Healing; Warning some strong language - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Ungood · 04-15-2008, 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gr8writer

I actually do know exactly what a catheter feels like, which is why I didn't make a big deal out of it, just noting that it was a stinging pain. Maybe I should try and remember exactly what went through my mind when that happened.

That would really help...

Quote:

I really don't see how I could make a whole book out of it, it would take a lot of research on the subject so that I didn't get a lot of errors about the recovery process and stuff.

Welcome to writing...

I can't tell you how many hours I have been studying stuff to make a fantasy story sound legit.

Quote:

Basically my sister told me the same thing, that this idea could be turned into a book.

Smart Girl...

Ungood.

Sam Winchester · 04-15-2008, 05:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gr8writer

Thank you Sam! Do you think it could be made into a book as Ungood suggested? I'm not sure I could expand the characters into several chapters.

It isn't a book right now? Is this just a short story? If you're dedicated to the story, I don't see any reason why you couldn't make it into a novel. Don't fret about expanding your characters; that will come with time. Concentrate, instead, on writing the story. Where do you want it to go from here? Are the MC and Walter going to get back together? Will the MC ever return to full capacity?

Where do you see the story going from here? Will she have second thoughts and go ahead with the affair, or will the doc come and profess his undying love for her, and ruin things in the process? If this is the early part of your novel, you're not going to want things to have a happy end (not yet, at any rate) so you'll have to throw a few spanners into the works to keep the suspense high and keep us interested.

Good luck with it.

Sam.

gr8writer · 04-15-2008, 05:49 PM

Thanks Sam, originally it was just a short story so you already know how I'm going to end it if you read all the way through. I wanted the ending to come as a surprise to the reader because it is supposed to seem as though MC and David are going to get together.

phurst · 04-15-2008, 05:55 PM

I heard the beeping grow rapid and a nurse hurried to my side. Her attempts to calm me went unnoticed as I struggled to grasp the memory in it's entirety. - I don't like how this reads. Perhaps 'As I struggled to grasp the memory in its (no apost.)entirety, the grentle tone that kept pase with my heart began to speed up. This sound must have summoned a nurse, who now tried to calm me.' I just don't like a beeping to grow. If her attempts went unnoticed then how did you know? Its a point of view thing.

As I came out of it I heard the gentle voice of an angel - I am not a fan of this whole paragraph. I tried to imagine what I would be thinking and that just wasn't it. We're talking a thousand thoughts and not one would be to try to figure out what was wrong. I'd be asking, yelling, struggling, till I got some answers.

I couldn't go past 'attractive mustache' I have never heard that or could ever imagine anyone using that. "A trim mustache that added to his handsome features along with sparkling blue eyes with long thick lashes and full pouting lips with just a touch of color in his cheeks that supported a heavy day old beard giving him that srtongman look that accentuated his rippling abs and buldging biceps" - ready to gag yet? Does every romance have to have the perfect man? woman?

gr8writer · 04-15-2008, 06:39 PM

well I wanted to make him a very attractive man and I happen to be attracted to men with mustaches. Maybe I should describe him differently, think schoolgirl describing a boy she likes, could you believe that?

gr8writer · 04-15-2008, 08:16 PM

rewrote the first part to flesh out the characters and lengthen it for the first chapter of a book. I know it's kind of short. I think I can add a little bit more here and there but it's a first draft.

gr8writer · 04-17-2008, 11:17 AM

just trying to unbury, hoping someone will have comments on the newly written first chapter pasted in place of my original post.

Ungood · 04-17-2008, 11:40 AM

Better... brings to life this woman... her surroundings and life... I like it... just a few things...

Quote:

Originally Posted by gr8writer

My head hurt a little as I woke up. I tried to reach over to turn off the alarm but I couldn't move. As I opened my eyes I realized I wasn't in my bed at home and that beeping wasn't the alarm. The walls were white, in fact the whole room lacked color. I noticed a stinging pain like I had to go to the bathroom then I faded back out. It may have been a minute or an hour before I woke again. I noticed the television elevated to the right of my bed. Suddenly I knew where I was, the word hospital hissed in my ear. The stinging pain was still there but I soon realized that it was a catheter (I don't like this.... it just feels out of place). I wondered if this could be a dream it was so strange, so foreign to me. Fragments of my life came to me each time I woke up. I tried to grasp on to consciousness for as long as I could, I needed time to put everything together. My life was like this giant jigsaw puzzle and I didn't have enough pieces for it to make any sense.

The memories did not come in order, they came scrambled and confused. "Jessica!" he called from the porch of a small white house. "Jessica come inside honey it looks like it might rain!" I looked around but recognized nothing. My hands were small and I wore a pair of cut off shorts above my dirty bruised legs. The man I saw upon entering the house was in his mid-fourties and quite a bit taller than me. "Please let me stay outside and play Daddy" I heard myself say with a whimper...then blackness. I woke up in the same hospital room I had been in but at least now I knew my name.

"You're going to have a baby!" The Doctor annouced with confidence. I looked over at a man with sandy hair beaming from ear to ear. "Did you hear that, Walter? I asked with joy in my voice. "We're pregnant, we're finally pregnant!!" I tried my best to look down at my belly to see if I was still pregnant. Maybe my child was waiting for me outside this very room.
"Never do that!" my Daddy screamed. "Don't ever play with that, do you understand?" I was much smaller than last time. I nodded my head and looked to my feet which were dressed in shiny black shoes. Daddy bent down and hugged me "I love you and I don't want anything to happen to you!" he said. That memory seemed of no use to me at all. Frustration swept over me, who was I and what was I doing here? A nurse came in, she was about 5'5 with blond hair just past her shoulders. Every feature seemed to exude youth and confidence. I judged her to be in her early to mid twenties. Her scrubs were just tight enough to show off her ample curves. I couldn't take my eyes off her as she took my vital signs. I tried to speak up to ask her about myself but I couldn't talk.

The man I'd called Walter in my memory was there the next time I woke up. I looked at him strangely,was this my husband? (Ummm... "we are pregnant" seems to give away a "marriage" or at least a "Committed Relationship")He was talking to the nurse, the pretty one. I felt a pang of jealousy. I couldn't understand why; I didn't even remember him how could I be jealous of him? (She does remember him) We might not even be married anymore. I tried to catch a glimpse of his left ring finger to see if there was a wedding band on it but I slipped back into oblivion before I had that chance. When I came to he was gone but I remembered a little bit more of who I was.

"Walter," I called out in a panic. "Walter come here, something's wrong!" I shouted more insistently. Walter came rushing to my side as I curled in the corner of what seemed to be a bathroom. "What, is something wrong with the baby?!?" there was panic and uncertainty in his voice. I nodded tears streaming down my face. "It hurts, I think I'm losing the baby.(This sounds off... can't tag it.... but off)" I screamed as another jolt of pain ripped through my abdomen... I struggled to remember more, I didn't want to be left in the dark this way. My chest ached with longing and I felt empty inside. There was no need to remember what happened next, I just felt it.

"How long has she been awake?" I heard a gruff male voice ask.

"Since about 4 this morning sir" a humble female one replied.

When I opened my eyes I saw that the male voice belong to a rather burly older man. I guessed from his stance that he was my doctor. "Can you hear me Mrs. Miller?" he asked. I blinked hoping that was good enough. "I'm Doctor Spencer," he began as roughly as he had started. He felt my arms and my legs then looked down my throat. "Well, I think it's clear that her muscles have attrophied from disuse. Get hold of this man,"m (Doctors would just tell the nurse to - Send up the PT, chances are they have contracts with either private organizations or do it in house) he wrote something on a piece of paper and handed it to the nurse. "He'll help with the physical therapy." I felt confused, stunned and angry at this Doctor. He should've told me what was going on. He should have known I'd be upset and confused but he didn't have the time for that.

I can't explain how it happened but that night I got my memory back. I remembered almost everything, the only thing that still eluded me was the accident. I remembered getting on a plane but it stopped there. Did it crash, I wondered. I fought for the memory to come back but it eluded me. It was like my life had ended the moment I stepped onto the plane and started back up now. As long and hard as I tried, I could recall nothing of the event. Weary of chasing a memory which would not come, I tried to figure out why my muscles had attrophed instead. (Does the "normal" person know what Attrophed means? Wilted perhaps? Numbed? Decayed?) It couldn't have been that long. How long did it take anyway? How could it possibly have been more than a few days, a week at the most. That didn't make sense though. I wasn't positive but surely it must take longer than a few days for muscles to atrophy.

I decided I had to speak, I had to say something, so I concentrated everything on my vocal chords. All that came out was a peircing scream. I wanted to throw my arms and legs into a tantrum just like a baby does but I could not make them move so I screamed louder. I almost couldn't hear that the beeping sound grew rapid or the sound of footsteps running to my bedside. I kept on screaming even as the nurse cupped her hand behind my head. I stopped for a moment just to catch my breath and heard the sound of singing. I opened my eyes to see her. The light behind her gave her gray hair an unearthly glow (This is a great time to call her an Angel) and I calmed down. She was singing an old hymn I'd heard once in church a long time ago.

"I can't even imagine what you're going through!" she said as I looked up into her soft brown eyes. "My name is Beth, everything is going to be fine. Susan is going to help you talk again, she's a good friend of mine so that's a guarantee. I also hear David Carlton is coming to see you tomorrow, he's one of the best physical therapists out there. So you just go back to sleep, we'll have you walking and talking in no time."

When Walter came in the next day I saw him through the blinds talking to the nurse again. He gave her flowers and left. The sight of him sent unexplained chills down my spine. Then suddenly the memory washed over me. I was going ski diving with Walter. I didn't even want to go, damn it. I thought indignantly. Why in the Hell did I jump? Walter and I had been arguing, he'd wanted me to jump. He said there was nothing to be scared of but I didn't want to. Then it came back to me, that asshole pushed me, I could have died damn it! Maybe he was trying to kill me! Here he was giving flowers to another girl while I lay helpless in this room, unable to move. Why did I ever marry him in the first place? I gave a little cry as my recollection of the event ended. I really did think I was going to die that day, thank God I had been wrong.

Good expand... you can start to "Feel" this woman...

She is no longer a "I woke up, it was cold, I put on socks and kicked myself in the head, that hurt"

Ungood.

Sam Winchester · 04-17-2008, 01:16 PM

My head hurt a little ("little" is really one of those words you want to avoid. It doesn't impart anything to us. A car is little compared to a truck. A helicopter is little compared to a 747. I think you need to be more specific.) as I woke up. I tried to reach over to turn off the alarm but I couldn't move. As I opened my eyes I realized I wasn't in my bed at home and that beeping wasn't the alarm. The walls were white, (use a semi-colon instead) in fact the whole room lacked color. I noticed a stinging pain like I had to go to the bathroom, then I faded back out. It may have been a minute or an hour before I woke again, and then I noticed the television elevated to the right of my bed (if you do this you can break the monotony of having every sentence starting with "I"). Suddenly I knew where I was; the word hospital hissed in my ear. The stinging (no need to tell it was "stinging" again) pain was still there but I soon realized that it was a catheter. I wondered if this could be a dream. [i]t was so strange, so foreign to me. Fragments of my life came to me each time I woke up. I tried to grasp on to consciousness for as long as I could. I needed time to put everything together. My life was like this giant jigsaw puzzle and I didn't have enough pieces for it to make any sense.

The memories did not come in order, they came scrambled and confused. "Jessica!" he called from the porch of a small white house. "Jessica come inside, honey (in dialogue you need a comma when speaking someone's name, even if it is a nickname) it looks like it might rain!" I looked around but recognized nothing. My hands were small and I wore a pair of cut off shorts above my dirty bruised legs. The man I saw upon entering the house was in his mid-fourties (forties) and quite a bit ( again, what does "quite a bit" mean? Five or six inches?) taller than me. "Please let me stay outside and play, Daddy" I heard myself say with a whimper...then blackness. I woke up in the same hospital room I had been in, but at least now I knew my name.

"You're going to have a baby!" The Doctor (no need to capitalise) annouced with confidence. I looked over at a man with sandy hair beaming from ear to ear (his sandy hair was beaming from ear to ear? That's what the sentence tells me. You might think about changing it). "Did you hear that, Walter? I asked with joy in my voice. "We're pregnant, we're finally pregnant!!" I tried my best to look down at my belly to see if I was still pregnant. Maybe my child was waiting for me outside this very room.
"Never do that!" my Daddy screamed. "Don't ever play with that, do you understand?" I was much smaller than last time. I nodded my head and looked to my feet which were dressed in shiny black shoes. Daddy bent down and hugged me. "I love you and I don't want anything to happen to you!" he said. That memory seemed of no use to me at all. Frustration swept over me. [W]ho was I and what was I doing here? A nurse came in. [S]he was about 5'5 with blond hair just past her shoulders. Every feature seemed to exude youth and confidence. I judged her to be in her early to mid twenties. Her scrubs were just tight enough to show off her ample curves. I couldn't take my eyes off her as she took my vital signs. I tried to speak up to ask her about myself but I couldn't talk.

The man I'd called Walter in my memory was there the next time I woke up. I looked at him strangely; was this my husband? He was talking to the nurse, the pretty one. I felt a pang of jealousy. I couldn't understand why; I didn't even remember him how could I be jealous of him? We might not even be married anymore. I tried to catch a glimpse of his left ring finger to see if there was a wedding band on it, but I slipped back into oblivion before I had that chance. When I came to, he was gone but I remembered a little bit more of who I was.

"Walter," I called out in a panic. "Walter, come here, something's wrong!" I shouted more insistently. Walter came rushing to my side as I curled in the corner of what seemed to be a bathroom. "What, is something wrong with the baby?!? (don't use two or three different punctuation marks. An exclamation mark can be substituted for a question mark when someone is shouting. Don't use two)" there was panic and uncertainty in his voice. I nodded, tears streaming down my face. "It hurts; I think I'm losing the baby." I screamed as another jolt of pain ripped through my abdomen... I struggled to remember more. I didn't want to be left in the dark this way. My chest ached with longing and I felt empty inside. There was no need to remember what happened next, I just felt it.

"How long has she been awake?" I heard a gruff male voice ask.

"Since about 4 this morning sir," a humble female one (unnecessary) replied.

When I opened my eyes I saw that the male voice belonged to a rather burly older man. I guessed from his stance that he was my doctor. "Can you hear me, Mrs. Miller?" he asked. I blinked, hoping that was good enough. "I'm Doctor Spencer," he began as roughly as he had started. He felt my arms and my (no need to say "my" twice) legs then looked down my throat. "Well, I think it's clear that her muscles have attrophied (only one "t" in atrophied.) from disuse. Get hold of this man." [H]e wrote something on a piece of paper and handed it to the nurse. "He'll help with the physical therapy." I felt confused, stunned and angry at this Doctor. He should've told me what was going on. He should have known I'd be upset and confused but he didn't have the time for that.

I can't explain how it happened but that night I got my memory back. I remembered almost everything; the only thing that still eluded me was the accident. I remembered getting on a plane but it stopped there. Did it crash? I wondered. I fought for the memory to come back but it eluded me. It was like my life had ended the moment I stepped onto the plane, and started back up now. As long and hard as I tried, I could recall nothing of the event. Weary of chasing a memory which would not come, I tried to figure out why my muscles had attrophed (atrophied) instead. It couldn't have been that long. How long did it take anyway? How could it possibly have been more than a few days, a week at the most. That didn't make sense though. I wasn't positive but surely it must take longer than a few days for muscles to atrophy.

I decided I had to speak. I had to say something, so I concentrated everything on my vocal chords. All that came out was a peircing (piercing; i before e except after c) scream. I wanted to throw my arms and legs into a tantrum just like a baby does, but I could not make them move, so I screamed louder. I almost couldn't hear that the beeping sound grew rapid or the sound of footsteps running to my bedside. I kept on screaming even as the nurse cupped her hand behind my head. I stopped for a moment just to catch my breath, and heard the sound of singing. I opened my eyes to see her. The light behind her gave her gray hair an unearthly glow and I calmed down. She was singing an old hymn I'd heard once in church a long time ago.

"I can't even imagine what you're going through!" she said as I looked up into her soft brown eyes. "My name is Beth, and everything is going to be fine. Susan is going to help you talk again. [S]he's a good friend of mine so that's a guarantee. I also hear David Carlton is coming to see you tomorrow; he's one of the best physical therapists out there. So you just go back to sleep, and we'll have you walking and talking in no time."

When Walter came in the next day, I saw him, through the blinds, talking to the nurse again. He gave her flowers and left. The sight of him sent unexplained chills down my spine. Then suddenly the memory washed over me. I was going ski diving with Walter. I didn't even want to go, damn it, I thought indignantly. Why in the Hell did I jump? Walter and I had been arguing; he'd wanted me to jump. He said there was nothing to be scared of but I didn't want to. Then it came back to me: that asshole pushed me. I could have died, damn it! Maybe he was trying to kill me! Here he was giving flowers to another girl while I lay helpless in this room, unable to move. Why did I ever marry him in the first place? I gave a little cry as my recollection of the event ended. I really did think I was going to die that day. Thank God I had been wrong.
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You use the passive voice too much, gr8writer. Try to write in the active voice more. Read your sentences back to you, also. Usually you can tell if a comma or a full-stop is needed. You have places here where commas are used when full-stops are actually needed. It'll come, though, with a bit of practice.

Sam.

phurst · 04-17-2008, 06:14 PM

As for the passive writing try this Aztekera - Tools - To Be Verbs Analyzer

It read much better and more realistic.

I would get get into the walter thing sooner but it is not important, just a minor suggestion.

gr8writer · 04-19-2008, 07:25 PM

thanks all for your helpful suggestions and grammatical corrections