleared and the sun rose, the sleepy coastal town of Grimson awoke. The stalls opened in the market square and the shopkeepers were heading to open their stores. On the edge of the town square the local blacksmith opened his doors. [P]eople passing could feel the heat from the forge. [T]hey glanced as they passed, seeing the familiar sight of Zak opening, up, but looking on they noticed today he seemed different - he looked as if he had just been invited to the palace to dine with the council and then found out his shop had burned down. [T]hat mix of excitement and sadness was evident on his face as he opened the doors, and then he turned and the pedestrians moved on with their own lives and troubles. Zak moved towards the forge, watching the flames, feeling the heat on his torso. Today would be a day like no other he thought. [H[e looked over at his apprentice (no need for the semi-colon beforehand. Put a colon after "apprentice") “let’s get the shop ready.” They both went about their business, getting ready for the day ahead.

Upstairs, in the living quarters used by his family, Ryak awoke to the sounds of the bellows in the shop below and groaned. [i]t was Saturday, and unlike his friends he would not be going down to the lake to play and enjoy the sun. [i]t was his eleventh birthday and now that he was of age he was expected to start learning the trade of the family and would not be free to spend his days playing with his friends. (you are stringing two and three sentences together at once here. You need to separate them by full-stops. [H]e now had jobs that would take up most of his free time. He looked out of the window and the square as he thought to himself, there was no point stalling. [H]e stepped out of bed and put on his clothes, hearing his mother in the kitchen making the breakfast. He stepped out of his small room and walked to the window looking down at the bustle of the town square as it began to fill up with people going about their daily business. [H}e leaned on the sill and watched longing (what is a "watched longing?" You need a comma after "watched". to be with his friends. He looked to the far end of the square at Madam Tyler’s shop. [S]he was the local mystic selling magical charms and healing potions. [S]he was like a celebrity in the area. Ryak had dreamed of becoming her apprentice rather than the family blacksmith ever since he felt the awakening of his powers in the months leading up to his 11th year. As he sat there watching the shop, a wizard walked out and started walking [t]his way. [H]e wore a worn cloak and had a sword at his hip. [H]is face had the rough, worn look of a wizard[s] who spent most of his time travelling the roads of Allanus, not in some comfortable palace. On his chest was the emblem of the Beta Guild of mages. They were one of Ryak’s favourite guilds. Earth magic was their speciality, and to be able to transform into any animal would be amazing. He heard a voice and turned round to see his mother standing there. “[W]hat are you doing daydreaming again? Go down and tell your father breakfast is ready.” He watched his mother turn and walk back to the kitchen. [A]s he watched her go he felt something strange; a feeling of sadness seemed to be in the air. He shrugged and headed downstairs to get his father.

__________________________________________________ ______________________________

There is a slight problem with your writing, Columbo: you're stringing two and three sentences into one, and only joining them with commas. You can't do that. You need to have a qualifier and a joining word. For example, you can't say: Johnny walked to the living room, the room was big, his mother was there, he sat down. That's four sentences strung into one. Another thing I've noticed about this piece - every other sentence is "Zak did this, "someone did that," "the town looked like this." There are other ways of saying these things. This style of writing grates on the reader eventually. Let me see if I can help you with that.

Quote:

Ryak had dreamed of becoming her apprentice rather than the family blacksmith ever since he felt the awakening of his powers in the months leading up to his 11th year

We could change this to: "Ryak never wanted to become a blacksmith like the rest of his family. Instead, he had often dreamed of becoming her apprentice, ever since he learned of his powers some years earlier." If you chop and change a few sentences to break the monotony of "He did," "she did," this piece should be okay.

Hope this helps.

Sam.

columbo1977 · 04-08-2008, 08:17 AM

Thanks for that Sam I will incorporate the changes and read through the rest to make sure I have improved that based on your advice. Will post back when completed.

Columbo

WritingandRaving · 04-08-2008, 09:10 AM

Hey Columbo, there are two little things I'd like to add to Sam's critique above if you don't mind.

Firstly in the line:

"... wore a worn cloak and had a sword at his hip his face had the rough, worn look of a wizards who spent..."

You have used the modifier 'worn' to describe two aspects of the wizard, his cloak and his look. Maybe two different adjectives could be used here enriching the description of the wizard. His 'weatherbeaten cloak' or his 'bronzed look' or 'haunted look' could work. What do you think?

Secondly, though it was indeed intriguing, I don't quite follow this sentence:

"Earth magic was their speciality and to be able to transform into any animal would be amazing."

In my opinion that doesn't quite connect if you read it in isolation. Obviously the implication is that 'Earth' magic involves or includes the ability to change one's physical shape. Maybe just to clarify you could change the line to something like:

"Earth magic was their speciality; harnessing the power of the wild, shape-shifting. To be able to transform into any animal would be amazing."

Hope I helped!

columbo1977 · 04-08-2008, 09:29 AM

Quote:

"... wore a worn cloak and had a sword at his hip his face had the rough, worn look of a wizards who spent..."

You have used the modifier 'worn' to describe two aspects of the wizard, his cloak and his look. Maybe two different adjectives could be used here enriching the description of the wizard. His 'weatherbeaten cloak' or his 'bronzed look' or 'haunted look' could work. What do you think?

Secondly, though it was indeed intriguing, I don't quite follow this sentence:

"Earth magic was their speciality and to be able to transform into any animal would be amazing."

In my opinion that doesn't quite connect if you read it in isolation. Obviously the implication is that 'Earth' magic involves or includes the ability to change one's physical shape. Maybe just to clarify you could change the line to something like:

"Earth magic was their speciality; harnessing the power of the wild, shape-shifting. To be able to transform into any animal would be amazing."

Hope I helped!

Hi Writingandraving, you certainly did. I will incorporate them into the story. When I said worn I was reffering to his look not his clothing, I will ammend this.

Thanks for the advice

Columbo

FirstEdit · 04-08-2008, 09:59 AM

I like it! Its hard to create new fantasy as you have done! Content is worth working with. Good ideas are the most important. Honestly, I'm an editor and published writer and I see needed grammar corrections. You could even add more exciting words when you are in your last stages of editing. Get the story down, then go back and work on it. I can help!

columbo1977 · 04-08-2008, 10:30 AM

Thanks fro that FirstEdit. I am going to update the changes in this part then I can continue and hopefully not make the same mistakes, it's all a learning curve.

i will be posting more to be critiqued.

Thanks

columbo

columbo1977 · 04-09-2008, 03:00 AM

Hi

Is it better to put each persons dialouge on its own line or run it within the paragraph?

Graham

Erdhexe · 04-09-2008, 03:08 AM

That depends on what the paragraph says. If the paragraph is all about the character who is going to say something, you can write his/her dialog in the same paragraph. If the paragraph talks about another character, then you'll have to put the dialog on its own, and perhaps use a tag such as "said ___" to avoid confusion.

At least that's how I always do it.

Claudia

columbo1977 · 04-16-2008, 08:35 AM

Hi All, here is an update please let me know what you think.

Part 1 – Beginning

As the early morning mist cleared and the sun rose, the sleepy coastal town of Grimson awoke. The stalls opened in the market square and the shopkeepers were heading to open their stores. On the edge of the town square the local blacksmith opened his doors. People passing could feel the heat from the forge. They glanced as they passed seeing the familiar sight of Zak opening up, but looking on they noticed today he seemed different. He looked as if he had just been invited to the palace to dine with the council and then found out his shop had burned down. That mix of excitement and sadness was evident on his face as he opened the doors, he then turned back into the shop and the pedestrians moved on with their own lives and troubles. Zak moved towards the forge watching the flames, feeling the heat on his torso. Today would be a day like no other he thought. He looked over at his apprentice: “let’s get the shop ready.” They both went about their business getting ready for the day ahead.

Upstairs in the living quarters used by his family Ryak awoke to the sounds of the bellows in the shop below and groaned. It was Saturday and unlike his friends he would not be going down to the lake to play and enjoy the sun. It was his eleventh birthday and now that he was of age he was expected to start learning the trade of the family. He would not be free to spend his days playing with his friends as he now had jobs that would take up most of his free time. He looked out of the window at the square and sighed. He thought to himself, there is no point stalling, I may as well get it over with. He stepped out of bed and put on his clothes hearing his mother in the kitchen making the breakfast. He stepped out of his small room and walked to the window. Looking down at the bustle of the town square as it began to fill up with people, all going about their daily business. He leaned on the sill and watched, longing to be with his friends. He looked to the far end of the square at Madam Tyler’s shop. She was the local mystic selling magical charms and healing potions. She was like a celebrity in the town. Ryak never wanted to become a blacksmith like the rest of his family. Instead, he had often dreamed of becoming her apprentice, ever since he learned of his powers some years earlier. As he sat there watching the shop a wizard walked out and started walking this way. He wore a weather-beaten cloak and had a sword at his hip. His face had the rough, worn look of wizards who spent most of their time travelling the roads of Allanus, not in some comfortable palace. On his chest was the emblem of the Beta Guild of mages. They were one of Ryak’s favourite guilds. Earth magic was their speciality; harnessing the power of the planet, shape-shifting. To be able to transform into any animal would be amazing. He heard a voice and turned round to see his mother standing there. “What are you doing, daydreaming again? Go down and tell your father breakfast is ready.” He watched his mother turn and walk back to the kitchen. As he watched her go he felt something strange, a feeling of sadness seemed to be in the air. He shrugged and headed downstairs to get his father.

Cheers
Graham

Ungood · 04-16-2008, 09:49 AM

I don't work on Grammar, I like to see at the Reality of something when it written. When I read this it felt like Harry Potter in Eragon setting.

Beyond that, there were several things that were grossly out of place for a "Medieval" type culture, but nothing that should impact the story as you want to tell it.

What you have is not bad, it just feels, "meh"

Ungood.

columbo1977 · 04-16-2008, 10:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ungood

I don't work on Grammar, I like to see at the Reality of something when it written. When I read this it felt like Harry Potter in Eragon setting.

Beyond that, there were several things that were grossly out of place for a "Medieval" type culture, but nothing that should impact the story as you want to tell it.

What you have is not bad, it just feels, "meh"

Ungood.

I am not thinking of Harry Bloody Potter, lol when I am writing this and I feel that because of its popularity this is what I am going to come up against?? after the prologue the story jumps to him as an adult you don’t follow him through childhood if that helps.

What were the things that were out of place and I can fix them? I am not specifically going for medieval. It is a world of magic and if you can't wield it yourself then there are countless magical charms etc for doing most things.

Thanks for looking

columbo

Ungood · 04-16-2008, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by columbo1977

I am not thinking of Harry Bloody Potter, lol when I am writing this and I feel that because of its popularity this is what I am going to come up against??

And a slew of others, Yup.

Quote:

after the prologue the story jumps to him as an adult you don’t follow him through childhood if that helps.

All Depends on what happens...

Quote:

What were the things that were out of place and I can fix them? I am not specifically going for medieval. It is a world of magic and if you can wield it yourself then there are countless magical charms etc for doing most things.

Quote:

Thanks for looking

columbo

Assuming your serious, let me explain something to you.

Your World is Medieval in the sense that that it is not Sci-Fi and it is not Modern.

It is the "Typical Fantasy World" Setting no matter what "Other Charms" you put in.

You have a blacksmith and he is not opening "titanium reinforced doors filled with 'jelly rubber' with his six robotic arms".

It's Medieval, admit it, embrace it, and move on.

With that out of the way:

A big thing to note is that 11 is not some magical age. (hence the Harry Potter reference) if his daddy was a Blacksmith and he was going to be a blacksmith, he would be working that forge since he was in "Pampers"

Seriously even if he daddy was planning on sending him "Madam Tyler’s" to be the local charm's person by the Time he was 11 he would be "Working" that forge and be in the total "know" regarding Blacksmithing.

But you are doing it for scene setting and most people would not challenge it. But it is still culturally heinously wrong and sets up this "Oh this is not a Harry Potter Rip off... even if sounds like it it really is"

Sorry... add that with the "Magic Within him" and the Mage Guild and so many other things just made this all feel "meh"

Ungood.