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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 248
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Opening Chapter - read as much as you can
I am interested in knowing where you quit reading and why, how good is the dialogue, and how good is the hook.
“Be careful. The ice is a little thin over there.”
“Yeah, right,” Kenny replied as he skated over to the edge of the pond and pulled the puck off of the snow and back onto the ice.
Brad Wilson, Jerry Murphy, and Scooter stood in the center of Baily’s pond above the tiny town of Friendship, New York. The two-on-two hockey game consisted of mostly passing and trying trick shots. Down at the other end stood three girls with figure skates, huddled together. They drew the boy’s attention occasionally as their intermittent laughter floated across the ice. Kenny focused on one girl in particular, Kathryn, a pretty blonde. She was a senior, the same as Kenny, but all through the years she seemed more interested in upperclassmen. Kenny had spoken to her a few times in passing and even though she seemed interested, he had never been brave enough to ask her out. He noticed her glancing their way and wondered if she liked him enough to go out.
The pale yellow sun hovered on the horizon, turning the rest of the sky red and the ice on the pond pink. The temperature, just below freezing, began to drop further as the sun gave up its command of the cold, hazy winter sky. Brad, scooter, and Jerry all glided over to the log on the edge of the pond and started taking off their skates. Kenny stood there taking quick peeks at the changing sun, the distant hillsides, and the girls, Kathryn in particular.
“C’mon Kenny,” said Scooter. “We gotta go. Getting late. Supper’s ready. Food’s on.”
“Yeah Kenny,” echoed Brad. “Supper, then h. o. m. e. w. o. r. k!”
“Look who can spell,” said Scooter.
“Seems like Christmas break was months ago,” said Jerry.
“It was, ya dipwad,” said Brad.
Kenny just stood there, half listening, still hoping to catch Kathryn looking back. Scooter poked Jerry in the ribs and faked a whisper he knew Kenny could hear.
“He’s gonna stay and practice his fag-ur-skating with his girlfriend.”
The three broke out in laughs. Kenny caught just enough of the comment to snap him back to the moment. He looked at his friends with a shy smile. Then, with the ease and grace of a professional, he skated backwards to the middle of the pond, leapt, spun gracefully in the air, and landed perfectly on the outside edge. He spread his arms like wings and lifted one leg out behind him as he glided slowly backward. He made a sudden stop that sprayed ice chips from his skate and ended in a bow. The three boys whistled and clapped their gloves together making muffled pops. He looked toward the girls but they had already walked away, skates dangling from their hands. He skated back over to where the other three were already pulling on their boots.
“Why don’t ya come on over to my house?” asked Brad. “Mom’s gonna cook too much food and maybe we could eat in the basement and play Deathmatch Seven.”
“That’s alright. I want to skate around a little more. Mrs. Woorely doesn’t put supper on till full dark and it’s there even if I’m late. I wanna work on dragging the puck.”
The three looked at him for a moment then raised their hands in a wave. Just before they turned down the road, Scooter turned and shouted.
“Don’t fall in!”
The three laughed and moved out of sight.
Kenny just smiled and waved back. The ice measured a foot thick. It wouldn’t break if an elephant fell on it, he thought.
He picked up his stick and slid the puck to the center of the ice. His story about wanting to practice had been a lie. He just wanted to enjoy the aloneness. He turned toward the sun, now lower and blazing red, coloring the thin clouds in the horizon orange, pink, and purple. He loved the sunsets and even though this one put off no heat, he closed his eyes and stretched his face toward it as if to gather the last few rays.
As he stood there, he thought of his mother and father as he often did, killed in a car accident when he was eight. He kept his memory of their faces alive with the photos he kept in a shoebox. They were the only things he could call his own. Since he was their only child and had no relatives close by, he had been placed in foster care. Standing there on the pond with the brilliant sunset and the memories of his mother and father, Kenny felt at ease. He didn’t need photos to remember the love, the warmth, and the comfort of his family. He could recall the three of them in the park on a spring day playing tag. He remembered how his father had pushed him on the swings or held his arms and spun him in circles. He could almost feel the smooth touch of his mother’s hand on the back of his neck as she helped him with his homework. In his mind he could feel the group hug they always laughed about just before bedtime. It felt like they stood beside him at that very moment.
He felt the tears running down his cheeks and smiled. He didn’t think there was anything wrong with crying, as long as it was for love. He wanted to wish he still had his parents, but something inside told him that wishing for something was as wrong as stealing.
He opened his eyes to twinkling stars and wiped his tears away. When he turned to skate away, he heard the ice crack. Normally, he wouldn’t have given it a second thought, as the ice always shifted. Even twelve inch thick ice cracked and popped as it expanded and contracted with the temperature. This felt different. The ice sank beneath him. Instinctively, he took a deep breath as a hole opened up below him. In an instant, Kenny dropped in over his head. The cold stung every nerve. Later he would remember it as sizzling, like a branding iron, like fire. He kicked his feet and flapped his arms to no avail. The water rushed in and filled his skates, coat, and pants, pulling him down. He held his breath even as the pressure began pushing against his chest. He began unzipping his bulky coat before his fingers went numb. His mind waged a war against itself with one side telling him to exhale and another telling him he if he did he would surely die. The panic distracted him from the growing numbness. Bright flashes of light burst before his eyes and his head filled with unbearable pressure. He felt the blades on his skates strike the rocks as he hit bottom. Somehow, the silly thought that he would have to re-sharpen them passed through his mind. Then he remembered a game he used to play with his friends at the pool. They would go to the bottom and crouch and, with all the power they could muster, they would jump up, seeing who could get the farthest out of the water. It was his only chance. He let the weight of his wet clothes carry him down as he shed his coat. When he bent down in a deep squat, he pushed off the bottom, hoping a blade wouldn’t slip off the stone. He looked up as his body shot upward through the water. He reached for the hole he had fallen through. He thought just a few more inches and he could reach the edge. He didn’t even question the bright light that marked the hole, even though it had been full dark when he’d fallen in.
When he broke through the surface, he forced out the used up air in his lungs and sucked in as much of the warm moist air as he could. At the same time, he reached out to grasp the edge of the ice to keep from sinking back in. Instead, he felt concrete, rough, hard, and warm. He blinked rapidly as water ran from his hair into his eyes blurring his vision. He felt hands pulling him up and out of the water, which he suddenly didn’t want to leave.
Pulled completely out of the water, he found himself standing warm and dry. A thin soft robe covered him. He tried to shade his eyes against the bright light that came from everywhere as he tried to see who, what surrounded him. He felt more confused than afraid until a voice called to him from his left, a voice he recognized.
Kenny’s knees buckled. Hands grabbed him and held him up. He turned, trying to see the face that belonged to that voice.
“Hi, Kenny baby.”
“Mom? Mom? Is that you?”
“Yes, dear. It’s me. Come here and let me hold you.”
Kenny fell into the offered arms without question. He could smell the jasmine on her, just as he remembered. He put his arms around her and held her tight, afraid that she would disappear as quickly as she had come.
“Hey, buddy,” said a soft, masculine voice. “Got any arms left for me?”
Kenny turned quickly without letting go of his mom. The glowing figure of his father bent down and the three of them huddled together. Kenny held them tight. He couldn’t speak. He didn’t want to. He just held on refusing to let his mind ask any questions. The euphoria of the moment began to ease and Kenny remembered that just moments ago he had been skating.
“Mom? Dad?” he asked.
“Yes, Kenny, honey. Yes and no.” his mother said as she brushed his hair back from his eyes.
Kenny realized she was answering questions he hadn’t asked. Kenny grasped his mother more tightly and kept looking back and forth at both of them. He expected them to disappear at any moment, so he held on, trying to absorb every feeling for when he awoke from this dream.
“Don’t worry buddy, we aren’t going anywhere.”
“Where am I?”
“Here with us. This place, this time, this oneness,” his father said. “This is what you’d call Heaven, but it’s more.”
“I’m dead?” he asked, testing the question, to see if it bothered him. It didn’t.
“No, baby. You’re still at the pond. You’ll have to go back pretty soon. You’re needed over there,” said his mother.
“By us, by what you think of as God,” his father said again answering his questions before he even asked.
“I have to go back? I have to leave you?”
“Of course,” his father said with a good natured smile. “It’s not your time yet.”
“I don’t want to leave you. I won’t! I want to stay!”
He tightened his grip on his mom and dad. They returned his hug with equal fervor.
“We know you don’t,” his mother whispered. “But there’s something important you need to do. For us. For everyone.”
“I don’t understand. What? What is it? If I go right now and do it, can I come right back?” He looked into his mother’s eyes, then his father’s.
They just held him tighter. He heard his mother start to cry. He could feel her tears on his cheek. They felt soft as silk and warmed him where they touched. His father’s hand lay on the back of his head and the tenderness of the touch flowed into his soul like a wide warm river.
“What happens if I say no?”
For a moment, his mom and dad remained silent. He could feel the cold run through them and a shiver went up his spine.
“There’s a plague loose. Do you know what a plague is?”
“Like the Black Plague we studied in history? It’s a disease that kills a bunch of people.”
“Exactly!” his mother said. “Oh, you are so smart!”
The foreboding he had felt a moment earlier was instantly replaced by euphoria. It hit so quickly, Kenny thought he would pass out. Then it faded as his father spoke.
“This plague is different. It not an earthly disease.”
“From here?”
“No, baby. Only good comes here so only good can come from here.”
“Then…,”
“Hell and more,” said his father. “The place where all that isn’t love, gathers.”
The chill returned to Kenny.
“I don’t understand what you’re saying. I just want to stay with you. Please?”
“Look,” his mother pointed. “Someone’s here who can answer all your questions.”
Kenny turned and saw a boy that looked much like him. He wore blue jeans with a flannel shirt. Covering his light blonde hair sat a Mets ball cap and on his feet, a pair of Nikes. His friendly smile tickled Kenny deep inside, forcing him to return it.
“Hi, Kenny. I’m sorry we have to meet like this.”
“Who are you?”
“That’s not important. You’re important.”
Kenny looked at his mom and dad. They stood beside him holding his hands, squeezing them. So much information whirled around in his head, he could barely keep one thought aligned with the next. It had all happened so fast and he didn’t even know what ‘it’ was.
“I don’t understand. Why me?”
“Why not?”
“‘Cause I’m not special, I can’t do anything.”
“You’re special, Kenny. There really isn’t another boy like you. Your thoughts, your actions, especially your heart, are different. You think of others not yourself, care about others above yourself. Although you lost your parents, you won’t wish for them back. You’re brave. You’re love. It’s rare, but wonderful for a boy your age. There’s a huge responsibility we want someone to bear and we can’t think of anyone better suited than you.”
“Do what?” he asked.
Kenny looked back over his shoulder at his mother. She stood there with her hands on his arms looking down at him, her eyes filled with both pride and sadness.
“Close your eyes,” the boy said. “I’m going to answer all your questions.”
Last edited by phurst : 04-03-2008 at 01:13 PM.
Reason: for format
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I don't think so...Just re-format in the "Forums" as much as you can...
(As far as I've seen, there's no real way to use indents in a post)
