Fantasy Story I want critique on - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Limeydawg · 04-16-2008, 05:07 PM

This is difficult to edit because of the great many grammatical errors. If I might suggest a book, Lynn Truss wrote "Eats, Shoots, and Leaves." It's a brilliant lesson on proper comma and semi-colon usage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by columbo1977

ok, thansk Sam. Here is the first two pages.

Part 1 – Beginning

As the early morning mist cleared and the sun rose, <---strike this. It adds nothing, and it's implied the sleepy coastal town of Grimson awoke. The stalls opened in the market square and the shopkeepers were heading <---rewrite as "shopkeepers headed" to open their stores. On the edge of the town square the local blacksmith opened<---this is the second "opened" in as many sentences. Watch the proximity repetitions his doors, <---this should be a period/full stop people passing could feel the heat from the forge, and they glanced as they passed <---drop seeing<--to see the familiar sight of Zak opening,<---no comma up, <---period/fullstop but looking on they noticed <---drop Today he seemed different,

Quote:

he looked as if he had just been invited to the palace to dine with the council and then found out his shop had burned down, that mix of excitement and sadness was evident on his face as he opened the doors and then he turned and the pedestrians moved on with their own lives and troubles.

Here's a suggestion:
He carried a look that was a mix of excitement and sadness. It was though he had been invited to dine at the palace, only to find his shop had burned to the ground. The pedestrians, however, had troubles of their own.

Quote:

Zak moved towards the forge watching the flames, feeling the heat on his torso.

I'd be careful about stuff like this. It's unnecessary to describe every tiny movement. It distracts from the story. Also, unless the observation is relavent, I'd drop it. For example, what is the point of saying that he felt the heat on his torso? What does it add?

Quote:

Today would be a day like no other he thought; he looked over at his apprentice “let’s get the shop ready.” They both went about their business getting ready for the day ahead.

Period after "he thought." Actually, you need a comma after "no other," too. Period after apprentice. Drop the entire line beginning with "They both" since it simply repeats what you've implied or stated.

Quote:

Upstairs in the living quarters used by his family Ryak awoke to the sounds of the bellows in the shop below and groaned, it was Saturday and unlike his friends he would not be going down to the lake to play and enjoy the sun, it was his eleventh birthday and now that he was of age he was expected to start learning the trade of the family and would not be free to spend his days playing with his friends he now had jobs that would take up most of his free time..

Put a comma after "quarters" then drop "used by his family". Period after "groaned." Comma after "Saturday" and "friends", period after "sun." Comma after "birthday" and "age", period after "family." Cut everything after that.

Quote:

He looked out of the window and the square as he thought to himself, there was no point stalling, he stepped out of bed and put on his clothes he heard his mother in the kitchen making the breakfast. He stepped out of his small room and walked to the window looking down at the bustle of the town square as it began to fill up with people going about their daily business; he leaned on the sill and watched longing to be with his friends.

Period after "stalling". Drop everything underlined. Period after "square". The last sentence ought to begin: "Leaning on the sill, he watched, longing..."

Quote:

He looked to the far end of the square at Madam Tyler’s shop, <---replace with "where Madam Tyler's shop sat." she was the local mystic selling magical charms and healing potions she was like a celebrity in the area. <---drop all of this. Ryak had dreamed of becoming her <---replace with "the Apothocary's" apprentice <---comma rather than the family blacksmith <---comma ever since he felt the awakening of his powers in the months leading up to his 11th year. As he sat there watching <---replace with "watched" the shop <---comma a wizard walked out and started walking this way <---drop this and end with a period/full stop he wore a worn cloak and had a sword at his hip <---period his face had the rough, worn look of a wizards <---replace with "man" who spent most of his time travelling the roads of Allanus <---comma not in some comfortable palace. On his chest was the emblem of the Beta Guild of mages.<---comma They were <---drop this one of Ryak’s favourite guilds. Earth magic was their speciality and to be able to transform into any animal would be amazing.<---hmmm, I'm not sure your reader will get this. You are telling that the earth majic is transformative, but I'd hold off on that for a while. Drop the underlined. He heard a voice and turned round to see his mother standing there<---period. Capital "W"---> “what are you doing, daydreaming again.<---question mark Go down and tell your father breakfast is ready.” He watched his mother turn and walk back to the kitchen, as he watched her go he felt something strange, a feeling of sadness seemed to be in the air. He shrugged and headed downstairs to get his father.

Thanks for looking.

Columbo

C,

This is difficult to help with because the grammar is all over the place. Honestly, you really need to brush up on this or yours will be a long road. I sense the foundations of a decent story, but the reader will not be able to get past all the mistakes in the language.
Start by shortening your sentences, particularly where they run long. I don't want to imply you need only simple sentences, but it might be a good exercise for you. Try writing without using commas. Then, go back and see where you can join sentences together with commas. If you use this method, you'll find you use half as many, but gain twice the clarity. You also need to reread, and remove any proximity errors:the same word repeated too close to the same.

columbo1977 · 04-18-2008, 03:45 AM

Hi Limeydawg, you critiqued the first posting so I have worked most of your suggestions into the new one as I had already amended a few already.

Thanks for the suggestions, I am going to see if I can use some books on Grammer I have at home to improve mine as I dont want to fall down on that.

does this look better with the updated suggestions in it.

Part 1 – Beginning

As the early morning mist cleared, the sleepy coastal town of Grimson awoke. The market square came to life as the shopkeepers headed to open their stores. On the edge of the town square the local blacksmith opened his doors. People passing could feel the heat from the forge, and they glanced as they passed to see the familiar sight of Zak opening up. Today he seemed different.He carried a look that was a mix of excitement and sadness. It was though he had been invited to dine at the palace, only to find his shop had burned to the ground. The pedestrians, however, had troubles of their own. Zak moved towards the forge watching the flames. Today would be a day like no other, he thought. He looked over at his apprentice. “let’s get the shop ready.”

Upstairs in the living quarters, Ryak awoke to the sounds of the bellows in the shop below and groaned. It was Saturday, unlike his friends, he would not be going down to the lake to play and enjoy the sun. It was his eleventh birthday, and now that he was of age, he was expected to start working in the forge full time. He would not be free to spend his days playing with his friends as he now had jobs that would take up most of his free time. He looked out of the window at the square and sighed. He thought to himself, there is no point stalling. I may as well get it over with. He could hear his mother in the kitchen making the breakfast. He stepped out of his small room and walked to the window. Leaning on the sill he watched, longing to be with his friends. He looked to the far end of the square where Madam Tyler’s shop sat. Ryak never wanted to become a blacksmith like the rest of his family. Instead, he had often dreamed of becoming the Apothecary’s apprentice, ever since he learned of his powers some years earlier. As he watched the shop, a wizard walked out. He wore a weather-beaten cloak and had a sword at his hip. His face had the rough, worn look of a man who spent most of his time travelling the roads of Allanus, not in some comfortable palace. On his chest was the emblem of the Beta Guild of mages, one of Ryak’s favourite guilds. Earth magic was their speciality. He heard a voice and turned round to see his mother standing there. “What are you doing, daydreaming again? Go down and tell your father breakfast is ready.” He watched his mother turn and walk back to the kitchen. As he watched her go he felt something strange, a feeling of sadness seemed to be in the air. He shrugged and headed downstairs to get his father.

Thanks, Columbo

columbo1977 · 04-18-2008, 03:50 AM

Quote:

You have a blacksmith and he is not opening "titanium reinforced doors filled with 'jelly rubber' with his six robotic arms".

Now that made me laugh!

Quote:

Your World is Medieval in the sense that that it is not Sci-Fi and it is not Modern.

It is the "Typical Fantasy World" Setting no matter what "Other Charms" you put in.

It's Medieval, admit it, embrace it, and move on.

With that out of the way:

A big thing to note is that 11 is not some magical age. (hence the Harry Potter reference) if his daddy was a Blacksmith and he was going to be a blacksmith, he would be working that forge since he was in "Pampers"

Seriously even if he daddy was planning on sending him "Madam Tyler’s" to be the local charm's person by the Time he was 11 he would be "Working" that forge and be in the total "know" regarding Blacksmithing.

But you are doing it for scene setting and most people would not challenge it. But it is still culturally heinously wrong and sets up this "Oh this is not a Harry Potter Rip off... even if sounds like it it really is"

you have a good point about the boy knowing how to work in the forge, I will add this into the story.

[QUOTE}Sorry... add that with the "Magic Within him" and the Mage Guild and so many other things just made this all feel "meh"[/quote]

That is typical magic stuff, if it feels Meh! then how can I write a magic/wizard story without falling into the trap, I am trying to make it my own and be at lease a little origional.

Thanks for the suggestions

Columbo